Dolphin Smooching and Other Cool Things

I’ve lived in Florida my entire life. I’m a native. I practically grew up in the Florida Keys, spending innumerable weekends down there at my grandparent’s house and later at my parent’s place. But even being that lucky…there is one thing I’ve never, ever done—swim with a dolphin.

 

 

Two weekends ago, I finally got to do both at Discovery Cove and let me tell you, it was both amazingtastical AND surreal. While holding onto her fins and having her pull me through the water, all I could think was I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SWIMMING WITH A FREAKING DOLPHIN—A 25 YEAR OLD DOLPHIN!!!

Also? I got to kiss her!!!

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The Father’s Day Postmortem

Another Father’s Day has come and gone and while I like to give the father of my children a special day so he knows we all appreciate him, I kinda hate these types of holidays. You know…the ones where it’s implied at every turn that you must spend a bunch of money to show your love and appreciation.

Because my husband and I share a mutual distaste for pretty much all gifting holidays aside from birthdays and Christmas (the latter hanging by a very thin thread, I might add) we have a casual agreement to not make too big a deal out of these “special” days.

But alas, while I seriously do NOT want greeting cards, flowers, candy, balloons or a necklace from Kay Jewelers for Mother’s Day, I tend to break the agreement every year and get him something from the kids.

As I pondered what we should get their daddy for this day in which he’d probably be happiest to just be free of excessive chatter and the standard eight frillion daily requests, I considered some of the typical Father’s Day gifts:

 


 
 

Despite working in IT, he only wears a tie to work maybe twice a year. Additionally, it’s my thinking that ties remind people of work and nooses and other lame things.

So no, no ties. Not even ones with Captain Kirk  or Yoda on them. Continue reading »

Jedi Mom Trick

5 yr old: Mommeeeee? Will you wipe my butt? I can’t wipe it like you do

Me: Why is that?

5 yr old: Because I might get poop on my hand

Me: *stifled giggle* Dude. That’s what soap and water are for

5 yr old: *indignant* Noooo…that’s for when your hands are dirty

Me: Um…I think having poop on your hands totally qualifies as “dirty”

5 yr old: Nuh uhhh

Me: Uh huhhh

5 yr old: NOOOO! Dirty is when you have dirt on your hands!

Me: So you don’t think you need to wash your hands with soap and water when they have poop on them?

5 yr old: YES I DO!

………..

HAAAA! See what I did there?

I should have been a trial lawyer.

Or a Jedi.

YES. I KNOW HE’S FIVE.

Whatever. It totally counts.
 
 

Why Buy the Cow When You Can Get the Opinions for Free?

This is a paraphrased and slightly embellished version of a conversation I recently had with a phone survey person.

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Phone Solicitor: Hi, I’m calling from Company XYZ. This is a survey. We’d like your opinions on (insert product, service or industry here) and it will take about 10-15 minutes. If you’re…

Me: You want me to take a TEN TO FIFTEEN MINUTE survey?  *incredulous*

Phone Solicitor: Yes, we can begin right now if you’re ready

Me: Whoa, hold on… You said this will take 10-15 minutes, right? Are you paying me for my opinions and 10-15 minutes of my time?

Phone Solicitor: Well, no, it’s voluntary. We’re not offering any compensation

Me: I’m sorry but clearly my opinions are worth something if they’re paying you to call me and ask for them   Continue reading »

Is It Just Me?

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Josh

You know…sometimes you just want to write about stupid shit and you really wish you could because you don’t want to think about your friend Josh, who just spent six weeks in a psychiatric hospital after the men in the white coats came and took him away because he lost his mind doing bath salts.

You really want to talk to him but he hasn’t come over since he was released, probably because the last time you saw him he was all paranoid and delusional and you had to have  your husband tell him not to come over anymore. You have kids to consider and even though they love Josh, they can’t be around someone who is constantly searching your house for imaginary intruders and begging you to tell him what the secret number is and slipping you notes containing warnings about your family’s impending assassination.

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Motherless Day Redux

Every year on Mother’s Day, I struggle a little bit. I’m not sad or depressed but I have mixed feelings about this day.

After giving it some thought, I concluded that those feelings haven’t changed at all since I wrote about Mother’s Day 5 years ago so instead of trying to re-invent the proverbial wheel, I’ve pasted it in below. Continue reading »