Things I Learned This Weekend

Things I Learned This Weekend — this weekend being the weekend of my son’s 3rd birthday party…

I should note that the poor little tyke had been screwed out a proper birthday celebration for the previous two years thanks to the all-important family reunion beach thing, put on by the huz’s clan, that we’ve attended for the past 15 years or so.

I like to think of it as “THAT WHICH CANNOT EVER BE HELD AT ANY TIME OTHER THAN THE 25th WEEK OF THE YEAR OR LIFE AS WE KNOW IT SHALL COME TO A SCREECHING HALT!”

See, it just so happens that mah precious babay’s birthday falls during THE SACRED WEEK and thus, we cannot have a birthday party at home because nobody on the huz’s side would drive their tired asses 25 minutes in from the beach to attend AND IT WOULD BE SELFISH OF US TO ASK THAT…even if it was his first birthday, which is, to most people (like his parents), somewhat of a BIG EFFING DEAL.

So we celebrated his first birthday at the beach and it sucked. It couldn’t have been more of an afterthought but who cares because, you know, HE’LL HAVE ANOTHER BIRTHDAY NEXT YEAR.

Last year was the same kind of nonsense, more or less, and P’s birthday was something of a non-event. We opted not to do the family reunion thing, which was being held 3 hours south, and had a small party with a few close friends. Woo hoo.

This year, I was determined to give P his very own full-fledged kid party and that’s what we did. And it was cool. Everyone had fun. And considering that it was held outside at a park, it wasn’t even that hot. No extended family members were in attendance, as expected, and we didn’t care. It was a great party.

I tried to make the party as green as possible but dude..not as easy as it sounds. We did, however, bring an empty box and collected all the recyclable stuff. Also, I totally broke from standard kid party operating procedure and didn’t give out a treat bag full of useless crap because seriously, does anyone need anymore plastic whistles or mini yo-yo’s or ball-bearing puzzles or tiny bottles of bubbles or themed pencils and erasers or mini-packs of crayons or plastic slinkies floating around in the back seat of their car or in the junk drawer or under their kids’ beds?

I also didn’t have the kids do one of those pre-fab foam crafts, which, no offense, has got to be the stupidest waste of time and resources ever invented. I hate those foam door hangers and visors and crowns etc. that you make them sit down and decorate. I can’t tell you much of that junk has entered my home over the years. Seriously. Cannot stand.

All I sent the kids home with was their booty from the piñata (Smarties and Sweet Tarts) and a punch balloon. Remember those? it’s a big latex balloon with a rubber band handle and you bop it back and forth against your knuckles? Now those? Are a fun parting gift. And they’re latex which is biodegradable. I know…am genius :)

Now, as promised, here’s the short list of what I learned this weekend:

1) Just blow up about a hundred balloons because they were the most coveted thing at the whole damn party. Kids kept accidentally popping them and then asking for more and when there weren’t enough (because they were supposed to be decorations!) there was some balloon-stealing and subsequent fussing going on (this includes the 4, 5 and 7 year olds, too). Next time, I’m just going to pass out a bajillion balloons to the kids and everyone will be happy as shit.

2) Don’t buy anything your kid actually likes for a piñata. Case in point — my son loves trucks and construction equipment so we got him a piñata shaped like a dump truck. Um hello? When your son sees everyone beating the crap out of the piñata shaped like one his favorite things in the world? It’s not going to be pretty. Next time I’m getting one shaped like a snake because when I showed him one outside the other day? He no likey.

3) From now on, I will always make food for the grown-ups. Because the party was at 10am, I made two quiches (one vegetarian, one with sausage and cheese) and they were totally gobbled up. Doesn’t it suck when you go to a party and there’s nothing but kiddie-crap set out to eat?

4) No matter that your son has never seen Cars or Spiderman or Batman, simply because he is a boy, some part of every gift, whether it’s the wrapping paper, gift bag, card or the present itself, will feature the aforementioned marketing juggernauts. It’s, like, a rule.

5) You DON’T have to have a specific theme for a party. I know all the party stores and party supply catalogs would have you believe otherwise but really — you can break that silly rule and nothing terrible will happen. I used party stuff from previous years’ themes (Thomas the Tank Engine and Fire Trucks and some generic red plates and napkins) and picked up a few other things emblazoned with construction equipment and cute frogs and Curious George and we just rolled with the totally unmatchy-matchy anti-theme theme.

6) People do not care how obnoxious certain toys are or how much they make you want to rip your ears off. They will buy them for your child anyway. And then LAUGH about it.

Amazingly, the whole party went off with absolutely no stressing out on my part — a miracle I can probably attribute to a minute dose of physician-prescribed Xanax :)

Things That Drives Me Crazy - Installment #649

So yesterday, I was stopped at a light and I see someone in the Mercedes in front of me stick an arm out the window and toss a piece of trash out.

No way! Did I really just see that?

Indeed you did.

I laid on my horn, rolled down my window and suddenly a sailor took possession of my body, forcing very unladylike things to come flying out of my mouth.

I saw the occupants looking in the side and rear view mirrors.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to YOU, douchebag! Who the f-ck do you think you are?!

The diatribe continued until the light turned.

I mean, really… Littering. Right there in full view of any number of cars. WHO DOES THAT ANYMORE???

Assholes!

Ride the Like Wind…

So, I saw Sex and the City last night. I don’t know why it got bad reviews. I liked it. People actually cheered when it started and at certain key points in the movie. It was like Rocky Horror for the chick set or something… For the record, I do not cheer at the movies OR yell at the characters.

The best part of the movie, for me, was feeling like you were watching the show again which I know is really REALLY dorky but I get attached to TV shows. Some characters are just so well-written that they seem real and when they go away, it’s sad.

I wanted to watch Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano and Brian Krakow and Rayanne Graff (and Graham Chase who was sort of cute/hot for a TV dad) on My So-Called Life forever.

I wanted to watch Hope and Michael and their friends grow old alongside me on Thirtysomething.

I wanted to watch Felicity and Ben and Noel keep messing things up until they faced reality and became a threesome.

I know. Am pathetic.

But the good news is I hardly watch TV at all anymore, save the stray episode of teh awesomest Mystery Diagnosis, a little CNN and of course mah stories on Showtime (Weeds, Dexter & Californication), all of which are on hiatus for what feels like a freaking year at a time. HATINGIT.

I’m sure I’m missing out on some most excellent reality TV and lawd knows I’m practically a pariah for not watching Lost but I’ll make up for whatever network TV fare I missed this year by watching Lipstick Jungle again in the fall. It’s a cheap TV-14 surrogate for SATC but it’s not bad, really.

Hell, I may even become disturbingly attached to the characters and cry when it inevitably gets canceled. Because everything I like gets canceled within four years, you know. I’m like…TV show kryptonite.

Hey! Guess what? We got a scooter! It’s the coolest thing Seriously, SO. MUCH. FUN.

At some point, like riding a bike or driving a car, the novelty will surely wear off but until then, I’m in love. BIG BIG LOVE. (I know someone will probably say real motorcycles are even more fun but I’m new to all this small combustion engine machinery — 50cc’s is all I can handle right now)

We got it to save on gas because I have a Nissan minivan that’s a not-so-mini gas guzzler. We don’t want to sell it (who’d buy it anyway?) because we live in a hurricane state and if we ever need to evacuate, there’s no way 4 people and three cats in carriers are going to fit in my husband’s car.

The plan is he will ride the scooter to work (he comes home for lunch so that’s six trips a day) and I will drive his car, which is much better on gas, and we’ll only use the momvan when necessary. Since school is now out, we’re not carpooling so I don’t need all the extra seating and it will probably be parked most of the summer.

But all the practical stuff and the 123 mpg aside, I love the scooter. I can’t believe I went my whole life without ever riding one. The only thing more fun? Riding a horse as fast as you possibly can.

Yes, I was one of those horsey girls. I still am.

One of my dreams is to live on a farm (organic, natch) with lots of horses. And hired help to clean up after them — because manual labor that involves horse crap? So NOT a part of my dream.

Maybe I should just have friends with horses instead..

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Question for le masses: Has anyone noticed that Claritin makes them kind of um…bitchy? Just wondering.

(Post title courtesy of Christopher Cross, crooner of songs you love to hate)

He’s an Edumacator

Hey, remember my asshat neighbor? The one who mows his grass in a Speedo (but really shouldn’t)? And blares Rush Limbaugh in his backyard EVERY Saturday for the entire summer?

He has this new bumper sticker on his car:

Don’t tolerate everything
Diversity is Devisive!

Your eyes do not deceive you. “Devisive” is, indeed, a misspelling.

I’m going to give him one that says “I are a devider, not a unider”

Ahahahaha…I are funnie.

(Did I mention Asshat Neighbor is a teacher?)

She’s Definitely My Kid

TQ: Mommy, can I get this? *holds up a short-sleeved hoodie emblazoned with music notes*

Me: *feeling fabric* It’s kind of hot. Why are they’re selling stuff like this now ?

TQ: Because it’s awesomely awesome

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Around the webernets: (Stuff you should read because I said you should, which probably isn’t that compelling a reason but humor me and pretend it is. Thank you. That is all.)

When Change Is Not Enough - Have Americans finally had enough? Sociologists note that conditions in America are ripe for a revolution. I, for one, can’t wait.

Little Girls Gone Wild - Fascinating interview with the author of The Lolita Effect. If you have a daughter, you should read this.

How Did Our Kids Get So Caught Up in Consumerism? Consumerism has become the dominant faith of every continent of the planet today. How does this really affect your children?

………………

I’m just going to assume you’re not one of these nuts and that you actually DO care about the environment. That said, if you look in my sidebar you’ll see a button for 350.org. If you would be so kind as to go here and get the code and put one in YOUR sidebar, you’d be doing something really good.

See, when you post the 350 Challenge badge on your site, Brighter Planet will offset 350 pounds of carbon in your name! 350 pounds! That’s like flicking off 100 lightbulbs for a day. Or going two full weeks without your car. Pretty fabutastical, huh?

Help 350.org go viral and get your badge up today!

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Okay, last thing and then I’m DONE telling you what to do, what to read etc.

We have a new forum over at Green Mom Finds. We haven’t had our official launch yet because, well, we feel like it should have some actual content before we make some big announcement..

But — because I do have the world’s bestest readers (and certainly the most attractive and intelligent), I’d like to invite you, informally and unofficially to come visit. While your there, consider registering, (it’s SUPER DUPER EASY, Takes like 4 seconds. SRSLY), stay awhile, share the green love… Now go! And for the few who actually answer my call and register/leave a post I will link you here for your awesomeness.

The Cool People That Visited the GMF Forum and Left a Post Because They Totally Effing RULE

Jennifer of The Smart Mama

Green Lisa (no web site)

Jodi of Mom’s Favorite Thing

Kris Underwood of Writing in the Mountains

Sassy Irish Lassie

Kara of Count Mockula (no url)

Kim from Kim Plus Eddie

Threeundertwo from Lit and Laundry

Kate2145 (no web site)

Christine from Green Parent Chicago

BERNTHIS