Scenes from a Mall

In previous odes to jeans on this blog, I’ve totally spouted off on the unattractiveness of the low-rise jean. I went on and on about how they make your butt look bad and that if you’re not a toothpick or a supermodel but rather an ordinary woman with some actual flesh on her hips, you’ve probably been sporting the dreaded muffin-top, too, possibly without even knowing it.

But after a recent trip to the mall, I’ve observed that the tides are turning and waistlines are rising. And rising. And rising.

And while these high-waisted Levis may not look so so bad on this model, I assure you they are still the devil’s handiwork for they will lead to…

…the return of the *ominous pause* MOM JEAN!

And could usher in jeans like these, lace insets notwithstanding.

Look. At. Them. They’re up to her (his?) RIBS!

DO NOT WANT!!!

And yes, celebs ARE doing it but it’s obvious their stylists have deep-seated contempt for them because why else would they let them out in public in these things?

My fear is that these high waisted, tapered leg jeans will open the door to…PLEATS *gasp*

And those…

…will lead to high waists and pleats and tapered legs and buffalo plaids and STIRRUPS!!!

I’m proud to say I never EVER owned a pair of stirrup pants.

But I did own lots of these. And I loved them. They’re good butt pants.

Heidi Klum’s Jordache, however, are NOT good because they’re skinny-leg jeans. Incidentally, she’s their new model in a campaign designed to make Jordache cool again. Um…didn’t anyone tell her that for years Jordache were sold exclusively at Walmart? I don’t envy her task.

But I’d wear those evil skinny-leg Jordache from Walmart before I’d ever let a Kenny Rogers song touch my butt.

Your eyes do not deceive you… That’s him, right there on the hip pocket.

You gotta know when to hold ‘em, Know when to fold ‘em
Know when to give them to charity — and then run…

One of my concerns amidst these extremely high waistlines is that my beloved mid-rise jeans will go away for another 20 years.

Let me just tell you that I was wearing Levis 501’s 15 years ago because I could wear them down on my hips with a fitted shirt and a funky belt and avoid the whole stick o’ denim right up under my boobs look. But today’s jeans are so much better than 501’s and I’m just not ready to give them up.

This is me in my mid-rise jeans. Don’t I look hot?.

Oprah? Bite Me.

I used to like Oprah. I did. I used to see her as something of a woman’s woman.

These days? Not so much. *ducking the rotten vegetable projectiles* And I’d never say she hasn’t done some wonderful things and helped a lot of people. Those moments are always very conveniently caught on camera so it would be near impossible to not be aware of her many good deeds.

But these days I see her as more of a hypocrite than anything else; someone who would compromise her integrity for the sake of ratings and dollar signs if need be.

And who’s going to call her out on it? Who’s going to say shit to her when she’s handing out new cars and iPods and hundred dollar boxes of chocolate?
Uhhh…me?

Yeah, me. Because I’m pretty pissed off right now.

This is a “comment” I submitted to Oprah.com. I know she’ll probably never see it but whatever, I had to write it.

—–

I was watching the Oprah show today about people living lives of minimal consumption, the Freegans etc. I thought the show had a good message and the topic seemed kid-friendly so I let my 7.5 year old daughter watch with me. I normally don’t do this because most of your shows topics are simply not suitable for children but I thought today was the exception. And in regard to that particular segment, it was.

But then, before a commercial, with NO WARNING WHATSOEVER, the show cut to a close up shot of a woman dancing nude. Yes, the parts that the FCC won’t allow were blurred out but there was no mistaking what we were watching.

Was it REALLY necessary to show that graphic imagery to elucidate what your segment on a suburban stripper mom was all about? The voice over wasn’t enough? Are you that desperate?

In case you care, my daughter, after having seven years of carefully-tended innocence totally compromised in 10 seconds by your promo, asked me “Why is that mommy dancing naked?”

Would you or your producers like to come over and EXPLAIN THAT TO HER? Because I sure as hell didn’t know what to say.

If I wasn’t so pissed off, I’d have to laugh at the irony…

I turn on Oprah, champion of women everywhere and what do I find? That same tired old refrain of female nudity being exploited for profit *sigh* And equally contemptible, your total disregard for who might be watching at 4pm in the afternoon. I wouldn’t have been fazed by such poor taste and judgment after 10pm or on cable but on network TV during daytime hours? I think you need to re-examine your V-chip rating and have it switched to TV-MA.

I’m disappointed in you, Oprah. I really am. I honestly thought better of you and I would expect better from your producers, as well.

Silly me, huh?

—-

Rest assured, people. I won’t make that mistake again.

Harry & David — I Can’t Quit You?

When I received the card telling me I was receiving a Christmas gift from gift basket gurus, Harry & David, I didn’t know whether to be happy or disappointed.

In the past, I’ve been privy to giant corporate gift baskets containing all sorts of tasty Harry & David edibles but what I remember the most were the pears. Oodles and oodles of yucky looking pears.

As you may have guessed, I’m not a fan of the pear. Something about the gritty, somewhat mealy texture and the yellow and brown mottled exterior that makes a perfectly good pear look slightly rotten just doesn’t inspire me to eat one.

So anyway, I get this Harry & David gift basket delivered and as soon as I crack the plastic on the basket, I’m hit with the smell of something that resembles…FUEL? Someone dunked my basket in gasoline? The mind reels…

So I remove the block of cheese and tiny jar of apricot preserves and all the easter grass stuff on top to reveal what? Pears. Brownish, gasoline-scented pears to be exact.

That smell can be rather enchanting when one is pumping gas. Or sniffing permanent markers. But I like my funky yellow and brown fruit to at least smell like fruit. And with that, I tossed them in the trash.

I know. It’s a terrible waste. But like the oily chocolate fountain of Christmas-past, I just couldn’t think of a single person who would appreciate my re-gifting to them the gassy pears OR the accompanying gassy basket.

Did I forget to mention that this is the gift that keeps. On. Giving? Yes. I will be receiving a similar basket every month for the next ELEVEN months.

Whether I like it or not.

See, I called up Harry & David with the intention of asking them ever so nicely to substitute my very pricey fruit-of-the-month gift with something a bit more appealing and less fume-y.

Oh, and I didn’t want them to tell the gift-giver either because telling someone their gift is icky can sometimes be a little…I don’t know…AWKWARD?

But alas, my plan was foiled. Apparently, you cannot exchange an ill-fitting gift fromt H&D no matter how charming you are on the phone. Well, actually, you can if you’re the gift-giver and the rep on the phone suggested I take it up with them.

HELLO? Do you REALLY expect me to do that? That’s rude and ungracious and I prefer to keep my rudeness and ungraciousness to myself, thankyouverymuch. And? I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings because I know the gift was sent with love.

So I tried another approach, attempting to appeal to her greener, more eco-friendly side by requesting that they just not send me the fruit because I really don’t want it, cannot, in good conscience, regift it and it’s a terrible waste of food and resources to get these baskets to me every month.

And you know what girlfriend says to me?

“We can’t do that. We have to send it to you. The only way for you to not get it is for us to contact the sender and tell them you don’t want it and we’ll refund their money.”

Holy shizzle! They’re worse than my personal stalkers at Pottery Barn.

Why, Harry and David? Why are you forcing your pears on me?

WHYYYY can’t I quit you?

A Disturbing Trend

When did soccer moms start wearing short shorts and high heels? To the grocery store? Seriously, ladies… Dressing like Victoria Beckham when you’re not Victoria Beckham just makes you look like one of those secret suburban hooker moms that Oprah’s always talking about. Please stop.

So my 18 yr old cat was sick and I took her to the vet yesterday. I told the vet I thought she had a urinary tract infection. $310 later? The vet tells me she has a urinary tract infection.

Oh, and the vet did that hairdresser maneuver where they very subtly shame you into buying the really expensive shampoo cat food from them because if you don’t you’re clearly a bad hair pet owner who doesn’t care about your appearance cat because if you did, you’d just fork over the twenty bucks for a bottle of shampoo 3.5 lb bag of cat food.

I bought it. Am spineless.

It was 28 degrees here yesterday morning. It snowed on the east coast of Florida. The day before that?

I was wearing shorts. Without my heels.

It’s For Your Own Good?

In New Jersey, children who attend preschool or daycare will soon be required to have annual flu vaccinations (most of which DO contain mercury), despite protests from many parents who don’t think the government should be able to tell them what substances, toxic or otherwise, they must inject into their children.

Of course, I find this reprehensible because while it is in the public interest for all people to be vaccinated and I did choose to have my kids receive the normal childhood vaccines, having the government tell you can’t refuse something you feel could be irreversibly dangerous to your child is actually pretty scary.

I wonder how many people will object when they mandate that we must all be microchipped because it’s in the public interest?

But I digress, because what I really wanted to touch on besides the forced flu shots is water fluoridation.

If you want to talk about having something dangerous forced upon you without your consent, you need only turn to you kitchen faucet. In most counties, townships etc. in the US, water is fluoridated without the consent or permission of those who have no choice but to drink it.

So what’s wrong with fluoride? For one thing, it’s not medical grade fluoride. It’s actually a by-product of the phosphate industry that is considered toxic waste until they put it in your drinking water.

Additionally, fluoride is a cumulative poison. On average, only 50% of the fluoride we ingest each day is excreted through the kidneys. The remainder accumulates in our bones, pineal gland, and other tissues.

Is this bad?

Well, considering that fluoride is directly linked to thyroid disease, damage to the male reproductive system (and we wonder why male sperm counts are down 50% in the last half century?) and a whole host of other potentially dangerous health problems, I’d have to say yes. It’s bad.

Shockingly, the US Public Health Service first endorsed fluoridation in 1950, before one single trial had ever been completed.

Have you ever read your toothpaste tube? The directions state that you should NOT swallow toothpaste. Why? Because it’s NOT meant to be ingested — and yet we drink it in our water everyday.

The dental community acknowledges that fluoridated water does little or nothing to stop pit and fissure cavities, the most common kind of tooth decay and too much will actually cause dental fluorosis where the enamel of the tooth is eroded.

Both of my children’s baby teeth came in with enamel hypoplasia where the enamel was already damaged or missing. The dentist speculates that it’s actually dental fluorosis from drinking so much fluoridated water when they were in utero. Nice. Think my county water department will pay our dental bills?

Oh, and it’s totally in your breastmilk, moms. Your babies are being fluoridated whether you like it or not.

FLUORIDE WARNING FOR INFANTS

Does your drinking water contain added fluoride? If so, keep it away from infants under the age of one. This directive was issued recently by an unlikely source: the American Dental Association (ADA). Read the whole thing and see why fluoride is also now being considered a neurotoxin that’s dangerous to developing infant brains. It’s horrible.

I could go on and on and on about water fluoridation because the facts are really, REALLY jaw-dropping but in the interest of brevity, you can read about it at the Fluoride Action Network if you want more information.

Cross-posted at Moms Speak Up

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