Category Archives: Character Flaws

Should I Be Christmas Shopping or Doomsday Prepping?

Ugh.

I don’t know what’s wrong got me so down but I have less than zero holiday spirit this season. Usually, I love Christmas and decorate the shit out of my house and bake cookies and do all that other Martha Stewart-y stuff  that I eschew the rest of the year.

But this year, I just can’t muster the required JOY! to make all those things happen and I’m even feeling a wee bit resentful that I have to participate at all.

Exhibit A:

We’re supposed to decorate our tree tonight and I’m all “Can I just lay here on the couch and read my book?”

Get the whole story »

Free-Range Parenting Fail or Accidents Happen?

My seven year old son has recently developed an interest in running which always makes me smile a little because this is not something I’d ever expect from him. Like his mom, he’s a very firm believer in never exerting himself too terribly much.

Soooo…when he started asking to come along and run the track while my daughter and I are at cheer practice three nights a week, I happily let him.

He was like Forrest Gump…just running and running and running around that track and he swears he did ten laps one night. But then he realized he has access to the playground at the school next to the football field and has been going over there to play while I sit on my butt watching cheer practice and talking to the other parents.

He’s not super close by (maybe 3/4 of a football field away) but I can see him and every minute or so, I look over there to make sure all is well. He’s usually running around and playing with other kids or climbing all over an elaborate array of monkey bars. Of course that part makes me a little nervous because it’s a long way to the ground but I figure we all grew up playing on monkey bars and it’s good exercise for him so I just try to relax and let him have his fun.

Last week, while he ran the track and then went to the playground, I walked over to let him know I was going to the fieldhouse for a minute and would be right back. Upon my return, I again went to him to let him know I’d be over on the bleachers if he needed me.

As per usual, I kept an eye on him while watching the girls and chatting with the other moms and dads.

Well, I must have forgotten to look over for a more than a couple minutes because when I tried to spot him, he was nowhere to be found. It was dusk and I figured I just couldn’t see him and was getting up to walk over there when one of the coaches came over and told me the nurse called her from the fieldhouse and asked her to let me know my son was injured and bleeding.

Get the whole story »

Fact: Parenting is Hard and Life Sucks Sometimes

Part I

The past few months have been so damned hard. There are days when I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I’m spread too thin. I’m emotionally exhausted. I feel like I have the world on my shoulders sometimes…

Tonight, I got really angry with my daughter. I exploded. I yelled and screamed and said I hated my life…that I would be glad if the world ended on 12-21-2012.

I won’t even expound on how wrong that is. All I can say is this has been building for a while…

Get the whole story »

The Stories of Us

For a few years, I documented all sorts of things from my day to day life here…but the most important things I documented were about my children. Everything was new and exciting and there were so many firsts. Like a soda bottle that had been jostled a bit too much, I was always bubbling over with emotions and feelings that I just had to get out.

There are still firsts now, as there always are until we shed these mortal coils, but I no longer feel the urge to share them. Or rather, I can’t seem to collect everything I’m feeling into any kind of order anymore and thus, I rarely even try.

Why is it all so hard now?

Get the whole story »

Noise with Dirt on It

Yesterday, after school, I took my daughter to a new dentist…a grown-up dentist. Apparently our insurance thinks when kids turn 10, pediatric dentists are a specialty they shouldn’t have to pay for anymore.

This office was weird. It was so…mature feeling. And having just been at my son’s pediatric dentist last week, the differences were glaring—no toys in the waiting room. No kids shows playing on a TV. No balloons or goody boxes.

The waiting room was finely appointed in a way not suited for kids, the magazines were definitely of the non-kid-friendly variety (I’m looking at YOU, Cosmopolitan and Sports Illustrated Annual Boobies and Swimsuits Issue) and it was quiet. So very quiet. Get the whole story »

30 Days of Truth – Something I Hate About Myself

I know some people that couldn’t come up with ONE thing they hate about themselves. I, on the other hand, have a list as long as my arm.

Oh, how I wish I could be one of those people.

And I think that statement pretty much sums it all up. I hate that I’ve spent my whole life wishing I was someone else. I hate that there are so many things I wish I could change about myself.

Actually, I’m not sure what I hate more…the wishing I could just accept myself or the things I wish I could change. Maybe it all just falls under the same umbrella…

I hate that I’m an introvert. I hate that I’m not boisterous and outgoing. I hate that I’m always lost in my thoughts. I hate that I’m sensitive and care too much. I hate that I have to get to know someone on a one-to-one basis before I can be truly comfortable with them. I hate that I don’t enjoy the spotlight. I hate that I don’t like throwing parties. I hate that I don’t extend myself to people because I naturally assume they don’t care to know me. I hate that I don’t know how to let myself shine.

But more than anything, I hate that I can’t be anything but who I am, that I can’t change any of these things, that they are hardwired into me and always will be.

It’s been foreverrrrr since I’ve done a meme.

To be honest (heh) I think I *may* have even gone through a phase after my first year of blogging where I thought I was too cool for a meme, that they were for newbies and people who were unable to come up with their own content.

Well, I stand corrected. I’m SO not a newbie ;p

This meme, 30 Days of Truth, for whatever reason, really makes me want to play along—something about giving yourself permission to be completely honest is very compelling.

So…I may not do every one on the list but I’m going to try.

The 30 days are listed below should you want to be uncool along with me :)

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11  Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12  Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13  A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17  A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21  (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I Think I Need a Life Coach (or a Drill Sergeant)

drill_sergeant

It’s that time again…that time of the month (I call it DMS for During Menstrual Syndrome) when I get an all-consuming desire to organize my entire life, experience massive amounts of guilt over my parenting and become thoroughly convinced that nobody loves me or cares about me—all while feeling more tired than I ever thought humanly possible and being busier than anyone who doesn’t work outside the home should ever be.

One would think that I’d be used to this cycle of suck by now, that I’d see it coming and somehow be able to ward it off but no…that never happens. Instead I act like a crazy pregnant woman and start “nesting” which really just means I start cleaning things and develop an overwhelming desire to turn my house upside down, shake it out and start fresh with NOTHING because I CAN. NOT. STAND. THE . CLUTTER. Now mind you, this is the same clutter I live with the rest of the month with apparently no issues whatsoever, which probably contributes to the problem.

Right now I’m fighting the physical clutter, as well as the digital and mental. I long to become a well-oiled machine of organized precision—our household operations will be streamlined, my thousands of photos will be sorted through with all the bad shots discarded and all the keepers organized in such a way that I can actually do something with them—although I have no idea WHAT that would be. And I will be so organized that I can make time for the most important thing of all…spending better quality time with my kids.

It’s that last one that really eats at me every month. I read other people’s blogs (and Family Fun magazine because I’m a masochist, apparently) and see all the great things they’re doing with their kids and families (this can range from craft projects to family outings to little things that create special memories) and I feel like a total loser.

Honestly, if I can get some work done in the morning, get a load of laundry washed and have dinner ready early, I feel like I’ve moved mountains—which is to say, I don’t exactly challenge myself and yet, squeezing in the planning and execution of special things to do with my kids always gets backburnered. Before I know it, the weekend has come and gone and the weekly grind starts all over again—school, work, errands, housework, dinner, cheer practice and/or Girl Scouts, bedtime—lather, rinse, repeat.

I just don’t know how to make any of this happen and yet it’s all I can think about during my period. Well, that and trying to find extra moments to sleep because I’m JUST. SO. TIRED.

Because it’s all part of the wacky nesting thing, I feel compelled to make a list—I don’t hold out much hope of actually doing most of this stuff but maybe seeing it in writing will make me feel more organized and uh…WHATEVER—I just want to make a freakin’ list!

Things I Want/Need to Do and That Will Hopefully, Somehow, Make These 5-6 Days Per Month More Tolerable—in No Particular Order:

Organize the thousands of photos that currently live on my external hard drive.

Plan a weekly dinner calendar. Grocery shop while kids are at school.

Clean out desk and old school papers, calendars, notices etc from last year.

Clean out overstuffed file cabinet so I can file more stuff that I will probably never look at again.

Finish up washing all the bedding from when we tried to go a week without Pull-Ups (See Also: Thank God for waterproof allergy covers for mattresses).

Plan 1 or 2 cool things to do with the kids every week (i.e. go to the duck pond, go to Busch Gardens in the evening, plant the seeds I got from the Greenworks luncheon I attended at BlogHer 09. (2009, people! This alone speaks volumes) Note: Grocery shopping does NOT qualify as ‘something cool’ and bribing kids with bakery cookies so they won’t complain? Not the best parenting technique.

Clean out all the junk from daughter’s room (this alone would take half a day).

Organize all son’s toys so he can actually PLAY in his room.

Plan a fall family camping trip. Think about a vacation for next summer since we didn’t do a damn thing this summer and I spent most of my time shuttling kids around between points A, B and C and dying of near heat stroke.

Start planning Christmas now because when December comes, I will, without a doubt, feel like skipping Christmas altogether.

Implement a work schedule I can stick to so I don’t spend so much time working when the kids are home.

Be more social (i.e. stop ignoring Facebook messages from friends, call people back in a timely manner, make real plans so I can’t claim I’m too busy when loosely organized plans come up.

Stop effing around so much on the internet. Reading news, reading junk on Twitter and bookmarking random crap that I won’t ever go back to is enriching my life HOW? See also: Spend more time writing.

Catch up on Editorial Calendar for The Green Mom Review so I’m not scrambling at 11pm to figure out what we’re posting the next day.

If I do read blogs, which I actually DO, make sure to comment because I don’t want to be one of  those people who swear they read blogs but never comments.

Watch the few shows I enjoy early in the evening so that when bedtime comes, I actually get some sleep instead of watching said shows. See also: GO TO BED EARLIER, DUMMY.

Look into swim lessons for my son, who totally got screwed out of them this summer (and it was really the only thing he wanted to do).

Make dinner earlier on cheer practice nights so we can still eat together.

Play with my son more when his sister is at practice instead of using this time to catch up on laundry while he watches TV and rots his brain.

Volunteer more at school (See also: get more sleep and use time more wisely so I will actually step up and volunteer instead of putting it off because “I’m too busy” —because I wouldn’t BE too busy if I was less tired and used my time more wisely.

Now I need a nap. I can do some of this stuff later, right?

OMG…see how I did that?  SEE? *head meets desk*