Category Archives: LOL

To My Mall Ratty White Trash Mom

Last Sunday on Mother’s Day, I awoke around noon and was greeted with a fantastic breakfast (that means BACON), fresh coffee, gorgeous pink Gerber daisies (my favorite) and the sweetest little treasures from my children.

Accompanying the gifts from my daughter was a card/drawing she made at school that touched my heart—but also made me scratch my head a bit (see highlighted parts).

It read:

I love my mommy sooooo much! Her name is Janet. She is fun and pretty. We like to go to the mall and buy clothing together. It’s fun! Sometimes she plays board games with me. My mommy is a great cook, too. My favorite meal she makes is tater tot casserole. My mom makes dinner, does laundry and cleans the house. I’m glad she takes good care of me.

Is that not the sweetest thing you’ve ever read? I know. It is.

The only thing I don’t understand why she makes me sound like a housewifey mall rat who favors food from the Michelle Duggar cookbook of white trashy recipes?

Allow me to elaborate…

We never go clothes shopping at the mall. Well, actually, I did recently take the kids with me when I went hunting for a purple shirt to wear for the March for Babies but seriously, before that, I can’t remember the last time I dared to take the kids clothes shopping with me. I’M NO MASOCHIST!

Also? I DID a made tater tot casserole — ONCE — but only because I happened to have all the ingredients and I really REALLY didn’t want to make burgers or meatloaf again. It was okay but nobody seemed all that jazzed about it. Yes, I noted the recipe while watching “18 Kids and Counting”  but hello? Tater Tot casserole? That’s just embarrassing and frankly not the sort of thing I’d want the whole world to know about — not including YOU , of course — because I trust that we will never speak of this again. RIGHT???

It was really very generous of my daughter to say I’m a great cook but just like that business about cleaning and doing laundry? It’s kind of not accurate. I’m a bad cook and I really try NOT to clean or do laundry. Must be wishful thinking on her part… Poor kid.

Don’t get me wrong. I thought T’s card was beyond awesome. She said all those nice things (factual errors aside), which I loved—but you have to admit…it’s comedy gold.

Now that part about being fun and pretty? That part is totally true :)

Like a Boss (Not Work Safe)

This is funny as hell… If you like Andy Samberg and Seth Rogen, you’ll love it. If you think Andy Samberg and Seth Rogen are the most annoying people on the planet, well, you STILL might like it but in the unlikely event that you hate it? Don’t blame me. I just work here.

Indignant

At the mall…

T: *whining* It’s not fair. Why does he always get to ride in the stroller?

Me: Because he’s three and you’re eight. You’re really just too big for the stroller now.

T: *indignant* That’s no reason to not let me use it!!!

What New Moms REALLY Want

Porn for New Moms is, from what I can tell, a book of photos of men doing what new moms most want them to do, which is to get off their asses and help (no offense, fellas) So yeah, it’s pix of hot guys holding babies, changing diapers and stuff like that and it’s fricken ingenius. Really. And I wish I’d thought of it first *shakes fist*

(I haven’t seen the whole book, I don’t own a copy and this isn’t a review)

Ouch

Son: Mommy, you my fwend.

Me: Awww…you’re my friend, too, buddy

Son: And TV my fwend.

Me: *cringing on the inside* TV? Really?

Son: Yes

Me: Okay, but who do you like better—mommy or TV?

Son: TV

Did Motherhood Steal Your Mojo?

There are lots of ways to spice up your sex life but I’m pretty sure that the video below is not the tool upon which you should be basing your strategy…unless you find that laughter is an aphrodisiac—in which case, grab the object of your affection and watch it together. Hell, you may even learn something in between snickers and snorts…

The Video Guide to Successful Seduction

Best line: “In Detroit, you need a dollar, a 12 pack of beer, a gram of coke and a whip”  I wonder if that’s still true? Heh.

Sadly, trying to spice up one’s marriage after the rigors of birthing and raising little people was not covered at all in this “guide” which is too bad because as I recall, being newly maternal was akin to someone dropping an atom bomb on my physical self-esteem.

Did motherhood steal your mojo? Did you ever get it back? Discuss!

An Open Letter to My Body, the Traitor

Dear Body,

Happy belated Valentine’s Day. Yes, I was being facetious. You know I don’t subscribe to made-up holidays that leave at least half the population sad and depressed that they don’t have someone to give them some Hallmark-mandated love and a red velvet box of chocolates from the local Walgreens. I prefer my consumerism-on-steroids holidays to at least be FUN, like Halloween!

Anyway, I’m writing to let you know that I’m very disappointed in you today. No, it’s not that last eight pounds I’ve been trying to lose for, like, two years—although we do need to discuss that at some point. I’m actually talking about the hangover that you led me to believe I would NOT be having today. What the hell?

I know, I know…I don’t take you out drinking nearly enough and you’re probably not used to it but that’s no excuse for your behavior today. You had fair warning that when we went out to celebrate the huz’s birthday last night (it was fun, yes?) that it would be a late night. Christ, we had safe, dependable babysitters for the first time in three years (Thank you, MIL and SIL!) that would be keeping our kids overnight. What did you think I was going to do? Drink soda all night?

All things considered, I think I did pretty good. I took a sip of my first beer at 9pm and finished my last around 2:45am. All together, I probably consumed about four or five high quality beers AND I had some pizza. (Yes, I agree that it was ridiculously salty but I was powerless to stop. You know how hungry I get when I drink). Anyway, the point is that I really didn’t go overboard and I don’t think I abused you that badly. In fact, I observed last night, firsthand, what long term alcohol abuse can do to a body and I’m so glad I got married and stopped clubbing and partying in my mid twenties. I could seriously be a poster girl for the virtues of generally clean, albeit mostly exercise-free, living.

But I digress…What I wanted to know is WHY did you lead me to believe this morning that I had escaped the hangover I was fully expecting? Even my prim, proper and very Catholic mother-in-law remarked that we didn’t look hungover when she brought the kids home at noon (NOON!!! God bless that woman!) and other than being a bit fuzzy-headed, I felt great. I didn’t begin to feel betrayed by you until about 3pm when the headache and queasy stomach started to kick in. Eventually, I felt so crappy I had to take to my bed for several hours whilst the huz went to the grocery store, fed the kids AND took them out for ice cream. He’s a fricken rockstar dad and I’m the pathetic mom that’s still hungover at six in the evening.

WHY???

Don’t you know how damaging this was to my self-esteem? How loser-ish it made me feel?

I just don’t understand and I anxiously await your explanation.

Yours in suffering,
Janet

PS: And the for the love of all things good and decent…what’s UP with the gas? Haven’t you punished me enough already? Is further humiliation really necessary?