I was watching some silly movie the other night where Jim Carrey’s character takes a self-help course where you are are supposed to say yes to anything anyone requests of you. Of course, this leads to all sorts of comedic shenanigans and the hijinks ensue.
But I was thinking that rather than saying “yes” to everything, I should take a page from my kids’ books and just say “I don’t know” to everything. It seems to work really well for them and absolves them from responsibility for, well, just about everything.
Me: Where are your shoes?
Child: Ummmm I don’t know
Me: Where are my good scissors that I let you use the other day?
Child: Ummmm I don’t know.
Me: Do you need to do this worksheet I found in your backpack?
Child: Ummmm I don’t know.
Me: Why on earth did you (insert undesirable behavior here)?
Child: Ummmm I don’t know.
I think you get the general idea. Since they don’t know anything, they are OFF. THE. HOOK. I find out about the worksheet and eventually locate the scissors and unearth the shoes and come up with some explanation for the undesirable behavior.
But what if *I* was the one answering “I don’t know” all the time?
Child: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: I don’t know (I no longer need to think about dinner…I WIN!)
Child: Mom, where my sneakers?
Me: I don’t know (I no longer have to hunt for shoes…YAY!)
Child: Mom, can I get a (insert toy, gadget, clothing item)?
Me: I don’t know (I don’t even have to come up with a reason for saying no!!!)
Child: Hey Mom, are we going to Disney World this summer?
Me: I don’t know (I can put off planning a summer vacation!!!)
Child: Mom, can you drive me to (insert location)?
Me: I don’t know (I never have to drive anyone anywhere ever again unless I feel like it…WOOO!!!)
Child: Mom, can I (insert anything that doesn’t involve bodily harm or the police)?
Me: I don’t know (I don’t even have to THINK! This is SO awesome.)
Child: But whyyyyy can’t I stay up later tonight?
Me: I don’t know (This is what WINNING really looks like!)
So, there’s the plan…
I might market it as an e-book to start and then parlay it into a vast self-help empire where I teach people of the joys of… (say it with me!) I DON’T KNOW!!!!
DO NOT chat with your massage therapist. Just lay down and shut your fool mouth. Why? Because you might say something really dumb to him like “Go as hard and deep as you want. I need it badly today” and even though you were innocently referring to the knots in your shoulders, you will spend the entire hour internally cringing over your choice of words and hoping that he doesn’t think you are yet another cougar hitting on him with cheesy double-entendres.
Comment Spam That Makes Me Love Comment Spam
Every now and then, you get some comment spam from someone who seems like they really know you…
“Hey super fun internet person, be my valentine? Just kidding, but you’ve got a spectacular writing style. If you weren’t a figment of my imagination, I’d write you poems and such.
I mean only someone who knows my heart and soul could know that those words? Are just the words I needed to hear. Except for the part where they call me a figment of their imagination.
Get the whole story »