Hi Facebook.
Can we talk? Because I need to tell you something.
I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to say it.
I’ve been seeing someone else.
Category Archives: LOL
The Father’s Day Postmortem
Another Father’s Day has come and gone and while I like to give the father of my children a special day so he knows we all appreciate him, I kinda hate these types of holidays. You know…the ones where it’s implied at every turn that you must spend a bunch of money to show your love and appreciation.
Because my husband and I share a mutual distaste for pretty much all gifting holidays aside from birthdays and Christmas (the latter hanging by a very thin thread, I might add) we have a casual agreement to not make too big a deal out of these “special” days.
But alas, while I seriously do NOT want greeting cards, flowers, candy, balloons or a necklace from Kay Jewelers for Mother’s Day, I tend to break the agreement every year and get him something from the kids.
As I pondered what we should get their daddy for this day in which he’d probably be happiest to just be free of excessive chatter and the standard eight frillion daily requests, I considered some of the typical Father’s Day gifts:
Despite working in IT, he only wears a tie to work maybe twice a year. Additionally, it’s my thinking that ties remind people of work and nooses and other lame things.
So no, no ties. Not even ones with Captain Kirk or Yoda on them. Get the whole story
Jedi Mom Trick
5 yr old: Mommeeeee? Will you wipe my butt? I can’t wipe it like you do
Me: Why is that?
5 yr old: Because I might get poop on my hand
Me: *stifled giggle* Dude. That’s what soap and water are for
5 yr old: *indignant* Noooo…that’s for when your hands are dirty
Me: Um…I think having poop on your hands totally qualifies as “dirty”
5 yr old: Nuh uhhh
Me: Uh huhhh
5 yr old: NOOOO! Dirty is when you have dirt on your hands!
Me: So you don’t think you need to wash your hands with soap and water when they have poop on them?
5 yr old: YES I DO!
………..
HAAAA! See what I did there?
I should have been a trial lawyer.
Or a Jedi.
YES. I KNOW HE’S FIVE.
Whatever. It totally counts.
I Can’t Believe I Wasn’t Invited
I found this wrinkled, ripped up envelope, with what appears to be a shopping list for a party, in my front yard. How it got there and who these people are, I have no idea.
But clearly my name is not on the list—which is probably for the best because there appear to be more girls than boys as it is. It’s never fun to be the one of the sad, lonely few NOT making out with a boy *sigh*
ICE…BURR! (Yes, Virginia, ice really IS cold)
Well, I hope nobody got alcohol poisoning via the beer bong… (See also: Things only a mom would say)
If Only I Drank Wine
I spotted this bottle while grocery shopping with my kids (See also: reason #347 to drink wine…preferably WHILE SHOPPING).
But alas, I can’t drink wine anymore. It makes my stomach burn and then I get all flushed and hot (like temperature hot…not LET’S DO IT!!! hot) and then I fall asleep.
But if I WAS going to drink it, I’d buy this one based solely on appearances because when it comes to wine, cool name + interesting label = SOLD!
I’m a marketing department’s wet dream…
Comment Spam That Makes Me Love Comment Spam
Every now and then, you get some comment spam from someone who seems like they really know you…
“Hey super fun internet person, be my valentine? Just kidding, but you’ve got a spectacular writing style. If you weren’t a figment of my imagination, I’d write you poems and such.
I mean only someone who knows my heart and soul could know that those words? Are just the words I needed to hear. Except for the part where they call me a figment of their imagination.
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