Category: LOL
Just Say Know

I was watching some silly movie the other night where Jim Carrey’s character takes a self-help course where you are are supposed to say yes to anything anyone requests of you. Of course, this leads to all sorts of comedic shenanigans and the hijinks ensue. But I was thinking that rather than saying “yes” to everything, I should take a […]

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Should I Be Christmas Shopping or Doomsday Prepping?

Ugh. I don’t know what’s wrong got me so down but I have less than zero holiday spirit this season. Usually, I love Christmas and decorate the shit out of my house and bake cookies and do all that other Martha Stewart-y stuff  that I eschew the rest of the year. But this year, I just can’t muster the required […]

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Fifty Shades of Grey Discussed Via Text Message

ME: So I’m at the airport and I bought Fifty Shades of Grey FRIEND: No! ME: What? I was bored and it’s a bestseller. How bad could it be? FRIEND: It’s a creepy S&M book ME: I know, I know. This is “viral buzz” working its evil magic on another unsuspecting reader FRIEND: You’re gonna be all ‘Team Christian’ ME: […]

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Three Things I’ve Learned This Month

DO NOT chat with your massage therapist. Just lay down and shut your fool mouth. Why? Because you might say something really dumb to him like “Go as hard and deep as you want. I need it badly today” and even though you were innocently referring to the knots in your shoulders, you will spend the entire hour internally cringing […]

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Comment Spam That Makes Me Love Comment Spam

Every now and then, you get some comment spam from someone who seems like they really know you… “Hey super fun internet person, be my valentine? Just kidding, but you’ve got a spectacular writing style. If you weren’t a figment of my imagination, I’d write you poems and such. I mean only someone who knows my heart and soul could […]

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Dear Facebook, We Need to Talk

Hi Facebook. Can we talk? Because I need to tell you something. I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to say it. I’ve been seeing someone else.

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The Father’s Day Postmortem

Another Father’s Day has come and gone and while I like to give the father of my children a special day so he knows we all appreciate him, I kinda hate these types of holidays. You know…the ones where it’s implied at every turn that you must spend a bunch of money to show your love and appreciation. Because my […]

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Jedi Mom Trick

5 yr old: Mommeeeee? Will you wipe my butt? I can’t wipe it like you do Me: Why is that? 5 yr old: Because I might get poop on my hand Me: *stifled giggle* Dude. That’s what soap and water are for 5 yr old: *indignant* Noooo…that’s for when your hands are dirty Me: Um…I think having poop on your […]

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Is It Just Me?

Now, I don’t know what this says about me that I see ANUS MILE instead of A NU SMILE but I can tell you this much—I don’t have an anus fixation. In fact, I seriously can’t stand when someone says they’re “anal” when they really mean anal retentive…

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I Can’t Believe I Wasn’t Invited
found shopping list

I found this wrinkled, ripped up envelope, with what appears to be a shopping list for a party, in my front yard. How it got there and who these people are, I have no idea. But clearly my name is not on the list—which is probably for the best because there appear to be more girls than boys as it […]

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If Only I Drank Wine
madhousewifewine3

I spotted this bottle while grocery shopping with my kids (See also: reason #347 to drink wine…preferably WHILE SHOPPING). But alas, I can’t drink wine anymore. It makes my stomach burn and then I get all flushed and hot (like temperature hot…not LET’S DO IT!!! hot) and then I fall asleep. But if I WAS going to drink it, I’d […]

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Are You Sure You’re Not High?
Are You Sure You’re Not High?

So I went to the evil empire the other night, right? No, no, no…not the Scientology headquarters located in lovely downtown Clearwater, a mere 20 minute drive from here (in case you ever want to see the trophy case where they keep John Travolta and Tom Cruise’s REAL brains in those creepy glass jars usually reserved for fetal pigs and […]

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