Category Archives: LOL

Just Say Know

I was watching some silly movie the other night where Jim Carrey’s character takes a self-help course where you are are supposed to say yes to anything anyone requests of you. Of course, this leads to all sorts of comedic shenanigans and the hijinks ensue.

But I was thinking that rather than saying “yes” to everything, I should take a page from my kids’ books and just say “I don’t know” to everything. It seems to work really well for them and absolves them from responsibility for, well, just about everything.

Me: Where are your shoes?

Child: Ummmm I don’t know


Me: Where are my good scissors that I let you use the other day?

Child: Ummmm I don’t know.


Me: Do you need to do this worksheet I found in your backpack?

Child: Ummmm I don’t know.


Me: Why on earth did you (insert undesirable behavior here)?

Child: Ummmm I don’t know.

 

I think you get the general idea. Since they don’t know anything, they are OFF. THE. HOOK. I find out about the worksheet and eventually locate the scissors and unearth the shoes and come up with some explanation for the undesirable behavior.

But what if *I* was the one answering “I don’t know” all the time?

 

Child: Mom, what’s for dinner?

Me: I don’t know  (I no longer need to think about dinner…I WIN!)


Child: Mom, where my sneakers?

Me: I don’t know (I no longer have to hunt for shoes…YAY!)


Child: Mom, can I get a (insert toy, gadget, clothing item)?

Me: I don’t know (I don’t even have to come up with a reason for saying no!!!)


Child: Hey Mom, are we going to Disney World this summer?

Me: I don’t know  (I can put off planning a summer vacation!!!)


Child: Mom, can you drive me to (insert location)?

Me: I don’t know (I never have to drive anyone anywhere ever again unless I feel like it…WOOO!!!)


Child: Mom, can I (insert anything that doesn’t involve bodily harm or the police)?

Me: I don’t know (I don’t even have to THINK! This is SO awesome.)


Child: But whyyyyy can’t I stay up later tonight?

Me: I don’t know (This is what WINNING really looks like!)

 

So, there’s the plan…

I might market it as an e-book to start and then parlay it into a vast self-help empire where I teach people of the joys of… (say it with me!)  I DON’T KNOW!!!!

 

Should I Be Christmas Shopping or Doomsday Prepping?

Ugh.

I don’t know what’s wrong got me so down but I have less than zero holiday spirit this season. Usually, I love Christmas and decorate the shit out of my house and bake cookies and do all that other Martha Stewart-y stuff  that I eschew the rest of the year.

But this year, I just can’t muster the required JOY! to make all those things happen and I’m even feeling a wee bit resentful that I have to participate at all.

Exhibit A:

We’re supposed to decorate our tree tonight and I’m all “Can I just lay here on the couch and read my book?”

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Fifty Shades of Grey Discussed Via Text Message

ME: So I’m at the airport and I bought Fifty Shades of Grey

FRIEND: No!

ME: What? I was bored and it’s a bestseller. How bad could it be?

FRIEND: It’s a creepy S&M book

ME: I know, I know. This is “viral buzz” working its evil magic on another unsuspecting reader

FRIEND: You’re gonna be all ‘Team Christian’

ME: Do I have a choice? Who else is there?

FRIEND: See? You’re already becoming submissive

ME: I didn’t even start reading it yet (thanks to the chatty stranger next to me)

FRIEND: Apparently Christian Grey’s powers of domination are just that strong

ME: shut your whore mouth! I’m the boss!

FRIEND: Oh yeah, you’re Tony Danza!

ME: I’m NOT Tony Danza. I’m Judith Light but with way better hair.

ME: So wait…why do people hate this book so much?

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Three Things I’ve Learned This Month

DO NOT chat with your massage therapist. Just lay down and shut your fool mouth. Why? Because you might say something really dumb to him like “Go as hard and deep as you want. I need it badly today” and even though you were innocently referring to the knots in your shoulders, you will spend the entire hour internally cringing over your choice of words and hoping that he doesn’t think you are yet another cougar hitting on him with cheesy double-entendres.
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Comment Spam That Makes Me Love Comment Spam

Every now and then, you get some comment spam from someone who seems like they really know you…

“Hey super fun internet person, be my valentine? Just kidding, but you’ve got a spectacular writing style. If you weren’t a figment of my imagination, I’d write you poems and such.

I mean only someone who knows my heart and soul could know that those words? Are just the words I needed to hear. Except for the part where they call me a figment of their imagination.

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Dear Facebook, We Need to Talk

Hi Facebook.

Can we talk? Because I need to tell you something.

I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to say it.

I’ve been seeing someone else.

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The Father’s Day Postmortem

Another Father’s Day has come and gone and while I like to give the father of my children a special day so he knows we all appreciate him, I kinda hate these types of holidays. You know…the ones where it’s implied at every turn that you must spend a bunch of money to show your love and appreciation.

Because my husband and I share a mutual distaste for pretty much all gifting holidays aside from birthdays and Christmas (the latter hanging by a very thin thread, I might add) we have a casual agreement to not make too big a deal out of these “special” days.

But alas, while I seriously do NOT want greeting cards, flowers, candy, balloons or a necklace from Kay Jewelers for Mother’s Day, I tend to break the agreement every year and get him something from the kids.

As I pondered what we should get their daddy for this day in which he’d probably be happiest to just be free of excessive chatter and the standard eight frillion daily requests, I considered some of the typical Father’s Day gifts:

 


 
 

Despite working in IT, he only wears a tie to work maybe twice a year. Additionally, it’s my thinking that ties remind people of work and nooses and other lame things.

So no, no ties. Not even ones with Captain Kirk  or Yoda on them. Get the whole story »