Category Archives: Style & Design

Scenes from a Mall

In previous odes to jeans on this blog, I’ve totally spouted off on the unattractiveness of the low-rise jean. I went on and on about how they make your butt look bad and that if you’re not a toothpick or a supermodel but rather an ordinary woman with some actual flesh on her hips, you’ve probably been sporting the dreaded muffin-top, too, possibly without even knowing it.

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But after a recent trip to the mall, I’ve observed that the tides are turning and waistlines are rising. And rising. And rising.

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And while these high-waisted Levis may not look so so bad on this model, I assure you they are still the devil’s handiwork for they will lead to…

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…the return of the *ominous pause* MOM JEAN!

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And could usher in jeans like these, lace insets notwithstanding.

Look. At. Them. They’re up to her (his?) RIBS!

DO NOT WANT!!!

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And yes, celebs ARE doing it but it’s obvious their stylists have deep-seated contempt for them because why else would they let them out in public in these things?

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My fear is that these high waisted, tapered leg jeans will open the door to…PLEATS *gasp*

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And those…

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…will lead to high waists and pleats and tapered legs and buffalo plaids and STIRRUPS!!!

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I’m proud to say I never EVER owned a pair of stirrup pants.

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But I did own lots of these. And I loved them. They’re good butt pants.
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Heidi Klum’s Jordache, however, are NOT good because they’re skinny-leg jeans. Incidentally, she’s their new model in a campaign designed to make Jordache cool again. Um…didn’t anyone tell her that for years Jordache were sold exclusively at Walmart? I don’t envy her task.

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But I’d wear those evil skinny-leg Jordache from Walmart before I’d ever let a Kenny Rogers song touch my butt.

Your eyes do not deceive you… That’s him, right there on the hip pocket.

You gotta know when to hold ‘em, Know when to fold ‘em
Know when to give them to charity — and then run…

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One of my concerns amidst these extremely high waistlines is that my beloved mid-rise jeans will go away for another 20 years.

Let me just tell you that I was wearing Levis 501′s 15 years ago because I could wear them down on my hips with a fitted shirt and a funky belt and avoid the whole stick o’ denim right up under my boobs look. But today’s jeans are so much better than 501′s and I’m just not ready to give them up.

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This is me in my mid-rise jeans. Don’t I look hot?.

Homer-Butts & Muffin Tops

I know all the arguments against those ultra high-waisted “mom” jeans and let me just start saying I’M NOT IN FAVOR OF THEM! But…someone needs to speak the truth —low rise jeans are NOT flattering to 99% of the female population. They may save you from looking like your mother but you are forced to compromise in other ways. Well…unless you like having a square, almost non-existent Homer Simpson ass. I mean everyone bitches about how big their butts are but I think Sir Mix-a-Lot gave the big ass some street cred. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong but I’ve not yet heard of any odes to the Homer-butt look.

I’ve determined that it’s the low pockets that give a gal Homer-butt. Pockets are a rear-end reference point and when they are too low down, your booty appears to have left the building without you. Don’t believe me? Go to a mall, sit down and just watch the Homer-butts passing you by.

And thanks to Chicky Mama, I now know what a “muffin top” is. I mean, I was well aware of the ring of flesh, fat, whatever that is unflatteringly showcased around the waist on nearly all wearers of low-rise jeans but I didn’t know it had a special name! So that’s reason number two to think twice about low-riders. Women are SUPPOSED to have hips and a little padding on them to make them curvy but when you put the LR’s on, your curves have officially become the dreaded muffin-top. Fashion…she is a cruel mistress.

And my solution to all of these issues brought on by LR’s? Uh…wear skirts? Send threatening letters to fashion designers? To be honest, I don’t have a solution. I have a hard enough time finding jeans for myself that don’t accentuate my muffin top and butt issues. I can’t even begin to tell you what to do about the ubiquitous low rise jeans except maybe buy them a little loose because the worst of all, is when you get flared low-rise jeans and wear them too tight. Think J-Lo at the Superbowl a couple years ago. Her thighs looked like sausages and her muffin top was all over the place as she danced around, which leads me to my final point…unless you are built like a 12 yr old boy, always stick to the gently flared and always flattering boot cut. No tapers, no bell bottoms. No skinny legs. Boot cut.

Addendum: It seems that the mid-rise jean is popular among commenters but also hard to find. I did see, on Nordstrom’s site, David Kahn’s “Soccer Mom” jeans that are supposed to be more mom-bod friendly while still being a hip, low-rise style. And they were only $160! (wtf?) Another shop in the OC sells various David Kahn jeans and moms there are madly in love with them because of a little pocket magic that makes your butt look way better than regular jeans. Don’t tempt me, dammit! I still need to pay my Blogher registration…