Category Archives: I Like

Homer-Butts & Muffin Tops

I know all the arguments against those ultra high-waisted “mom” jeans and let me just start saying I’M NOT IN FAVOR OF THEM! But…someone needs to speak the truth —low rise jeans are NOT flattering to 99% of the female population. They may save you from looking like your mother but you are forced to compromise in other ways. Well…unless you like having a square, almost non-existent Homer Simpson ass. I mean everyone bitches about how big their butts are but I think Sir Mix-a-Lot gave the big ass some street cred. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong but I’ve not yet heard of any odes to the Homer-butt look.

I’ve determined that it’s the low pockets that give a gal Homer-butt. Pockets are a rear-end reference point and when they are too low down, your booty appears to have left the building without you. Don’t believe me? Go to a mall, sit down and just watch the Homer-butts passing you by.

And thanks to Chicky Mama, I now know what a “muffin top” is. I mean, I was well aware of the ring of flesh, fat, whatever that is unflatteringly showcased around the waist on nearly all wearers of low-rise jeans but I didn’t know it had a special name! So that’s reason number two to think twice about low-riders. Women are SUPPOSED to have hips and a little padding on them to make them curvy but when you put the LR’s on, your curves have officially become the dreaded muffin-top. Fashion…she is a cruel mistress.

And my solution to all of these issues brought on by LR’s? Uh…wear skirts? Send threatening letters to fashion designers? To be honest, I don’t have a solution. I have a hard enough time finding jeans for myself that don’t accentuate my muffin top and butt issues. I can’t even begin to tell you what to do about the ubiquitous low rise jeans except maybe buy them a little loose because the worst of all, is when you get flared low-rise jeans and wear them too tight. Think J-Lo at the Superbowl a couple years ago. Her thighs looked like sausages and her muffin top was all over the place as she danced around, which leads me to my final point…unless you are built like a 12 yr old boy, always stick to the gently flared and always flattering boot cut. No tapers, no bell bottoms. No skinny legs. Boot cut.

Addendum: It seems that the mid-rise jean is popular among commenters but also hard to find. I did see, on Nordstrom’s site, David Kahn’s “Soccer Mom” jeans that are supposed to be more mom-bod friendly while still being a hip, low-rise style. And they were only $160! (wtf?) Another shop in the OC sells various David Kahn jeans and moms there are madly in love with them because of a little pocket magic that makes your butt look way better than regular jeans. Don’t tempt me, dammit! I still need to pay my Blogher registration…