The Next Survivor Series

{Received via email; author unknown. My comments are in orange}

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of “pretend” bills with not enough money. Hubz? Are you kidding?

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time. Hubz would lose this round for sure.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they’re about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function. And this one.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. Not without me there to bug him.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. Just don’t take away his computer.

There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons. Hubz might actually win this round

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches. I’d like to see this

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing. And this

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse. And all of this

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes. Hubz might win this round if not for the “They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes” part

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name. Also the child’sweight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. He’s a goner

They must clean up after their sick children at 2am and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, “You’re not the boss of me.” Do rhymes about bodily functions count as “loving”?

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if…he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice. Are you kidding? He always has energy for that.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years…eventually earning the right to be called Mom! I give him a year.

Hubz is gone…

My husband left tonight to go out of town for work and he’s going to squeeze in a recording gig while he’s there. He doesn’t usually travel except maybe once or twice a year. He’ll be back Friday night if all goes as planned but I’ve never been without him for more than 8-9 hours since the baby was born last summer. Even though I know I can handle it, I’m nervous and if you ever read my “100 Things About Me” you know why. You know that I already have totally irrational fears about him leaving the house. Multiply that by 10 and that’s how I’m feeling right now. My brain is working over time thinking of stuff to worry about. Stop it!

This is going to be a lot harder for me than for him. He’ll practically be on a paid vacation; no kids, nice dinners out, someone cleaning up after him every day. I’m reallllllly jealous but I think I’m hiding it well. Okay. Maybe not…lol

He was supposed to leave about 3 hours ago, around 7pm EST but he didn’t want to leave me with the kids awake, the kitchen a mess and the trash not taken out so he helped me with all that & more before he left, even though it was going to make him get there really late. He’s a keeper :-)

Now what? I thought I’d be like “Ahhhhhh…nice quiet house.” I’m more like “Shit…it’s too quiet in here.” Both kids are asleep and I could do any number of things but I’m just sitting around being cold and wondering if I could turn this blah post into something fun and interesting but you know…I’m just not feelin’ it.

I also have this book. Just got it today from the library. I’ve been waiting forever to read it and yet, I don’t feel much like sitting down and reading. Actually, I’m afraid I’ll fall asleep and if I do, I won’t be able to hear the baby on the other side of the house. Maybe I’ll just do our taxes instead :-|

This is a Tuesday and normally I ‘d be like “Nip/Tuck night! Yippeeee!!!!” but Nip/Tuck is on hiatus right now and I don’t even think they’re showing re-runs. So nyahhh…Tuesdays blow until further notice.

I have a question about digital cameras. Mine is hopelessly outdated and I’m in the market for a new one. One that has NO delay and takes fabulous pictures. One where what you see in the viewfinder is indicative of what you will see in your photo. My price range is about $300 unless it does something really spectacular, like change a diaper, in which case, I’d be willing to go much, much higher. Please share any advice you have with me. TIA.

I guess that’s all for now. Sorry for the blogging suckage. Feel free to leave happy, peppy comments to cheer me up.

Meet Our New Addition

Isn’t our new Mac Mini adorable? Okay…it’s not really ‘ours’. It’s my husband’s. It’s the one I was going to wait until Monday to get him for his birthday. We went and got it today from the Apple Store at the Boob Job Mall (from another post, too lazy to link), which, I might add is a freaking zoo. And very white. Whoever came up with the interior design scheme for the Apple Stores has watched “2001: A Space Odyssey” one time too many. I also got some really cute sandals from the Clark’s store. I don’t know where I’d find a picture of them unless I snapped one and I’m way too lazy for that, too. Plus…do you really care? ’cause if you do, I WILL find a picture. But if not, then just use your imagination. Like everything in the Clark’s store, they are leather. Brown. Lots of straps and woven goodness to the tune of $65. I had an AMEX gift cheque from Christmas so whatever… Then it was off to Starbucks so my husband, who got up waaay early with the Prince, could get a bitter, nasty Starbucks coffee. My daughter got an organic chocolate milk and I got some kind of smoothie thing with all these juices mixed together, providing me with 1350% of my daily recommended allownace of vitamin C. Hooo boy! Do I live on the edge or what?

Anyway, I was thinking today about how lately I don’t have much to blog about. Since I analyze every motherfucking detail of my existence to death and beyond, I proceeded as usual and determined that I must be relatively happy at the moment because I always have more to blog about when I’m cranky. These are some of the topics I have bitched blogged about:

- My period returning and people calling it Aunt Flo (it pained me to even type it)
- Stupid guys running in front of my car making me almost kill them and then giving ME attitude about it
- How all the cool moms must be hiding somewhere because I can’t find them
- Unreliable people that always fucking flake out and don’t even care that they totally suck
- Slutty “My Scene” dolls
- Hurting my neck
- Being up to my belly button in the bodily fluids/expulsions of other living beings
- Not being able to lose my baby weight
- A horrible day before Christmas
- Our TV shitting the bed
- Being the crazy- insane kind of tired ALL the fucking time
- My son (The Prince) teething and not sleeping and being relentlessly fussy
- Going to the circle of hell known as “Babies R Us”
- The quest for the Jumperoo
- People who don’t even HAVE children giving parenting advice

Imagine that…I am too “happy” to blog. Fear not, loyal friends and curious strangers. It won’t last. By my calculations, I should start PMS-ing in about 7-10 days ;-)

PS: It just occurred to me that some of you might not even know what a Mac Mini is. It’s a really ass-kickingly cool, super fast, teeny tiny computer. Just the CPU, of course. It’s actual dimensions are approx. 6×6x2. It’s smaller than most external hard drives. You can read all about it here, if you are so inclined. We got the $599 one.

Indian food with a Side of Mac Mini and Bad Wife

Today is my husband’s birthday. I’m a bad wife. A very bad wife. I have no gift for him (or cake or card) We just had freaking Christmas. I got him all the things I could think of then. I was going to use my first paycheck from my awesome new job (that hardly anyone even gave a crap about when I posted about it) to get him a new Mac Mini for his studio but I don’t get paid until Monday. So, per his wishes, we’re just having Indian food tonight. You have no idea how much the man loves Indian food. It’s a big, major deal. When we were in NYC a couple years ago, we found this street that has nothing but Indian restaurants one after the other. He was in heaven. I, in the interest of being completely predictable and boring, wanted pizza for every meal.

So…later today I will see if I can get a meal delivery service to go downtown and pick up an assload of Indian for us. And then on Monday, we will go to the Apple store and buy a new Mac Mini unless he decides he wants to order from MacMall. I’m pretty sure he will go for the instant gratification over saving a few bucks. Of course he will. Duh!

Have you SEEN the Mac Mini’s, BTW? They are so teeny and cute. I should be buying one for myself instead.

No, this isn’t a trivia board BUT…

I dare you to name the 80’s movie my husband references in 6 words. I’ll set the scene for you…

My husband and I are laying on the bed with the baby early this morning. I have to get up for a minute. When I return the baby is crying.

Me: Awww…he’s upset. Were you ignoring him?

My Husband: Nobody puts Baby in the corner