A Disturbing Trend

When did soccer moms start wearing short shorts and high heels? To the grocery store? Seriously, ladies… Dressing like Victoria Beckham when you’re not Victoria Beckham just makes you look like one of those secret suburban hooker moms that Oprah’s always talking about. Please stop.

So my 18 yr old cat was sick and I took her to the vet yesterday. I told the vet I thought she had a urinary tract infection. $310 later? The vet tells me she has a urinary tract infection.

Oh, and the vet did that hairdresser maneuver where they very subtly shame you into buying the really expensive shampoo cat food from them because if you don’t you’re clearly a bad hair pet owner who doesn’t care about your appearance cat because if you did, you’d just fork over the twenty bucks for a bottle of shampoo 3.5 lb bag of cat food.

I bought it. Am spineless.

It was 28 degrees here yesterday morning. It snowed on the east coast of Florida. The day before that?

I was wearing shorts. Without my heels.

Home for the Holidays

Well, it’s Christmas eve and I’m completely done with everything I needed to do. All the presents are wrapped, cookies baked, scooters and trikes assembled and not a damn thing planned for tomorrow.

We usually travel the weekend before Christmas to see my sister-in-law’s family and all my husband’s siblings come and it’s a big, hectic gathering where I generally spend the whole 2-3 days chasing my toddler around and making sure he doesn’t fall in the unsecured pool or break something or many things. Oh, and listening to my daughter complain that her cousin (2 yrs older) won’t play with her, which always pisses me off because it’s so rude and bratty of him. Not exactly my definition of fun but we still do it just about every year.

This year, however, we didn’t do it because our only car (since the vacation fiasco of early December that resulted in the untimely death of my momvan) is a Camry and it’s just not conducive to family trips. We don’t travel light and at Christmas time we have presents and stuff to bring with us. Ugh… So we bailed this year.

And we usually spend Christmas day at my in-laws house which is always preceded by a fashion tantrum from me because I don’t want to wear the same thing I wore last year or at Thanksgiving the month before but I can’t dress down because they all dress so nice and I don’t want to be the shlub.

So I hem and haw and curse my lack of non-casual clothing and I curse the fact that I’m 15 lbs heavier than I was before I had kids and had to give away all my nice clothes and then I throw together something Christmas-y that I hate and we show up late.

Then I spend the whole time making sure my son doesn’t wreck the place or injure himself and I spend the entire meal trying to coax him to eat something instead of doing what he normally does when left to his own devices which is really messy and pretty unsavory for those who aren’t accustomed to his antics.

Good times, indeed. But alas, we will not be having those good times this year as my mother-in-law has decided to go out of state for Christmas.

Which means? We get to open presents and then lounge around the house all day. No fashion crises, no toddler-wrangling, no small talk, no formal dinner. In fact, I think we’re just going to order out tomorrow evening and not even attempt cooking a meal, which is good seeing as I don’t actually HAVE the stuff required for a holiday dinner.

Either way, it’s going to be our first no-commitment Christmas in thirteen years. Can you feel me exhaling a huge sigh of relief (and joy)?

So I went to the mall today because I’m a masochist and I had a yen for some real pain and suffering. I just had a couple last minute things I needed to get which I think is pretty impressive considering I haven’t had a car at my disposal for two weeks now.

Did you know that if you try to buy one of those moisture-wicking, stretchy running shirts for a man, on Christmas eve, that the only sizes left in every single store will be XXL and XXXL? That’s great if your guy wears one of those sizes. If he wears a medium? You’re shit out of luck.

Also, I had a mall-bangs sighting. At the mall. Ha ha! but seriously, who does that anymore? WHO?

Okay, time to try and go to sleep. I’m notorious for being tired and cranky on Christmas morning.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas. May your day have no family arguments, hurt feelings, obnoxious in-laws or weird gifts – like the chocolate fountain we got last year.

I was all for it until my BFF told me you had to add oil to the chocolate to make it flow, which totally grossed me out. But I know, ultimately, that I’m much better off not having oily chocolate in my life.

I’ve tried to think of someone who might like it so I could regift it to them but I seriously don’t know a single person who would welcome an oily chocolate fountain into their home. It might be time to rejoin that freakshow known as Freecycle.

Enjoy your Christmas :)

The Day I Killed My Cool

First let me confess that I sometimes listen to Radio Disney. I know, I know. I can feel your disdain from way over here.

But see I have a really, really good excuse for having Radio Disney programmed into the car stereo (well, actually my husband’s car stereo since I DON’T HAVE A CAR ANYMORE).

My daughter. She’s seven. She likes a couple Hannah Montana songs and well, they play the holy hell out of them on that station so she will usually ask me to put it on because there’s a 97.4% chance that she will hear one or both of those songs in the 7 minutes it takes us to get home from school.

Sometimes when she’s not in the car I forget to change the station and uh…I just listen to it. Yeah. And sometimes I even hear songs I like a little. Oh okay fine — a lot. There are a few songs I like a lot and if I’m alone in the car, I’ll turn them up really loud and dork out hard.

So the other day I have to stop and get gas and I’m listening to this song that I really like and I turn up the stereo so I can hear it while I’m filling up.

While I’m pumping my gas, the place starts blowing up and suddenly there are people all around me also getting gas but you know, it’s all good. I’m bobbing my head to the music, having a swell time.

And then the song ends. *insert loud needle scratch sound effect here*

Immediately I hear, as does everyone else at the gas station, the DJ saying “You’re listening to RADIOOOOOO DISNEYYYYYYYY!

Trust me, there’s NO way the all the yuppie hipsters around me didn’t catch that I, a grown woman, was ROCKING OUT to Radio Effing Disney.

I know it probably doesn’t compare to the time you walked through a nice restaurant with your skirt tucked into your hose but still… Really embarrassing. I could literally FEEL whatever shred of coolness I may have possessed shrivel up and die right there on the spot.

If there’s a lesson to be learned here, I guess it’s to hurry and pump your gas before the song ends. Or use an iPod.

Here it is… The song that I killed my cool over. I can’t help myself. It’s just so catchy. *hangs head in shame*

It Was a Tough Decision But the Winner Is…

Hey— remember that caption contest I sponsored like almost two weeks ago? Well, it’s time to announce the winner!

I had a really, really hard time picking just one winning caption but here are the ones that repeatedly made me laugh, chortle, chuckle, grin etc. The winner can be found after the list!

Verybadcat “Silence, subjects! You is rub ma belly or ELSE!!”

dcfullest “I too sexy for my hair.”

Amie “My harbls. You has them?”

Plain Jane Mom “Hair. Do not want.”

Mary Mert “I can has tummy tucks? Oh, and hair transplants. KTHNX.”

Peach “No.More.Frat.Parties.”

Ali “no more yanky my wanky”

NotAMeanGirl “Jabba teh Kittay…”

And the winning caption is:

“My harbls. You has them?” by Amie!

In the event that Amie does not claim her free BlogAd, a runner-up will be chosen. Thanks to everyone for submitting an entry. Ya’ll funny!

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So hey, have you noticed that little blue icon at the top of my right sidebar? IzzyMom is Parent Magazine Podcast’s Blog of the Month. Weeehooo! I’m so excited.

You can download the FREE Parent podcast by clicking that blue icon or get the deets about it here and here. Thanks, Parent Mag!

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Thanks in advance. You so rock :)

O Hai You Got Capshinz?

Between my kids’ schools, Brownies, carpool, familial obligations and doing my own work, the very lifeblood has been sucked out of me this past week so in lieu of anything intelligent, funny, informative or heartfelt on my part, I’ve decided I’m going to have my very gifted and extremely attractive readers do the work by captioning this completely bizarre photo of a hairless cat.

Best caption wins a free BlogAd in my sidebar!

The rules are simple: Make me laugh (but please, nothing that even hints at cat-hating because I LOVE TEH KITTEHS!!!)

Click image to enlarge