I Pretty Much Wasted My BIG! DAY! OFF!

Ah…those weird government holidays that about only half the United States gets off from work. You gotta love ‘em. Well, unless you’re me. I merely resent them because not only do I never get the day off but my husband is home, all up in my bidness and so are both kids. It might as well be a Saturday or Sunday, which are not at all relaxing to me. Those days mostly translate to more people asking me for stuff. Incessantly. And no grown-up TV.

To clarify… Those are the words not of a woman who hates her family but a woman who desperately needs one entire day off and all to herself, preferably with unfettered access to her home, her things and all the stuff she has saved on Tivo.

But alas, we don’t live in a perfect world and after much grumbling on my part I was graciously granted (read: forced out the door) a chance for a having a semi-day off (which really just means I get to leave the house alone — no bed to loll around on, no fave snacks to indulge in and no Tivo, dammit)

While it isn’t particularly relaxing, this gave me the once or twice in a decade opportunity to shop by myself. This means looking at clothes with both eyes instead of keeping one on the kids at all times and in between saying things like “Stop touching that. And that. And those.” and “Please don’t open the door. I’m in my underwear and nobody wants to see that.”

So what did I do? Well, I actually needed a few things from Target so that’s where I went. And because my wardrobe is in desperate need up sprucing up, I started to look at clothes — despite the fact that they have the WORST dressing rooms I’ve ever seen. The lighting is such that you see EVERY bump, bulge and dimple and the dual mirrors that let you see yourself from behind? OMG. BAD IDEA. Nobody wants to see what their ass looks like under those cruel and unforgiving lights nor do they want to acknowledge their backfat. But you see, because of it’s location, it’s super easy and totally normal to deny any existence of one’s backfat — but at Target? Nooooo can dooooo! The backfat just sits there, tauntingly. If it had had a tongue it would have stuck it out at me…

Anyway, I tried on, seriously, about 20 items of clothing but it was a complete bust. I hated everything. However, on my last trip out of the fitting room, I did notice some super cute tops and dresses. I ventured closer and started to get happy. These? These were going to fit properly and look awesome! I could just tell!

And then I saw them. The labels. They were FREAKING MATERNITY CLOTHES!!! I was coveting maternity wear — which would be fine IF I WAS ACTUALLY PREGNANT.

Arrrrgggghhhh.

My “away” time had so far been terribly unsatisfying, making me wish I’d gone to a movie or called up a friend instead.

I suddenly longed for the comfort of my sofa and with that I made my meager purchase of a few household items and promised myself that next time? I was going someplace besides Target. Just because it’s close and they have really cool housewares does NOT mean I have to buy everything there.

Convenience be damned, I had a change of heart and decided not to go home just yet but rather to hit the mall; one of my least favorite places on earth but totally chock full of clothing choices and in some cases, far more flattering lighting.

Stay tuned for Scenes from a Mall — with pictures!

The Free Ride is Over, Mama

In a recent discussion with my mother-in-law, I lamented over the fact that her late husband told us he’d set up a pre-paid college plan for my daughter but as it happens, he didn’t. It’s put us way behind in saving for college. And yes, I’m kind of irritated.

Now as in-laws go, I could have done worse and for that I’m thankful but not quite so thankful when she said “You’ll just have to go back to work when P goes to kindergarten”

Something about the way she said it rubbed me the wrong way; like I’ve just been on an extended vacay for the past seven years because, you know, staying home and running a household and managing the lives of three other people is SO! EASY! and the isolation is REALLY! FUN! and being looked at by the rest of the world as “just a mom” is GREAT! for my ego.

The free ride’s over, mama. Your ass goin’ back to work!

(Actually, it would have been a lot less insulting and far more amusing if she’d phrased it like that)

Bearing in mind that this is coming from a woman who hasn’t worked outside the home a day in her life since getting married eleventy hundred years ago made it almost laughable.

But I bit my tongue and instead opted to remind her —yet again— that I DO work, both as a mother and as a designer/writer/editor of interwebby things upon which i cannot elaborate lest she find out I have this whole other secret life. And that I blogged about her.

And she replies “Well, I don’t know what you do on your computer,” as if this is the first she’s ever heard of it.

*Blink*

And then my daughter, little spitfire that she is, chimes in “Mommy works at night on the computer and she makes money, too”

BOOYAHHHH!

Must high five daughter later for her awesomely awesome awesomeness.

So I’ll Never Be a Luddite

Would you think I was a bad parent if I admitted that life without a DVD/VCR player kind of sucks? Yeah, well YOU try to go two months without one and then report back to me. I will graciously accept your apology and let you gush all over me for being so totally right.

Ours now resides in the large dead electronics pile that occupies a sizeable footprint of space just inside our privacy fence and is starting to look like some kind of Unabomber-themed art installation called “Technology Sucks Donkey Butt.” Personally, I’d have named it “Cheap Electronics from China Suck Donkey Butt” but whatever.

So I’m off to begrudgingly buy another one and this time? I’m purchasing one of them there “We Think You Are a Total Sucker and a Dumb One at That” extended warranties that they’re always trying to sell you — and which they totally should when you’re buying the el cheapo grande $69 DVD/VCR player. Not that I would know anything about that. Ahem.

Sometimes They Come Back

The title of this post is actually the name of a Stephen King short story. More specifically, it was from a book of his short stories called “Night Shift” and I read it obsessively; more times than I can count, when I was about ten.

This, however, isn’t about anything scary or macabre.

No, this is just me wondering why people who have wronged me, in terrible ways in some cases, always come back into my life after I’ve totally moved on and forgotten all about them.

When I was 14, a girl who’d been my friend for most of ninth grade did something shitty to me that was apparently so abhorrent that uh… I can’t even remember what it was anymore. I dropped her like a bad habit but lo and behold, a year later she sent me a card and prattled on like we were the dearest of friends. WTF?

When I was 16 a girl that completely screwed me the year before and then moved away wrote me a letter like nothing had ever happened, like we were still friends. She even invited me to come stay at her house in Cocoa Beach. As if.

When I was 18 and in college, another girl who had screwed me over the year before got my phone number from my stepmom (our parents were friends) and just like the others, called me up as if nothing had ever happened and chatted me up for an excruciatingly long time.

A stellar judge of character, wasn’t I?

More recently, however, a girl that I’d been friends with for several years in my late twenties found me through my husband and emailed me full of apologies and chit chat about her life.

She never did anything horrible to me if you don’t count packing up and leaving town without so much as a goodbye. This was someone I had supported endlessly for over four years while she was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship.

I can’t even calculate the number of hours I spent on the phone, listening to her cry, propping her up and helping her plot she and her children’s escape from her very unbalanced asswipe of a baby daddy. She never went through with it and I never got mad or gave up on her like the rest of her friends.

When she moved away, with him, without a word to me, I was truly shocked and maybe a little hurt. My life went on unchanged, though, except that I no longer worried about her or her kids. Five years passed and I’d all but forgotten about her when I received that email in December

She apologized. She acknowledged that I was a good and loyal friend to her; that leaving the way she did was shitty.

And she’s still with him.

She says that life is good but I’m not sure I could ever believe that. He was a royal mindf*cker; completely incapable of accepting any responsibility for his abusive behavior. He actually told her one time, in front of me, that she LIKED being treated badly and that it was her own fault. That she MADE him be that way. I have a hard time imagining someone like that could change.

And frankly? I have no interest in finding out. I have my own life and my own problems.

So I never replied to her email and she recently wrote my husband asking if I’d received said email or not. He says I should reply.

I told him that I don’t feel compelled in the least to do so. I don’t hate her or wish anything bad upon her. I just really don’t care to pursue the matter.

For Two Days I Was a Better Mother and a Better American

You may or may not have noticed that this site was down for almost three days, as were all the other sites hosted on my account like Green Mom Finds and Moms Speak Up. I blame the butthead that had twelve MILLION files (literally) on the server.

At first I was agitated when i couldn’t get to any them. I actually didn’t know what to do with myself at night as I spend a significant amount of time each night tending to all things blog-related, like the fabulous new Green Mom Finds.

But suddenly, I found myself with plenty of time in the evenings. Time to fold laundry; time to pick up the house, time to work on other projects, time to flip through magazines and of course, watch more non-CNN-on-in-the-background-while-I-work-TV. I’m talking trashy reality TV, multiple recorded episodes of Nip/Tuck, random music videos. I even watched something completely vanilla and pedestrian during primetime. Yes, I admit it. I watched the pilot of Lipstick Jungle. And I liked it. My status as a good and obedient couch-indenting, TV-watching American is now official. *preens*

During the day, I was like Supermom! I devoted countless hours to the desires and whims of my children. Trips to procure Valentine’s junk for school, to the duck pond, to the pet store to peer at various rodentia in their aquariums, master-planned playdates lined up, extremely healthy yet tasty snacks made on demand, the reading of an untold number of books…

In short, I played more with my kids, was generally more domestic than is good for me, and I was a far more productive and attentive human being than I’ve been for the past 2.5 years. It’s kind of pathetic. And even more so because I know I could never have done all that in two days if my sites weren’t down. The lure of the computer… she is irresistible, no?

Now who wants to throw me an intervention?