Category Archives: Character Flaws

May 18 37 comments
Blog, Character Flaws, Family & Parenting, LOL

To My Mall Ratty White Trash Mom

Last Sunday on Mother’s Day, I awoke around noon and was greeted with a fantastic breakfast (that means BACON), fresh coffee, gorgeous pink Gerber daisies (my favorite) and the sweetest little treasures from my children.

Accompanying the gifts from my daughter was a card/drawing she made at school that touched my heart—but also made me scratch my head a bit (see highlighted parts).

It read:

I love my mommy sooooo much! Her name is Janet. She is fun and pretty. We like to go to the mall and buy clothing together. It’s fun! Sometimes she plays board games with me. My mommy is a great cook, too. My favorite meal she makes is tater tot casserole. My mom makes dinner, does laundry and cleans the house. I’m glad she takes good care of me.

Is that not the sweetest thing you’ve ever read? I know. It is.

The only thing I don’t understand why she makes me sound like a housewifey mall rat who favors food from the Michelle Duggar cookbook of white trashy recipes?

Allow me to elaborate…

We never go clothes shopping at the mall. Well, actually, I did recently take the kids with me when I went hunting for a purple shirt to wear for the March for Babies but seriously, before that, I can’t remember the last time I dared to take the kids clothes shopping with me. I’M NO MASOCHIST!

Also? I DID a made tater tot casserole — ONCE — but only because I happened to have all the ingredients and I really REALLY didn’t want to make burgers or meatloaf again. It was okay but nobody seemed all that jazzed about it. Yes, I noted the recipe while watching “18 Kids and Counting”  but hello? Tater Tot casserole? That’s just embarrassing and frankly not the sort of thing I’d want the whole world to know about — not including YOU , of course — because I trust that we will never speak of this again. RIGHT???

It was really very generous of my daughter to say I’m a great cook but just like that business about cleaning and doing laundry? It’s kind of not accurate. I’m a bad cook and I really try NOT to clean or do laundry. Must be wishful thinking on her part… Poor kid.

Don’t get me wrong. I thought T’s card was beyond awesome. She said all those nice things (factual errors aside), which I loved—but you have to admit…it’s comedy gold.

Now that part about being fun and pretty? That part is totally true :)

May 07 42 comments
Blog, Character Flaws

Oversharing Again

I force my children to watch Mystery Diagnosis with me every day. Okay…I don’t FORCE them, as in tying them up and propping their eyelids open with toothpicks, but I turn it on and if they don’t want to watch it? Too bad because Mystery Diagnosis is the most awesomely awesome show on TV (aside from Gossip Girl and Trust Me—which is awesome because it’s awesome and also because Tom Cavanagh, whom I used to regard as somewhat lizardy looking, is cute)

I hate, hate, HATE the term “make love” as well as any variation of it.  It just sounds so…gross…and maybe even a little skeevy. Am I alone on this? Am I weird? Maybe I am because I think I’m the only woman on the planet who does NOT get all squiggedy over the word “panties.”

Panties, panties, panties! Take off your PANTIES!

See? Not a single shudder.

But that other one… YICKETY YICK YICK YICK.

There’s only one exception and it’s this song. I like it despite the fact that the guy says the dreaded ML words ten thousand times. But other than that? DO NOT SAY.

I’m addicted to Pepperidge Farm Bordeaux cookies. I could eat a whole bag by myself and were it not for my kids swarming around me every time I open the bag, I WOULD eat them all by myself.

In other food news, I’m craving a gyro. I haven’t had one in years. Freaky meat on a spool = NOM NOM NOM.

And finally, there’s only one more episode until I’m all caught up with Doctor Who. Am sad. But for the love of all things good and decent, do NOT tell me what happens. Also? Harboring a teeny WTF crush on David Tennant.

That is all.

Apr 02 45 comments
Blog, Character Flaws, Incessant Whining, Jackassery

Hatelists: Everyone Should Make One

Don’t you sometimes just want to write a list of all the things/people you hate, piss you off or just plain annoy you? I do.

But then I’m all “Oh, but that’s so negative. I don’t want to be THAT person…all I HATE THIS and I HATE THAT!”

And then I hate myself for being so wimpy and spineless because seriously, why should I care? I’m feeling the hate and I want to vent and sharing is good—or at least that’s what they tell you in kindergarten and kindergarten teachers don’t lie, right? Because I would really hate them if they did.

So yeah, I’m gonna share the hate. And if  you start feeling the urge to lecture me about it, you should probably just not—or I’ll add you to my list.

The short list (because I’d hate to blow my whole hatewad in one shot):

• I hate when people walk away when you’re still talking to them. It makes me want to roundhouse kick them in their kidneys. Why? Because it’s just rude. Let’s roleplay for a sec… You be talking to me about something, anything, and I’ll just meander away while you’re talking. Makes ya wanna kick me, right? I knew it. You’re my kind of people.

• I hate when people send me an email or use the contact form on one of my other sites and try to convince me of how wrong I am about something BY INSULTING ME and then they link to their site which is, presumably, being left as a point of reference to my supposed wrongness and THEN? They throw in a little PR blurb about themselves. It makes me all “Dude. Do you seriously think I’m going listen to you or feature your product/service after you just talked a bunch of smack to me? You’re a social moron and if I cared about you at all, I’d send you a copy of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and try to save you from your own stupidity but since I hate you? I won’t.

• People who work in stores and know NOTHING about what the store sells and are completely unapologetic about their ignorance. EXAMPLE: I go to Office Depot to buy some ink for this Kodak behemoth of a printer/scanner/copier because while I don’t need to print at this moment, I do need to scan stuff and this stupid piece of crap won’t let you SCAN until you buy more ink. Scanning is a completely inkless process and yet I’m held hostage until I throw down for ink. How am I going to put all those old pix that showcase the fact that I used to be hot and cellulite-free on Facebook without a scanner? Note to self: I also hate Kodak. Anyway, I search the ink section only to find there is ONE pack of Kodak ink and it’s for some other Kodak device. So I ask some Office Depot dude zipping around on one of those old people scooters if they carry Kodak ink and he doesn’t know. Whatever they have out is “probably” all they have, he says. He waves in the general direction of the aisle I just came from and zips away. Must be nice to get paid for being lazy, stupid and useless. I’m certain there’s a cubicle at AIG with his name on it. So yeah, I hate Kodak, I hate Office Depot and I hate that jerk on the scooter.

• I hate people that see you heading toward a certain register at a store and haul ass to get there first, even though you were closer. I hate them and if I thought I could get away with it, I’d totally set their hair on fire without a second thought. This also applies to people who pull this same shit with parking spaces. They get extra hate points if they’re one tiny little woman driving alone in a Hummer, Suburban or Excursion.

Wow…that felt really good. I can feel the clouds of hate dispersing already. I highly recommend making a hatelist, if only to make you feel less hateful and more tolerant of the things you hate.

Wait! Do I feel a brainstorm coming on? YESSSS!!!! Seminars, books-on-tape, infomercials, Home Shopping Network—an entire empire built on getting people to recognize their hate, vent their hate and eventually be at peace with their hate. I’m gonna be a zillionaire.

HA! Wrongcards rule.

Feb 23 47 comments
Blog, Character Flaws

Just Call me the Floss Fairy

I’m curious…  Do ya’ll floss?

I do—religiously—and I’m always equal parts horrified and fascinated at what comes out of my teeth AFTER brushing. Seriously…who knew you could cram THAT MUCH stuff in there?

You may recall from my last post that I recently went out with my husband and an assortment of friends for his birthday. Can I just tell you…I saw a disturbing amount of tartar on the teeth of random strangers (and a few old acquaintances, too). Get thee to a dentist and scrape that shit off before you get gum disease, people!

Good dental hygiene is the cornerstone of my existence. I feel like flying around and handing out dental floss to the whole world. And yes, I know that’s a little weird.

Jan 30 44 comments
Blog, Character Flaws, Meta Junk

Streams of Consciousness

On my old blog, I would hate myself for doing a post like this; all meandering-ish, directionless—BUT ON THIS BLOG? I will do whatever dumb, ill-conceived thing I want! It’s a whole new game and I? Am a GAMECHANGER!

Am I the only one who is already sick of that stupid word?

Also sick of?  Social networking guru, webpreneur and mompreneur. These should be stricken from the LEXICON.

Wait, I like lexicon. It’s a cool word. (We shall not, however, discuss my abuse and occasional bastardization of the words “awesome”)

As you may or may not have noticed, I haven’t blogged a damn thing in over a week, it’s been a real humdinger (and I’m apparently an 87 yr old man). Naturally, this leads to guilt, which is SO absurd because really, who is making me feel guilty about not writing? The blog police? All my legions of fans? Heh. It’s actually rather  arrogant and self-important of me, don’t you think?

Tuesday was my husband’s 40th birthday. We were supposed to throw a big party this weekend but I’ll tell you a little secret… *stage whispers* I really don’t want to have a party. That means we would have to fix our “you have to flush it four times in a very special way” low-flow toilet which will cost a small fortune, so we just…haven’t. That’s  kind of a dealbreaker if you’re gonna have a ton of potentially drunk people at your house, right? I mean there’s no way a drunk person could flush the toilet four  times in a very special way…  And frankly, I don’t need to be judged on my toilet issues.

Also, I would have to clean extensively. I think I’ve already established in previous posts that I will do no such thing —especially since I’d have to clean it all AGAIN the next day. And? I never have fun at parties I’m hosting. NEVER.

I’m thinking since the Superbowl is this weekend, we’ll probably have a get-together out someplace that has a properly functioning toilet. Or two. This will probably happen after BlissDom which is next weekend. (Yes, despite the fact that I am neither blissful nor domestic, I’m going. Please find me and introduce yourself. I don’t bite but I might lick you if you smell really good. Whaaa? Is that a problem?)

So anyway, thinking that I would be expending tons of money and time on a party for the huz, I didn’t go ALL OUT for the huz’s birthday but it was nice… I made a kick-ass dinner (rare around here), baked an awesome triple chocolate cake and got him a few nifty things…one of which is this t-shirt. It’s so him.

I also got us him a French Press. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how much BETTER coffee tastes when you make it in one those? Really, internet…I thought we were sympatico, that you would never keep such important things from me. You disappoint me *sigh*

* The awesomelicious Youtube vid I embedded was getting all glitchety so I had to take it down. Your loss ;)

Jan 22 45 comments
Blog, Character Flaws, Domestic Bliss, LOL

This Resolution Sucks

One of my numerous New Years Resolutions:
To get more organized—not just with my stuff but in the management of my time (this should probably include not screwing around on the internet so much, yes?) and the running of my household (I know…so lame)

Current Resolution Status:
For three weeks I’ve been rolling this stuff around in my head, trying to make sense of just what it is I want to accomplish and also, more recently, to assess what I’ve accomplished thus far. Well, heh, that second part is gonna be a preeeeety short paragraph because right now, I have more excuses than progress to report. (See? See? Another psychological roadblock to actually getting stuff done…the old “I already know I suck at this, so no need to document” excuse. Gah. I really DO suck at this.)

Ohhh man. This is too hard. Maybe a nap and then we write? Yes? Pleeease?

No? *sigh*

Okay, I’ve been busying myself (because, you know, I have sooo much time to fill and not nearly enough tasks) with reading articles on the internet (THE SOURCE OF ALL KNOWLEDGE AND WISDOM) about getting organized, staying organized, and fighting clutter.

The problem? These articles are so…dry. So fact-filled. So utilitarian. So designed-to-actually-help. BLEH! There’s nothing sexy about decluttering in ANY of them. No earth-shatteringly easy secrets to organization that I could employ without even trying, either. And frankly? A distinct lack of of cute acronyms that I could actually remember in the heat of a clutter battle. Who writes this crap?

So yeah, I’ve been on this semi-passive quest for the holy grail of self-help materials; the quest for THE PLAN that will work best for me. That’s lazy person code for…the plan for which I have to merely breathe and be upright in order to execute effectively. As noted, I’m not having much luck—my life is still not organized, my time is still being squandered and frankly, all this domesticity is killing me.

I don’t know how all those Blissfully Domestic folks do it. The more I try to be pro-active and get caught up and be on the ball about stuff and just…DO…all the crap I was probably supposed to be doing anyway, the more made-of-suck I think this whole resolution idea is.

There has GOT to be a better way. But if anyone suggests a cleaning lady or a life coach, I might have to reach across the internet and pistol-whip you. And don’t think I can’t. We’re very high tech around here…

PS: Do men worry about this crap????

PPS: Please share your best get-your-life-and-stuff-under-control advice in the comments. Also feel free to share what DID NOT work for you.