The Age of Unreason

Well, I’m back after a brief trip to Camp Unspeakable. I cannot, however, tell you specifically where I was or what I was doing because the first rule of Camp Unspeakable is that we don’t talk about Camp Unspeakable.

So, you are please to be missing me, no?

I missed you, too.

Not to prattle on incessantly about that which cannot be spoken (hello ad network agreements) but I really did have a great time there. Uh uh…don’t even ask. What happens at Camp Unspeakable STAYS at Camp Unspeakable.

Suffice it to say that spending time eating, eating, oh, and eating (they fed us well) and attending a jam-packed day of weird (feed your kids Splenda!), wild (rBGH is perfectly fine!), wacky (1,4 Dioxane is harmless!) and somewhat frightening (Uterine prolapse can be fixed!) corporate edumacation with a few of mah favoritest bloggy betches was just what I needed.

Unfortunately, it’s just like when I used to go to camp every summer as a kid and then come home all deflated because what could possibly top four weeks of playing spin the bottle and slow dancing to Freebird every Friday night? Ummmmm. Nothing?

So I’m home and it seems more…noisy and chaotic. But otherwise, it’s just the same as I left it except my mostly occasionally angelic kids are now behaving like obnoxious, whiny and inexplicably loud crack monkeys. Because? It’s spring break, of course.

Did I ever mention that I loathe spring break only slightly less than having my eyeballs penetrated by an army of flying salad forks. Well, I do.

And my son, almost three, recently entered the “age of unreason”. You know, it’s the age where rational thinking and rational behavior are NONEXISTENT? The age where tantrums are thrown over Every. Little. Thing?

But since I’ve been home, he’s taken things to a whole new level. Now, when he hears something he doesn’t like, instead of just throwing himself to the floor in a kicking, screaming heap, he’s added LOTS of high-pitched whiny, squealy, screamy, brain-bleed inducing howls of protest to his repertoire. DONOTLIKE.

And the banging. What is it with little boys banging on everything?

ARRRGGGHHHH

On the upside… The devil pills? I don’t seem to need them anymore. Well, for now anyway, although I may take them anyway if this new behavior doesn’t cease and desist soon.

A peek inside the imagination of a mom on the verge:

“Here,” said Betty as she handed Joan the little brown bottle labeled Devil Pills. “I call them my Mother’s Helpers and they’re simply marvelous! Just take one whenever you feel anxious. I’ve got to run now and put a roast in the oven. Jim’s boss is coming for dinner tonight. Cocktails around three?”

“See you then. Don’t forget that gelatin salad recipe!” Joan called after her, wondering when the man would arrive to fix the Frigidaire — the thought of cocktails without ice made her shudder.

Heh. I know just how she feels.

•••

Congratulations for making it to the end. Your reward? Photos from Camp Unspeakable here and here. Try to curb your enthusiasm :)

Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News!

So I go to the doctor today and I’m like “I have this weird tense, tight feeling in my throat and chest and it can be a bit hard breathe in a nice full breath and it comes and goes all day long and sometimes it’s accompanied by this weird pulsing feeling in my chest, like right under this denty thing in my neck. It has literally come from out of nowhere and it’s starting to freak me out because, you know, not being able to breathe properly and stuff, well…it’s a bit uncomfortable.”

And after I hear scary things like “obstructive airway disease” and take a breathing test and get an EKG, both of which were completely normal, praise the sweet baby Jesus, she tells me she thinks I’m suffering from anxiety.

Anxiety?

Me?

Are you effing kidding me?

I’m not anxious. I’m SO not anxious. Nope. Not a bit. My life is pretty easy and I’m relatively happy and I AM NOT ANXIOUS, DAMMIT!

So she suggests I try some Xanax, which I know would make a lot of people ecstatic because hello? Doesn’t EVERYONE love Xanax? But me? Not happy.

So I tell her I don’t like that idea, that I’m NOT a tranquilizer kind of person, that I’m already prone to drowsiness and laziness and that being tranquil would not be good for me. But she says it would be more to rule out other things because if I feel better, then it’s obviously not some horrible life-destroying lung disease or heart problem and I won’t need that echocardiogram she ordered for me.

*SIGH*

I begrudgingly agree to take the devil pills just to see what happens and to prove to her that she? Is so TOTALLY wrong.

So I take a half of the lowest dosage available. And I fall dead asleep. But when I wake up? No tight chestiness, no weird pulsing heartbeats in my throat, no feeling like I’m breathing through a straw.

I’m cured! I’m cured!

Well, as long as I don’t mind taking de sleepytime pill 2x a day and possibly dozing off at inopportune times — you know, like when I’m driving? Ha. I kid.
But I still don’t get it. How can you have anxiety when you DON’T FEEL ANXIOUS?????

So anyway, tomorrow I’m getting on a big flying machine and going to Camp Baby. I can’t really write about it here because of ad networky things I promised to honor and obey but I can say that I’m looking forward to seein’ mah girls and, you know, releasing all that anxiety that I didn’t know I had. Of course, there are many others I wish were going but hopefully they’ll all be at BlogHer this summer (where nursing babies are totally welcome!)

Truthiness in Blogginess

I like to think of this little exercise, brainchild of ma betch, as a lowering of expectations. You see, by posting a totally decaffeinated, au-naturel, first-thing-in-the-morning pic I will be so much more impressive if and when you see me in person with degreasified hair, unblotchier skin, and a lot less eyebagginess that you will be awed and slackjawed at the sight before you. Or something.

So if you want to see the real me…clickety click right heeyah* If you want to see the less real me, look through my Flickr.

For more Self-Portrait Truthiness, check out these fine specimens of natural beautyness**

Sweetney
Her Bad Mother
Breed Em And Weep
Oh The Joys
Mamalogues
IzzyMom
Motherbumper

*Disclaimer: Management not responsible for injuries that may result.
** Brilliant wordage courtesy of Foster (age 6)

Meet Our New Green Baby

Until I decided to have children, I have to admit that environmental or “green” issues were a rather vague concept.

Sure, I was willing to support cleaner air and water. I mean, who wouldn’t? However, with the advent of my beloved internet that I adore so much that I wish I could kiss it, my eyes were soon opened to some really unsavory facts.

For example, I remember first reading that dairy cows were being implanted with devices that would constantly dose them with synthetic growth hormones (rBST, rBGH) made by chemical behemoth Monsanto.

As if that weren’t gross enough, I also read that scientists were linking that same hormone to female early onset puberty in S. America where the implants were totally unregulated and heavily used in both dairy cows and beef cows, too, to fatten them up faster.

Monsanto? Implants? Synthetic hormones? Seven year olds with boobs and pubic hair? WTF??? How is that even legal?

It was then that I started to realize that our government doesn’t necessarily act in the best interest of the people or the planet and corporate interests seem to have an awful lot of leeway when it comes to keeping products safe and industrial practices environmentally sound.

The bottom line? The government seems to care almost exclusively about the economy and corporations care about profits. I realized you have to approach these issues from that standpoint so I committed to buying green, eco-friendly and organic whenever possible.

A green mom was born! I bought my first half gallon of organic milk when I was newly pregnant and I’ve never looked back. I’m committed to raising my children with the healthiest food I can buy (within our budgetary constraints), removing as many toxins and chemicals from our household as we reasonably can and trying to make environmentally positive choices in everything we do.

All of this to tell you, my very smart and attractive readers, that myself and my fantabulous partner Cristina are today launching a new website called Green Mom Finds.

It’s both a resource site as well as a place to get new ideas every day for safer and more earth-friendly alternatives to the products that your family needs and uses.

We’ll be having some great green giveaways, as well as tracking other green contests around the web and scoring you some discounts to lots of eco and people friendly goodies.

We’ll also be highlighting other green moms around the web and serving up simple tips to help you and your family go green or get greener!

We’re really proud of the site and we hope you’ll enjoy it, too. This is the part where I try to flatter you into putting one of out pretty little buttons on your site because you are so cool and awesomely awesome.

And if that doesn’t work, I’m not averse to a little begging. My pride isn’t that important. So if you like what we’ve done and you want to lend us your support, pleeeeeeze put our button in your sidebar. We’ll be your best green friends :)

(If you’ve made it this far, thanks for being ever-so-patient and letting me prattle on about our new baby. You rock!)

Blog Clutter: Good, Bad or Doesn’t Matter?

I recently read a post over at Lorelle on Wordpress about blog clutter…you know, all that crap bling in our sidebars and any other stuff that isn’t inherently necessary to a blog’s existence.

Apparently, there’s a bit of a trend towards getting rid of all that stuff so that readers can focus on your content.

Content? Content? You mean people don’t care that I think free, unstructured outdoor play is good for kids? Or that I was the Parent Magazine podcast’s blog of the month? Or that Facebook Sucks? Or that Text link Ads can be rather lucrative? Or that we’re all invited to a fun blogger weekend getaway? Get outta here!

But seriously, folks, is the bloggy bling really deserving of the old heave ho? Personally, I have mixed feelings about it because yes, while it can be distracting and perhaps a little hard on the eyes, particularly when something is moving, twinkling or flashing, it can also serve the higher purpose of educating readers.

Yes, blog clutter can be educational in that 1) it helps us get a better sense of who the blogger is and what they’re all about and 2) it can help spread information about various causes, events and things you might actually WANT to know about.

On the other hand, however, having a ton of widgets and linky love things that send people off to other places probably isn’t so good for the blogger but if they don’t care, should we mind?

And then there is the never ending brouhaha over ads. Personally, I don’t mind them so much. Sometimes they’re even interesting but there remains a core of bloggers and readers who think content should be king and that ads have no business in the blogosphere. Bah! Tell that to the people who are known to earn a nice living from ads on their blog. I think it’s safe to say they aren’t going away anytime soon…

But alas, despite anything I’ve offered up in favor of ye olde blog clutter, I still find myself pondering the idea of having nice, soothingly tidy sidebars. In fact, I’m visualizing the sleek, milky white bars pared down to the barest of essentials and it makes me want to do it RIGHT NOW! But I’m awfully attached to my sidebar crap so meh. Maybe next month.

As a blog reader, is bloggy clutter perfectly acceptable, the worst thing since Carrot Top started wearing eyeliner or are you merely indifferent to it? What about on your own blog? Any plans to declutter?

In other news…I’m going on vacation for five days on Friday and I need a blogsitter or three. Anyone interested in writing a compelling, thought-provoking or humorous post (in other words something a tad more interesting than a post about blog clutter?) for me while I’m gone? Drop me an email — izzymom {at} g mail dawt calm.