ME: So I’m at the airport and I bought Fifty Shades of Grey
ME: What? I was bored and it’s a bestseller. How bad could it be?
FRIEND: It’s a creepy S&M book
ME: I know, I know. This is “viral buzz” working its evil magic on another unsuspecting reader
FRIEND: You’re gonna be all ‘Team Christian’
ME: Do I have a choice? Who else is there?
FRIEND: See? You’re already becoming submissive
ME: I didn’t even start reading it yet (thanks to the chatty stranger next to me)
FRIEND: Apparently Christian Grey’s powers of domination are just that strong
ME: shut your whore mouth! I’m the boss!
FRIEND: Oh yeah, you’re Tony Danza!
ME: I’m NOT Tony Danza. I’m Judith Light but with way better hair.
ME: So wait…why do people hate this book so much?
FRIEND: Because it sucks?
ME: Then why is it a bestseller, huh smartypants?
FRIEND: Because americans are titillated by porny mainstream S&M stories
ME: Ha you said titillated
FRIEND: Ha! I totally did
ME: That’s a dumb word
FRIEND: You know what’s a dumb word? Tumescent
ME: Yeah it sounds like the complete opposite of what it means
FRIEND: So does glib
ME: And pithy
FRIEND: You’re right. They’re like tricky SAT words.
ME: pithy sounds vaguely insulting doesnt it?
FRIEND: it does. Fuck those stupid tricky words
FRIEND: I bet tumescent is in your dirrrrty book
ME: Probably. Ewww
FRIEND: i know right?
ME: Why did I buy this crap book anyway?
FRIEND: bc you’re a secret pervert
ME: or a sucker
FRIEND: you’re both haha
ME: bite me
FRIEND: perverted sucker
ME: Shut up before I ball gag your ass
FRIEND: those go on your mouth, not your ass!
ME: same difference for you beeyotch!
ME: *beams proudly*
FRIEND: i bet mitt romney is all Christian Grey in the bedroom. “I like spanking and nipple clamps and I really like leather masks”
ME: oh ewwww. File under gross!
FRIEND: it’s always the square, religious ones. And rich guys, too. He’s all three
ME: you know a lot about this subject *snicker*
FRIEND: because I’m edumacated, fool!
ME: yeah you have a masters in S&M Haaaaa get it?
ME: I’m always handy with a good pun
FRIEND: you should have lived in victorian times. They loved a good pun
ME: yeah Ive heard that. But I suspect people smelled really bad back then.
FRIEND: yeah, way too much clothing, not enough showering
ME: and bloomers with no crotches so the women could pee
FRIEND: is that for real? Cause if it is spanx totally ripped them off
ME: IDK. I might have made that up. Or not.
FRIEND: you watch Downton Abbey. You oughta know
ME: okay Alanis
FRIEND: isnt it ironic? Dontcha think?
ME: like rain on your wedding day
FRIEND: thats not ironic, just bad luck.
ME: she clearly failed the tricky word part of the SAT
FRIEND: do they have the SAT in Canadia?
ME: yeah, they’re allowed to drink beer while they take it.
FRIEND: thats a stereotype!
ME: but it’s a good one
FRIEND: true, it’s not like you said they eat dogs or something
ME: yeah. Beer is a good thing. Way better than eating dogs.
FRIEND: martha stewart has never deemed beer a good thing
ME: she clearly dropped the ball on that one. We all make mistakes
FRIEND: like buying that book
ME: you know you wanna borrow it
FRIEND: just to see if it’s as bad as everyone says ;)
Friend’s name has been changed to “FRIEND” to protect her identity as someone who secretly really, really, really does want to read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’
AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION: Did you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If so, did you like it or am I a total sucker for even thinking about reading it? If you didn’t read it…why not?