Fifty Shades of Grey Discussed Via Text Message

Posted by on October 15, 2012

ME: So I’m at the airport and I bought Fifty Shades of Grey


ME: What? I was bored and it’s a bestseller. How bad could it be?

FRIEND: It’s a creepy S&M book

ME: I know, I know. This is “viral buzz” working its evil magic on another unsuspecting reader

FRIEND: You’re gonna be all ‘Team Christian’

ME: Do I have a choice? Who else is there?

FRIEND: See? You’re already becoming submissive

ME: I didn’t even start reading it yet (thanks to the chatty stranger next to me)

FRIEND: Apparently Christian Grey’s powers of domination are just that strong

ME: shut your whore mouth! I’m the boss!

FRIEND: Oh yeah, you’re Tony Danza!

ME: I’m NOT Tony Danza. I’m Judith Light but with way better hair.

ME: So wait…why do people hate this book so much?

FRIEND: Because it sucks?

ME: Then why is it a bestseller, huh smartypants?

FRIEND: Because americans are titillated by porny mainstream S&M stories

ME: Ha you said titillated

FRIEND: Ha! I totally did

ME: That’s a dumb word

FRIEND: You know what’s a dumb word? Tumescent

ME: Yeah it sounds like the complete opposite of what it means

FRIEND: So does glib

ME: And pithy

FRIEND: You’re right. They’re like tricky SAT words.

ME: pithy sounds vaguely insulting doesnt it?

FRIEND: it does. Fuck those stupid tricky words

ME: totally

FRIEND: I bet tumescent is in your dirrrrty book

ME: Probably. Ewww

FRIEND: i know right?

ME: Why did I buy this crap book anyway?

FRIEND: bc you’re a secret pervert

ME: or a sucker

FRIEND: you’re both haha

ME: bite me

FRIEND: perverted sucker

ME: Shut up before I ball gag your ass

FRIEND: those go on your mouth, not your ass!

ME: same difference for you beeyotch!

FRIEND: touche!

ME: *beams proudly*

FRIEND: i bet mitt romney is all Christian Grey in the bedroom. “I like spanking and nipple clamps and I really like leather masks”

ME: oh ewwww. File under gross!

FRIEND: it’s always the square, religious ones. And rich guys, too. He’s all three

ME: you know a lot about this subject *snicker*

FRIEND: because I’m edumacated, fool!

ME: yeah you have a masters in S&M Haaaaa get it?

FRIEND: clever!

ME: I’m always handy with a good pun

FRIEND: you should have lived in victorian times. They loved a good pun

ME: yeah Ive heard that. But I suspect people smelled really bad back then.

FRIEND: yeah, way too much clothing, not enough showering

ME: and bloomers with no crotches so the women could pee

FRIEND: is that for real? Cause if it is spanx totally ripped them off

ME: IDK. I might have made that up. Or not.

FRIEND: you watch Downton Abbey. You oughta know

ME:  okay Alanis

FRIEND: isnt it ironic? Dontcha think?

ME: like rain on your wedding day

FRIEND: thats not ironic, just bad luck.

ME: she clearly failed the tricky word part of the SAT

FRIEND: do they have the SAT in Canadia?

ME: yeah, they’re allowed to drink beer while they take it.

FRIEND: thats a stereotype!

ME: but it’s a good one

FRIEND: true, it’s not like you said they eat dogs or something

ME: yeah. Beer is a good thing. Way better than eating dogs.

FRIEND: martha stewart has never deemed beer a good thing

ME: she clearly dropped the ball on that one. We all make mistakes

FRIEND: like buying that book

ME: you know you wanna borrow it

FRIEND: just to see if it’s as bad as everyone says ;)

Friend’s name has been changed to “FRIEND” to protect her identity as someone who secretly really, really, really does want to read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION: Did you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If so, did you like it or am I a total sucker for even thinking about reading it? If you didn’t read it…why not?




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