Three Things I’ve Learned This Month

Posted by on March 27, 2012

DO NOT chat with your massage therapist. Just lay down and shut your fool mouth. Why? Because you might say something really dumb to him like “Go as hard and deep as you want. I need it badly today” and even though you were innocently referring to the knots in your shoulders, you will spend the entire hour internally cringing over your choice of words and hoping that he doesn’t think you are yet another cougar hitting on him with cheesy double-entendres.

I’ve recently come to realize that the awesomeness of a good strapless bra cannot be understated. Now this sentiment might not be shared by those of you with a larger bustline (is it just me or does “bustline” sound wayyyy seventies?) but me? I’d almost rather wear a strapless bra under everything instead of a regular one because I hate when my bra straps slip or show, which they always do.

Of course, that probably means I’d benefit from a professional bra fitting with a stout European woman named Helga but that will have to wait until I get over that last mammogram I had…eighteen years ago.

When you buy cheap towels? You GET cheap towels—cheap towels that will FOREVER have the lint of other things stuck to them and a lot of stupid strings hanging off of them and you will be embarrassed when you accidentally hand one to a guest since they really should have been put in the crappy towels section of the linen closet with all the other crap towels that are best suited for drying the bathroom floor when your six year old invariably leaves an inch of water after his bath or cleaning up the gross liquid that always surrounds a pile of cat barf.


9 Comments

  • I enjoyed reading about what you learned this month. I agree about the towels! I bought a lot of expensive towels years ago when I had money and now they’re all wearing out at once. They lasted forever though. Now I don’t want to spend money like that but poor quality towels suck in every way. Besides their thinness, you lose half the bulk every time you put them in the dryer. Cheap towels need to be banned.
    I have never had a strapless bra EVER. I want one of those bra fittings though if I thought I could handle the pushiness of the salesperson. Mammograms have changed so much since they went digital. They no longer squish you until you’re in pain. It’s really quick too and they can get the results on the spot pretty much.
    The comment you made to your masseuse (masseur?)made me laugh. I bet he gets that all the time and not just from women. No doubt they have to weed the perverts out of the occupation or they’d be in for mega lawsuits. ;-)

    • IzzyMom says:

      They don’t do the boob squish anymore? That’s great news because I have a prescription thing sitting right here on my desk for one and I’ve totally ignored it for months.

      And I have some towels I got when I got married a frillion years ago that were clearly expensive and you know what? They are STILL in decent shape. Down with cheap towels…no matter how nicely Target merchandises them!

  • Apryl's Antics says:

    Speaking for those of us with a larger bustline (cue the music from Shaft)…..strapless bras are the bane of existence. They simply serve as a temporary and slowly descending sheath between me and a spaghetti strap or strapless dress. Of course, I can use a corset, but the boning will inevitably dig into my ribs or push down uncomfortably on my hips. Now they have the best shape wear consisting of a girdle and corset fused together into some magical under armor, but it too has it’s flaws, such as the miniscule pee flap that makes it almost impossible to relieve yourself with any kind of dignity. These things have a short shelf life for me. Too bad, because they do wonders for the silhouette.

    As for towels, I think it depends. I just discarded a cheap towel I’ve owned for almost two decades. One of it’s corners finally gave way and tore. I donated it to animal shelter because its absorbency was ideal. I will miss it. :)

    You do have to be careful with a massage therapist. I emerged the next day from a massage with bruises up and down my spine. And, the woman did not speak any English. There was no way I could explain that it was NOT RELAXING.

  • Sarah says:

    You totally get what you pay for. Cheap toilet paper is the work of the devil.

    • IzzyMom says:

      But the cheap towels are deceptive—in the store they look like regular big fluffy towels…not linty, pilly, stringy McLiarpants towels!

  • Diana says:

    I’ll loan you some of my bust line and then you’ll understand why strapless bras are the devil. I woke up at 12 with a C-cup and it’s only gotten bigger. No 19 year old girl should have to worry about how supportive a bikini top is, but alas. It’s like carrying around a couple of udders. Big boobs are not what they’re cracked up to be.

    • IzzyMom says:

      I totally understand…although I’d still consider trading with you for a little while (says the malcontent with the post-breastfeeding A cups!)

  • Libby says:

    Oh, and nice towels? They are the ones that always get accidentally bleached.

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