The Father’s Day Postmortem

Posted by on June 20, 2011

Another Father’s Day has come and gone and while I like to give the father of my children a special day so he knows we all appreciate him, I kinda hate these types of holidays. You know…the ones where it’s implied at every turn that you must spend a bunch of money to show your love and appreciation.

Because my husband and I share a mutual distaste for pretty much all gifting holidays aside from birthdays and Christmas (the latter hanging by a very thin thread, I might add) we have a casual agreement to not make too big a deal out of these “special” days.

But alas, while I seriously do NOT want greeting cards, flowers, candy, balloons or a necklace from Kay Jewelers for Mother’s Day, I tend to break the agreement every year and get him something from the kids.

As I pondered what we should get their daddy for this day in which he’d probably be happiest to just be free of excessive chatter and the standard eight frillion daily requests, I considered some of the typical Father’s Day gifts:



Despite working in IT, he only wears a tie to work maybe twice a year. Additionally, it’s my thinking that ties remind people of work and nooses and other lame things.

So no, no ties. Not even ones with Captain Kirk  or Yoda on them.

What is it with retailers and barbecue stuff for men? Other than Bobby Flay, are men really that into grilling?  I mean my husband does grill but usually only because I ask him to when I don’t feel like cooking.

Basically grilling is about me passing the buck and we don’t want to remind him of that.

More importantly, giving my husband a new grill or grilling tools would be like giving me a freaking vacuum cleaner. Yes, I’ll use it but only because I have to. I sure as hell don’t want to reminded on Mother’s Day that it’s kind of my job.

No grilling stuff.
power tools
I considered the old standby of power tools but I think we actually have all the typical ones. Plus, tools would only serve to remind him of all the shit that needs to be done around here.

While I actually wouldn’t mind giving him a gentle reminder disguised as a gift, it’s just not very sporting to do that to a guy on Father’s Day and I believe in fair play. Most of the time.

A monogrammed leather valet for his dresser? *snort* For one thing, he carries way too much crap around for something this dainty. He’d be better off with a monogrammed leather milk crate.

Also? This would make stealing all his spare change entirely too easy for the kids—I need it to give to the panhandlers that populate every intersection in this city (I suffer from serious middle-class guilt…I mean look at all this *waves hand boastfully around tiny urban residential shoebox home*)


I thought about a hammock. I mean who doesn’t love a hammock? Then I started thinking about the logistics…where to put it, how big of one to get, do I need trees? The variety was mindboggling and of course, all the ones I liked were upwards of three hundred bucks. I love my husband but I’m not dropping three Benjamins on yet another place for him to get horizontal. A hundred maybe…but not three.

No hammock.

Of course I considered the always uninspired pajamas but he doesn’t really wear pajamas so much. Then I thought…how about something interesting and exotic…you know, SEXY pajamas?

However, after perusing the internet, I discovered they don’t really make sexy pajamas for men. They merely make see-through genie pants pajamas for men.

Exhibit A.
I think I’d be laughing too hard to regard these as sexy.

And all potential comedy gold aside, I’m not sure how I’d explain this gift to my kids since it’s supposed to be from them.

We’ll pass on the genie pants, thanks.

I even considered the gift of last resort…a coffee mug—you know, one with a thoroughly unoriginal #1 Dad-type slogan on it.

I’m not dissing them. God knows most of us have gone this route at some point in our lives. Just visit a thrift store housewares section if you don’t believe me.

(Also, it occurred to me that we don’t have room for anymore coffee mugs. Seriously, our coffee mug shelf runneth over with photo mugs from Father’s Days past)


I was close to caving on the kids’ suggestions of new Legos, candy, and video games when I had a brainstorm. The kids would make him a card and inside it, we put one of these:
For the man who owes his living primarily to Apple and uses his iPod Touch and iPad to their maximum potential!

We also served him something that looks a lot like this:

We then let him fart around all day doing whatever he wanted (I’m not sure but I think it involved broadcasting dubstep in the backyard to drown out the neighbor’s 7 days-a-week poolside Rush Limbaugh-a-thon).

I’m pretty sure he had a good day. If he didn’t, he better not utter a single word about it or next year? He’s getting a damn honey badger.

How was your family’s Father’s Day?


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