You know…sometimes you just want to write about stupid shit and you really wish you could because you don’t want to think about your friend Josh, who just spent six weeks in a psychiatric hospital after the men in the white coats came and took him away because he lost his mind doing bath salts.
You really want to talk to him but he hasn’t come over since he was released, probably because the last time you saw him he was all paranoid and delusional and you had to have your husband tell him not to come over anymore. You have kids to consider and even though they love Josh, they can’t be around someone who is constantly searching your house for imaginary intruders and begging you to tell him what the secret number is and slipping you notes containing warnings about your family’s impending assassination.
And so when you find out he’s been released from the hospital, you go to his house a few times but he’s never there. You know from a mutual friend that his stepfather intended to kick him out and he will soon be homeless if he isn’t already. You suspect he’s totally unemployable now and you know he has no money and you know everyone else has written him off, including his mom, the original super-intense Chinese Tiger Mother.
You’re worried about him staying clean and you wish to God he would just come over or message you on Facebook except he would have to do that at the library because on one of the innumerable occasions when he was out of his mind HARD, he smashed his laptop AND his iPad because they were talking to him and telling him terrible things.
And you can be kind of flip about it sometimes but that’s just a cover because really, you think about him every day and wonder if he’s alright and you wonder what’s going to become of him and you’re afraid you’ll never see him again and for the rest of your life you’ll be all “WTF happened to Josh?” and it will eat at you forever.
It doesn’t help at all that last night you had a horrible dream that your five year old was talking to you about Legos and Star Wars and casually says “…and Josh hung himself” and you remember how your whole body lurched awake and your eyes popped open and your husband had to keep telling you it was just a dream because it seemed SO REAL and now you’re mildly concerned that maybe it was more of a premonition than a dream.
Maybe this morning, regardless of how much work you have to do, you should go by his stepfather’s house again, just in case he’s still there, and because then you will know that you tried and didn’t just sit back and do nothing—because if something did happen to him, you would always regret it and you really, really hate regretting things.
Your husband has more or less withdrawn himself from this whole situation. He doesn’t want to take on this responsibility because Josh is a grown man and he made his choices and now he has to live with them and basically, whatever, but you? You don’t think like that and thankfully your husband gets you and understands that you’re a f@#%ing bleeding heart sucker/idiot that thinks Josh needs support and now that he’s supposedly clean and hopefully lucid, maybe for once he will listen to reason and be able to salvage what’s left of his life because after all, he’s only 27 and as frustrating and scary as all of this has been, he hasn’t actually hurt anyone but himself.
So go. Before you find an excuse not to.
I went to Josh’s house. All his stuff was gone. I knocked eleventy hundred times but nobody answered. I went to the next-door neighbors and asked them if they knew what happened to Josh and they said that he had re-admitted himself to the psychiatric facility because he was suicidal, was released again, came home and now he’s gone because his stepfather kicked him out. The neighbor said he was subdued but still delusional when he was there last week and that his stepfather said that the doctors think he may have damaged his brain permanently.
I called the facility he was at before, not knowing for sure if he was there, and asked if he was able to receive visitors. I know they can’t confirm if he’s there but they did confirm that he is NOT there, which is what I really wanted to know. So I have no idea where he is and I’m crushed because this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen…goddammit.