I’m Just Not Ready for Any of This

Posted by on November 13, 2010

Ugh…today is a hard day and it’s only 10:45am.

It started last night with the huz and I talking about our ten year old daughter who is starting to ask questions about Santa Claus. Of course we want to be honest with her but 1) she asked when our five yr old was around, so we really couldn’t and 2) once you spill the beans about Santa, the whole house of cards will come tumbling down—Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny—all that magic will evaporate in an instant. I’m not ready for that.

And today, my daughter has her last cheer event of the season. They cheer at games until October and then they do competitions for a while and then the season is over. I’ve been a very involved cheer mom and so it was hard to put her in a car this morning with her team, knowing I won’t have any contact with her until after 7pm tonight. At the last competition, cheerleaders and parents weren’t totally separated all day but at this one we are and I hate it. I didn’t even get to hug her goodbye this morning. She was in the car doing something and then BAM…they were leaving. I told her I loved her and she’s like “Okay, bye mama”  OUCH.I know it’s silly. I know it’s not a big deal. Except it is—my period is coming and I’m feeling very melancholic about EVERYTHING.

It’s hard to not be with her today. I’ve been to every game, I’ve helped them get ready for competition. I’ve stayed for all the extra practices, I rolled hair at hair rolling parties. I’ve cleaned shoes. And at this last big event, I’m not with my baby.

This thing today and the Santa thing were bad enough. Add to it that we realized last night that she’s moving up to the next division next year while the rest of her squad stays in their current division—her birthday is three weeks before the cut off so now she has to move up to an older group. She will be in 5th grade while the other girls in her division that aren’t moving up are all in 6th and possibly 7th grade. She won’t be with the girls she’s bonded with this year, with the ones she has class with every day, the ones she’s known since preschool.

She will be with MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS and it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it. She may be the right age to move up but socially and emotionally, she’s at the same level as her friends and classmates. I don’t want her with middle school girls and even worse, her best friend wants to cheer next year but she will be in the division my daughter is leaving. So basically her best friend will be cheering with all her other friends while she is with strangers. OLDER strangers.

All this is too much for me. I feel like I’m losing my little girl bit by bit. I’m not ready to let go yet….not even a by a millimeter.

I’m thinking of going back to sleep.  Maybe I’ll wake up and everything will be okay and I won’t feel like vomiting.


18 Comments

  • @TKeep123 says:

    As the older brother, my parents finally pulled me aside and told me that as long as both my younger brother and I believed in Santa, he would still come to our house and bring joy to the family…and with a wink, I knew.

    Sorry, can’t help with Cheerleading or your period.

    Fred
    @TKeep123

  • mommabird2345 says:

    My mom always told us as long as we believed in Santa we would still get presents from him. I got presents from Santa until I moved out of my mom & dad’s house. Just so you know, I STILL believe in Santa. :)

    As far as everything else, I don’t know why our kids have to do things, like, grow up. It’s so not fair. ;) Hang in there. *hugs*

  • Dawn says:

    Oh sweetie. It is suckish, I really, really know. We are interviewing HIGH schools with Em this week. In Montreal there is no middle school – they move right to High School in Grade 7.

    I told Em in 2008 , so at age ten

    http://www.balefulregards.com/2008/09/magical-reality-part-deux.html

    The whole story is in 3 parts, but the telling happens in 2, and the reaction and realization happens in part 3.

    http://www.balefulregards.com/2008/10/magical-reality-final-chapter.html

    Even now, she sometimes gets irritated with me for both telling her and not telling her. They grow up and move further away from us. And it gets Harder.

    The baby stuff was easy compared to this.

    Have a good gin and tonic and a soak in the tub.
    XO

  • SciFi Dad says:

    This may or may not make you feel better. You’ve been warned.

    When I was eight my mother sent me into the basement to grab a can of soup one day in December. I went to the shelf where the soup should have been, and instead found it covered over with garbage bags (a not uncommon occurrence as they sometimes did it to protect stuff) and the soup was on a different shelf. However, I noticed that there was wrapping paper visible behind the garbage bags. Long story short, later that day I went back and pulled out the presents, seeing some for me and my sister from Santa. That’s when I knew the stories the older kids were telling me were true and that Santa wasn’t real. But I said nothing.

    Fast forward to Christmas Day when I was about 14 or 15. We were talking about how my youngest cousin had just told his parents he knew the truth (he was 11), and my mother said that I believed until then as well. I informed her that I knew when I was eight, but didn’t want to upset her, so I just let the lie perpetuate.

    So, it’s possible she already knows and is just asking you to come clean… maybe that makes it easier, maybe it doesn’t. I’ll just stay here with my blissfully oblivious five year old and two year old a little longer.

    • IzzyMom says:

      The idea that she already knows would make things easier and yet much harder because then there is NO denying to myself that that phase of her childhood is gone for good :(

  • FishyGirl says:

    My oldest, at 11, still believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny, but she knows the truth about the Tooth Fairy. A friend busted the tooth fairy years ago, when she lost her second tooth, but somehow she never made the leap to Santa and the Easter Bunny. My own mother told me, when I was 10, and she gave me the sex talk at the same time. Which is so NOT the way to do it. I’ve interrogated Trout numerous times, and thanks to movies like The Polar Express, she claims to still believe, in spite of her friends flat-out telling her that her parents are Santa. Sometimes I wish I was her, believing for my heart despite what my brain tells me. I’m glad she still believes and really don’t plan on telling her – she’ll figure it out once her brother, who is 9, figures it out. Right now he still believes, too, even though he also knows about the Tooth Fairy. I do plan to enforce keeping up the secret for their younger siblings, though.

    And I hear you on the heartache, and I’m right there with you – she’s only 4 inches shorter than me, she wears a bra, she’s in fifth grade. Middle school is all too soon. I’m so not ready for this.

  • Jack says:

    I just wrote about some middle school memories last night and shuddered thinking about how close we are to having to contend with it again.

    Only this time on the other side- won’t be long before my fourth grader makes the move on up. We’ll blink and bam!

    It is hard to reconcile how fast they grow and how quickly they morph from little people who need us constantly to bigger kids who try to keep us at arms length.

    • IzzyMom says:

      Yeah 4th/5th grade seems to be one of the bigger turning points. Having their own stupid designation (tweens) doesn’t help either. Once they’re aware of it, it almost makes them act older, which, as you may have guessed…IDONOTWANT!

      (also, I tried a couple times to comment on your blog the other day and the comment page/form never loaded)

  • Erin O'Brien says:

    What? No Santa? I am 45-years-old and still get a stocking every year.

    TRUTH!

  • Traci says:

    Right there with you. My 10 year old is growing up we are facing the same issues. And all I want to do put my arms around her and protect her. Half the time she doesn’t even let me hug her goodbye. Where did my sweet baby go? I think she is mulling over the Santa thing in her mind and she is tempted to ask, but deep down I think she wants to still believe. I hope!

    • IzzyMom says:

      I remember WANTING to keep believing despite the “Lionel Playworld” store stickers all over my presents. Sometimes I wonder if my parents left those on as a big fat hint for me. I’m with you…I want my sweet little girl to stay that way for a while longer. They grow up WAY too fast these days :

  • Apryl's Antics says:

    Our 9 year old just learned about the whole Santa thing a month ago while spending time with her cousin (a couple of months younger).

  • I really dreaded my daughter becoming a high school freshman this year. I dreaded it so much, it made me nauseated. You know what I discovered? She is so much more fun and cool to be around. We get along so well, and I LOVE being with her. Not that I didn’t before, but now I can talk to her about things I couldn’t when she was a little girl. She’s a young lady now, and I’m blown away by her confidence, her compassion, her talent, and her intelligence. She’s a remarkable young woman, and I’m so proud to be her mom.

    Embrace your daughter’s growth; it’s such a gift.

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