Ugh…today is a hard day and it’s only 10:45am.
It started last night with the huz and I talking about our ten year old daughter who is starting to ask questions about Santa Claus. Of course we want to be honest with her but 1) she asked when our five yr old was around, so we really couldn’t and 2) once you spill the beans about Santa, the whole house of cards will come tumbling down—Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny—all that magic will evaporate in an instant. I’m not ready for that.
And today, my daughter has her last cheer event of the season. They cheer at games until October and then they do competitions for a while and then the season is over. I’ve been a very involved cheer mom and so it was hard to put her in a car this morning with her team, knowing I won’t have any contact with her until after 7pm tonight. At the last competition, cheerleaders and parents weren’t totally separated all day but at this one we are and I hate it. I didn’t even get to hug her goodbye this morning. She was in the car doing something and then BAM…they were leaving. I told her I loved her and she’s like “Okay, bye mama” OUCH.I know it’s silly. I know it’s not a big deal. Except it is—my period is coming and I’m feeling very melancholic about EVERYTHING.
It’s hard to not be with her today. I’ve been to every game, I’ve helped them get ready for competition. I’ve stayed for all the extra practices, I rolled hair at hair rolling parties. I’ve cleaned shoes. And at this last big event, I’m not with my baby.
This thing today and the Santa thing were bad enough. Add to it that we realized last night that she’s moving up to the next division next year while the rest of her squad stays in their current division—her birthday is three weeks before the cut off so now she has to move up to an older group. She will be in 5th grade while the other girls in her division that aren’t moving up are all in 6th and possibly 7th grade. She won’t be with the girls she’s bonded with this year, with the ones she has class with every day, the ones she’s known since preschool.
She will be with MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS and it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it. She may be the right age to move up but socially and emotionally, she’s at the same level as her friends and classmates. I don’t want her with middle school girls and even worse, her best friend wants to cheer next year but she will be in the division my daughter is leaving. So basically her best friend will be cheering with all her other friends while she is with strangers. OLDER strangers.
All this is too much for me. I feel like I’m losing my little girl bit by bit. I’m not ready to let go yet….not even a by a millimeter.
I’m thinking of going back to sleep. Maybe I’ll wake up and everything will be okay and I won’t feel like vomiting.