Are You Sure You’re Not High?

Posted by on August 16, 2010

So I went to the evil empire the other night, right? No, no, no…not the Scientology headquarters located in lovely downtown Clearwater, a mere 20 minute drive from here (in case you ever want to see the trophy case where they keep John Travolta and Tom Cruise’s REAL brains in those creepy glass jars usually reserved for fetal pigs and two-headed snakes. Note: Would also make for awesome science class field trip because BRAAAAAAAINS)

No, I went to that store that rhymes with Schmalmart—and I realize, as a bleeding heart liberal who tries to live as greenly as possible and supports fair trade and loves the mom and pop shops, that I’m committing some serious sacrilege but I had to go there. HAD TO. For roller skates. Because my daughter wants some for her birthday and because I was away at BlogHer on her actual birthday, which means whatever ‘lil missy wants, she WILL get. (Note to kids everywhere: Guilt is a terrific parental motivator!) Also, because it was, like, 9pm and where the frig else can you buy skates at 9pm?

So, after much wandering about, as I’m not well acquainted with the layout of Schmalmart, I finally ask some employees who were clearly more interested in continuing their conversation about whose bad ass rims were THE MOST bad ass, where they keep the roller skates—because this is fricken Schmalmart and THEY HAVE EVERYTHING.

Except they don’t.

Because they DON’T SELL ROLLERSKATES AT SCHMALMART, according to surly guy #1

The hell?

Then, in a feeble attempt to be more helpful and less surly, surly guy #2 suggests I instead go home and peruse and mail order some skates.

Well, thank you, sir, for that helpful suggestion but if I wanted to mail order stuff, I would have been all over this task WEEKS AGO. But why would I want to mail order something when, in theory, I should be able to walk amongst the People of Schmalmart, pluck some damn skates off the shelf and JUST BUY THEM.

Also, weeks ago I was much more concerned with MY OWN NEEDS…like buying shoes and dresses and shit for BlogHer. Priorities, people—I HAVE THEM—in case you didn’t know.

Okay…so I resign myself to the fact that I’m not going to get any skates on this particular evening. I’ll just carve out some more kid-free time some other day this week, because we all know how easy it is to come by kid-free time IN THE DAMN SUMMER.

So I leave and go to the toy section, thinking since I’m already here and have already committed a green mom’s cardinal sin by setting foot in the front door, that I might as well get the other gift I needed…a card game called Slamwich.

I look and look and look and I don’t see Slamwich but since I’ve never actually laid eyes on a Slamwich game, I have no idea what it looks like.

So, I go back to surly guy #2 who is now ticking off all the reasons he will, in fact, be getting a date with some girl he fancies (I’m sure his bad ass rims will play a huge part in all of this) and ask about Slamwich.

Me: I’m looking for a game called Slamwich. Can you check your computer and see if you have it in stock?

Surly Guy: Slamwich? Like sandwich?

Me: Well, yeah, except it’s Slamwich

Surly Guy: Oh. Okay.

Me: Can you check if you have it in stock?

Surly Guy: Let’s see if it’s on the shelf

Me: I already looked at all the games. I didn’t see it but I’m not sure what it looks like so it would probably be easier if you just looked it up.

Surly Guy: No, I have to look.

Me: *suppresses eyeroll*

Surly Guy: Is it this game? *holds up something called Slam*

Me: No, it’s SlamWICH

Surly Guy: Oh yeah, like sandwich!

Me: *blink*

Surly Guy: Let me call some other stores

Me: If I have to drive across town to another Schmalmart, I really don’t want it.

Surly Guy: Okay, I’ll call and see if any other store has it

Me: Are you high?

Surly Guy: What? *thinks about it for a second* No, definitely NOT high.

Me: Okay, but you should know that you SEEM really high

Surly Guy: Oh. Haha. Yeah. That’s funny. No, wait. I mean it’s funny but I’m not. Here, let me call them right now. *dials number, asks someone to help him locate “SANDWICH” and gets put on hold*

Me: No, it’s Slamwich

Surly Guy: What?

Me: Dude, seriously, LOOK IT UP ON THE COMPUTER

Surly Guy: I can’t.

Me: Why not?

Surly Guy: I’m not allowed

Me: Why?

Surly Guy: Because we can’t look up inventory

Me: You’re not allowed to look up inventory?

Surly Guy: Yes. I mean no, our computer doesn’t do that

Me: What???? Every big box store can do that

Surly Guy: Not ours

Me: So you mean to tell me that the largest retailer ON THE PLANET cannot look up something on the computer and see if it’s in stock?

Surly Guy: Nope

Me: No, seriously

Surly Guy: *hangs up phone*

Me: Wait, did they answer you? Does anyone have this stupid game? *clearly annoyed*

Surly Guy: No, I just got tired of waiting

Me: So you just hung up?

Surly Guy: *smiles* Yeah!

Me: So now what?

Surly Guy: Uh…go to the front desk. They can look it up for you

Me: Are you joking? Why didn’t you tell me this, like, ten minutes ago? Also, NO…because in my experience, those people are completely useless

Surly Guy: Yeah *laughs*

Me: Are you sure you’re not high?

So I hurried across the street to Target, which is in extreme renovation mode (translation: totally sucks right now) and also where I’m not supposed to be shopping at anyway because they gave money to anti-gay groups, and bought some damn skates. I feel bad about breaking my boycott but as noted, parental guilt is a seriously effective motivator and apparently I am willing to compromise ALL my principles in order to avoid it.

Related: I suck.


Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get Sandwich *sigh*


  • Suebob says:

    I think it rocks that you told him he seemed high. Now I’m hungry for a sandwich

  • Chibi Jeebs says:

    As a former Big Box Customer Service Representative, I kinda wanna make a SLAMWICH with his head and my hands. GAH.
    .-= Chibi Jeebs’s last blog post…New post at No More Muffintop =-.

  • JenGid says:

    I want to stab Wal-Mart in the eye with a hot fork, and now Target is acting the donkey. What the hell are we supposed to do?

  • I hate the evil empire as well and they got rid of one of my favorite things in all our nearby stores, the fabric section. Apparently you shouldn’t sew or roller skate according to them.

    But on a more helpful note, I bought Slamwich for my kids at Barnes and Noble. Just beware, the slamming will entail someone whining because they got slammed too hard.
    .-= Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post…i am music =-.

    • IzzyMom says:

      They got rid of the fabric section??? Aw man! What about the craft stuff? Is all of that gone? I actually have gone to Walmart in the past specifically because of their fabric section so that bums me out.

      So let’s see…no sewing, no skating, no playing frisbee and no walking in the rain for boys (because they don’t carry boys rainboots) *shakes head*

  • Nicole says:

    Aagh, you poor thing. I gave up too, once, and after 4 other stores resigned myself to getting some rain boots at Walmart. Guess what else they don’t have there? Strike that, they had oodles of cute girly rain boots, nothing for boys.
    .-= Nicole’s last blog post…My Own Little Blogher 10 Recap Post =-.

  • Apryl's Antics says:

    I actually had a great experience in a Wally world ONCE. I was shopping in the shoe department and had acquired quite a handful of things (of course, not my intention when I walked in, so I didn’t grab a cart) and an employee noticed me juggling everything. She offered to get me a cart and went all the way to the front of the store and came back with one. I made a point to tell a manager how nice she was. He looked completely shocked that someone actually had something nice to say about one of their employees. I’m sure this was a completely isolated incident.

  • Nicole says:

    We recently discovered that they don’t carry frisbees either. How random is that? It’s a war against traditional kids toys.
    .-= Nicole’s last blog post…Cooking for 1 =-.

  • Jeff says:

    Are you sure you didn’t mean SANDWICH?
    .-= Jeff’s last blog post…The WCU Live! ‘10-’11 Season Begins Tonight =-.

  • Jeff says:

    and by the way, re: Target. Couldn’t any donation to any GOP candidate be considered a donation to an anti-gay candidate? If so, we probably shouldn’t be buying anything from any major corporation, since many (I’m guessing) grease the pockets of GOP big-business-friendly politicians.
    .-= Jeff’s last blog post…The WCU Live! ‘10-’11 Season Begins Tonight =-.

    • IzzyMom says:

      I know, I know… AT&T is bad like that, too. But you know, people are all “Target Hates Gay People!” and I’m all “But I LIKE gay people!” and so it just kind of sticks with you and you feel obligated to do SOMETHING, even if it’s just foregoing your local in-the-throes-of-renovation Target for a month…until you need some skates to make up for missing your kid’s birthday and you cave.

      And hello! Nice to see you again…it’s been a while!

  • Candace says:

    Hahaha Schmalmart! I love it. I’m really surprised they dont have skates or frisbees. I mean really, those are like childhood staples. Gah.

  • carma says:

    I was gonna tell you to get the skates at Target because that’s where we got some rollerblades. At least your story had a happy ending. And in certain areas of W they can tell you what’s in stock. I found this out when I was at W on midnight at the beginning of tax-free weekend – the guy could tell me how many computers were in stock and how many had sold the previous week. He about talked my ear off he wanted to tell me so much. But then he was an older dude.

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