I Want
Resurrected by request, for Sarah D.
Lately, I’ve been lost in my head. Daydreaming. Longing. Wishing I had a time machine or some such device that would let me be young again. It’s not that I want to relive my youth; my glory days, per se. I don’t want to repeat history — I got my ya ya’s out before settling down, had a good long stint of married life before having kids. Theoretically, I did everything right and yet, I find myself wishing for something I’ll never have again — a carefree life; a life where the future is but a vague concept; a life where now is the only thing that matters.
I want to get dressed up to go out at midnight. I want to drink without worrying about a hangover. I want to be reckless. I want to sneak backstage and party with the band. I want to hang out of a car window while screaming my head off. I want to go to late night after parties and make out with someone cute that I’ll never see again. I want to go out to breakfast at 4am and giggle uncontrollably because my friends are tripping too hard to order. I want to befriend strangers and have deep conversations with them over too many drinks and too many cigarettes. I want my posse of crazy girlfriends and all the drama that comes with them. I want to flirt with lanky, long-haired boys that have no money or prospects. I want to take roadtrips without any advance planning and too many people in the car. I want to be seduced. I want to get love letters. I want bootycalls. I want to have an urgent need to go to the record store because I just heard the most amazing song. I want to live on pizza and saltine crackers. I want to be idealistic again. I want to be as skinny as I was when I thought I was fat. I want to come home at dawn with five friends in tow, pile onto my bed and sleep with them. I want to feel the feeling of having a crush. I want to feel that feeling of kissing someone in a way that makes you ache with desire. I want to rage against the machine. I want to LIVE.
It’s not that I hate the life I have. I wouldn’t change it for anything. But at heart, I’m a restless soul. I always want more from life than is possible. And this thing…this daydream that won’t stop, this longing — how do I make it go away?
You can call it whatever you want — a mid-life crisis, a housewife’s lament, whatever.
Just tell me I’m not the only one who’s ever felt this way.
You are definitely not alone. I think a lot of us feel this way at some point or other.
I have no regrets, but what I wouldn’t give to go back and be young and restless and wild all over again.
I totally understand where you are coming from. It would be so nice to not have to committ half my life to working to make a living, to pleasing other people all the time, to giving in to others’ demands whether I want to or not.
I feel ya’.
You’re not the only one…wait, I think someone else said that already, lol! Seriously, we can’t go back but there must be a way to fit in a wild weekend or two sometime so we can feel less restless, right?
You are SO not alone in this!!! Being mom and taking care of the responsibilities (and working) gives me the urge to indulge my wild side sometimes…. It would be SO nice not to have responsibility and to be a bit reckless…. the only thing that gets me through these phases is to indulge in small ways… Like taking a daylong adventure without a plan — get in the car and drive and see where the day takes you. I also have days where I refuse to make decisions…. even on where and what to eat. Sometimes it is nice to go with somebody else’s flow rather than direct my ship. Where I find my peace though is at water…. listening to a tide can calm my soul and resolve my discontent….
I didn’t do half that shit when I had the opportunity, LOL.
I love this post.
Ditto.
I want to drink without wondering how many calories are in the drink and whether I have scheduled time to work out in my new mommy-week.
I am in probably the happiest, most satisying marriage I know of and while we may not be having a lot of sex, or get as many date nights out as we need (is a Target run on a Saturday night a date?) I love my life, my husband, my son and the baby who is on the way.
Yet last night, I dreamt that my husband was no longer around (I think he had passed on and I had finally moved on and was healing in the dream) and the actor Jeff Daniels and I had mutual friends. We met at a friend’s weekend house and even though he knew I had two kids and the body of a perpetually size 16 woman and the boobs of a woman who birthed two children, he was courting me.
What a dream. I felt beautiful and NEWLY wanted and so charmed by the entire encounter. And I woke up. Next to the man who tells me weekly that I am more beautiful than the day he met me (which I cannot believe yet but am working on) and who adores me to my core.
It is the newness I miss. The newness of holding hands in a movie theater for the first time. The newness of that first kiss, the fireworks during the first make-out session, the moment after “I love you” has been said for the first time.
And don’t even get me started about the longing to travel. I have decided that when the baby inside me is 5, I am going back to Paris ALONE for 8 days…just me and myself and the illusion of separateness and independence.
I hear you sister. Loud and clear.
Thanks.
[...] the interest of getting a grip (see previous post) and doing something that would make me feel a bit shinier and less mom-ish, I decided to use some [...]
have you been listening to my phone conversations? my god. i feel EXACTLY the way you do. So appreciative for my amazing life and so desperate for freedom.
it’s the first kiss that kills me. We all want the first kiss again. Sigh…
Izzy, I love you. I bought underwear with lacey tops too just a few weeks ago after my GYN told me I needed a biopsy of my uterus. And why oh why did I not do this before I needed my biopsy. That was my very question to myself. In fact, I’m going out to buy more after reading your underwear entry. Now as for the wild stuff: It can still be done with or without moderation. Not sure how old your kids are. Mine were 10, 15 and 18 when I took off in the car last year (with some warning but little planning) and told my husband didn’t know when I was coming back, which he knew I needed to say and was OK with. Took all my favorite music and just drove for eight hours round and round til I found a hotel on Lake Erie I wanted to park in, which I did for four days. Hardly talked to my husband, which was pre-planned and understood. He knew I needed the freedom and was respectful. BTW< I also do Latin salsa, play African drums and drink heavily til 4 am. with friends when I want to. Sometimes I even flirt. If you don’t allow yourself a little of this freedom, you will explode.
Love this post.
Was married for 20 years then he didn’t want to be married anymore. Never had kids…never wanted them.
So yeah…the life you describe? I sorta kinda have it. Not the being skinny part. And I do have a mortgage and a full-time and a part-time job. Stupid economy, ya know?
I hang out with the most awesomest people and do the coolest things and am thankful every single second for my ability to get up and GO and not be tied to much of anything. The huge majority of my friends are late teens to mid-30’s and I get so much from their friendships and attitude that it’s given me a whole new lease on life.
Yay for being strong enough to start over and yay for friends who keep you young.
(Not saying you should start over…this is only my perception about my situation)
:)
I want to have the thrill of the chase - just one. more. time. Not alone and I think we need to do a roadtrip together ASAP.
Hell yes! Not every day, but often enough. I want to be wild, to leave all this mommysponsibility behind for a while and just be FREE. It’s almost primal at times, this want of mine. I miss just cutting loose and don’t get to do it nearly often enough!
Great post. You obviously touched a lot of people!
Me too, exactly as you say! Its painful isn’t it? And I disagree that you can do some of that stuff now…its not the same when the family is waiting home for you. BUT…I suspect we will have more freedom than we know what to do with when the kids hit their teens, and though we would look silly screaming out the car window, we will probably rejoice in our freedom in another, equally satisfying way. This tough routine of diapers and itsy bitsy spider and math homework will taper off and then, its a whole new ballgame.
PS just today I was thinking that what I am missing is the sense of possibility. That the future is wide open before me and I could choose any path.
You’re not the only one. i am too!
This is the most eloquent description of these feelings I’ve ever heard. And that includes in my own head. Reading through your list made me smile, a really big, rememeber-those-days-and-nights-smile, even as my heart was breaking. So well said.
This is the most eloquent description of these feelings I’ve ever heard. And that includes in my own head. Reading through your list made me smile, a really big, rememeber-those-days-and-nights-smile, even as my heart was breaking. So well said.
This is the most eloquent description of these feelings I’ve ever heard. And that includes in my own head. Reading through your list made me smile, a really big, rememeber-those-days-and-nights-smile, even as my heart was breaking. So well said.
You are not the only one…..I’m a restless soul also
My life is just so full, this feeling is foreign to me. The fact that I don’t have this feeling is curious to me, though. Am I just too busy to be missing anything??
This is why my husband and I are going on a 4-day, 3-night vacation to Jamaica, SANS toddler, in December! So we can do some of these things without a care in the world! I was feeling guilty for leaving our son at home, but you know what? WE NEED THIS. I dream of reading magazines on the beach without a worry of time, and an all-inclusive drink in hand ;)
First, I love this post. Second, get out of my head. Sometimes I think I’ll never be as happy and excited as I was during college and at the beginning of my career. I wish I could say, “but…”
But there is no but. Contentment and happiness are not the same thing, but at this age either beats the alternatives.
So very often…one of the reasons we bought a fast car.
I want to not be 22 and wanting for the same things…
*sigh*
I stumbled on this and can so relate. I have a wonderful life, 3 great kids, a husband I love dearly, things are really awesome. Yet there is that longing for the freedom of years past. I am fast approaching 4-0 and just missing the carefree life of the past. I find myself getting excited when I find an old boyfriend on Facebook and share a little banter. It makes me feel exciting and fun again. I miss feeling that way, when things are new and there is mystery and unknown about what’s around the corner.
[...] public links >> crush I Want Saved by luverchick on Fri 10-10-2008 guys, meet my newest crush… Saved by VivaroLane on Fri [...]
[...] public links >> crush I Want Saved by luverchick on Fri 10-10-2008 guys, meet my newest crush… Saved by VivaroLane on Fri [...]
[...] public links >> crush I Want Saved by luverchick on Fri 10-10-2008 guys, meet my newest crush… Saved by VivaroLane on Fri [...]
Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
patois’s last blog post…Brace Yourself
You get it! That’s so awesome in a bittersweet kind of way :)
oh, I SO hear ya. The whole “restless soul” thing sounds very very familiar.
Elisa’s last blog post…Outfit of the Week: coffee with the expats
I’m really glad to know that. Thank you :)
Holy shit balls!
Did I just write this and not remember? Must have been tripping too hard.
I feel you sister. :)
Allison Zapata’s last blog post…That’s Mr. Cameron to you.
Tripping too hard…HAAAAA I think I love you!
French fries and ranch dressing. French fries and ranch dressing. French fries and ranch dressing. You got that?
Oh where gave you been all my life?
Anytime I say these things I am told “oh it’s just a mid life crisis. Go get a sports car and get over it.”
But isn’t the sports car a man’s mid life crisis?
What do we do to get over it??? The making out with strangers and midnight booty calls sound awesome, but I really don’t think my husband would approve.
I don’t want to be 22 again, but I wouldn’t mind having her ass.
Donna’s last blog post…"New Moon" Random Musings - Let’s Do This!
No..I definitely don’t want to be 22 again either! I really don’t know how to get over it but I will say that weekends away with my girlfriends are temporary reprieves. It’s coming home and readjusting to the daily grind that makes it all so hard.
I feel the exact same way.
My sister once got online and found the cheapest flights she could find and just went for a weekend alone to wherever that flight took her. She ended up spending the weekend in Pittsburgh. Alone. In a hotel. And she loved it.
Something to consider.
Just the fact that she did something with abandon, regardless of where she ended up, is so very appealing. Good for her :)
I feel all these things too, and wish my life didn’t feel like Groundhog Day (every damn day the same thing)! But, I am going to Cancun with my 10 college buddies in February…maybe that will help!
OMG…I was just grousing the other day that my life is just like the movie “Groundhog Day”! I hope you have a great time on your trip. Live it up! Walk on the wild side! (I’m actually really envious of you. I need to do something like that)
You are not alone. Many also feel the same way as yours. Regrets are sometimes felt late and the only thing that we can do is regret.
You’re so right. Once you start to feel those regrets, however fleeting, they make you second guess every decision you make about the future.
I remember this post, and I remember thinking then, that I love my life and wouldn’t want to be that carefree anymore, to be wild as I was.
But ironically, just last week, I unexpectedly had a taste of some of the things that you mentioned, and I was totally thrown off my boat. Is that still me? Can a tiger change its stripes? Will I live my life with regrets? The best part is that I reconnected with an old girlfriend trying to figure it out, and we had the best laughs like we used to before this life.
Thank you.
Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post…WW - Toothless
Awww..I’m so glad you and your friend could relive the best parts of that time of your life. It definitely helps.
I feel this way all the time, and then remember how lonely I was when I lived that carefree lifestyle. The grass is always greener.
Laura Lohr : My Beautiful Life’s last blog post…Video Killed the Radio Star—
I try to remind myself of how tired I was of all the instability that comes with a fun, carefree life when I finally got married. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes not.
Wow. It’s like you just read my mind. How did you get into my head? Thank YOU for helping me know that I’m not alone. I have been having fierce feelings as you describe as of late. Probably because I just turned 45. I’m married, have a kid, a hectic job and LONG for so many of the things you describe. Not in the I’m going to leave my family way. I’m sooo grateful for what I have!
But, in the “God, I miss my youth way.” I miss unpredictability and romance and the feeling that anything is possible. And freedom! And energy! I miss looking in the mirror and feeling like I look sexy as opposed to tired, I miss the high from going out dancing on a Saturday night and wondering what the night will hold (which was usually nothing good…LOL)…
Sure, I could go out dancing now, but, seriously? Go out AT 10:30pm? That’s already 30 minutes past my bedtime!
I seriously started thinking that maybe I need to go to therapy since I don’t know anyone else feeling this way (not that I’ve asked) but now I do, so, phew, and thanks!
Jennifer’s last blog post…Trying out Temple life…
If the comments here are any indication, you’re not crazy and neither am I…which makes me feel SO! MUCH! BETTR!
You just described what I’m going through. OMG! THANK YOU!!!
No, thank YOU. Every time someone leaves a comment like yours it’s validation that I am, in fact, NOT crazy :)
Awesome! Every single thing you said, I feel profoundly here at 46 … although I would never, never opt to be the same 22 year old I was. Yikes …what a mess. (I was absolutely the girl too tripped out to read the menu … have you ever seen the menu at Jerry’s Famous Deli? It’s, like, a two foot tall, tri-fold nightmare!) But I do miss that flutter of the will-I-get-the-first-kiss and the excitement that comes with the unknown.
In the interest of full disclosure, my husband and I finally stumbled upon some amazing friends with whom we do Vegas, Cabo, Deer Valley, Jazzfest, Coachella (even Ibiza!) sans kids, plus all the legal and illegal things we remember so fondly. But remember how we used to get up the next morning feeling fine? Now, not so much …
Julie’s last blog post…More Lasers … Today’s feature: Fraxel