And You’re Not Invited

Posted by on September 2, 2009

Do you remember the first time you found out YOU weren’t invited to a party but all your friends were? (And I’m not talking about that revival thing that was being sent around on Facebook by an old (and very saved) friend. I wouldn’t go to that anyway—you see, God and I have an understanding… He doesn’t nag or guilt trip me about church stuff and I don’t attend such things and snicker the whole time. It works for us.)

Anyway, speaking of religious stuff—the party invite thing… I remember. It was in elementary school and I wasn’t invited because I wasn’t Jewish and it was the first of many Jews-only shindigs to which I was not invited. Yeah, sure…I wasn’t Jewish but I almost could have been—I ate matzo at my Jewish friends’  houses and I knew all words to Hava Nagila and my last name? It’s a PREDOMINANTLY JEWISH name, folks.

Why people felt it was okay to exclude someone who was an otherwise close friend I still don’t understand because I was never like “Oh, you can’t come to my party because you’re Jewish. Sorry. I’ll see you at school on Monday. Oh, and can I borrow your disco bag for my skating party to which you’re not invited even though we’re totally good friends?”

For what it’s worth, I got used to not being invited to all these parties and whatever Mitzvahs—mainly because I moved away. My new friends were all pretty much heathens anyway. Well, except for that girl across the street that asked me to see Flashdance with her and then tried to witness to me through the whole movie. It was a little awkward telling her I would NEVER go to her church because she was freaking me the hell out.

So fast forward like twenty something years, right? I have kids now and my daughter comes home and tells me a girl in her Girl Scout troop is having a birthday slumber party and her BFF and fellow Girls Scout got an invitation and she didn’t. This girl just attended my own daughter’s party last month so of course I wanted to be all “That little @#$%&! WHATEVER! Her mom is probably mean anyway. You don’t want to sleep over there. She’ll yell at you a lot and serve gross stuff like pickled eggs and raw onions and make you go to bed at 9:00.” But I had to play it cool, not let on that I was as upset for her (possibly more so) as she was.

Instead I calmly said mom-ish things like “There will always be things in life that you’re not invited to and it’s no big deal. And? Think of the people you haven’t invited to your parties. It wasn’t because you didn’t like them. It was because you were limited and so you had to pick only your closest friends. Maybe that’s how it is with so-and-so. I know she likes you and I know she’s a nice girl so please try not to take it personally” My pep talk appeared to be effective and she seemed to be over the whole thing, even confessing to me that she hates sleepovers because there’s always someone who snores really loud. So true, so true.

When I checked the mailbox, I hoped an invite to said party would waiting there for her but nothing. And it started to piss me off. Why would you dis-include ONE girl from your Girl Scout troop and invite everyone else? That’s just rude. Truthfully, I was merely assuming everyone else was invited; I had no evidence of this. I actually considered calling some of the other moms but what if their girls weren’t invited? Then it would just cause more trouble and thus, I forced myself to just lay low. I tried to dispel the little revenge fantasies I was enjoying where we’re throwing an envy-worthy party and handing out invitations to everyone but this one girl and sneering at her as we skip over her.  Because I am ten and SO MATURE.

I knew if left to my own devices I would probably do or say something stupid and possibly embarrassing so I put the whole thing out of my mind and filed it away as a “character building experience” because nothing builds character better than being being treated like a miniature 48 lb. leper, right?

Then my daughter casually mentions to me yesterday that she IS invited to this party, that they printed their own invites and ran out of ink. I find this slightly questionable but she says this girl told her she’s totally invited to the slumber party. Except we don’t know when and where.

Me: When is it?

Her: Um..I don’t know.

Me: We kinda need to know that. Ask her to have her mom call or email me since they ran out of ink. Ahem.

I secretly breathe a sigh of relief that we dodged this particular bullet for now. Sadly, I know this will come up again someday and it probably won’t end as happily. Lucky for her, my  daughter has me to do all her hand-wringing and revenge-fantasizing FOR HER.

Edited to Add: The day after I wrote this, my daughter did receive a computer-printed invitation along with an apology for the short notice. Apparently, they had to buy more ink.


  • Jill says:

    “Ran out of ink” my left tit…
    .-= Jill’s last blog post…For the boys =-.

  • Lucie @ UO says:

    I just hope I can be as externally mature as you whenever this happens with my kids. Because I was definitely the kid NOT getting invited, and I will not be happy to see my child’s face reflecting that kind of rejection.
    .-= Lucie @ UO’s last blog post…Graduation =-.

  • Aprylsantics says:

    This exact same thing happened in F’s troop last year. Except, there was no BS about ink shortages. It was just that she wasn’t invited. I found out about it because the mom of the birthday girl and another mom had the audacity to talk at the meeting about ‘how late they were all up’. Luckily, F didn’t hear it, but I was fuming. I’m sure that mom has no idea why I don’t make small talk with her anymore. I shy away from situations where a continuous loop of me stabbing that person plays in my head.

    • IzzyMom says:

      I shy away from situations where a continuous loop of me stabbing that person plays in my head.

      Really? It sounds like it would be kind of amusing (in a Psycho kind of way)

  • SciFi Dad says:

    You were old enough to see Flashdance at the theatres by yourself? Woah. Did you ride on a dinosaur? Also: sorry, but I don’t invite people with false teeth and blue hair to my parties. :P

    In all seriousness, SOMETHING had to happen for your daughter to learn she was invited. Did the other kid just spontaneously say something? Did your girl (or one of her friends) organize the invitees into a “you can’t exclude people” lobby? Bizarre.
    .-= SciFi Dad’s last blog post…The Accident =-.

    • IzzyMom says:

      DUDE! I was, like, 14 and her older brother took us ’cause he had a crush on me. Little did he know that his sister would sit between us and blab the whole time about her totally bitchin’ church. It completely ruined all the dirty parts…

      Re the invitation… the ACTUAL computer-printed invitation came home with my daughter today. How that happened I don’t know but it makes me hate humanity a tiny bit less to believe it was simply a) an oversight or b) a printer issue.

  • cagey says:

    As a frocking ADULT, I found out a friend of mine was hosting a monthly Texas Hold ‘Em party that I had never heard of, much less been invited to. I was (and still am) very hurt. But yeah, I had to brush it off and move on.

    We are on the cusp of dealing with the Birthday Party Sagas, so I read these sort of posts with increased interest. I am thinking of doing some sort of lottery down the line. Then, my kid can just say “Dude, sorry. I drew straws. It’s not personal.” (Hopefully, kids will still be using the word “dude” by then, right?!)
    .-= cagey’s last blog post…Randomly Random Randomness =-.

  • AMomTwoBoys says:

    GAH. All of my tween/teen insecurities just came flooding back.

    I DO NOT miss that period of my life AT ALL. Not that I’m over it, but at least now I can drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine.

    Sigh. I’m glad she was finally “invited.”
    .-= AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post…Mommy Time =-.

  • kuba says:

    the *other* happy ending, of course, is that the “phantom invitiation” thing gave you something to write about on day 2 of your NABLOMOPO…..
    .-= kuba’s last blog post…Paul McCartney @ FedEx Field, Landover MD, August 1, 2009 =-.

    • IzzyMom says:

      That’s an excellent point. Here’s hoping some more good fodder just falls into my lap like that. I already know what my next post is going to be. I’m a day behind so I’ll be posting it tonight. You’ll like it :)

  • tena says:

    I love it- I have “run out of ink” a lot! I really have and have used it as an excuse. I’ve been using the current truth of “my printer is broken” for a few months… I should probably just admit I’m too lazy, cheap, and poor to get a new one!
    .-= tena’s last blog post…Decisions, Decisions =-.

  • Um and now I’m all having chest pains and anxiety for you and your daughter. I hate people who are exclusive. And watching it happen to your child. As your old friends would say…oy!!

  • I am pretending that this will never happen.
    shut up.
    i can too.
    Janet, you handled it beautifully.

    I’m with you, I think there really was a printer issue.
    .-= rachel-asouthernfairytale’s last blog post…Best Part of The Day =-.

    • M. says:

      But if the girl’s mom really had run out of ink in her printer…. wouldn’t it have been more appropriate to first go out and buy more ink and THEN hand out all invitations at the same time??

  • Lauren says:

    Hmm… that is suspicious. I don’t remember not getting invited to things that everyone else was invited to but I was pretty clueless.
    .-= Lauren’s last blog post…Oh, Benjamin Franklin, you’re an asshole. =-.

  • Tuesday says:

    I am covering my ears and all “lalala” because I am wishing it to never happen to my kids.
    Those hurts you never forget.
    .-= Tuesday’s last blog post…At Least He Doesn’t Have A Mullet =-.

  • georgie says:

    Oh man O man I feel your pain, seriously feel your pain and have for many years…wish i could say it gets better and i so dont wanna be a debbie downer so i will say your revenge fantasies get better…
    .-= georgie’s last blog post…Things I Covet =-.

  • I remember one time in grade school totally crying my eyes out because I seemed to be the only kid who wasn’t invited to some big party at Alison’s house and I could figure out why. And then after spending what seemed like hours crying about it and working myself up into a lather, my mom suddenly said “oh… right… we got an invite in the mail for that two weeks ago… did I forget to mention it?” I was so f’d up that I barely could pull myself together to go to the party. And she wonders why I’ve been in therapy so long…

    I agree that the ink excuse is suspect and you are a good mom for wanting to break kneecaps on your daughter’s behalf (but even better for not ordering the hits).
    .-= katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post…garboil =-.

  • Loralee says:

    I was left out a lot as a kid. Once I threw a slumber party I invited my whole 5th grade class to and a sweet girl (who I swear if I ever find I will give the biggest hug to) came and didn’t attend another party thrown by the most popular girl in school because she committed to me first.

    She was the only girl to come and the ENTIRE possee of popular’s came to my house (as in found my effing address in the phone book) and showed up just to make her feel like crap for attending my party.

    It still pisses me off.
    .-= Loralee’s last blog post…108 days =-.

  • patois says:

    I’ve hidden a purportedly one-of-her-best friend’s party from my daughter. I heard about it because, hello, of course my daughter would be going to her (second or third) best friend’s party.


    Because that bitch is a jealous shit who can’t stand the fact that my daughter is bestest friends with a girl the bitch wanted to be best friends with.

    Many revenge scenarios worked through my head. Nearly three years later, I still get joy knowing that girl is a stupid ass with few friends. And I NEVER out this thought to my daughter, who is very, very sweet. (Which is a total surprise ’cause look at her mother!!!)
    .-= patois’s last blog post…Key: Sunday Scribblings =-.

  • Once when Giggles was in 3rd grade we got a hand written/drawn invite to a slumber party that was for the next day. I knew this mother and she was very organized so I called to verify the authenticity of the invite. She embarrassingly admitted to me that Giggles wasn’t a first choice. When I probed Giggles about this she told me the girl’s mother made her list out of the people that she wanted to go and then let her pick the top five from the list. When one of the girls cancelled the mom let her pick the next name down. I asked her how she felt about it and she replied “I am just glad that I wasn’t number 7″ It really put things into perspective for me.
    .-= Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post…TGIF with some winners!! =-.

  • Oh dude, this sort of thing is SUCH a hotspur for me. And reliving it with your kid, ughhhh.

  • Hotspur??? Fucking iPhone.
    .-= Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post…I know it’s crazy, but are you thinking Christmas presents yet? =-.

  • kathy says:

    Okay how do u remain calm when this happens in kindergarten? My little girl (who is one of the youngest in her class) was told by her classmate that she was only inviting 6 girls and she’s not one of them. This would not rub me the wrong way if the girls mom wasn’t a Sunday school teacher and also runs a bible study class during soccer practice. She also held my daughter back in Sunday school when all her friends were moving to the next classroom stating b/c my daughter had a summer birthday. Finally, I moved her to the next class anyway. Ironically, she brought a crying kid in the class and said to the teacher, ‘Can we move him up to this classroom I know his b-day is in the summertime’ SOOOOO I’m trying really hard not to seek revenge , maybe in the form of asking her to pray for parents that have exclusive parties in kindergarten during one of the soccer practice bible study groups.

  • I so remember not being invited to a party in jr. high and then calling the girl hostess DURING the party against my mother’s recommendations. I made her SQUIRM!! Of course she said I could come, but at least I had the sense not to. Don’t know if I could’ve taken the high road with my daughter, you did a great job.
    .-= Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post…Beatlemania! =-.

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  • Kayedra says:

    This situation is even worse when it happebs as ab adult. You woul think that when you get older that these childish situations would disappear. Not so….I am trying to be very mature about this however, I am having those childish payback thoughts.

  • Lol says:

    hehe I wasn’t invited to a party recently, i’m in my late 20′s. Im reading all these things about not being invited online but your article almost made me pop a blood vessel, lol. Im gonna cool off and not worry about not being invited. i did something cool that day anyway :)

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