Well, the good news is I don’t cancer. The less-good news is I still don’t know what the frig is going on with me, although now that the colon cancer thing is off the table, I’m far less concerned.
Honestly, I have very little faith in doctors. Most of the times that I really needed their help (beyond a cold or sinus thing or whatever), they didn’t help at all and you know what they do when they can’t figure out what’s wrong with you? They tell you you’re depressed (which naturally reminds me of the depressed vagina episode on Sex and the City) because if they can’t figure it out in two 10 minute office visits and a panel of routine labs, then it MUST be in your head. Well, should THAT happen again, the joke will be on them because I’ll be all I’M ALREADY ON THE HAPPY PILLS, DUMBASSES!
So yeah, I successfully attended and completed Asscam09 and I have to tell you that while I was worried on many fronts (and mentally composing my last will and testament and goodbye letters to my kids) I need not have worried about the actual mechanics of having a camera put my ass (or people pointing and laughing at my cellulite) because once the guy put the Propofol in my IV, I seriously cared about nothing more than going to sleep, which I did in about a nanosecond.
I hesitate to say this but I can see why Michael Jackson was demanding the stuff to help him sleep. It’s pleasant and because it’s not a narcotic, you have no shakes or nausea or itching or other sucktastic side effects. They finished the asscam, they woke me up and I was in the car and on my way home within 20 minutes, feeling totally normal. What’s crazy is that it took 3 hours of waiting and prepping and waiting for a ten minute procedure. Seriously, this place was an Asscam MILL. It’s all they do and there were a TON of people in the waiting room.
Speaking of the waiting room, I made the mistake of not bringing my phone and some nineteen year old kid was hogging the ONLY decent magazine, a three month old copy of Rolling Stone. He must have known I wanted it (I was staring at it HARD, psychically willing it to fly from his hands into mine) because he picked up another magazine and KEPT the Rolling Stone on his lap….totally taunting me. I was about to walk over and grab it and run away with it when they finally called me into the back. Note to self: NEVER willingly leave your phone at home ever again. You missed a golden opportunity to tweet some really great laxative jokes…
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that when you turn 50 and have to go for a routine asscam, it’s not that bad. Just make sure they give you the Michael Jackson drug and NOT the crappy el cheapo grande nitrous. And bring your own magazine.
I the interest of being consistent (and possibly developing a reputation for only writing about poop and ass-related things), I’m over at Aiming Low today with a funnier, albeit somewhat grosser story about something that happened to me last week. Come by and visit. We’re a lot of fun!
Ah yes, the procedure is nothing, isn’t it? I had to start at 40 b/c of family history so it looks like I get to do it again in a year or two.
I’m sorry you are still not feeling great and that they still don’t know what’s going on. Medical mysteries suck unless you’re watching them on TV.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post…Grading My Kid =-.
I hate to go here but. . . this is exactly the problem with our health care system. The way it’s set up discourages doctors from figuring out what’s wrong with us. They make money running unnecessary tests and, of course, every time you have to come back in, more money. I’m quite sure if the system rewarded doctors for diagnosing and treating or, oh I don’t know, curing their patients, it would be very different to go to the doctor.
By the way, when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, they shot me up with something and I swear to God I think I would have turned tricks to get more of it. Thank the Lord I wouldn’t even know where to look for it.
.-= Carrie @ Who Knew?’s last blog post…(Un)comfortably Numb =-.
I’m so glad you’re OK. I’m so putting off things I know I shouldn’t at, ahem, my advanced age.
so, if you run into your doctor later and he doesn’t recognize you, are you going to have to show him your bunghole?
;-)
.-= kdiddy’s last blog post…kennywood stats =-.
Always always bring your own reading material to a doctors office – it’s one of my golden rules. And the last time I realized I’d left my phone at home I literally broke into a cold sweat.
I hope you are feeling better soon, with or without the help of our illustrious health care system.
.-= Meredith’s last blog post…Girl knows what she’s doing =-.
I’m sorry you didn’t get any answers. Bummer.
Did you see my tangentially related post the other day? http://www.magpiemusing.com/2009/08/you-want-to-know-how-much-colonoscopy.html
.-= magpie’s last blog post…Let’s Review: Scented Pencils =-.
I’m glad it’s not cancer, sorry to hear that you don’t have better answers.
.-= Tracy’s last blog post…One way to recycle a tire from NASA =-.
yay! No cancer!
And I’ve noticed the same-it’s in your head, or my personal favorite, it’s cause I’m fat. Heh.
I always travel with at least one book. You just never know. :)
.-= thordora’s last blog post…2 weeks, give or take. =-.
I went through all of this, and the gyno to check for ovarian cancer and I ended up having a milk allergy. no dairy=no probs. It has been a miracle.
ah, now that’s the REALLY frustrating thing, when you feel like crap, you KNOW you do, and yet they can’t find anything medically…. you end up wishing they’d find something, anything, no matter how serious, just to validate what you’ve been compaining about….. meanwhile, you stress out because you have no idea why you’re feeling the way you do……. hopefully they find what’s up so you can have some peace of mind…..
.-= kuba’s last blog post…Paul McCartney @ FedEx Field, Landover MD, August 1, 2009 =-.
Glad the AssCam came back….clean.
.-= MiaHysteria’s last blog post…Tweet Me Friday =-.
Well, I’m glad it’s over and done and all is well. Lessons learned: have good sleeping pills and always carry a phone and preferably reading material.
.-= Scotch Straight Up’s last blog post…Fatty, Fatty TwoxFour =-.
Well, I’m glad the asscam was clean, but I hope you don’t need the cootchie cam!
.-= Jill’s last blog post…La la la la! I can’t hear you! =-.
Lost my internets this weekend because of lightning. So, I’m just getting the skinny on the a$$cam results. Sad that your BFF has to check the web for that! :) We are sooo busy, so it’s okay by me. I’m happy it’s not a Farrah problem (too early?) and that you got MJ drugs for it (how apropos). Any way you can fit Ed McMahon in on this? Perhaps you are totally eligible for the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes. It would make sense.
And if you don’t want to wait until you’re 50, you can get the home asscam kit. I watch my colon every night. Well, sometimes I’m busy and have to Tivo it, but I never miss an episode. You can also skip through the commercials.
(Glad you don’t have cancer. Super glad. Also, thanks for the drug tip.)
.-= Mayopie’s last blog post…Why I love the UFC =-.
Yay! No cancer! Sorry they didn’t figure it out. Get to the gyno and see what they can find. Keep us posted!
.-= Diana’s last blog post…Tired =-.
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