Got the Scary Asscam Baby Denial Blues

Posted by on July 31, 2009

I got my period today. I guess that’s good. Last month, after a little mistake right around ovulation time, I was worried that I might be pregnant because I am nothing if not fertile. Like I always get knocked up on the first try fertile. How I didn’t become a teen pregnancy statistic is a complete mystery to me…

Anyway, I was all afraid I was pregnant, particularly because I had THE STOMACH ACHE. This is a particular kind of stomach pain that I only ever got when I was pregnant. It always feels like something is gnawing at me from the inside— 24 hours a days for the first 13 weeks.

Well, I had that and it only made me more afraid that I was pregnant. And the pooping. Or lack thereof. That’s always a hallmark of my pregnancies and I invariably end up eating like six boxes of raisin bran a month. And the belly. I LOOKED three months pregnant, which after you’ve had a couple kids, can happen in the first six weeks or so.

But then my period came and I was relieved. Sort of.  And I went on with my life. The stomach aches continued, as did the other anomalies that I would normally attribute to being with child and finally it became unbearable. I was wearing my drawstring buffet pants every damn day and eating Rolaids and Tums like they were candy and the other thing? Even bowls and bowls of raisin bran didn’t help. And yet, I was definitely NOT pregnant.

So I went to a gastroenterologist and after asking me a bunch of questions, he suggests I lay off the Rolaids and Tums and have a colonoscopy so they can see what’s going on. Did he just say he WANTS TO STICK A CAMERA UP MY ASS?

I’m like “Really?  Is that actually necessary?” which of course, he says yes. But don’t worry, he says, you’ll be asleep.

Translation: YOU’LL NEVER EVEN KNOW I PUT A CAMERA UP YOUR ASS

Except I would know.

And a ton of people will see my cellulite while I’m sleeping. With a camera up my ass. So undignified.

Did I mention I’m really vain?

So this was like three weeks ago. I put off Asscam 09 because BlogHer was coming up and frankly, if there was any bad news (that would be cancer, said Dr. Asscam), I would know right after the procedure and I didn’t want to go to Chicago with bad news on my mind. I’m selfish like that.

Also, I have to drink a WHOLE BOTTLE of Miralax the day before. Do I really need to elaborate on this?

Well, Blogher is now over and I still haven’t made the appointment. I’m scared. I know it’s selfish to keep putting it off because you know, I have kids and stuff but I just. Can’t. Do. It. I can’t make the call. I’ve tried.

Talk some sense into me.

I also got a mole biopsied a couple weeks ago. I never heard back from the dermatologist so I’m assuming there’s nothing to be concerned about. But really…two cancer things in one month? Can anyone blame me for being in total denial mode?

So the other night, we’re watching WEEDS. Don’t know if you watch it or not but Nancy had her baby, right? And it’s making all those newborn baby grimaces—and then it smiles. And I start tearing up.

A part of me really wants another baby. All the fear and hoping I wasn’t pregnant was a kneejerk reaction, I think. We have two kids already and no room or money for a third. It’s a bad idea. But my heart and hormones don’t care about that. They want what they want. And my husband doesn’t want what he doesn’t want. He has zero interest in having more children. And frankly, another child would probably take us to the brink of insanity. Neither of us handles stress very gracefully. And P, my youngest, still needs me even though he announced the other day that he “wants a bunch of babies.”  And N is growing up faster than I can even make sense of. Having another baby would take my attention away from them and that would kill me.

And yet, despite all of that,  I still can’t think about the fact that I will most likely never again hold another baby of my own—not without getting all sad. Because I just want what I want. And what I want is to be a mom one more time. Even if it’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever had. And inconvenient. And selfish.

I keep hoping this is all hormonally-driven. Or some kind of phase. I can’t imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life anymore than I can imagine starting all over with a newborn. Maybe if I leave post-it notes all over the place with phrases like “sleep deprivation!” “cracked nipples!” “colic!” and “episiotomy!” I’ll get over it faster…

And I still can’t imagine willingly attending Asscam 09.

*sigh*


41 Comments

  • Oh, babe! Well….DO Asscam09 and get it over with..just do it…and maybe in the joy of the totally clean and wonderful pooper of yours you’ll just get crazy and make a rash decision and little baby Anissa will come 9 months later.

    But DO IT….if you need, I can come down and hold your hand and tell you no one looked at your butt.

    Just IN IT.
    .-= Anissa@FreeAnissa’s last blog post…Sometimes forgetfulness is a GOOD thing! =-.

  • I’ve done it – both the asscam and the wanting a baby.

    The asscam is SO much easier than the new baby. You get happy, sleepy-time meds. But you do pee out of your ass for a solid 6 hours the day before.

    Give & take.
    .-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]‘s last blog post…Can’t get much lower on the health chain =-.

  • Maria says:

    Oh lady.

    I’d be all nervous about asscam too. I hope it goes really smoothly and ends up being a funny story you can tell.

    ..I want another baby too. George does NOT. But. But. But.
    .-= Maria’s last blog post…a modern tale, still the same =-.

  • kuba says:

    I hope you do the right thing and get checked out….
    .-= kuba’s last blog post…Shelby relaxing…. =-.

  • AMomTwoBoys says:

    My two cents, for what they’re worth:

    1). Schedule it & get it over with. So you can move on and not worry about it.

    2). To making more Izzy Babies.

    Hugs and kisses.
    .-= AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post…The Rules According to Meghan =-.

  • Just do it ;-) The fear of something is almost always worse than the reality

    and then make more cute babies ;-) K.

  • OK – first of all: do the asscam and I swear when they want to stick a camera up my ass, I’ll share it with you (and the world). And it’s highly possible I’ve already had a camera up my ass so if I find it on YouTube, I swear I’ll link to it.

    Second: I want a baby so bad (but not, but do, but not) and since I don’t have all night to pound this comment out, I’ll just say: I get you.
    .-= katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post…This isn’t a BlogHer Recap (alternate title: Viva La Siesta!) =-.

  • Shash says:

    I did Asscam 07. I got the T-Shirt. :)

    The hardest part is the drinking of the stuff to flush you out. I highly recommend you get reading material for the “reading room”. Maybe put a TV in there. WAY easier.

    I held an 8mo old in my arms today and smelled that sweet baby smell…and my ovaries twitched. I may have melted.

    If they could bottle up that sweet baby smell and sell it, I would totally buy it.

    I know how you feel though. Sigh.

    xo
    .-= Shash’s last blog post…BlogHer ‘09 – Coming Home Again =-.

  • carolyn says:

    First time commenter. I have words to share, so here goes.

    Asscam: been there, done that, not NEARLY as bad as it sounds. And the sleepy meds? Very nice and you don’t remember a thing. Well, you remember the nasty tasting stuff and the endless running to the bathroom, but otherwise…nothing about the actual asscam.

    Baby: always wanted a third, never quite got around to it for many reasons. Yesterday I held and smelled a baby and then handed her back and there was no twitching of ovaries or anything. It was the first time that ever happened.

  • Diana says:

    Well, I’ve never personally had an asscam, but if it makes you feel any better my little sister has had so many of them it’s like a normal part of her week now — and she’s not even out of high school yet.

    Monday, volleyball practice. Tuesday, go out with friends. Wednesday, asscam.

    It’s like that weekly. I swear it. Or at least monthly.

    And she has told me that they really aren’t all that bad aside from the shitting the day before. So get it done. I’ll come down there and supervise if I have to — kick anyone’s ass whose eyes linger on your cellulite too long. Plus, you know, with me in the room your cellulite will look so much less cellulite-y. ;-)
    .-= Diana’s last blog post…On The Breaking of a Thread =-.

  • Assertagirl says:

    I just took my husband last month for a colonoscopy and he said that the worst part of it all was the day leading up to it. And not even the constant emptying of his bowels, although that was certainly unpleasant…for him it was having to fast during that time (and it’s not really fasting, you can have apple juice and chicken broth and other clear fluids). The actual procedure was a piece of cake and when it was over we were both so happy and proud that he had gone through with it (his dad died of colon cancer). The doctors said they didn’t need to see him for another five years. And you are still young, Janet, so you should just bite the bullet and do it and you’ll be so relieved to have a clean bill of health. My mom went last year, too, and she felt the same way.
    .-= Assertagirl’s last blog post…24 weeks pregnant: The hell that is the baby registry. =-.

  • It’s just the age we’re reaching. I’ve been through both, the cancer scares and the feared (and sort of hoped for) potential accidental pregnancy. It is way harder than I ever realized it would be to come to terms with the notion that my baby making days are OVER. Because that was such a special time in my life. And children are da bomb.

    As for Asscam 09, I think you’re subconsciously looking for a little push to make that appointment (why yes, I am a trained psychiatrist. PSYCHE). So here goes.

    Push. ;)
    .-= Suburban Turmoil’s last blog post…If You’re Visiting from Advertising Age… =-.

  • I don’t know anything about asscams, but that entire paragraph starting with “I want another baby” roams around in my head every single day. Verbatim. It doesn’t help that I see wee babes everywhere. After having twins, I have this insatiable desire to experience one baby. But, what if I got two again…
    .-= Laurin (@LaurinEvans)’s last blog post…I Have a Good Reason, Friends. CHECK IT OUT! =-.

  • patois says:

    PUSH. PUSH. PUSH. You won’t forgive yourself for not making and keeping that appointment.

    As for another baby? Can’t offer up anything in that department.
    .-= patois’s last blog post…The Weekly Wonderings #118 =-.

  • JJR says:

    Sending good vibes your way. You will feel better getting a professional word on the matter, so you can move on with debating family matters.

    My husband gets the big V in two weeks. We are both a little sad to the baby time end, but we have two wild little girls that just about put us in the nuts house:)
    .-= JJR’s last blog post…911: What is Your Emergency? =-.

  • Get thee to the asscam doctor. Think of what a nice treat it will be to lay on a table and sleep. They’ll probably even bring you apple juice and crackers. Consider it a spa day. No settling fights between children; no making lunch or dinner; no planning what to do next. I say, enjoy this time off with a camera in your booty.

  • How do I say this delicately…?

    GET THE MUTHAEFFING ASSCAM!!!!

    Seriously. Please. Do not mess around. I can not stress this enough.

    And if it makes you feel any better, I’ll be scheduling my appt. when I get back from vacation. If we get appts around the same time we can Skype each other during the prep! It’ll suck (slightly) less! Wheee!
    .-= Chicky Chicky Baby’s last blog post…Baby steps =-.

  • magpie says:

    Having participated in Asscam09 not once but twice, just do it. (Yeah, I had one in June, and another last week – it was my BlogHer detox.) It’s not nearly as bad as they saw, and you get peace of mind. Not to mention the fact that you will have the best nap EVER when you get home. Just do it. Call me if you need moral support. Or suggestions on how to drink the juice. Just do it.
    .-= magpie’s last blog post…Tooth Fairy =-.

  • I understand about not wanting to go to Asscam ’09. I wouldn’t want to go either. Just the thought of someone rooting around up my ass… Oh wait, I’m not helping, am I? If it makes you feel any better, I never went to Boobmash ’07 or ’08 and I know my gyn will request the honor of my presence at Boobmash ’09 next time I see her.
    As far as another baby goes, I’m assuming you haven’t been around any teenagers lately. That’s why God gives us babies first. If we had teenagers first, we’d all have just one child. Ha!
    .-= Wife@yankeewife.com‘s last blog post…I know, it has been a while, hasn’t it? =-.

  • fidget says:

    you should come over, we’ll burn my furniture together and you can bounce a baby on your knee **hugs** and the asscam? You should do it to put your mind at ease b/c as long as that is hovering over you, you are going to need the tums if for nothing else, the stress of thinking about it
    .-= fidget’s last blog post…The interwebz is giving me a complex =-.

  • Weird. I had an asscam but not. I don’t know what the mini version is called but I had it. No meds. Maybe there was some numbing something or other because I don’t recall pain. And certainly no 6 hour butt peeing. I say schedule and get it over with. You’ll feel better knowing.

    Also on the baby front – me too. Me too.

  • twig says:

    Yeah, asscam kinda sucks when you think about it, but it’s not so bad, really. Who knows what actually happened during the procedure (thanks to a suspiciously young anesthesiologist) and yes – my big ol’ gut, ass and cellulite were there for everyone in that room to see. oh well.

    So just do it. and you can finally stop stressing out. it’s actually better and not as humiliating as getting boobs mashed in between cold metal for my annual mammogram. I hate it when strangers touch me and my boobs.

    As for the third baby – I had similar feelings a couple years ago. And maybe, just maybe, if we had a bigger house, if we had more moola, if I wasn’t incessantly asking the kids we already have to pick up their damned toys, then maybe I’d want to have another one. I saw a baby today at the grocery store screaming his lungs off while his mommy juggled the cart and her toddler child and then i thought, never again! I needs my sleep!
    .-= twig’s last blog post…Thank Goodness Friendship Day Only Comes Once a Year =-.

  • Schedule that appointment and get it over with….. if they do find something, it’s always better to find out as soon as possible, right?

    Push, push…
    .-= Jodi – Mom’s Favorite Stuff’s last blog post…Jodi’s July/Early August DVDs to See =-.

  • Tere says:

    As everyone’s already said: JUST GO GET THE ASSCAM OVER WITH!

    No matter what the news is, it’s better to just know.
    .-= Tere’s last blog post…A Nifty List, and a Nickname is Chosen =-.

  • Karly says:

    I’d be all nervous about the asscam too. I’m on year 5 of no lady bits doctor, because even that makes me all icky feeling. Damn it. We both need to get our shit together and just DO IT.
    .-= Karly’s last blog post…The Pictures Are Because I Get Requests Like “More Pictures of Cleatus, Please.” Not Because They Actually Have Anything To Do With This Post. Blogging Is So Hard. =-.

  • Mrs4444 says:

    OMG! Asscam 09? LMBO! (no pun intended, haha). You MUST read this very important related post: http://www.halfpastkissintime.com/2009/02/how-to-practice-for-colonoscopy.html

  • Aprylsantics says:

    I can’t yell at you about it. I like relaxing on DeNial, too.

    BABY!? Holy crap! No. Please let it be teh hormones.

    • IzzyMom says:

      I think it might be hormonal. In any case, common sense will likely prevail… I know it’s def. a BAD idea but regardless, I’d still love to have just one more wee one.

      (Rest assured, however, that since T is now aware of my heart’s desire, he will be playing it EXTRA safe.)

  • SciFi Dad says:

    The more important question is, how are you planning on monetizing Asscam ’09? Live streaming? Downloadable content? Mystery Science Theatre style commentary?

  • Tuesday says:

    I would do the same procrastinating that youa re doing. Hands down waking up to know you were bum voilated without a stack of hundreds on the table next to you sounds terrible.
    BUT, you have to do it.

    Live tweet it!
    .-= Tuesday’s last blog post…The Rhythem Is Gonna Get You =-.

  • Miss Britt says:

    Listen to me, Woman. Because *I* simply cannot handle something bad happening to you.

    You get your ASS to the doctor. Now. Because most likely they will be ruling out cancer and be able to move on to the next thing that will actually MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

    And if they don’t? Well then they will be able to go in and FIX IT. Quickly. Because you went to the doctor right away.

    Please.

    Because I said so.

  • Anon says:

    Must you use the word “ASSCAM”?

  • I’ve never personally been to Asscam, but if I needed to, I’d be there! Stay well!
    .-= Karen @ If I Could Escape’s last blog post…Happy 10th Birthday Son . . . =-.

  • I feel your pain. I have the same PTSD about making appointments with the dentist. I’d rather go to the gyno than the dentist. I might even rather get the Ass Cam.

    And I agree, you must use the term Ass Cam.

    Good luck! Can’t wait to hear how it all ENDS UP!
    .-= Jeannie @ the Adventures of Mr. Busypants’s last blog post…California: Airplane Travels and Kidspace in Pasadena =-.

  • Karen MEG says:

    I am also procrastinating on the asscam visit. As of January of this year, I found out that we have a history of a very aggressive cancer in the family … one that took my Dad within 4 weeks of diagnosis. But I have no symptoms, so the reco is sometime before 50, I’m giving myself the 6 years to drag my heels…if you’re having pains, you should get your ass in there (sorry) sooner rather than later.

    My husband had it done a few years ago when trying to figure out the source of internal pains. I think the worst part about it was the drink before. And the fact that he couldn’t close the back of his dressing gown which was also about 2 sizes too small for him. I’m sure he’ll be happy to know that I shared that. But it did rule out cancer, so that was a good thing.

    Good luck!

  • I had a colonoscopy and it was not horrible at all.

    If they tell you to refrigerate the stuff you have to drink the night before because it makes it taste better, don’t listen. Maybe it does, but it made me so cold that I couldn’t stop shivering. Shivering and pooping are not fun ways to spend the evening. If you can avoid the shivering part, you will be better off.

    Good luck!
    .-= radioactive tori’s last blog post…Living as if I am Recovering =-.

  • Love it!!!!! This video captures the personality of Greenwood.

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