Creepy Kiddie Accessories 2.0

Posted by on June 3, 2009

A long time ago, I recall seeing wigs for babies and being all What? The Hell. But in all fairness, at least BabyToupee.com recognizes that their wigs fall into the patently ridiculous/OMFG category.

But lo, there’s a new kid on the wig block and they’ve made it their mission to insure no bald-ish baby girls are ever mistaken for boys, thanks to their Baby Bangs. Scariest part? It’s not a joke.

Sure, your daughter will never be mistaken for a boy again when sporting her Baby Bangs but DAMN THEY’RE UGLY!

Something tells me these will be a BIG hit with the beauty pageant moms who seem to function under the premise that  natural, un-bedazzled little girls cannot be considered beautiful.

But wait! It gets better because in addition to beribboned baby wigs, there are also… Get ready for it…

Creepy...

Creepy...

HIGH HEELED BABY BOOTIES.

No, I’m not shitting you. Yes, I’m completely serious. And while I think the baby wigs are dumb and rather unattractive, they cannot even begin to touch the Heelarious shoes. Freaky factoid? They’re apparently a pretty hot seller.  But WHO buys this shit? Even as a gag, who would actually put those stupid things on their baby???

Cute!

Not creepy!

Is it possible I’ve gone through a wormhole and ended up in some bizarre parallel universe where people DON’T think babies in wigs and high heels is creepy as hell?

My oracle tells me you can soon look forward to baby spray tans and tiny little Lee Press-On nails for the diaper set. Add a wig and some heels and see how SEXAY your baby can be!

Dontcha wish your baby was HOTT like mine…dontcha wish your baby was a freak like mine?

I suspect I’ll get at least one or two comments from people saying “Baby Bangs and Heelarious heels r soooo cute! Ur just jelus u dint think of it first and u jus hate pageant moms cuz ur baby isnt pretty”


33 Comments

  • Jodi says:

    Oh my gosh. The bangs thing is just heinous, but the heels are beyond ridiculous. And to see some of them are “almost retired”. Yikes.

  • feefifoto says:

    Baby Bangs — because it’s just too darn much trouble to tell strangers your baby’s gender.

  • Brandy says:

    Holy shit what’s next!?!

  • SciFi Dad says:

    This comes from a world that sells Dora lip gloss. Not lip balm (like Chapstick) lip GLOSS. In a COMPACT. With a MIRROR.

    Dora is marketed at the, what, three to four year old set? (By the time they’re five – if not sooner – they have moved on to Disney Princesses.)

    I cannot explain the world. I just live in its craziness.

  • Aprylsantics says:

    Baby high heels. Why didn’t I think of that? Because I’m not an ass, apparently.

    • IzzyMom says:

      But it might have been worth it, in this case, to become an ass because apparently there’s a sucker with incredibly bad taste born every minute…

  • Tuesday says:

    I have seen and written about all of these creepy things.
    I really would just love to know who is buying them?

  • BigBaby says:

    My friend received a pair of those high heeled baby booties from her father-in-law’s girlfriend when her daughter was a newborn. Let me assure you they are equally as disturbing up close. My first reaction was maybe this was a joke, but then it became clear that indeed it was not. I am afraid that some people not only find these articles cute, but maybe even necessary for their adorable one’s attire.
    My son is 11 months old and he still gets the comment that he is too pretty to be a boy. I wonder what type of accessory I can buy that will put an end to that back-handed compliment?

    • IzzyMom says:

      A big old Magnum PI mustache would probably do the trick…lol

      (Hey! I think I just stumbled onto the NEXT! BIG! THING! for babies with gender-confusion issues)

    • We got that comment a lot about our son. “He’s too pretty to be a boy.” Ugh! Finally I just smiled back and answered, “You know, you’re right. I think we’ll raise him as a girl.” Big smile again.

      Worked like a big ole can of shut up juice. : )

  • BigBaby says:

    LOL! Thanks for making my day brighter with that vision :) If we decide to use it I will send you a pic of the little guy.

  • Stephanie says:

    I’ve seen those before, and the idea really annoys me. I don’t care whether people think my baby is a boy or a girl, and as a baby, she doesn’t care either. Pretty much irrelevant at this age, aside from a few diaper issues.

  • Assertagirl says:

    Laughing my ass off at “baby titty tassles.” No way is my kid getting near any of this shit.

  • Those are very scary — who on earth would put those on their kid?

  • magpie says:

    So many kinds of awful I can’t begin. Horrible.

    However, I am strangely happy to know such things exist – I sent the bangs link to several people.

  • Lisa Griggs-Campbell says:

    Dear Izzy Mom,
    I would like to first thank you, for acknowledging my innovative and one of its kind creation, Baby Bangs! .HAIR+band.

    My name is Lisa Campbell, and I am the creator of Baby Bangs! .HAIR+band.

    Please allow me to offer a few words of claryfication concerning Baby Bangs! to you and your followers, because there seems to be quite a bit of negativity and/or possible ignorance pertaining to why a product such as Baby Bangs! HAIR+band deserves to exist.

    Baby Bangs! are NOVELTY hair accessories and were created especially for little girls with little hair.

    These miniature creations are simply fun/fashion hair accessory alternatives to the usual ‘baldy baby’ hair accessories such as the glue on/stick on bow, or the oversized gaudy headband that covers up the majority of a little girls head.

    Most baby girls will not have any substantial hair growth until after the age of 2.

    And everyone really desires for their children, male and female, to be attractive, who doesn’t?

    Baby Bangs! happen to be our first introduction in a series of Hair+PLUS Miniature Hair Accessories made just for LiTTLe Girls.

    All are very natural looking and lightweight, and promise to give some parents just exactly what they have been looking for all along.

    These are transitional hair pieces for the baby girl who has not been blessed with her own growing hair yet, that’s all there is to it.

    Who really wants for their baby to have bows stuck onto their heads? For 2 years?

    And if we had the choice most of us would prefer our baby girls have hair, right?

    Baby Bangs! HAIR+band as well as our entire HAIR+PLUS Mini Hair Accessory Product Line are looking forward to being accepted by the general public as well as the children’s hair accessory marketplace and recognized as innovators who took the chance of bringing into the arena a completely unique, one-of-a-kind hair accessory product line made exclusively for little girls with little hair.

    Our Baby Bangs! allow mothers of baby girls with little or no hair the opportunity to try a unique hair accessory alternative, which will immediately give mothers of those baby girls hair styling abilities which in turn encourages a memorable and very special bonding experience between mother and baby girl.

    Baby Bangs! are quick & easy to apply, they’re completely harmless, lightweight and just as comfortable as wearing a traditional headband or small cap.

    In the near future, Baby Bangs! HAIR+band will launch our complete line of miniature ‘hair+’ accessory pieces.

    These will join Baby Bangs! very soon.

    Attached Photos.

    Sincerely and Best Regards,
    Lisa Campbell/Baby Bangs! .HAIR+band.
    http://www.baby-bangs.com
    http://www.babybangsbabywigs.com

    P.S.
    I truly hate to burst your bubble, but I do believe, or at least I had been informed, that Dora The Explorer has a huge makeover transformation which is to take place very soon.
    Supposedly a more grown up, tweeny kinda Bratz/GLAMOUR makeover! That’s what I’ve been told, anyway.
    Sorry…:(

    • IzzyMom says:

      “And everyone really desires for their children, male and female, to be attractive, who doesn’t?”

      This is where you lose me completely… The idea that a baby is “unattractive” is just so warped and beyond my comprehension. That they would be considered unattractive because they don’t have hair is equally warped. But to think that a wig is going to make them LESS “unattractive” is batshit crazy. Can’t babies just be sweet, chubby, cooing little bundles of cuteness without worrying about their level of “attractiveness”?

      You and I (and my readers) clearly come from very different mindsets and as such, any further debate on the merits of your baby wigs would be futile. As for Dora, thankfully my kids have never had an interest in her and I doubt a “tweeny” Dora will change that. That doesn’t mean people won’t buy it, though. As you must know, there’s no accounting for personal taste…

      That said, thanks so much for your claryfication [sic]. It was most illuminating.

  • avasmommy says:

    Oh my god. Are we really at a point in society where we are judging the “attractiveness” of babies? If my daughter never grew another hair on her rather sparsely haired head, I would still think she is the most beautiful little girl in the world.

    I don’t need hair or hairstyling to bond with my daughter. Cuddles, kisses and playtime pretty much have that covered.

    Oh, and Dora the little girl isn’t getting made over. They are adding a Tween version of her.
    .-= avasmommy’s last blog post…Mothers =-.

  • I think I most disturbed by the random overuse of capital leTTers in the reply. And that there is a tab for the F’HAIR’Y Tale on their site.

    I loved how my little bald girls looked and would never, ever, ever stick a bow to their head or –heaven help me–stick a garter belt over their forehead to make them look “like a girl”. I just don’t get why parents feel the need to stress over gender and appearance that much.
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post…Dear Mo Willems: =-.

  • “And everyone really desires for their children, male and female, to be attractive, who doesn’t?” I’ve really never heard an expectant parent say, ‘It doesn’t matter to me if my baby is a boy or a girl, but it better be attractive!”

    Oy.

    • IzzyMom says:

      Oh man…I seriously laughed out loud when I read that. And it’s so true. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t think their baby wasn’t already the most beautiful thing to ever breath oxygen—all without a wig. Go figure…

  • marty says:

    I’m so glad that got cleared up by Lisa. It’s just heartbreaking to me that I have a little boy and won’t get to experience the “bonding” with my child that a hair accessory provides.

    Shit. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face.

  • Okay… that website can’t possibly be for real, can it?

    I love that it has a tab for “What People are Saying” but the link is dead. Perhaps you could suggest she just link to this post.
    .-= Alexis Ahrens’s last blog post…Lucas Teaches the Law of Attraction =-.

  • amber says:

    Well I followed the baby bang link and I just have to say that is the ugliest shit I have ever seen. Poor baby girl that has to grow up knowing she was the poster child for baby hair extentions! I thought she looked way cuter with her fuzzy head.

  • Andreea says:

    Wigs really make us funkier and cool, she should try some nice long wigs for her child, every girl should have long straight hair! Because kids don’t really have hair and they should look cute!:D

  • hairclips says:

    wow great hair tips,ill have to use one of these ideas

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