Allow me to explain…
Sometime in January, in a very impetuous moment, I decided to do something I’d been thinking about for a while. I closed this blog and put a redirect to another one that I had set up and had not yet had the nerve to do actually BLOG upon. Within? Whatever.
I’d been grappling with my identity, for lack of a better word, as a mommyblogger for a long time. I was beginning to feel limited and penned in and just…more restless than usual.
I was becoming uncomfortable blending all the different parts of me into this one homogenized identity: the mommyblogger. I know some people are not good with compartmentalizing their lives but I am excellent at it and rather like it when my worlds don’t collide. That just makes me feel too…exposed. Toooo…out there. Tooo…holy crap—everyone knows all my shit and all my feelings and what makes me tick and the fact that I have had a handful of mini-mental meltdowns on this blog (due to my inability to take antidepressants like a responsible adult or because I try to randomly go off of them just, you know, on a lark).
I’m not good with feeling exposed. I mean I’m okay with it for a little while, when that urge to “share” is overwhelming but then I get all “Oh my God, I can’t believe I let the whole world into my head like that. Now they know this thing about me and, and, and…”
So, moving along, I decided that having this mommyblog wasn’t a good thing for me anymore. It didn’t “fit” anymore. Did I mention this was an impetuous decision? Have I mentioned that I do shit like that all the time? I get an idea and just throw myself into it without nearly the consideration it deserves?
And I also got this idea that I was going to drop my bloggy nickname and start going by my legal name because you know, when you don’t like feeling exposed, using your real name is a fabulous idea! Or not.
But I did it and in many ways it was very freeing to just be who I am and own what I write and know that at any moment someone I would never want to read my innermost thoughts and feelings could come along and um…read them. Well, that last part is maybe not so freeing but nonetheless, I feel more…something. Better? More real?
In the same breath, I decided I would unleash myself onto the world in a new way—not as a mommyblogger but just as a…blogger—The Caffeinatrix. And she would be a better representation of my non-mommy self and all would be right with my world(s). And that’s what I did.
So I closed IzzyMom, opened The Caffeinatrix and for a while it was good. But then I kind of missed IzzyMom and I missed writing about my kids although I damn sure didn’t want to turn The Caffeinatrix into another mommyblog. So I grappled a bit.
And then people at BlissDom were all “But that’s, like, your brand. You can’t just throw away all the years you spent there” and I realized they were probably right to some extent. So after giving it minimal thought, as per usual, I decided to bring IzzyMom back from the dead. Only thing is? Nobody really knows it. Well, maybe they do because I still have feed readers *waves to feed readers and mouths “thank you”* but they don’t comment all that much so it’s sometimes hard to not feel kind of alone over here. I mean some folks still click over and comment and I’m really grateful for that *waves at commenters* because it makes me feel like I’m not talking to myself. But the old blog ain’t quite what she used to be and I guess that’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
Nonetheless, I’m back and I’m here, plugging away, sort of. And I miss you all!
And there you have it… IzzyMom lives. The Caffeinatrix Lives. I am blogger, hear me yawn :)