You Shouldn’t Taunt Crazy People

Posted by on February 4, 2009

Oh. Mygod. I have to blog about this demented, idiotic woman that I encountered today, if only to be vindicated by the very smart and attractive people of the internet. I’ll try to keep it brief (although it bears repeating that brevity has never been my strong suit.)

Okay, so I’m driving down a neighborhood street and on the opposite side of the street, all these construction worker people have parallel parked their trucks so that lane is effectively blocked. As I get about halfway down the street, this car comes swinging out from behind one of the parked cars down the block and proceeds to come right at me. Not stopping. Just driving right up to my bumper.

Of course, I have stopped because I cannot comprehend the douchebaggery before my eyes. And, well, because I really don’t want to have a head on collision with the douchemobile speeding towards me. So there we are, bumper to bumper and the woman starts honking her horn over and over and gesturing to me that I should back up and I’m stunned that someone would actually have the nerve to demand I move when they are clearly in the wrong.  So naturally my response is something along the lines of “No way! YOU back up!”

The logic behind my thinking is this… They are driving the wrong way in MY lane. I am in my lane, on the RIGHT side of the street and going in the proper direction. THEY are trying to pass parked cars and they are supposed to wait until the opposite lane is free of traffic, just like you would pass on ANY two lane road. Am I right?

So anyway, this crazy b*tch starts yelling and screaming and cussing at me and then she’s all “I have all day! I’m not moving!”  And I lean out the window and I’m like “YOU are in the wrong lane so YOU are supposed to move. Anyone who actually knows how to drive knows that!”

And she proceeds to scream at me “There are parked cars in my lane! Expletive! Expletive Expletive!” And I go “That’s not my problem! You’re not supposed to drive into oncoming traffic, you moron!”  And she blares her horn some more, like 40 times, and yells and screams and flips me off and says she’s going to kick my ass. This is a fifty something year old woman with a handicapped thing on her mirror so, of course, this makes me laugh, which just pisses her off more. Then her male passenger chimes in and starts cussing at me, too. Great. Now it’s crazy times 2.

At this point, there are now cars behind me and I couldn’t move even if I wanted to, which I didn’t. So we sit there having this little standoff and I really just want to get out of my car and do something violent to her because my ice cream is starting to melt and it’s getting close to school dismissal time and I’m starting to feel a bit anxious. I don’t DO anxious.

But now I can’t move in either direction so I finally call the non-emergency police dispatch and a few minutes later a very annoyed cop comes, tells her she has to move because she’s in the wrong lane and tells me I shouldn’t taunt crazy people (I was taunting HER???) because 50% of drivers in Florida are carrying guns.

Oh.  *wondering why I am not part of that 50%*

By then the cars behind me have all backed up and left, so just to cheese her off, I back up and leave down a side street.

HA HA HAAAAA you crazy f*cking wacko! I was right and you were wrong! I was right and you were wrong!

(Leaving for Nashville/BlissDom tomorrow so this will be my last missive until probably Monday. You guys be good and keep the riff raff outta here for me, okay?)


62 Comments

  • Brooke says:

    I probably would’ve hit her. With my fist. In the face. But only because the kids weren’t there to witness it.

  • Trav1sty says:

    It doesn’t surprise me that there are people like this out there. It’s a perfect example of our entitlement issues. I really hope that she saw you backup and leave.

  • You called the cops.

    I love it.

    Desert Songbird’s last blog post..Road Show

  • Kristabella says:

    Whenever I do something like that, or flip off a driver on the South Side of Chicago, I think, seconds later, I could have a cap in my ass.

    If I knew you were going to BlissDom, I would have gone and stalked you. Have fun!

    Kristabella’s last blog post..Oh Acid Reflux, I Would Like To Kick You

  • Chris says:

    50% of drivers in Florida carry guns so what the officer was trying to say is that one of you was obviously packing and since it obviously wasn’t you, seeing that you’re all law abiding and shit, then he must have been questioning your sanity arguing with a lady who was packing and if I remember correctly was going to “kick your ass” (read: shoot you).

    Chris’s last blog post..The Towel I See But Cannot Use

  • ali says:

    um…am i the only person not going to blissdom??
    boo!

    ali’s last blog post..an Ali PSA. #872

  • WaltzInExile says:

    I can’t organize all of the thoughts I’m having into a coherent comment, so I’m resorting to bullet points:

    - How did I not know you live in Florida? Obviously, I’m not paying close enough attention. Hmmm.

    - I had to look up “blissdom” because it sounded heavenly, like a place where you can get mani-pedis for free, with complimentary cocktails while your toes dry, and I wondered why I didn’t get invited. Now that I’ve looked it up, I completely understand why I’m not invited. Am neither blissful, nor domestic. When is CrapAttitude Camp?

    - I think it’s awesome you called the police and then left on a side road anyway. Yeaaa for the non-road-rageous. (Road snark may get you killed by the crazy people but it’s not illegal.)

    - What do you mean, keep the riffraff out? WHO WILL WE TAUNT WHILE YOU’RE GONE, THEN?

    WaltzInExile’s last blog post..Waltz In Exile

  • Amanda says:

    Kick ass!! I’m so glad you stood your ground – I wish I could have been there cheering you on!

  • Jen says:

    and this is exactly why I drive as little as possible – I can’t be trusted to not flip-the-f#ck-out in a situation such as this :)

  • WTF is up with us and having to call the cops? Mall trip? No cops…anywhere else? Hello, 911, what is your emergency.

    Jeeez. Nice going, I’d have totally done the same. You want to dance with the devil, lady?? Do ya? Do ya?

    See you tomorrow, chickadee! In your swank new sweater and your thermal undies.

    Anissa@hope4peyton’s last blog post..This post is really just for me, you don’t even have to bother to read it.

  • heels says:

    That’s so weird, because this morning, there was this crazy lady who wouldn’t move her car and then called the cops on me…

    Just kidding.

    Actually, a giant cement truck blocked one whole lane on a road I was on this morning, and I was shocked at how civil everyone was and how lawfully it was handled. There was observation of right of way! There was YIELDING! Can you imagine? I never thought I’d see it.

  • Sarah says:

    Have fun at Blissdom and may no crazies taunt you!

    Sarah’s last blog post..The Ladyrather Diary

  • Hannah says:

    Arg! I hate dumb and inconsiderate drivers! That must have been so frustrating!

    Hannah’s last blog post..Brightest Blue

  • Jennifer says:

    You are a much braver woman than I.
    Much, much braver.

  • Kim j says:

    I would have done the same darn thing. The nerve of her.

    Reminds me of when I seen a dog chasing a child down the street. The poor child even ran across the street almost getting hit by an oncoming car. I was chasing that dog in my car honking my horn and the child was able to get home safely. Then I saw the dog in the front yard of a house. I honked until someone came outside because i wasn’t sure if the dog would attack me. OMG she (the dog owner) went ballistic on me and said the dog would not have bit that child. I told her how was the child or I suppose to know that and that she needed to keep her dog in the back yard. Well she started telling me off from her front door and I totally went down to her level and called her every name in the book at the same time calling the police.

    I just cannot imagine what she was thinking, that child could have been hurt very badly and she was acting like there was not a problem at all with it. I still want to kick her @ss about it.

  • roo says:

    Yeah. Reminds me of the time I almost got hit by a crazy fifty-something woman as I was getting off the bus.

    I slammed the roof of her car as she passed, and she stopped to scream obscenities at me. When I explained that there are laws against passing a bus on the right, especially at a bus stop where they were letting people off, She stopped, looked confused for a moment, then sped off in gritted-teeth rage. She didn’t even take the right turn she was so anxious to get to that she almost killed me.

    I hate crazy people.

  • Kelley says:

    I love you all the more for this post.

    And biznitch, that word is totally awesome and I am going to use it all the time.

    In fact I just did. Just called the bunneh biznitch and she was all ‘WTF?’

    When you get back from having an amazing time with amazing women that I will never ever meet *sob* you have to tell me how you do that commenting on the comments thing. Cause that is awesome, biznitch.

    (it CAN be a term of endearment can’t it?)

    Kelley’s last blog post..I am pretty sure it is the Marburg virus. Cause it is totally more classy than tacky ol’ Ebola.

  • Mia says:

    LOL. This is hilarious (to read).

    At the time, I’m sure it wasn’t so funny and YOU GO!

    I’m tweeting this just because it made me actually pause my Tivo to concentrate on what you wrote!

    Mia’s last blog post..We Need a Team

  • Kuba says:

    ……kinda reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George is backing up in order to parallel park and the other guy tries to drive nose first into the spot, and they sit there arguing over who has the right to the space until the cops come……
    http://www.streetsblog.org/wp-content/uploads/2007/02_19/parkingspot.jpg

    ya should’ve told her the Jerk Store called……

  • Mr. Mom says:

    Applying logic an reason to a situation with an idiot is usually hopeless.

    Maybe you need a gun carry permit, so that if in a similar situation the idiot decides to do something really stupid, you can defend yourself. There wouldn’t be much satisfaction in being right and dead.

    If evolution worked swiftly maybe there would be less stupid people.

  • Apryl's Antics says:

    Scenario: In Tampa driving on a three-lane, one-way road, me in the left, crazy stupid people in the middle who think it’s perfectly okay to make a left turn from that lane. I hit them. They write me a nasty letter telling me I’m lower than shit because I didn’t visit them in the hospital. I should have floored it. Why wait for evolution?

  • Apryl's Antics says:

    Scenario: In Tampa driving on a three-lane, one-way road, me in the left, crazy stupid people in the middle who think it’s perfectly okay to make a left turn from that lane. I hit them. They write me a nasty letter telling me I’m lower than shit because I didn’t visit them in the hospital. I should have floored it. Why wait for evolution?

  • Apryl's Antics says:

    Scenario: In Tampa driving on a three-lane, one-way road, me in the left, crazy stupid people in the middle who think it’s perfectly okay to make a left turn from that lane. I hit them. They write me a nasty letter telling me I’m lower than shit because I didn’t visit them in the hospital. I should have floored it. Why wait for evolution?

  • Apryl's Antics says:

    Scenario: In Tampa driving on a three-lane, one-way road, me in the left, crazy stupid people in the middle who think it’s perfectly okay to make a left turn from that lane. I hit them. They write me a nasty letter telling me I’m lower than shit because I didn’t visit them in the hospital. I should have floored it. Why wait for evolution?

  • Mirinda says:

    Wow. I would have been arrested. WTG on the self-restraint. What a nut job and I LOVE that the cop pointed out to her she was WRONG! Idiots.

    Mirinda’s last blog post..mirinda’s monologue

  • Stacy Quarty says:

    Hahahahahahahahahaha! Douchemobile? I love it!!

  • I find it interesting that Mr. Mom commented on this post but failed to mention that he once encountered a stupid person in a car who subsequently pulled over, grabbed a gun from his trunk, then proceeded to chase him. After that, I lost my will to f*%$ with people in cars.

  • Lindsey says:

    “HA HA HAAAAA you crazy effing beeyotch! ”

    This is my most favorite part of your post.

    Lindsey’s last blog post..I hate birds, and you should too.

  • Sparrow says:

    Good for you for calling in the 5-0! I was once in downtown Bmore when I saw two guys get out of their cars and proceed to circle each other all “putting up their dukes” style in the middle of the gee-dee street IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. All traffic stopped while these two idiots danced around each other, waiting for the other to take the first punch.

    You know, all those cars stopped behind them and no one honked? In Baltimore?!?

    So, here I am on the sidewalk, pissed as hell that no one is honking or trying to break it up (and to be honest, they are impeding my entry to the J.Crew store), and I hold up my cell and yell at them, “I’m calling the cops, mother*****rs!” They snapped out of it immediately, jumped in their cars, and drove off.

    Still don’t know if I was incredibly brave or incredibly stupid for doing that. :)

    Sparrow’s last blog post..From Bad to Worse

  • mamatulip says:

    This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Douchemobile? That is AWESOME.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    K, so I would probably have been shot, because I would have put my car in park, turned off the engine, gotten out of my car and sat on the curb and then just stared at their license plate like a serial killer.

    SciFi Dad’s last blog post..Assorted

  • leah says:

    driving in florida, any where in florida is always a huge dangerous situation. i’m glad you survived it.

    i do know a person that was almost beaten to death from a road rage experience, and her husband was with her. that’s the worse case scenario of course. i still get pissed at people while driving.

    leah’s last blog post..daily piglet

  • Lisse says:

    Delurking to say that it was just yesterday I was telling a bunch of my co-workers that every time I go to Florida for business I see a major accident.

    The last one was in Boca, when in broad daylight, a delivery van knocked over a picturesque street lamp and crashed into the store front of a florist.

    That would be a bad day at work.

  • Crazy people scare the crap out of me.

  • Miss Britt says:

    Holy shit. This? Is why I love you.

    Wow.

    I’d have backed up, bitching the entire time, about 30 seconds into the stand off.

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..With Bated Breath

  • Kuba says:

    jeez, from your lips (fingers?) to Naptown drivers ears…. ever since this particular blog appeared, I’ve been witness to countless acts of driving “douchebaggery” (my new favorite word… thanks!)…. today, some woman decided that it would be pointless to actually drive all the way around a traffic circle to keep on going up the street, so she cut to the left and went the wrong way thru the circle….. Then, not 1 minute later, I was on a one-way street, when some guy at the top of the street decided to start backing up back towards me…. he kept having to stop to correct his steering….. so I’m coming up on him, very slowly, wondering WHAT the hell his intentions were….. he passes a parking spot….. keeps going…… slowly….. so, I stop, my mouth agape just watching ….. he then keeps backing past 2 trucks…… finally I realize that after passing one open spot, he wants to park in the spot I’m currently sitting next to…….. fortunately, I realized this and managed to start backing up myself before the car behind me came up and put me in the same situation you were in, with no place to go either way….. but what the hell are these people thinking????

  • You are awesome! I would never have the courage to do that even though you were totally right.

    radioactive tori’s last blog post..I Hope You Never Know

  • patois says:

    I want you on my side. Always. Crazy bitch she was. You r tuff!

    patois’s last blog post..Frick! Forgot about the ROFLs

  • I can’t believe you had to call the freaking cops to get her to move her ass. What is WRONG with people?

    mothergoosemouse’s last blog post..Cheap calories and couch potatoes (conclusion)

  • kittenpie says:

    OMG that is crazy. What a stupid cow! But really, that cop is right – people are sriously nuts and they are armed in the States! Scary but true. What is it about cars that brings out the asshole in people, anyhow?

  • Assertagirl says:

    If I didn’t know for certain that my mother wasn’t in Florida that day, I’d have guessed it was her you encountered.

  • Allie says:

    I LOVE your name! I also love this post! Fantastic writing style!

  • Maria says:

    Hey! What part of Florida are you in? I’m over in St. Pete.

    Maria’s last blog post..instant karma

  • Musing says:

    Can I take bad ass lessons from you? :)

  • nicopolitan says:

    You are incredible. Way to put those that think they’re entitled in their rightful place!

    But you know what, there probably isn’t any reasoning with old people that think the world owes them something. So I will take your advice and not taunt crazy people. :)

    nicopolitan’s last blog post..Some Rights Reserved

  • You shouldn’t taunt crazy people ( because they carry guns)??

    That one line sort of explains everything doesn’t it.

  • Crazy people scare me, too! says:

    Q-tips with guns?

    “I’m sorry lady, that wasn’t a slap – I was just high fivin’ your face. Really.” (She probably did have all day – with the depends handy.) Having had a shotgun and a pistol pointed at me in traffic – the cop spoke the truth, however. Some things aren’t worth getting pierced for …. in places you didn’t want holes that are far too big for your average gold stud.

    I came by this thread late – but now I have a new word. Douchebaggery. I love it.

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    I seem to attract them. I need some crazy repellent or something.

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    I live in the city so a lot of streets are narrow and like your situation, most normal people seem to understand how it works when vehicles are parked on the street.—but every now and then…you get someone dumb as a rock who just doesn’t GET IT. Ugh…I get mad just thinking about that damn fool woman!

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    Frankly, I can’t believe I didn’t because I’ve been pretty aggro this week.

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    Me, too, because seriously, none of the asshole construction workers who were partly the cause of the situation would say a word in my defense. I could have used some cheering!

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    Are you calling me crazy? Huh? Huh?

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    Oh, I wish you were going!

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    I’m pretty sure she did…and if the cop hadn’t been right there, I probably would have flipped her off, to boot!

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    Yes, yes! It’s that same kind of reflexive self-righteousness and refusal to accept reality… Fricken nutjob crazyass people need to be shipped off to a desert island or something because the worst punishment you could give them is to stick them with other wackos that are JUST LIKE THEM!

  • Chris says:

    @The Caffeinatrix, Crazy is too harsh a word. Why don’t we call you a Gamechanger? Because it is only a Gamechanger that will face the statistical probability of a gun toting lunatic with such defiance. Bravo I say!

    Chris’s last blog post..The Towel I See But Cannot Use

  • Mr. Mom says:

    @Apryl’s Antics, I think smart people running over stupid people could be a form of evolution.

  • Mr. Mom says:

    @Mayberry Magpie, Now I have a gun too. There wont be running. Besides that guy couldn’t drive his own thumb up his ass, there was no way he was going to get a clean shot at me while driving.

  • Kuba says:

    @Sparrow,

    …. no one honked because people fighting in public is not a strange sight in Baltimore….. it’s been a few years, but I’ve never been to a Ravens game yet where a couple of fights didn’t break out in the stands…… wonder what they were fighting about….. maybe one of the motorists called the other “Hon”…..

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    Thank you :)

  • Allison says:

    @SciFi Dad, Your comment is the best! I could so see myself doing that.

  • The Caffeinatrix says:

    Q-tips…ROFL (I had to think about that for a sec!)

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