The Dissed and Disowned
I just got my annual open invitation to my step-aunt’s house for Thanksgiving
*big sigh*
This is always a downer for me because I know I won’t be going. And then I think about how long it’s been since I’ve seen everyone. And I think about all the people who have never met my son and probably never will. It just bums me out because I’d actually really love to go. But I can’t because SHE will be there — “she” being my sister.
My sister and I haven’t spoken in four years; since my father’s memorial service. I know. It’s SUCH a cliché. Family member dies and surviving family members have a falling out and never speak again. Thing is…it wasn’t over an inheritance or who got Dad’s favorite fishing pole or whatever.
It was over something as ridiculous an an imaginary slight; something that didn’t even happen. My husband was ready to beat someone’s ass because of how my sister and her husband treated me over this nonsense, on the night before our dad’s memorial service, and I apologized for something I didn’t even do to keep the peace.
But I guess that wasn’t enough.
When we left to go home, I foolishly thought that everything was okay. I thought my apology had appeased her and her idiot husband and that we could just move past that awful weekend. I even fought with my own husband, who by then officially despised both of them, about inviting them as I did every year, to my daughter’s birthday party. She never responded. Never RSVP’d. The day of my daughter’s party a birthday card arrived with a note inside, to a child that wasn’t old enough to read, saying they were sorry they wouldn’t be able to come.
She couldn’t be bothered to let me know me via phone, email, text, instant message or any other means and say that they wouldn’t be able to come? Seriously?
I made no attempts after that to contact her. That was in August of 2004. At Christmas she sent my daughter a $50 check which I quietly ripped up and threw away. I really resented that she thought she could still have contact with my child while treating me like I had the plague. We were a package deal — my daughter, my husband and myself. Take all of us. Or none of us.
The following spring, she sent my daughter a souvenir t-shirt from Europe. I put it up in the closet and forgot all about it, still pissed that she thought she could be a part of my child’s life while totally shunning me.
To be honest, I don’t miss her that much. For someone only five feet tall, a full nine inches shorter than myself, she was always kind of scary to me. Perhaps it’s because she’s ten years older and was always very bossy, critical and scathingly judgmental. In any case, her absence in my life has actually allowed me to exhale and relax a little. I no longer had to worry about what tactless, hurtful thing she would say to me or have to choke back a biting response for the sake of family harmony.
And my God, she’s always had the most enormous chip on her shoulder. It involved numerous gripes and perceived injustices — blended family issues, being adopted issues, feeling like my dad liked his “new” family better issues… It was always something and she spent her life keeping score.
But to be fair, she had good qualities, too. She was very generous with money and material things, if that could be considered a “good” quality. I think because of her extreme emotional constipation, it was her way of showing love. She also had a strange sort of charisma — that she reserved for other people. I rarely got to enjoy that side of her.
The really messed up part is how nobody in the family (step-family) will acknowledge this falling out between us. Everyone knows but they all tiptoe around it, which is so typical — they always pretend unpleasant things don’t really exist. But if you make any reference to it at all, even just to say that you don’t want to attend some event because she and her idiot husband might be there, they all start making noises about how they don’t want to get involved and it REALLY pisses me off. I have NEVER asked anyone to GET INVOLVED. Apparently merely expecting those people to acknowledge reality is one really tall effing order.
I know she would NEVER refrain from attending something because I might be there. She’s just that kind of in-your-face obnoxious. So…I opt out instead. I just can’t stomach the idea of being around her — the tension, the visceral anxiety I would feel — it’s just not worth it. I honestly dread the day someone in the “family” dies because I know there won’t be any avoiding her. And how befitting that the last time I saw her was when someone died. Gah.
I can’t decide if I’m doing my children a disservice or not. They’re not related to any of the people that would be at this Thanksgiving thing any more than I am. I actually have no other family if you don’t count my assload of step-relatives. Do they count? Should they? It seems now that my Dad is gone, so many of those ties have frayed. He truly was the glue that held us all together.
So, we’ll either spend Thanksgiving with my mother-in-law, here in town, or she’ll leave to go to one of my husband’s sibling’s homes around the state. Of course, we’ll be invited and of course, we probably won’t go.
My husband, who comes from an awesome family, just doesn’t know how good he has it. He doesn’t make any extraneous efforts to maintain a close relationship with his siblings. I mean he loves them and all, but he doesn’t realize how lucky he his and doesn’t cherish what he has.
I feel like my kids are the ones who are getting cheated. They deserve to have a circle of aunts, uncles and cousins that they actually know and love. So…I think I’m going to push for some kind of extended family Thanksgiving this year.
Just not with MY family…
“I just can’t stomach the idea of being around her — the tension, the visceral anxiety I would feel — it’s just not worth it.”
This is one of the reasons I haven’t spoken to my mother for almost 10 years. Almost daily I wonder if this will affect my children negatively.
What I do know is the old adage: Happy Mom = Happy Kids. Among other things, I don’t like who I am when my mother is around and I don’t want my children to see me like that. My life is immeasurably more relaxed and enjoyable without her in it, so I have to believe that, by extension, so too is my children’s experience.
I am familiar with your situation. For the past ten years my sister and I have been on and off, sometimes going as long as 10 months without speaking. It is eerie how much like your sister my sister is.
I have not spoken to my half sister in three years.
I dont feel that you are cheating your child out of anything. Would you want her to be around somneone who could pollute young minds?
I think you are doing the right thing. At some point, your child will ask you though, what happened. Be prepared for that.
I can relate to this on some level. I have a sister with whom I have an on-again-off-again relationship. Currently it’s on again after two years of “off.” It seems to come “on” when she has major things happen in her life. When things settle back down, she clicks it back “off.” Whatever. I don’t close her out; she shuts me out.
My kids don’t know her very well, which is a bit sad for them, especially since my sister and BIL are my daughter’s godparents, but the choice is, and always has been, up to my sister whether or not we communicate. I always leave the door open.
I’m glad you have an open door with your husband’s relatives. I’m very close with my hubby’s family, so it’s nice to know I have another place to feel family.
We’ve discussed this before. I have the same kind of family and yes, it TOTALLY sucks. Like you, I’m the appeaser and the person who always gets the shaft. My sister, only 6 years older than I, is VERY bipolar and a complete nutcase. She’s mean, really really mean. The last time I saw her, 15 years ago, she pulled some serious shit over some supposed slight that nobody but NOBODY heard but her (the voices in her head???) and I had to have her tossed out of my house by the police. What was she upset about? That my then 1-yr old twin’s nap would be disturbed if we loaded them into the car in the middle of the day to take her to see the Swan Boats downtown. I mean, the woman is clueless.
I’m happy she’s not in my life. It’s WAY too much drama for me, especially with my bipolar mother who I also haven’t seen or spoken to since 1980, or my clinically depressed and angry brother whom I also haven’t seen since 1980. They’re all just too much for me to bear.
But that doesn’t mean that every thanksgiving I don’t feel totally depressed and alone because everyone else has family and I don’t. I throw myself a pity party several times a year because I feel so left out, but then again, I know that my entire family hates each other so nobody is sitting around the turkey and saying what they are thankful for. Ozzie and Harriet we are not.
I feel so bad for you. I wish it was a situation where you could show up before her and get to introduce your son to the family he has never met and become the center of attention at the family gathering. Then when she showed up she would have to either be civil or make an a*s out of herself in front of the entire family.
I hope you end up enjoying the holiday, whatever you chose to do.
Well that totally sucks. Sounds like you may need some extended family time too. With people you actually like.
I could go into my own family disfunction, but it won’t help you and won’t make you feel any better about having a step-douchesister.
I’m just sorry that you’re hurting because of it…that you feel family-less because of her attitude. Do you think that her gifts are an attempt to bridge the gap between you two? That she just doesn’t know another way to apologize, as crappy as her method is? Just asking. Don’t throw things at me.
Spend time with your in-laws, it sounds like they’re awesome and they’re your family too, you know.
My Mom has written off her stepmother, stepsister and stepbrother. It all has to do with a series of perceived slights and misunderstandings collected after the death of her father. As opposed to being more peaceful as a result, she’s actually painfully bitter. Painfully.
She doesn’t know this, but I am in contact with all of them. I see them at holidays, email and call regularly, exchange presents, and even….. send my aunt and grandma flowers for Mother’s Day.
It’s sad that my mother (who sounds much like your sister) can’t talk it out, work it out, express her feelings and her misgivings and get resolution that would allow her to keep what family she has left on her side. But it is what it is.
My Aunt, Uncle and Grandma are wonderful to me, and always have been. I got their side of the stories, and it’s all just a big misunderstanding and as you so eloquently put it, a case of my mother keeping some kind of effed up score on who’s done what for who.
My sister is still drinking the kool-aid my Mom mixes up for her, and she speaks with the same scorn and bitterness about these people as Mom does. Which breaks my heart, because they love her. I have cards, pictures and even gifts from them that they’ve asked me to save for her for when she’s ready to understand. If that day ever comes.
They do put me in a an awkward position, though, because we always have to talk about how crazy my Mom is, and I get the feeling sometimes that I’m regarded with some suspicion due to my genetics.
How does any of this relate to you? I guess what I’m saying is that my Mom decided to write them out of her life. I decided not to. She spends a lot of time being bitter and lonely and sad. I spend a lot of time putting up with some stupid emotional baggage that really isn’t mine. It’s a trade off, and you have to decide.
No one really has that Norman Rockwell deal. Your hubby’s great family is probably great because they aren’t all that close. Or because they’ve learned to love the family members despite their crazy.
I think your kids will be in the best situation when you’re comfortable and confident in your decision, and you can explain it without misgivings.
I’ll be your sister if you want. I think you’re pretty cool. ;)
Wishing you peace and a solution to this awful family situation. There is never the right or wrong; each side feels pain and sorrow. No one in the end is happy.
I’ll light a candle and pray you are able to move forward and somehow each be able to enjoy the rest of your family.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
I hat ethat this is obviously hurting you. But I have to say, this is the sort of thing that pisses me off, so I would get sick of walking around on eggshells around her and just go. Why shoudl you be driven off your own family by her? If she feels a need to bring it up, take the high road and tll her that after four years, it might be time for her to let it go. She’ll look petty, and you will look like the bigger (not just taller) sister.
Can I just let you know that I totally understand?! I have an almost exact relationship with my mother’s side of the family. I feel for ya!!
I so hear you. I have 6 siblings, and 4 years ago, 3 of them made accusations that were horrible and not true. So now our family is completely divided in half, and who knows how it will come back together?? We don’t spend holidays together either. It makes me so sad.
Thanks for yet another honest, heartfelt post.
She is bossy and was always a bitch to me, too. I’ll be back to add more later…
We can’t pick the family we are born into but they’re all we have…I had a falling out with a family member because she decided to judge my children and me unfairly. However, sometimes I think I should be the bigger person and reconnect the bonds that were broken, but the hurt is still fresh.
I just don’t know…
Okay, let me play devil’s advocate for a second. I know it’s uncomfortable, terrible, and all of that. But from a justice perspective, what is being a part of the REST of your family worth to you?
Your sister acts like a complete douche, and she WINS. She get to have what you deserve. She gets to be in that moment that your child deserves. She WINS.
I agree that it would completely suck– I have actually been here. But I think doing the hard thing might be worth it in the end, if the ends are worth the means it’s going to take to get there.
You are totally missing out, all because someone is a jackass. But who is being punished right now for her jackassery? You and your family. It’s unfair, no doubt. Do you want it to stay this way, or are you willing to stomach some ick to fight the good fight? And is the outcome worth it?
I don’t know the answers to that. But I just thought I might ask the questions. I definitely wish you the best of luck, and my thoughts are with you.
Izzy, I have so been there. Whenever something comes up for our family, and my younger sister and I need to deal with our toxic older sister, my husband lovingly reminds me “Don’t let the Terrorist win.”
No matter what you end up doing, choose based more on how you can move towards the positive stuff that matters most to you, and do your best to push away/avoid being reminded of the pain that she causes for you and your family.
I can definitely relate to how you are feeling about not having a nice big family around for your children- and having a complete disconnect from a sibling. Years of pent up hurt and frustration tend to come out after losing someone who holds you together! I might suggest reaching out to FRIENDS for the holidays if you can’t find comfort in family. Family does not have to be defined as “related” in my opinion. And also, I agree that sometimes you have to suck it up and go- because kids have a way of drawing you together. Are there “step cousins” there for your kids to bond with?
Yo! You can come here for Thanksgiving if ya want! More later….
I have to agree with @15, the other Dawn. Makes no sense that you lose because of her actions.
I say make the trip to your aunt’s place, but plan on staying at the big festivities for only a few hours, maybe one. Plan other activities around that hour so that if things go poorly, hey, you’re here only an hour and you can see as many people in that hour as you want. If things go well, those other plans? Hey, they can be postponed, while you continue to be with those you love.
Take a chance. Surely the other people at the holiday are worth it?
I think only you can decide if seeing the rest of the family is a good enough trade off for having to see her.
None of my late-husband’s “full” or half brothers have seen their step-mother since their father’s memorial service five years ago. He died 2 days before my husband died. Hub’s half-sister is in contact with her, probably because “Nana” forked over some bucks when half-sis’s son couldn’t afford the beach wedding he had his heart set on. Step-mom met the dad when she and half-sis were in college together. Yeah, eww.
My daughters and I are still close to late DH’s older brother and his family but have only seen “Nana” twice in the last five years. She made my terminally ill husband cry and asked us to leave “her” home at a family gathering because my 2 year old wanted a slice of cheese before official lunch time. She repeatedly told people at hubby’s funeral that he wanted to be cremated (he changed his mind) and somehow made his funeral all about her instead of me and my 3 & 5 year old daughters.
Despite all the crap, I was actually feeling guilty for not making an effort to visit her. Last summer, I asked the girls if they wanted to go see “Nana”. When my 10 year old casualy shrugged her shoulders and my 8 year old said “Who?”, I realized I was right: it’s not worth having to listen to her point out yet again how much more “lucky” I am that my husband had life insurance and her daughter’s late-husband didn’t.
I have been through something similar, and I think that one of the real sticking points with me in my situation was that it just wasn’t that this person deeply hurt my feelings; it was that that hurtful behavior made me really distrust the person from then on because you trust your close friends/family not to hurt you, and when they hurt you, they kind of betray that trust, don’t they?
Sure, I could say to this person, “I accept your apology.” But our relationship has never been the same since the “incident” because once bitten, twice shy. I guess what I am trying to relate is that I think that it’s really difficult to patch up broken relationships, and I feel for you, Izzy.
I have a similar family situation, and I have disincluded the problem person from my life and I feel that my children are better for it. The only thing that happens when that person is mentioned is my stress level shoots up and I take it out on everyone else whether I mean to or not. I agree with the Happy Mom=Happy Kids. One day they may ask, but it probably won’t happen until they are old enough to understand the situation.
I hear ya. I wrote off my aunt after my grandmother died, because of how she and her son treated my mother. Aunt acted the martyr when she was the one who stole money and gave away all of grandma’s things before we could get there. STILL BITTER. She will never meet my son and I’m perfectly okay with that. Plenty of other family (on dad’s side) to replace her. I wish you had the same.
Wow, are we related? lol. My mom and her brother in law had a fight AT my grandfathers funeral. Mom punched him in the stomach, feet away from the coffin.
My dad’s side is no longer speaking (the sibs got into an argument after their mom passed).
Sometimes people just bring you down mentally. If you feel like you don’t want to communicate, and that keeps you sane, then you are doing the right thing for you.
My personality is that when I’ve had enough shit from someone, I will just write them off. Wash my hands, I’m done. I refuse to let people cause me stress over stupid crap.
I would, however, let your daughter accept any cash, gifts from her. Just because you do not want to speak to her, you don’t want to force your daughter not to. Besides, that money can go into a college fund or something. OR, better yet, just let your daughter blow it on gum or something! lol.
You’re getting a lot of good advice here and I know you’ll do what works for you.
I never had much contact with my mom’s side of the family. Mostly, I’m told, it’s because my dad didn’t like her side much. I can’t say I missed out on a whole lot, but I don’t know.
On the other hand, I had a terrific relationship with my grandparents on my dad’s side. They lived close to us my entire young childhood.
I guess, overall, I don’t feel cheated.
But, enough about me.
I think your kids will be happiest around the adults who make you happy. If you miss the connection you have with the other people in your family and would truly enjoy being around them, then you should be angry at her for denying you that pleasure. It’s not fair that she gets it and you don’t. And, one more thing, your step-aunt might like you there instead, too. (Your sister just ain’t that fun and her husband’s no walk in the park, either. Please tell me why “bitter sausage party” keeps popping into my head! I. Can’t. Make. It. Stop.)
About the $ she sends for birthdays and holidays, I agree with you. If she can’t have a relationship with you and maintain a position in your life, why should she get to skip the “middleman” and establish a relationship with your kids.
Just one thing about me again: my husband’s aunt hates me because of the post office and other things, which are actually my husband’s fault. Long story. Anyway, she sent the kids money last Xmas and I made my husband call and thank her. I refuse to talk to her, but since he still does I make the allowance with the kids. It’s a little different.
So, ALL that said, I hope you find the courage to do what YOU want to do. (not yelling, just don’t know how to do italics for emphasis) and f#&% the rest of it.
I totally know this is a tough one. If there were no kids involved, it probably wouldn’t be as big a deal. I’m kind of on board with @15 other dawn. I’ve had to attend family functions and even friend gatherings were I would be around someone else who had been a total bitch to me. I suck it up and pretend that whatever she said is the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard. Not because I’m a pansy, but because I want to take the high road. The rest of the group tends to rally around me (probably in relief that they don’t have to deal) and the ‘offender’ never seems to make a move against me. I don’t know if I’m just so worried that she’ll backstab me in my absence that I make myself go to not give her the chance, or what. But I go, and I am usually happy I did. Also, I get to stay close to some really cool people.
Only you know the people you’re missing out on because of her. Only you can decide the right move. Whatever you decide, we’ll back you up! Besides, you’re way too cool to let her push you around!!
I guess what it comes down to is… you’re a parent. And as parents we have to SHOW our kids how to be the best possible people we can be in the world. Maybe if you look at the situation in that way, then you’ll know what to do. No answers here - that is tricky and difficult on so many levels. But what do you want to teach them?
Sigh. These things suck don’t they? I had a falling out with my mother at 14 and she stuck to it for 7 years. She hung up on me diligently on ever christmas, birthday, easter..
Now that she’s back in my life, she throws money at me constantly. I think for the same reason as your sister - to compensate for the emotional constipation. It takes a LONG time to be ok with it, but I promise you that will come.
Hi Izzy,
I’m a little late to respond here, but I guess American Thanksgiving is a little ways off yet! My mother is estranged from her brothers and sister, and although she speaks with her mother now on occasion, my brother and I do not have a relationship with any of our maternal extended family members. We do see our paternal family once in awhile, but not very often. This is due more to the fact we’re all adults now with families of our own, but when we were a bit younger it was kind of hard. I do miss having that kind of extended family, and special occasions tend to bring that out especially. Sometimes I wish my mom had made the effort on our behalf and other times it really makes no difference at all to me…if you have the ability to create some sort of extended family environment for your kids, whether those people are blood relatives or simply good, kind friends with whom you feel like family doesn’t matter. Feeling like you’re part of a tribe, of sorts, can go a long, long way.
I’m sorry things are so crappy with your sister, but I’ve always been a big believer that just because you share DNA with someone, doesn’t make that person instantly “family” if they don’t behave like it. You deserve better.
Hugs.