To Cheer or Not to Cheer? (Edited to Add)
EDITED TO ADD:
Because I have been so misunderstood in this post and on this topic, let me clarify that I am not trying to keep my daughter from growing into “who she’s going to be” or anything of the sort. To the contrary…I want her to have as many wide and varied opportunities as possible.
But she’s seven years old. Do I not get a say in how she grows up? Should I support her no matter WHAT she wants to do, no matter how much it goes against the values we intended to raise her with?
If she wants to grow up to be a hooker, should I support that, too, simply in the interest of not squelching her burgeoning personhood? That’s what I’m hearing and it doesn’t quite hold up under the hooker analogy.
I’m all for any number of things that she wants to do and if, when she’s older, she still wants to cheer, after a mature discussion of the pros and cons, then she can do it if she wants. But while she’s seven, I’d prefer to do the decision making. My larger concern was alienating her from her friends but everyone is so taken with the cheerleading thing, most didn’t even notice that part of the post — which speaks volumes.
The missed point of this whole thing is not even about cheerleading. It’s about parenting, values, the decisions we are faced with and how our children’s happiness or lack thereof can influence us in ways we never imagined before having kids.
Incidentally, sign-ups are still going on but TQ has already started fixating on summer camp and her birthday in August. I asked her the other day if she was still interested in cheering in the fall and you know what she said?
“I’d rather play soccer or maybe take art enrichment after school”
She came to that on her own, with no input from me at all, and I cannot tell a lie — I’m kind of happy about it.
—————-
It’s that time of year again when signs start poking out of the grass all over my part of town. Yes, it’s time for cheerleading and football sign-ups. Girls get to cheer and boys get to play football and moms and dads watch eagerly from the sidelines as their daughters and sons set out on a path that should, God willing, secure them a better place in the social hierarchy of their school careers as one of the elite or at the very least, not one of the hopelessly uncool kids they might become otherwise.
Naturally, because all her friends have been cheering for the past few years, TQ has expressed an interest in joining. But I’ve conveniently “forgotten” about cheerleading sign ups the past two years because, quite frankly, I’m just not sure about it.
I mean, of course, there is a part of me that’s like “YES! Be a cheerleader and you’ll never be picked last for teams in middle school gym class or not be invited to the cool parties or be picked on by bullies” and believe me, I fully realize how utterly pathetic that is but you know, as a parent, you always want your kids to grow up as unscathed as possible.
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple because the other part of me is saying:
“NO WAY! I refuse to let my daughter get sucked into this elitist glorification of completely outdated gender roles where a girl is valued not for her brains or talents but rather her ability to jump up and down like a trained monkey while looking cute in a short skirt. She should be PLAYING a sport, not cheering while a bunch of jocks play the sport!”
I know that’s an extreme view of cheering (a bit exaggerated for effect) and I’m sure it will piss off a few of you but I offer no excuses. That’s my perception of it. And yes, I know it’s hard work. Of course it is. But this isn’t exactly competition level cheerleading. It is, literally, jumping up and down while looking cute in a short skirt. (When TQ was three, she was invited to be a mascot and we observed for a while before we declined.)
Equally vexing to me is the time commitment — two hours, two evenings a week for practice (6-8pm) and every Saturday morning they have a game. They’re barely second graders yet!
But then again, do I want to be responsible for what will eventually be a chasm between her and her oldest friends? Would it be better to just go with the flow and be like every other mom and let her do it? Even though it feels wrong to lead her into something I feel is limiting, in spite of it’s obvious positive social advantages? In spite of the fact that it’s not representative of our values?
It must seem silly of me to devote so much time to thinking about this but remember — she was asked to me a mascot at age three. It’s been up for debate for five years and the time commitment has always been the biggest obstacle until I started seeing what the first graders who cheer are like. Now it’s definitely a values issue. Additionally, my husband, independent of me, has also voiced his own concerns.
I know this is probably the time in which I need to stand firm because this is just the beginning of these types of dilemmas where my values and her happiness will be diametrically opposed but I have to say, I can now see why parents sometimes make decisions that, to the rest of us, seem so utterly nonsensical or counterintuitive to everything they appear to believe in…
We just want our kids to be happy and that’s the hardest part sometimes.
She’s in second grade and her friends have been cheering for TWO YEARS already?
OMG.
(Sorry, that pop and rushing sound was an aneurysm exploding in my head.)
Okay, as a former cheerleader (who was also president of the French Club, a member of the Math team, an AP student and a volleyball player) I feel the need to chime in here: Letting your daughter sign up for cheerleading like she has asked to do because it is something all her little girlfriends do, is not reinforcing gender stereotypes: It’s listening to your daughter. For all you know, she’ll hate it. It’s not all jumping around in a cute skirt looking adorable; it’s hard work. And honestly, other than looking cute in a short skirt, the hard work is actually not very satisfying. YOU aren’t winning the game, no matter how well you did your toe-touch on 3rd and 8. If your daughter participates in other activities, she will likely decide after a couple of years that it IS way cooler to be cheered for than to do the cheering. So let her sign up for cheerleading. Just make sure she’s signed up for swim team or basketball, too.
I suppose it might be a time issue, but can she do cheerleading AND basketball or something?
I totally get where your apprehension comes from. Cheerleading isn’t what I’d pick as the #1 extra-curricular activity for my daughter either.
But…
I don’t see much harm in letting her try it out, especially if it doubles as a social thing for her. For all you know, she could love the time she spends with her friends, but loathe the cheering aspect. The point is, you won’t know for certain unless you try, right?
My vote is to give it a shot and see how she feels about it.
Oh, that’s a conundrum. I agree with SciFi Dad I think. But why, oh why, is there cheering in second grade. Isn’t that when they’re supposed to be playing with their Groovy Girls and reading Ramona the Brave?
At the risk of being burned at the stake in your comments section, for the LOVE OF GOD, DON’T.
My niece got into cheering in elementary school. She’ll be starting high school in the fall.
My sil shells out thousands of dollars on school cheer, rec cheer, outfits, etc. They wear stage makeup for competitions. Her middle schooler has to have a curly ponytail and road-whore makeup for those shows, and for a lot of the games.
My niece is popular, which means that she *has* to have designer clothes and a coach bag and glamour shots and cutting-edge everything. It isn’t a matter of helping her fit in now, it’s a matter of survival. She’s on the A-list, so she maintains that status or loses all of her friends. Now she’s headed into high school with the expectation that whatever she wants/needs for social reasons, she’s entitled too.
That is tough. There is something to be said about being part of a team and the discipline of sticking to and learning a sport.
I tried cheerleading, and did not really like it and did not try again the next year. It took trying it to realize my friends still liked me even when I was not a cheerleader.
Cheerleading is hard on the knees, hips, and ankles, similar to gymnastics. I did gymnastics when I was in grade school for 4 years and now I am 32 and feeling the effects in my right hip and knee.
The time commitment seems like a lot for that age. That alone would make me hesitant.
Good luck and go with your gut.
I’m assuming this is PopWarner football and cheer, right? It’s harmless, relatively cheap and not that much of a time suck. If you’re afraid she’ll be forever stuck in the “cheerleader” stereotype, then you should stop worrying. Your own attitude toward it will influence her in the coming years. If she’s destined for cheerleader-dom then there’s probably nothing you can do to dissuade her but, as a former PopWarner cheerleader who never took it any further, your kids aren’t likely to push the issue if you’re dead-set against it in the coming years. Let her have her taste and hang with her best friends. Their relationships are so fragile at this age that any difference can break them up. I’d be focusing on that aspect of it.
Let her do the cheerleading. Its good to try different things growing up. If all her friends are doing it, she will probably enjoy it even more. When you see her cheerleading and video tape it you will have memories you will never forget. Let her try it, she will be more well rounded in life with the more things she tries.
Let her try out and see if she will be committed to it. I’ve gone through all of these things with my children and I just let them do it until they realize that it’s hard work. At the same time, you still have to watch and make sure that she doesn’t overwhelm herself from too much after-school activities.
Good Luck!
I let my kindergartener try out the AAYA cheer program last fall. I chose it opposed to the other organization in my area because it was less expensive, uniforms weren’t mandatory, you didn’t pay for weeks you didn’t go, and it only met once a week. They do have a competition at the end, but it isn’t mandatory, and we chose not to participate in it because it was more money than we were willing to spend on a competition with kids at that age and that level. Sweet-P enjoyed it and so did we, and we will probably do it again this year.
I called about that other organization this spring and they meet four days a week for two and a half hours, PLUS games on Saturdays. I can’t expect my 6yo to commit that kind of time and energy to cheerleading, and to be honest, I feel it’s not fair to do that for her and not do it four our other three children, and there just isn’t enough time in the week for everyone to have that much time invested in activities! So, we’re back to AAYA. Here’s the website: http://www.allamericanyouth.org/cheer.htm
I say let her try it out. I started when I was in 1st or 2nd grade. Stopped a few years later to play soccer, softball, run track. Then went back to it in middle school and thru high school. I was good at it and I also had fun. I believe it helped expand my social skills and build confidence. I had friends in many different social circles but my closest were those who did not cheer. It was time consuming but no more so than any of the other sports I participated in. I still managed to maintain grades in advanced & college prep classes. Went on to get a degree in aerospace engineering. So, can’t be all bad, right?
Cheerleading in the second grade? Man, the world has changed since I was a kid. Personally I’d put my foot down because I’m too scattered to make that kind of commitment (I’m just being truthful). But if B loved it and couldn’t live without it, I’d probably find a way to keep myself from eye-rolling to the extreme (and perhaps leave little pro-fem pamphlets in her book bag).
Oh I am SOOOO with you, Izzy. I HATE cheerleading, even though I’m sure I am being close-minded about it. But personally, I had so much fun playing actual sports, that I’d just hate it if my daughter wanted to cheer instead.
I actually think the time commitment is extreme for a second grader, maybe you could make that your excuse and offer to sign her up for something that takes less time–is there a soccer league or softball or gymnastics or something that is just once a week?
It’s a tough one, and I don’t envy your position. (and I hope hope hope I am never in it!)
It’s so 1950’s isn’t it! The boys go to battle and the girls cheer them on from the sidelines, while looking cute, of course. I think it’s a terrible message to reinforce. Maybe she’ll try it and decide it’s not for her, but what if she tries it and loves it? I wonder if you can get her to reject it and to think the rejection is her idea. Hummm, you need some sort of subliminal message that will play while she’s sleeping.
second grade?
dude, im so glad i only have to deal with hip hop and play practice…because cheerleading? at 7? would kill me!
I have to say that when I was younger I did the YMCA cheerleading starting out. My mom was a super mom and took care of 3 kids while taking me to dance (which I competed in 8-14yrs old) and cheerleading. My two brothers played soccer and football. Needless to say she worked overtime to pay for all of our activities. I didn’t know it then, but I do now. Not only do I appreciate her more now knowing she worked so hard to make me who I am today, but cheerleading helped me with a lot. I started competitive cheerleading in 8th-12th grade and was on ESPN for all of those years. Cheerleading taught me about time management skills, because there was no time to waste in my life. It taught me about dedication, pushing myself to the limits and making the right decisions. By high school I was running track and cheering. I also graduated in the top 7% of my class out of about 1500 students in the senior class. Not only that, but I tutored 2 grades above my math level in high school. I have to thank my coach for a lot of that. He made us have study time while one team was practicing and vise versa. I will say, that I think I had 2 friends on the cheerleading team and the rest were outside of cheer. I was not raised to act and do some of the things the other cheerleaders did so I decided not to run with that crowd. Any who, after high school I got a full scholarship to one of the top business schools in the country and was on the dance team (which practiced 5 times/wk for 4 hours each day plus 2 hours on game days). I was a resident advisor my soph. year and worked 2 full time jobs my jr and sr year. I achieved the resident advisor position and my scholarship to the Darla Moore school of business (USC-Columbia, SC) because I proved to them I could handle doing the work and having fun as well as supporting my school. Believe me, the feeling that you get when everyone is cheering you on as you walk on the field and thousands of people are yelling for you…. IT IS A RUSH. Maybe not in middle/high school, but people look up to you as a cheerleader. They look up to you more when you’re not the “cheerleading stereotype.”
It is such a tough call because… well, of all the reasons you said.
I think if it were Claudia (and I’m sure it will be soon enough) I’d let her and I would just try to encourage her to also think about playing women’s sports.
Maybe all those crazy practices will bore her out of wanting to cheer.
I have a boy, so no good advice here! Whatever you decide, just don’t second guess yourself.
Well generally at that age I changed my mind a lot. I think its worth a try and then you can gage how much she really likes it. As long as you’re not a pushy stage mum I’m sure she’ll form her own opinions about it!
If you let her cheer, then maybe she’ll see the pointlessness of it and decide she’d like to do a different sport or activity. But of you don’t let her, she may feel like she missed out on the best thing ever, even if she would have hated it had she tried it. It’s better to find out for yourself that you don’t like something, rather than hear it from others.
Oy I feel ya, I do. Love me or hate me but I think the exact same things.
Every year I watch another friend succumb to the pressure for her daughter to start cheer and I watch these little sweeties go through the first of many trials.
They get it—they KNOW it’s important.
Some mom verbalized all that stuff about being The Cool Girl and it’s been passed along. Plus, let’s be honest, nobody needs to tell you. You can look at cheerleaders and know they are cool. They look good, look and act confident, are energetic and get attention.
So the girls get it. And they get that all the other girls are doing it too. So my friends succumb.
I watch the girls who are very good, the ones with half a chance, and the ones who are hopeless—and they know where they fall. I watch the ones who just don’t have it struggle. They try and try because they want to be That Girl too. ACK to the heart.
I haven’t seen any laid back just having fun ones. Maybe that’s it.
I am in the Cheerleader Central of the US.
I just can’t take it—my heart can’t.
But how can I say no.
Oy.
Can you tell I’m facing the same dilemma?
I guess we’ll try if she wants.
But this is why we aren’t doing swim team, too.
I actually remember attending a cheerleading camp in second grade and thinking, “I’m bored. This is dumb. Why can’t I be out on the field?”
I quit after a day, then committed myself to 13 years of competitive water-skiing. Which, as you can imagine, is about as useful as curling (yet even more obscure, and not even an Olympic sport).
That said, I vote for girls in sports. Any sport. Team sports. Individual sports. Obscure sports. When they’re young, they’ll shape their future fitness. (I’ve heard that while you’re still growing, you can actually add new muscle cells; when you’re older, you can only make those cells bigger.) When they’re older, it keeps them focused, out of trouble, occupied during hours of the day when boredom gets dangerous.
Devil’s advocate/full disclosure: When I was in high school I was kinda sorta part of the cheerleading squad, not as a cheerleader but as a mascot. (Not the kind in the puffy suits; i had a guy partner and we dressed like indians and acted laughably serious while doing stunts and lifts.) It was fun, but the tryout process was fraught with high school politics, drama, and all the profoundly stupid nastiness that you hear about in cheerleading tryouts. Inane, but very stressful.
Bottom line: I learned how to handle pressure from both experiences. If my (hypothetical) daughter chose cheerleading, my heart would sink. But I’d support her. And then I’d push wakeboarding as a nice complement. :-)
I see you survived the camping trip. :)
Most of the little girls who start cheering at a young age probably don’t go on to be competitive cheerleaders in middle/high school. I think it’s just another activity to let her try. A couple others said this too, but I agree that it’s important to get her involved in other activities too, like soccer, basketball, swimming, etc.
That’s a tough one. I would probably let her try it, but stress you are going to try it for one season and see how it goes. She may hate it, she may love it, but you’re giving her a chance. If it’s possible, though, i’d try to get her into something else, too, and stress the fun of the other thing!
Second grade?! Two hours, twice a week?! I’d also be worried about the physical demands on her young body and potential for injury.
It’s a very expensive sport to get into. My daughter done pee wee cheerleading. It cost me $200…$100 for the cheer outfit and another $100 for the warm-ups. We had fundraisers to help with the cost, but not many wanted to buy certificates to Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I don’t blame them. Who would wanna drive to pick up ya own doughnuts? So, we wound up paying most of it out of pocket. Being that the weather was pretty reasonable this year, they only wore the $100 warm-ups once. And out of the 3 years she cheered, they never wore the previous year’s outfits. They bought different ones each year.
Once she started middle school, she wanted to try out again. With the price tag of $500, it was just a lil too much in my opinion. The coaches told the parents at the meeting that we were getting off cheap compared to the high school squad. They were having to shell out $1,000.
With the ball games being played on week nights, I’d rather her worry about her homework than being too tired to study because of a late night from a ball game.
Wow, that’s young. I too didn’t realize they started that young.
I would go along with it and try to convince her to join something else.
My approach is not the most popular and some people often look at me like I’m a fucking freak when I say something like this so…. but, you know it might work for you so I’ll share anyway. I’m kind of fond of the three-headed looks these days anyway. ;-)
I am not opposed to cheerleading (though I prefer Pom Pons since it’s what I did as a kid - and yes, it is hard second in the sports category only to wrestling to be honest) but when I run into something like this with our oldest who is 6, will be 7 in August and is in the first grade right now I explain to her what’s up. I tell her why I’m opposed. I explain to her that sometimes what everyone is doing isn’t as important as our values (all in terms she can understand of course) and then I leave it up to her. Given the opportunity she is amazingly capable of making decisions like these. Recently a friend invited her to a Wednesday kids night at her church, much to my in-law’s dismay we’re not Christian. I explained to her what would happen there (they’d read bible verses, probably play games that had a bible theme, color or do crafts with a bible theme, etc) I told her if she felt strong enough to go and stand up for what she believes but be respectful at the same time while she was there she could go. We talked about it for quite a while and she decided at that point that she wanted to go - she could handle it. And that was fine with me. Fast forward a few days and she came back to me all on her own and said she’d changed her mind. She didn’t think it was something she wanted to do. When I asked her why she said that she could play with her friend another time, when they could do something they both liked. I was impressed. And she was happy because I hadn’t told her she couldn’t go. It was all in her power. Her decision.
I say give her a chance. Explain to her that somethings aren’t so positive for girls and that while you know cheerleading wouldn’t change what’s inside of her and you’d love her no matter what some people might perceive cheerleading differently and you want her to be prepared for that and understand how the way it’s run could have that effect. And then leave it up to her. If she chooses to sign up, let her, just be active in talking to her about what they’re doing and all the possible perceptions of that during the season. She’ll learn something about herself, other girls, and society as a whole no matter what happens - and you don’t have to be the bad guy. ;-)
I think your last line sums it up. Our kids aren’t always going to do what we think they ought to do.
My niece wanted to be a cheerleader ever since she was a baby - no joke. Due to unforeseen forces we never put her in cheer leading and now she is in 5th grade and has been playing the chello all year. I don’t want to weigh in on which is better, but I am happy that she has found an outlet, whether it turned out to be cheer leading or not. Maybe if you wait a couple of more years she will choose something at school.
The toughest thing about “stereotyped” things like this, is that people continue on insisting that they are sterotyped things.
In colleges (and even in High Schools) there are male cheerleaders. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cheering on somebody else.
I could understand you apprehension (somewhat) if she was choosing this over going to science camp or something. But just because she chooses to be a cheerleader for a year or two, is NOT going to scar her for life or reinforce her “gender role” any more than you are by pointing out the gender roles to her.
Like any group activity there are also positives involved that you have at best overlooked, and in some cases mocked. “Coordinated jumping” includes timing and teamwork and effort. Being part of a team means responsibility to others. Commitments for times, places and others who rely on you to be there at certain times regardless of whether or not you “feel like it” that particular day because others are depending on you as a member of the team.
Not to mention, it is work and exercise… even if it isn’t “competition level” and that is of course beneficial as well.
Yes, there are plenty of benefits to allow her (not make her, allow her, since it is her interest) to be a cheerleader. You just have to get over your own bias and insecurities. (And this is not a knock on you directly we ALL have them on one thing or another).
@ Jay Monster
My insecurities? Are you kidding me?
As noted, it’s a values thing…
I don’t want my daughter becoming the like the girls in her class who cheer. They’re seven years old and talk about “who’s dating who?” and “going out” with boys and fold up their shirts so their bellies show — and these are not some white trash kids from the wrong side of the tracks, either. They’re girls from prominent, well-to-do families.
I didn’t express these things because it would have made a long post even longer but the fact is…most of the girls in cheerleading are growing up way too fast and have mothers (many of which I know) who are not even remotely suitable role models for MY kid (or theirs).
My other criticisms still stand but these are some the underlying reasons for my disdain of cheerleading in THIS city which, in my not at all humble opinion, have nothing to do with insecurities or bias and everything to do with being a parent.
If you feel that strongly that the girls who cheer are brats and the whole “cheer scene” is just not what you want your 7 year-old exposed to, then stand your ground.
Yes, it’s exercise, yes it’s more of an actual sport now than it was two decades ago - but it’s still based on the notion of pretty little things cheering for the macho boys - period. It’s not even about girls cheering on boys - it is exactly about pretty and thin and popular girls cheering for macho and masculine boys. Because fat girls don’t become cheerleaders, and nerds don’t play football (as a rule). And while these elements may not be at the forefront at this age, it’s exactly what these kids are being groomed for.
Sign her up for swim team.
I understand your feelings about what to do with big decisions with our kids. I think it ultimately comes down to our intuition. I read this hilarious and very poinent novel, “The Book of Mom” by Taylor Wilshire. The book is about a mom who loses her sense of self and passion for life and how she gets it back with her humor, self help ideas and marriage counseling. One neat thing she talks about is mother’s intuition–mommies know best and goes on to explain that when we give birth to our children cells of our children shed into our bodies and stay with us for life–in other words there is scientific proof of mom’s intuition becuase of the cellular connection we have with them. What do you think of mother’s intuition?
It sounds like you already have your mind made up, but to throw another 2 cents in…..
I was a cheerleader in school. I also ran track, played soccer, and played softball. As far as stereotypes go….I was not popular…just average. I didn’t have (or desire) all of the trendy clothes. I had friends that I liked both cheerleaders and not …mostly not….and did my own thing.
I can see your point on the gender roles it seems to reinforce, but honestly, feminism is about women having the freedom to choose what they want to be. Cheerleading is just as valid a choice as soccer. If you encourage your daughter to try new things, eventually, she’ll find the thing that is right for her. It may or may not be what you would choose for her. I seriously doubt that trying pop warner cheerleading is going to set the course for her life. It sounds like she really just wants to do it because her friends are doing it, and it sounds like fun.
The girls you mentioned and the way their moms allow them to behave….have nothing to do with cheerleading and more to do with bad parenting. You will find that everywhere. I see it in my daughter’s tae kwon do studio, at church, the park…everywhere.
I am by no means a cheerleading advocate…..in fact, I hope my daughter never wants to go that route, but if she did, I would support her in her interests……counting on the fact that her morals and character, reinforced at home, would keep her moving forward and growing as a person. If you continue to raise your daughter to be strong, independent, intelligent, and confident with who she is, (which I know you are) cheerleading won’t do anything to change that.
@ Mel
I don’t disagree that feminism is about the ability of women to make their own choices.
However…my daughter is not a woman.
When she IS a young woman, I hope she will invoke that right to it’s fullest capacity but while she’s still a child, I have to make the decisions I think are in her long-term best interest.
Of course I have and always will reinforce our values and the importance of character but from my own experiences, I know better than to underestimate the power of peers and the power of the group’s hive mind…
Oh, God, I dread the day when I might have to think about this kind of thing (my girls are 2 and 4). I promised my girls when they were born that I would be okay with it if they were totally different than I was. I think I even specifically said “like, if you get into cheerleading, or if you become a republican.” That’s easy to say to a newborn! Now I don’t know! But it’s true: if you deny them the chance they’ll just want it more. I say, let her do it a couple seasons, but be very neutral in your support. Continue to take her on interesting non-cheerleading-related-adventures, and talk a lot about how it’s okay to change interests over time. If she remains a cheerleader, quadruple your efforts to make sure she knows not to follow poor choices, to stay true to her real personality, etc.
Good luck!
I’m glad she ended up changing her mind! I dread these conversations with my little one someday, although since she’s inherited my horrific coordination and flexibility it may not be an issue.