I can’t stand this anymore
I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. Before I took a 14 hour siesta yesterday morning (I have terrible cold) I felt fine but today I’m so down. All of a sudden I’ve come to realize that my son’s life at almost 3 is vastly different than my daughter’s was. With her, we were out and about doing something fun almost every day, going to playgroups and activities and we had a close group of friends with daughters the same age.
With P, we don’t have that at all and every time I think about it, it makes me feel like crying. It seems like all my old friends have gone back to work, are busy homeschooling during the day, have their older toddlers in preschool or have some other regular personal commitment to which they must attend.
I’ve tried in earnest to make new friends who have kids P’s age but it’s just not come together so except for the two days he goes to Mothers Morning Out for three hours, he spends all his time with me. I take him to the park, the library etc. and to run errands with me but he’s becoming really social now and it’s just not enough. I feel like I’m totally failing him. And myself. I never used to feel like this.
Where are all the SAHM’s? Where are all the two and three year olds? Why are people so cold and standoffish around here? Why do they look at someone who is friendly like they’re weird? Why do people schedule every free second of time their kids have? Even my daughter’s friends are nearly impossible to pin down for a playdate these days. When did trying to have fun get so bloody complicated?
Summer will be here soon and then it gets even harder. My daughter will go to day camp everyday for six weeks where my husband works and she loves every minute of it but for my son and I, the rest of the world is on vacation or their kids are signed up for a frillion different activities or some other impediment. Whatever happened to kids just playing? Why does everything have to be something you have to pay for?
You see, in addition to his job, my husband had a contract with a nearby university but because of this shitty economy, they were not able to renew his contract so we’re down $10,000 this year. Suddenly, we can’t afford lessons, classes and memberships to Busch Gardens, the Aquarium and all the museums. That extra $800 a month made a huge difference in our standard of living.
The guilt and the boredom are eating me alive. I can’t stand it anymore.
(And please don’t, for the love of all that is good and decent, suggest I join a MOMS Club chapter. Been there. Done that. Was actually president of a chapter once upon a time. I could never be my real self with any of those women.)
Edited to add: God. I sound like such a crybaby.
Cheer up, Izzy mom. Been there, done that, and I promise it will get better. Go hang out at McDonald’s play place or at a park and talk to any other mom that will listen. They are out there- moms who want to make friends, who are also lonely SAHMs looking for playmates for their kids, and for themselves.
Look up your local organization of MOPS, moms of preschoolers. For a small joining fee of about 25-, you can participate in all kinds of events with your son, and you can meet new moms.
Take it from someone who was once isolated and lonely, and is now overwhelmed by so many people that I have to call back, make plans with;etc. this too shall pass.
P.S. I totally agree with you about kids and free time. Overscheduling ruins a childhood in my opinion.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I think Trinity should be outside playing in the sand box or drawing chalk pictures on the sidewalk instead of dance, voice lessons, swim lessons, violin lessons, etc, etc. We found some free programs through our local library, our local YMCA & our local community education program. This gives Trinity a chance to be social and interact with other children her age on an occasional basis without breaking our bank account. Good luck.
Oh, Izzy, you sound so down today. I usually just lurk (I don’t comment much since I quit blogging) but I felt like you might need a little boost today. I wish I lived next door, I’d come hang out with you. I like the suggestion of the Y–ours has swimming lessons for $25, maybe you could find something similar. Hope the sun shines a little brighter for you tomorrow . . .
This is the first time I’ve seen you down. When I am feeling the way you are feeling, I usually go for a run or I would take one of the kids to the park and we play sports.
Oh and I don’t sign my kids up for anything. I just take them to a forest preserve and let them run like wild dogs and when they get tired we go home and they nap and I read.
The main thing is that I try to get out of the house. I am sorry if this didn’t help.
You know, for the first time since having my son in January, I decided to stroll him around the neighborhood yesterday because it was finally nice out, and when I spotted another mom pushing a stroller and following behind her son who was riding a tricycle? I practically ran to catch up to them. Another mom! With a kid! In my neighborhood! At 11am on a Monday! (Oh, and hey she has the same stroller, so we could be BFF!)
She was nice, but I could tell that she didn’t want to connect with me and was just being polite in making small talk when I did come up behind them on the sidewalk. Maybe because our kids aren’t the same age she didn’t feel like chatting. I don’t know. Maybe my enthusiasm at seeing another mom out and about freaked her out. It sucked. I feel your pain, Izzy. It’s hard to connect in real life with other moms, even when they live just down the block. I hope you and P are able to find some good folks to hang out with.
Ohhhh, you live in Tampa Bay, too? Sweet! I will totally invite you to our next moms&kids gathering up here near Weeki Wachee if you want! We don’t really do much of anything but meet at the park or someone’s house-maybe the beach now and then-and watch the kids play while we laugh and talk. Sisterhood is good for the soul, and a happy mommy is good for the kids!
I don’t sign my kids up for a lot. It makes me feel like a loser, but I don’t have wads of cash, time or patience for it. They get one sport (And different times of the year) and music lessons. One fun activity in the summer.
I think that as people get older, they are less and less open to new people, new friends and it sucks. To be perfectly honest, it is one of the reasons why I don’t want to move from where I am. Breaking into new social circles is hard.
However? I have met a few local bloggity people that I REALLY love. You are such a loved blogger, is there no one who reads you in your area with kiddies the same age? Or just someone to be YOUR friend so you feel less lonely? (Longest comment EVER)
You don’t sound like a crybaby. You sound like a sahm - we’ve all been there, I think. I’ve found the library and the kiddie pool to be great meeting places.
Oh Izzymom I feel for you. I have to admit that being disconnected is one of my biggest fears about being a mom.
Not sure what it is about people losing their friendmaking skills as they get older. I love making new friends!
I hope that someone locally comes to your rescue.
Hang in there. xoxo
Just today I realized that the preschoolish program Thomas is in is nearly over. I handed my number to one mom and asked her to call me if she wanted to get together for our son’s birthday parties - at this age, they don’t have friends. I plan on asking a few more. Maybe you could trade numbers with the moms you do like at MMO? I dunno, there are only so many trips to the library I can stand. Summer is going to be tough here with me working from home - I hope the grandparents can take them a bit.
Cheer up Iz. Bring them here for a visit!
I’m with you, although our reasons are different. I had finally gotten in with some mom’s when my oldest was about a year old, but then we moved, I just haven’t gotten into any groups since then, because we kept moving. Now with preschool and a newborn, it’s just so hard to connect with other moms. It sucks butt, and I’m starving for attention. THen to make it worse, when you do meet another mom, it’s like dating - how open can you be, will I scare her off with my neediness, oh, crap, is that poo on my shirt?
I don’t have any answers, but I can commisserate!
Shaking my head in sympathy. I’m struggling with the same thing on the playdate side.
I don’t think you sound like a crybaby. I have the same issue with my daughter. The only other child she is really around is my nephew - who is 3 weeks younger than her. We don’t see him that often. It’s just hard finding the time and the people to hang out with. The local moms group usually does things that require paying, and seeing how we are broke that doesn’t happen for us.
Life is too damn complicated now.
Hold out for serendipity, is what I say. I think with anything, the more you stalk it, the less likely it is to happen authentically. But if you just sit on a park bench and share an ice cream cone with P, big grins on your faces, totally content, then odds are someone will notice and want to be having as much fun as you are. :-) That’s my 2 cents.
You are so not a crybaby. I never thought that the whole time I read this.
I was really nodding my head while I read this, actually. We love Rosie’s preschool, but I’ve found the other parents to be quite standoffish (some even outright unfriendly) so we don’t have bonds with other families like we did before. With Mimi she’s made a couple of good friends in kindergarten, but none like her best friend from day care — who we don’t get to see nearly enough due to crazy schedules.
More than once a week I wish I could live near and spend more time with some of my blog friends that have kids around the same age. But at least we have this space to share stories and vent.
Oh, I’m so there with you. Plus? Where I live, the weather sucks all winter and we get total cabin fever. My kids are 5 and 8, and we’ve lived here for 7 years, and I pretty much only have one good friend here, who I haven’t actually managed to get together with in 2 months. I have the other school moms that I am only now getting to know - in 2nd grade - but nobody I have really clicked with. Lots of perfectly pleasant women, just no one else who blogs, knits, listens to alternative music, and votes Democrat, you know?
I went through exactly the same thing when my son was that age and I moved to a new town. I didn’t know anyone. I hung out at the park a lot and eventually made some new friends. It will get easier when he gets older and starts school.
Wow, that’s almost my story, verbatim. I ended up finding a GREAT part-time job where I am actually doing something important and that I like and I put my kids in daycare, part-time. It’s just enough to help them with their social skills and just enough for me to pay for it. Right now I literally only make enough for daycare, but I believe it’s been worth every cent. A year and a half ago, my daughter was as shy as they come. She was afraid of other kids (to the point where going to the park was painful) and I am not into joining MOM’s groups! Now, she talks to ALL the kids at the park and even tells them which slides to use… She’s is a social butterfly. No matter how many activities I did with her, I could not have given her the confidence she has gained from being around her peers everyday.
Good luck, Izzy. It will get better.
Oh babe. I understand your pain. And like you I don’t understand why people have to schedule their toddlers activities like that! When my kids were little we would wake up and decide what the day would bring by our mood or the weather or whatnot. It was wonderful.
And my girls are very social and normal and all of the things that ‘they’ say your kids won’t be if you don’t do all the extra activities.
Don’t sweat it babe. Just the fact that you care about this means that he will be fine. Just fine.
I am sorry.
I am the prez of my MOMS Club and I would go crazy without it.
But, like you I believe in playing and lots of freetime.
When I get down that everyone else seems too busy, I just enjoy the down time, becuase usually it changes eventually. Good luck.
I’m with you. I’ve been there. New town. Two toddlers. Moms Club just wasn’t a fit. The days get so long. I swear my kids were tired of me. I finally met that one friend that makes all the difference. One thing I did in the interim - I visited all the coop toddler schools in our area during their spring enrollment kind of sort of pretending I was looking to enroll the kids. I got to go to the classes with my kids, meet the teachers and moms. It was fun.
Hang in there. It will pass. And, no, you don’t sound like a crybaby. I enjoyed stopping by your blog.
I’m with you. I’ve been feeling like a shut-in lately. It’s the same thing…me and the kids. It’s kind of lonely.
No cry baby here methinks. I get frustrated b/c the things to do in our neighbourhood are in such high demand (for B’s age group) that we never get in. I was just looking at pics of her a year ago and we were doing gym, swimming, music, and circle time four days a week. Now we have one class 30 mins long that sucks but we go b/c she needs to socialize. But because I’m an apt. mom not a McMansion mom I get shunned a lot at the playground. Which of course trickles down to B. I try to wedge us into playground stuff but it just doesn’t work most of the time. She’s bored, I’m sad and jebesuz h hockeystick what the heck are we supposed to do. Oh gawd, my comment just turned into a rant - sorry ’bout that. Just letting you know you aren’t alone or a crybaby.
I’m so sorry. I know how rotten that particular place feels - been there myself. I’ll not give advice just say, hang in there - I hope it will get easier. Keep looking for other moms. They have to be there somewhere!
Wishing you good luck…
Just sending love and sympathy. And virtual Kleenex if you need it.
This summer you can have “Camp Mom” with your son. We’ve done that in our house - instead of shelling out for a week of summer camp, it’s less expensive and more rewarding when we have “Camp Dad” or “Mom”. We take our kids to museums, minor league baseball game, picnic hike, etc. The greatest gift we can give our kids are memories and this will be great for him and you.
When I asked my three-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas he said, “Mommy can you get me some friends?” My heart sank. What amazes me is that your story is not at all unique and although there are so many of us playing the same tune, moms everywhere seem unable to connect. I don’t get it either, and I’m so glad you shared this. I have the same crybaby moment, often.
You know what? I spent my whole year at home with just pumpkinpie because I didn’t know how to join in the mom groups or the nanny groups and everyone seemed closed. luckily, I’m happy enough as a loner, but then, pumpkinpie was only a babe, so I didn’t ahve to worry so much about her. These days, she has friends at daycare, and even when we go to the park, she usually finds some of them there. Would you be able to swing a couple of part-time days of daycare for him? I’ve met other parents through the friends she has made, too, and it’s been a real boon.
You have singlehandedly reminded all of us why we need these communities we’ve built online. And while you are looking for OFFline conceptualizations of what it’s like to be a real woman / real mom - you still get support here.
Know this: the very reasons we’ve carved this place for ourselves here is because we didn’t fit in with those MOMS Clubs in the first place.
First, you are not failing your son! He has no idea that he is ‘lacking’ in the social department, and he has years and years to make his own friends.
Second, he is probably learning so much being with you, and I truly believe that, given the choice, a three year old would rather be with his mom or dad than anyone else.
But, I’m with you on the “where have the moms gone” phenomenon. Walk around our neighborhood on a beautiful spring day and you’ll be lucky to see one other mom and child. I haven’t clicked with so many other mothers that I was feeling like a total social outcast too (ex-MOMS Club VP here too). It is a lonely place for us moms, but I think our boys are just fine.
My only suggestions are to try new playgrounds & new libraries to break up the monotony. Some stores even have free drop in craft/story hours and I’ve even been known to stop by a local construction site to give my kids a (cheap) thrill.
You are not either a crybaby. Those moments of doubt, and times that limit choices, are two huge factors in any life. Especially when it’s touching the life of someone else we love. So that’s done.
Now - I think Fairly Odd is on to something. Field trips. (unless the gas gets too expensive for that, too - sigh). I was going to elaborate but as I read her comment she’s really covered it. Except, maybe, for the firehouse, police station, pet store, and serendipity.
Lots of moms around here use the library events all summer. I know FL is full of nature that you don’t have to pay for, too. I also know that you know all this - but I’m kind of writing to say “these things ARE adventures and enrichment” so stop beating yourself up. And finally, I’m all with Mocha Kelly — thank heavens for our home online and all our sisters.
Oh, God. I can feel your frustration through the monitor. You know as well as anyone this, too, will pass, but right now it’s right now, and it’s okay to mourn the loss of your old life a little. Totally okay.
I must be the prez of the Bad Mother Club. My youngest is now four and I find myself turning down playdates for him at pre-school. I’m kinda over the moms-go-too playdates, which probably makes me sound like a huge bitch, but with him and the older two, well, shite: in a lot of ways I am busier but lonelier than ever. Which is why I started writing (to be lonely with everyone else?).
But I know this: I am seriously, wickedly opposed to over-scheduling. And while I regret that this might seem self-serving, I do think you and many of the chatters here might like what I ranted about in my “Momifesto” post about what I rather awkwardly called “professional mothers.”
So hang tough.
OH and PS: do you live in my town? Because it is the same thing here. Everywhere I bet.
If it makes you feel any better, I don’t have M signed up for anything. We do maybe one playdate every week or two and that’s it. He goes to daycare three days a week, which I feel a bit guilty about. We do the park by ourselves a lot of the time. I often wish, though, that there were more mothers around. More mothers with their kids to do stuff with. And like you said, what happened to just playing? Why do we have to do all these special classes? It’s expensive and stressful.
I feel so bad for you. My daughter in Eden, New York tells me its the same for her. And she really has no friends, they live in the country and she is feeling isolated with Noah. He will start full time school next year.
It’s hard as you want the best for your kids and your convinced your company is not enough. However, the time you give will be remembered and cherished by your son. And if anything he’ll have a hard time going to school because he loved being and not having to share mom. It’ll be a wonderful time in his life. So enjoy it..
Hugs..Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
grammology.com
I feel your pain!! I thought it was just me but this time of year always makes me blue. For mot it does the opposite I am sure. I also know that summer is quickly approaching and then I have both kids ALL day. Sending happy thoughts your way!!