My Parenting Book Deal Should Be Coming Any Day Now

Posted by on April 14, 2008

I was woken up this morning with a tampon being waved in my face, unwrapped and thankfully, unused. I guess my son took a detour to the bathroom before coming to wake me up and demand “chocktick mook.” Can you decipher that? It’s chocolate milk. Yes, I’ve become one of those moms who gives their kid chocolate milk (Shut up! It’s Ovaltine. It has vitamins) instead of white milk because that’s all their preshus darling will drink. Seriously though, I just got tired of finding half drunk milk sippies all over the house and decided that a little chocolate milk never hurt anyone and that’s how we roll now. And I NEVER find half drunk milk sippies anymore. Am brilliant.

I’m also using Skittles to bribe my son to use the potty. I’m sure many of you are thinking that if I were more devoted and less lazy, I wouldn’t have to resort to sugary sugar-coated sugar nuggets and perhaps there’s some truth to that but honestly, I’ve been through potty training before and bribery often works just as well as following your child around all day asking them if they have to go. But alas, my confidence in the superiority of bribery is flagging lately because that method is not working quite as I’d intended.

See, he has been taking himself to the potty for months now (he’ll be three in June) which is great, right? There’s just one small glitch. He’ll only use the potty if he already has no pants on (not an unusual occurrence) The fact is, he just won’t take his pants down to go potty, opting instead to take the path of least resistance and go in his pull-up. I assume this is primarily attributable to laziness. He is, after all, my son. And honestly, who hasn’t wished at least once to be able to just pee into a nice absorbent diaper for the sake of convenience?

What? Is that weird?

So anyone who has an opinion, which is everyone, says I should just put him in underwear and pants and not use pull-ups anymore since he clearly knows when he has to go and is capable of taking himself to the bathroom without any assistance from me. And I’m all WHAT? Are you crazy? Do you realize how many pair of pants and underwear we’ve gone through already with that approach? And his sneakers? Peed upon right along with the sofas and the carpets. Were it not for Stanley Steemer, my house would smell like a freaking nursing home and if you’ve ever been to one, you KNOW what I’m talking about.

It seems we’ve reached an impasse. I can just let him go everywhere without pants on, which is tempting, or I can keep him in pull-ups until he’s like ten which is even more tempting except that those suckers are pricey and I’d rather spend that money on myself something more practical than character-festooned disposable underwear to pee and poop in, which, when put like that, actually sound downright absurd.

I’ve got to get him out of those things. Le sigh.


49 Comments

  • Velma says:

    As someone whose son wasn’t out of pull-ups until his 4th birthday, I got nothin’ but sympathy.

    Velma’s last blog post..Woo Hoo!

  • I was totally all “I won’t give my kids candy for using the tiolet because I’m gonna give her an eating disorder” so I gave her little foam stickers instead. Which she promptly put in her mouth. And which were tainted with Chinese lead.

    I would have been better off giving her crank, I think.

  • Plastic cups, dude. Plastic cups.

  • ali says:

    isabella pretty much only drinks chocolate milk. instead of any other kind of eating or drinking.

    love love love the new design!

  • Christina says:

    You know I won’t be giving you any criticism, since my three and a half year old won’t give up her diapers. Cordy actually tells me, “No mommy, I want a diaper! I don’t want to be a big girl!”

    And you’ve now given me the idea of Skittles. Hey, I’ll do anything to get her out of diapers.

    Christina’s last blog post..Haiku Friday: A Surreal Experience

  • Diana says:

    Oh how I feel your pain. Let me just say, that all of those with the opinion might be right (worked with my oldest) or they might be wrong (enter stage right: my youngest) she is almost three and a half now and we played the whole put her in panties cause she knows when she needs to go game. I gave up. It had nothing to do with knowing how and when to go, it had to do with wanting to go and that my friend you cannot force. If he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to. He’ll not want to in underwear and pull ups just the same. My youngest is getting better. But nothing has worked with her, no bribes, no threats (you can’t go to school and make friends if you wet your pants!), no pleading has worked. She’s finally decided, in her own time, that she just might want to potty train. I say let it run it’s course. And I hope for sanity’s sake that course is run for the both of us soon.

  • FishyGirl says:

    My older son just Did. Not. Want. To. Go. Ever. Until one day, he woke up when he was about 3.5 and I had despaired of him ever learning to use the damn toilet, and said “I’m going to use the potty now.” And he did. And never had an accident. Never.

    My oldest, my 8 year old DD? STILL has accidents.

    So I didn’t try to train my now 4 year old. She trained herself, at around 3. And she only has “accidents” when she INTENDS to have them, little sh….sweetie. So I plan to just wait out the baby.

    Think it’ll work?

  • Tracy says:

    My son is all about strawberry milk right now. It seemed innocent enough when it was one of those Horizon boxes in the grocery… now we’re on to unhealthier powders.

    And same deal over here as far as potty training goes – he is naked all the time (he’ll be 3 in May) and will pee in the toilet thusly, but can’t get the whole pull-ups/underwear concept at all. I say ignore the advice… they’ll be ready soon enough. We seem to make the most progress when the stress is lower.

  • ashley says:

    Ummmm… Yeah… We had to get a new couch because my darling son peed all over ours while in the midst of potty training. Good times. Good luck with that…

  • Kerri says:

    My son calles milk “Bock”….so chocolate milk (his favorite, of course) has become “chicken bock”–its too cute, and hard to say no to!

  • Gina says:

    I used ice cream with one and M&Ms with another. Only one of my kids was so gung-ho to get out of diapers that she practically trained herself. The other two clung to the Pull-Ups like they were a lifeline. Elastic-waist pants and Y-fronts might help. Have Daddy give him some quality one-on-one “man” time and see if he takes to it. Also, shooting Cheerios might make it more fun than pissing on the sofa. (and it teaches the boys not to aim at the wall) Good luck!

  • dana says:

    Izzy, I never thought I would say this, but the underwear route was the way to go for us.

    I used that method with Dawson. I started the potty training in December (just a few months after he turned 3), devoted three entire days to watching him like a hawk (a major sacrifice for me) and we only had four “mom, I peed on the floor/pooped in my pants” accidents before he got it.

    Now he’s going to the potty every time, unless we’re in the car and he absolutely can’t hold it (the only time I have pull-ups on him is in the car, while shopping and at bed time).

    Sending good luck your way. Hopefully the best method for you both will come to you.

  • Maria says:

    Milk from the tap at our house = no nasty milk cups. Of course, my son is a freak of nature and drinks water like other kids drink juice.

    No potty training comments here. We’re not that far, and I don’t want to jinx myself any more than I just did with the water/juice comment.

    I’d buy your book. Good luck with the milk…and the potty training.

  • Aviva says:

    Izzy – What a great, honest, to the point, hold nothing back post. Lay it out there girl! No guilt, all glory – I love it! SInce you already said everyone has an opinion, here is mine. My girls won’t touch white milk – they find it completely disgusting, they are however, chocolate milk snobs – preferring the home delivered to any other. My son, who I raised the same way, will drink either white or chocolate, depending on his mood, the tides, and whatever else drives a 7 year old boy. As for potty training… they are all different. If bribery worked on one, it may or may not work on the next. I, personally, wouldn’t spend the money on pull ups, much prefer to spend it on myself! First daughter, no problem. Second daughter, drove me insane until the day SHE decided SHE was ready (no exageration). My third sounds a lot like yours. When I made it clear to him that he obviously knew when he had to go and if he wanted to go in his pants, he could clean himself up, he miraculously was done! Good luck on what ever you decide works best for you!!!

  • Suebob says:

    Good gosh, Izzy, you’re still making me laugh 2 years later.

  • We have pink milk in this house. Because Lola from Charlie and Lola, has it, obviously.

    At least it’s not soda, I tell myself…all the calcium etcetc.

  • Elizabeth says:

    Izzy, I could have written this entire post. I had to give Nathan Ovaltine so he would actually drink his milk, and I used Hershey’s kisses as a potty training reward for Ryan. Kaitlyn? Will only pee in the potty if she is “nakey”. Need a co-author for that parenting book? lol

  • jaelithe says:

    Hey, my kid is underweight. He NEEDS those extra sugar calories in the chocolate I put in his milk.

    (At least, that’s what I tell myself. Hehe.)

    You know, my son was a bit stubborn about potty training at first, and our family doctor told us that boys are usually harder to train than girls, and that the average age for boys to finish training in the U.S. is three and a half. Average. Meaning that some boys are training at two, and some at four, and that’s all within the normal range, and perfectly fine.

    My son did eventually finish training a couple of months before three and a half.

    One thing that helped was: I discovered Gerber makes this GREAT underwear for toddlers and preschoolers. It’s made of cloth like regular underwear, and it goes on and off like regular underwear, but it has a layer of extra padding in the important regions that’s capable of absorbing minor accidents, like a cloth diaper would. So that kids feel wet when they have an accident, but the hardwood floors are spared. I found it at Babies R Us in my area.

  • I let my son drink diet coke from his bottle. Whe he needs to go potty, he takes off all his clothes so that they won’t get soiled. Oh, yeah he likes his little tush to be washed after a #2, toilet paper or wipes just won’t do.

  • Kyla says:

    I think kids get there on their own. He won’t be 10 and in pull-ups. Hopefully.

    KayTar is 3 and then some, and we aren’t anywhere near hopping on the Potty Train, so you’re ahead of us, at least. ;)

  • motherofbun says:

    First off? I would SO buy a book about parenting if you wrote it. Totally would be lining up at Borders!

    Also, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your new design. How pretty!

    Oh and also, we do the chocky milk here too for pretty much the same reason as you.

  • motherbumper says:

    First: chocolate milk saved my life – I mean – helped Bumper put on weight and get her precious milk.

    Second: I’m stuck on leaving her in the “run around naked” routine – which is fine 70% of the time, but otherwise I’m (ick) cleaning up messes. Send help here when you find some, ‘k?

  • MommyWizdom says:

    OMG, that was funny! My daughter was the same. Would not pull her own pants down. But when they were off, she would go potty, np.

    Two things worked (and this is of course provided you want advice): 1) When we moved her to her big girl bedroom (due to baby #2) and she decided that now she was a big girl (she was 3!)

    and 2) daycare (which, won’t work for you). Seeing other kids her age that were already potty trained AND having someone else enforcing the whole potty thing. It was one of those things she wasn’t gonna take MY word for but would take someone else’s, go figure!

    It’s funny; she started using the potty at around the same time that I had given up all hope and had stopped harassing her. Coincidence? Hmn…

    Good luck, Izzy.
    BTW, I love your new page look!

  • Aprylsantics says:

    Both of my kids were “magically” ready when school started. For my daughter it was preschool, age 3, and for my son it was pre-K, age 4. Were they lazy? No. It was definitely me. Ultimately, though, I believe it was my resistance to pressure from my mother-in-law, who apparently potty trained my husband and his brother in utero.

  • Jam says:

    boys are easy – open the back door – the whole back yard is their toilet

  • Vicky says:

    This post made me laugh so hard! Thank you! We are in this too right now and I’m so done. I am loathing the potty training. To quote you, “Le Sigh”.

    P.S. It was great to finally meet you at J&J!!!!

  • Beth says:

    Ugh! Potty training! My guy was doing so well and now he’s deliberately peeing on the floor…and then he laughs at me.
    I might try the Skittles. Nothing else seems to be working. I hate potty training!

  • AmyV says:

    LOL! Rafael finally decided he was ready to be fully and completely potty trained sometime around 3 1/2. We were giving him Matchbox/Hot Wheels car bribes when he pooped on the toilet, which I informed him would stop by the time he turned 4 (hey, they were 99 cents at the supermarket and haven’t been recalled for lead poisoning yet!). For the two weeks before he turned 4, I swear he was pushing out more poops than ever to get all the presents he could before the deadline hit him.

    And my sister only drank chocolate milk and apple juice for, pretty much, ever and she’s just fine.

  • It seemed as though potty training went quickly, but it was the regression and years of wet pants every other day that drove me batty! It takes time, phases, blah. Hang in there.

  • First off, love the new look Izzy!

    Secondly, we drink lots of chocolate milk round these parts. Mostly because regular milk makes me gag.

    Uk.

    And thirdly, my son was the same as yours with the pants thing, so I just kept him in pull ups until he was finally ready to pull down the pants and use the potty. He was about three and a half.

  • Loralee says:

    The new look is yummy.

    Potty training boys has got to be right up there with getting a root canal. Except you miss out on the good drugs and it happens multiple times a day for a damn long time.

    :S

  • kittenpie says:

    Well, I did have an easy time with potty training, but I’ll go one better onthe choco milk – mine likes hers as HOT chocolate, thankyouverymuch. Which she’ll typically get about four or five times a week in the mornings. ‘Salright.

  • Do what you have to do to get through this time. it ain’t easy and whoever doesn’t agree tell to read someone else’s blog… We understand and as my daughter reminds me my precious five year old as become a gremlin…life can be tough..

    All my best,
    Dorothy from grammology
    remember to call gram

  • Kelley says:

    By him a kilt and tell everyone he was a Scot in a past life and you are just letting him express himself.

    Damn, wish I thought of that when I was training Boo!

    And we used Pez. Cute little packaging and smaller dose of kiddy crack.

  • Kim says:

    Half Drunk Milk Sippies.What a great potential band name!

  • Value wIT says:

    love the kilt idea. Seriously, that is the answer to your problems!

  • steph says:

    My daughter was in pull-ups til she was 4 in spite of the jar of m&m’s in the bathroom. And girls are supposed to be easier! So I’m no help. Don’t ask me why I commented. Oh yeah, this post was funny as hell.

  • Liza says:

    Heh. My 2 year old woke up at 2:30 this morning screaming for chocik mik.

    Upon being denied, he proceeded to scream and sob “I want chocik mik!” for at least 5 minutes.

    This was worse than last Friday when he woke up at 4:30 am screaming “I got to cook pizza!” Although at least this time he did go back to sleep.

  • gypsy says:

    Try pants with no underwear/pullup/or anything. Sounds crazy but it worked on both of my kids, especially at night. Each kid had one accident each and that was it. My aunt of 6 boys gave me the idea.

  • Manda says:

    I too, tried the bribes. Reese’s Pieces worked well for a little while. As did chocolate milk. Guess we’re both bad moms…. haha.

  • Daisy says:

    I let my teens drink Mt. Dew. They order chocolate milk when we’re out somewhere, or take advantage of strawberry milk samples (we live in Wisconsin, the Dairy state) when they’re offered. I guess I’m not the one to write a book, either.

  • Angel says:

    I can’t even remember training my oldest, except I let him sink Cheerios to try to make it more fun. And to reduce the amount of urine around the toilet, rather than in it, ha.

    My middle child was a miracle. I was pregnant with my youngest and I didn’t want two in diapers for long so I started training her at 18 months-fully expecting it to take at least six months. Within two weeks she was trained and even dry all night. I seriously thought my womb-child was going to be the Antichrist just to make it fair.

    As it turns out, no mini-Hitler was growing inside me, lol. However, to tips the scales back toward even, she is almost 5 and JUST finished training within the last two-three months. We tried letting her go naked (which worked, but she has two older brothers so, we felt we had to limit. Especially since we always seemed to have every boy from 10-14 in a 5-mile radius in our house.), bribing her with M&Ms (which used to be her favorite, but now they’re played out and she will actually refuse them if offered, lol), putting her in panties all the time (she just really didn’t care if she was wet, so all this did was make more work for me), and eventually we just said, well, not many kindergarteners are in diapers, so let’s just have some faith that she’ll get it. And let’s pray that it’s soon. And it was, thank goodness!

  • Jerri Ann says:

    My 3 year old was 3 last November and not only does he refused to use the potty, that kid won’t pull his pants off and no amount of candy is the world has worked. I’m just about ready to strangle him!

  • mod*mom says:

    you’re definitely getting a book deal!
    congratulations on your wall street journal props!!!

    love your new site look too :)

  • Shannon says:

    Bribery with sugar? Check.
    Laziness? Check.
    My kids don’t like milk much (me either), but OJ spiked with Sprite works pretty well.

    I think you’d have many, many co-authors for your book.

  • Amy says:

    Another vote for the Gerber cloth underwear. My son will be 4 in June and we’ve just gotten the potty thing down in the last month and a half. I used candy, stickers, and toy cars as bribes. We’re out of pull-ups now except for naps and bedtime, but, he only wears the Gerber training pants, they feel like underwear, but, the extra absorbent part will keep an accident from leaking all over your couch, hardwood, etc. Also, my son has yet to poop in the potty, so, I’m rinsing poop out of them once a day and bleaching like crazy, they’ve held up great and saved us a fortune on pull-ups. I’m resorted to holding up the cool Thomas and Lightning McQueen underwear and informing him that he must poop in the potty if he’s ever going to get to wear them. I hope it works soon. ;)

  • Janeen says:

    Out of frustration, I typed I Hate Potty Training in my Yahoo search engine and came up with your blog. I needed a bit of comic relief, and I just might try some of the suggestions mentioned here.

    We’ve been “training” our 3yr 4mo son all week. Meaning we haven’t done a thing all week, just rush him to the potty. He *knows* when he needs to go, asks to go 100x a day, and still pees in his underwear. Good times!

    We’re using the Gerber training pants with a Gerber rubber pant. I also love the Imse Vimse trainers. You have to order them online, but they are like underwear and actually hold a pee in – to save your couch and sanity.

    As for chocolate milk, I’d give it to my son if he’d drink it, but when we suggested he try it, it was like we were punishing him. Water is his drink of choice, but we’ve been plying him with juice all week to get him to go potty.

    Good luck!

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