Scenes from a Mall

Posted by on March 12, 2008

In previous odes to jeans on this blog, I’ve totally spouted off on the unattractiveness of the low-rise jean. I went on and on about how they make your butt look bad and that if you’re not a toothpick or a supermodel but rather an ordinary woman with some actual flesh on her hips, you’ve probably been sporting the dreaded muffin-top, too, possibly without even knowing it.

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But after a recent trip to the mall, I’ve observed that the tides are turning and waistlines are rising. And rising. And rising.

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And while these high-waisted Levis may not look so so bad on this model, I assure you they are still the devil’s handiwork for they will lead to…

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…the return of the *ominous pause* MOM JEAN!

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And could usher in jeans like these, lace insets notwithstanding.

Look. At. Them. They’re up to her (his?) RIBS!

DO NOT WANT!!!

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And yes, celebs ARE doing it but it’s obvious their stylists have deep-seated contempt for them because why else would they let them out in public in these things?

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My fear is that these high waisted, tapered leg jeans will open the door to…PLEATS *gasp*

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And those…

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…will lead to high waists and pleats and tapered legs and buffalo plaids and STIRRUPS!!!

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I’m proud to say I never EVER owned a pair of stirrup pants.

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But I did own lots of these. And I loved them. They’re good butt pants.
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Heidi Klum’s Jordache, however, are NOT good because they’re skinny-leg jeans. Incidentally, she’s their new model in a campaign designed to make Jordache cool again. Um…didn’t anyone tell her that for years Jordache were sold exclusively at Walmart? I don’t envy her task.

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But I’d wear those evil skinny-leg Jordache from Walmart before I’d ever let a Kenny Rogers song touch my butt.

Your eyes do not deceive you… That’s him, right there on the hip pocket.

You gotta know when to hold ‘em, Know when to fold ‘em
Know when to give them to charity — and then run…

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One of my concerns amidst these extremely high waistlines is that my beloved mid-rise jeans will go away for another 20 years.

Let me just tell you that I was wearing Levis 501′s 15 years ago because I could wear them down on my hips with a fitted shirt and a funky belt and avoid the whole stick o’ denim right up under my boobs look. But today’s jeans are so much better than 501′s and I’m just not ready to give them up.

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This is me in my mid-rise jeans. Don’t I look hot?.


46 Comments

  • Damn. I hate when jeans styles change. I just found that I love my current style (slightly below the waist, boot cut, stretch jeans).

    I’ve never been one to follow fashion trends, but for chrissakes – they’re freakin’ BLUE JEANS!

  • Kathy says:

    No! Say it ain’t so! I have a thick waist and relatively slim hips, so mid-rise jeans have been a godsend. Fitting jeans to my waist means a lot of extra fabric in the butt and crotch for me, and the denim diaper look is one I cannot rock.

  • Assertagirl says:

    At least there’s no hint of the return of acid wash…the HORROR…

  • Pocklock says:

    This is terrifying! My body just does NOT work with a high wasted ANYTHING! EEk.

    Pocklock’s last blog post..Break Time

  • simplypink says:

    Jeans, what an evil. :) I just did a jean post because jeans are always on the brain for me. I remember those Kenny Rogers jeans. I had a pair. I was a teen and for some goofy reason became fixated on K.Rogers jeans. I saved my allowance and bought a pair and thought I looked very cute sporting around in them on a warm summer’s evening on a train bound for nowhere when I met up with the gambler….. Anyway, thankfully they are history now! And I look older than Kenny. ;)

    simplypink’s last blog post..did hell freeze or something?

  • Oh, The Joys says:

    This cracked me up. You are too funny. You’re so funny, in fact, that we should — oh, I don’t know — throw a party in San Francisco???

    Oh, The Joys’s last blog post..I, Hydrant

  • All Adither says:

    I think I’ll wait that trend out.

  • Jessica says:

    They just have to keep the midrise. My arse hangs out of the low and my gut hurts with the high.

  • Jennifer says:

    I feel faint reading this. I can’t imagine a world without my low(er) rise jeans!

    Maybe we should write our congressmen about this very serious issue.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Superhero Baby Spotted Wearing Cape, No Pants

  • We can all decide to reject it.

    I like the just below the waist, slightly narrow leg, but not skinny, slight bottom flare (to offset hips) style I have now.

    Do not want this high waist tight leg, short length sailor style jean. UGLY

    I have never looked good in high waisted pants. Not even when I was 110 and 5’10. I have these things? Called hips?

    And no matter how thin I am pleats pouf out a belly for me. Not a disguise, and enhancer. Of a feature not beloved.

    Out with the butt ugly style I say!

    Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Righting wrongs: a Hump Day Hmm for March 12, 2008

  • Beth says:

    Thanks, I needed a good laugh today. Scary stuff though. I may have to go back to men’s jeans.

  • What I hate is that for us bigger gals everything has a stretch in em.

    I don’t want stretch. I want good midrise jeans that can sit on my nice curvy hips.

    I don’t want stretchy pants.

    I hate jeans shopping

    crunchy carpets’s last blog post..Distractions…

  • Loralee says:

    They had a pair of pegged pants in the JCrew catalog.

    Not to drive you further into a hole or anything…

    :)

    Loralee’s last blog post..High Low’s

  • Note to self: stock up on jeans.

    Major Bedhead’s last blog post..Big D, Little d, What Begins With D?

  • motherbumper says:

    OMG, some of these photos made me cry. I mean really cry. Especially the stirrup pants. That was a part of my past that I thought would never, ever come back to haunt.

    Dang, I knew the highwaisted thing was coming back but I was in total denial.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..I’m glad to be bad

  • Amy@UWM says:

    Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no!!!

  • Kelley says:

    Those stirrup pants? I had a pair of those. In red and black.

    But in my defense I WAS 11. But still… all the photos have been burnt.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Par-tay!

  • I am so with you—-I’m high waisted already—give me high-waisted jeans and I might as well just pull them up under my armpits. Awful.

    On, and I had plenty of stirrup pants—mostly black though and not that hideous plaid!

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..Driven to Distraction

  • Liana says:

    I owned a pair of stretchy (non-pleated, thank goodness) stirrup pants. In 1991. I was eleven…they were green. I wore a baggy sweater over them. I loved that outfit. Clearly the early ’90s hadn’t escaped from ’80s fashion yet. :)
    As for jeans- I heart mid-rise! And those high-waisted jeans SCARE MEEEEEE…..

  • kittenpie says:

    Oh my sweet potato, those stirrup pants are giving me bad 80s flashbacks…

    Or remember the bright red jeans? I did have a pair of those. Eeps.

  • Emily says:

    The good thing is that since we’re not 14 any more, our personal style does NOT have to be dictated by what ‘they’ say.

    Also, we can drive to the normal people stores to buy normal people cloths.

    Looks like I was smart to buy 6 pairs of the same stinkin jeans (they were my FAVORITE style, brand, color on final clearance, heck yeah I’m buyin’ ‘em!).

    Thanks for the mid day laugh!

  • Aprylsantics says:

    I don’t want to give up my current jeans, either! My husband keeps asking me how I manage to have such a good butt for jeans now at 41 because when he met me at 25 he had to resolve himself to the fact that I did NOT have a good jeans butt. Backhanded compliments aside, that would be right around the high waist jeans era and it surely must have been the jeans’ fault. I don’t work out and I’ve had two children since then.
    They (the evil board of fashion) have been threatening the return for a couple of years now. Sadly, the hip hugger of the late sixties and early seventies did eventually transition into a high-waisted backlash that lasted well into the nineties. The rumors must be true.
    Oh, and I had 4 pairs of stirrup pants with coordinating sweaters in ’91 and I wasn’t on crack. Go figure.

  • This may quite possibly be one of the most well crafted posts I have ever read. Well done! Yes, I’m a “mid-rise” girl through and through, even if I do have to do that embarrassing move where I discretely adjust the front of my jeans over my belly every time I sit down. At least I hope it’s discrete.

    gray matter matters’s last blog post..Don’t Make Me Angry. You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry…

  • Ed Bacchus says:

    That’s strange, I’m quite found of muffin tops….

    Ed Bacchus’s last blog post..Weekly Rant 3/12/08

  • kat says:

    I am still laughing at those stirrup and sadly had a pair, though will deny it in public. They are not flattering on anyone, shape or form. PLEASE don’t let them come back. I refuse to wear them. I have also refused to wear skinny jeans. I love my mid-rise jeans and will make sure to stock up!!!

  • Flea says:

    I don’t mind a higher rise (Not up under my bra), as long as they have a little stretch so they fit the thighs properly, and a little (or a lot of) flare. I’m going to wear my shirt out anyway, so I appreciate a rise that will tuck my tummy a little.

  • Value wIT says:

    OMG, I LOVED my stirrup pants. Please let them come back. The tauntness of the straps flattens the stomach….or maybe 25 years ago I didn’t have such a big stomach…hmmm.

  • Vicky says:

    So yeah… that was clearly pre-plastic surgery Kenny Rogers on those jeans.

    And sadly, I had to learn from NPR of all places that the bootcut jean is out and skinny jeans are still in. Plus the high waisted ones. I don’t care if I have to shop at some totally out of date store I will not wear MOM JEANS and I will continue to wear lower waisted jeans. They make my butt look so small! I lurve them!!

    Vicky’s last blog post..The State of Things

  • stirrup? Isn’t that what cowboys wear….

    Or clowns?

  • Daisy says:

    Love the pictures! I am a large and short woman, so skinny jeans will never ever fit my Rubinesque body. Mid-rise are perfect. High waist? They come up to my neck. Ack.

    Daisy’s last blog post..I look so great in that picture…oh, wait, it’s not me.

  • Christina says:

    Please don’t let the bootcut and flared jeans go away! I would look like nothing more than a stuffed sausage if they go away. Mid-rise jeans are usually pretty good for me.

    And stirrups should NEVER come back.

    Christina’s last blog post..100 Things You REALLY Want To Know About Me

  • Jenny says:

    Would not be caught dead in those. They are WAY to high.

    Jenny’s last blog post..My Five Vices

  • amanda says:

    I was stuck in James Jeans hand me downs, complete with 12″ bell bottoms whilst the rest of the modern world was wearing tapered, zipper bottom guess jeans. The pathetically clad 7-14 year old in me still shudders when the issue of jeans and the styles of the moment are brought up. Even now, sitting in jeans, I am aware of the things that aren’t right, specifically that the makers of maternity clothes seem to think pregnancy equates to having an inseam of less than 30″, which when you have a 33″ inseam sucks big ass.

    amanda’s last blog post..Cabin Fever Update

  • Darla says:

    NOOOOOOOOOOO no mom jeans. I can’t do it, I won’t do it!

    *sob* Make them stop!!!

  • Christine says:

    I hear you…I am super short waisted and twenty-plus years ago I discovered the beauty of men’s 501′s. And I’ll go back if I have to, Jean Makers of the World, before I EVER wear a high rise jean.

    Christine’s last blog post..Stand off: Weitzman vs. Cody

  • I just can’t do the high waist thing! I’m already short as it is, they will end up under my chin!!!

    Friday I talked about stirrup pants and now my sister and nephew are threatning to bring out old pictures of me. :(

  • Jamie says:

    You gotta know when to hold ‘em, Know when to fold ‘em
    Know when to give them to charity — and then run…

    SNORT!

    Please God no on the mom jeans. I just now got my “cool denim” mama look down pat. Plus I am short waisted AND short.

    Dammit. I finally figure it all out and fashion changes.

  • Stay AWAY from the stirrup pants! There is nothing more heinous than the hind horse leg effect they create! Well, that and the Mom Jean Butt. The never ending buttocks complete with wedgie. Klassy.

    Amanda- VintageDutchGirl’s last blog post..Jeans of Perfection Svelteness…again.

  • rachel says:

    Scarlett is super hot, period.
    If that really is you. I think I hate you :-)
    Fabulous post. Over from the fablulous fusster.
    Mom jeans scare the crap out of me, low rise jeans make me cry. Kenny Rogers. Yikes.
    Thank you for this funny and fabulous tour of jean’dom’

    rachel’s last blog post..Weekly Winners

  • Oz says:

    Oh, god, I did have the stirrup pants, I’m ashamed to say. Love the pictures of pants through the ages.

  • JackieW says:

    Please just say no to hip huggers if over 35 & over a size 10 !

    JackieW’s last blog post..Obama : Your grandchild would not be a punishment.

  • ohla ohla says:

    I would love to this share article with co-worker. They’re going to kill me. Many of them still have stirrup on casual Friday. Believe or not. I’ll be nice. By the way, congrats on being listed on the Wall Street Journal.

    ohla ohla’s last blog post..animated character – Pocoyo

  • whiletheynap says:

    If none of us buy the high waisted jeans, they might just go away! My hips are just too wide to go down that road again.

  • trueshopaholic says:

    check out hautelook.com. I have scored on the website with good jeans that aren’t mom jeans, but also do not show your underwear. It’s also a good place to find Juicy kids, splendid littles, and C& C kids. The website sales designer merchandise for 50-75% off of retail prices. Each day a different designer is featured so, everyday there is a great new treat.

  • sue says:

    Just a note…for those of you who are threatening to go back to the Levi’s 501′s….well, THEY AIN’T THE SAME ANYMORE. Levi’s ruined the cut, made them wider thru the legs and they just don’t have that great snug fit anymore. This just makes me more compelled to buy about 100 pair of the midrise bootcut jeans I like from the Gap today, so that I can wear them for the rest of my life.

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