Sometimes They Come Back
The title of this post is actually the name of a Stephen King short story. More specifically, it was from a book of his short stories called “Night Shift” and I read it obsessively; more times than I can count, when I was about ten.
This, however, isn’t about anything scary or macabre.
No, this is just me wondering why people who have wronged me, in terrible ways in some cases, always come back into my life after I’ve totally moved on and forgotten all about them.
When I was 14, a girl who’d been my friend for most of ninth grade did something shitty to me that was apparently so abhorrent that uh… I can’t even remember what it was anymore. I dropped her like a bad habit but lo and behold, a year later she sent me a card and prattled on like we were the dearest of friends. WTF?
When I was 16 a girl that completely screwed me the year before and then moved away wrote me a letter like nothing had ever happened, like we were still friends. She even invited me to come stay at her house in Cocoa Beach. As if.
When I was 18 and in college, another girl who had screwed me over the year before got my phone number from my stepmom (our parents were friends) and just like the others, called me up as if nothing had ever happened and chatted me up for an excruciatingly long time.
A stellar judge of character, wasn’t I?
More recently, however, a girl that I’d been friends with for several years in my late twenties found me through my husband and emailed me full of apologies and chit chat about her life.
She never did anything horrible to me if you don’t count packing up and leaving town without so much as a goodbye. This was someone I had supported endlessly for over four years while she was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship.
I can’t even calculate the number of hours I spent on the phone, listening to her cry, propping her up and helping her plot she and her children’s escape from her very unbalanced asswipe of a baby daddy. She never went through with it and I never got mad or gave up on her like the rest of her friends.
When she moved away, with him, without a word to me, I was truly shocked and maybe a little hurt. My life went on unchanged, though, except that I no longer worried about her or her kids. Five years passed and I’d all but forgotten about her when I received that email in December
She apologized. She acknowledged that I was a good and loyal friend to her; that leaving the way she did was shitty.
And she’s still with him.
She says that life is good but I’m not sure I could ever believe that. He was a royal mindf*cker; completely incapable of accepting any responsibility for his abusive behavior. He actually told her one time, in front of me, that she LIKED being treated badly and that it was her own fault. That she MADE him be that way. I have a hard time imagining someone like that could change.
And frankly? I have no interest in finding out. I have my own life and my own problems.
So I never replied to her email and she recently wrote my husband asking if I’d received said email or not. He says I should reply.
I told him that I don’t feel compelled in the least to do so. I don’t hate her or wish anything bad upon her. I just really don’t care to pursue the matter.
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People like that flit in and out of my life too. I have come to the conclusion that they realise that I was a good friend. By then it is too late. When I was younger I would welcome them back with open arms, only to be shitted on again.
No more. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the energy.
Perhaps a simple email. ‘Yes, I received your email. I valued our friendship way back when. That ship has sailed. Bite me’
Kelley’s last blog post..I have lead a sheltered life.
I’ve been on both sides mores than a few times, where I’ve wanted to apologize for something — or in one case, did apologize and was blown off. Is it different if it’s an apology for the shitty behavior rather than an email as if nothing ever happened?
Recently someone told me how sorry she was for something she’d said three years ago. (Which I had mostly forgotten, and really didn’t think it was worth an apology.) I don’t want to be best buddies with this person, but I did appreciate it. She was genuinely sorry.
I’d probably email her back. Like Kelley said, a simple email.
I had someone from the long-since-forgotten past come back a couple years ago. She and I were friends in university, but had lost touch in the several years since then. We were both married with a kid.
She started almost immediately to open up about her infidelity, and how she felt about it and what not, and I tried to be supportive, but with that many years between us I needed catch up info. Apparently, gathering info in the hopes of being better informed and offering better advice makes you a candidate for infidelity. She actually told me she suspected I wanted “a fling of my own” with her.
I told her (based on the info I had) that she still had issues with men, and until she understood that not every man was a potential bedmate, she needed to stop emailing me. I haven’t heard from her since.
SciFi Dad’s last blog post..THS: The Valentine’s Day Post
It seems to me that in all cases you were truly a friend to them ALL. For some reason each of them felt the need to maybe patch things up because you had been such good friend to them all. But the last one? I would probably either ignore it, or give her a yeah, nice to hear from you and delve into a little of what’s been going on with you. Sadly, from my experience if she was a high maintenance friend that needed your constant cheerleading and friend dr. phil-ing, she’s not gonna wanna listen to you and be your cheerleader/dr. phil. In that case sometimes that don’t come back. Been there doing that and it ticketh me off. ;)
I think we’ve all had people like that, come in an out of our lives. But I’m with you, I HATE when they act like it never happened or it isn’t a big deal. I have a friend who lied to me and then kept acting like nothing was going on and he did nothing wrong.
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I have my fair share of wack-a-do floating in and out of my life too– mostly thanks to MySpace. They find me, see that I have a child and want to book a playdate like all I’ve spent the last 5, 8, 10 years is sit around waiting for them to call… Not likely.
I also recommend the “canned response”. Just a simple, “hi, glad to hear from you. Hope things are going well…”
I think you should send her an email to her to leave you and your family alone - let her know that you’re done with her.
Then set up a rule so that any emails from her go straight into your junkmail folder.
Boundaries are important.
I don’t think you owe her anything. And you should not feel once ounce of guilt about not writing her back.
But that said, we have all done things that we enormously regret (or at least I have) and it does take great courage to utter the words, “I’m sorry” when you really are. So perhaps, at some point, your heart can be open to her apology without restarting any kind of relationship with her.
Forgiveness is an amazing gift. But sometimes it takes a long time before it’s possible.
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She’s probably ashamed that she stayed with him and couldn’t face you. But I totally understand where you’re coming from. How unfulfilling. It makes you want to think twice before giving too much of yourself.
I agree with Kelley and Nicole…you should at least send her an e-mail letting her know that you really don’t want to start up the friendship again…she at least deserves that for apologizing after all this time.
I’d like to suggest that maybe she’s always lacked the strength and courage to leave the jerk and your support, while needed and appreciated, was not enough to help her make the changes she needed to make. It’s possible she feels so entrenched in the relationship that there’s no way she’ll ever escape. I see it as a good sign that she recognizes the role you played and accepts responsibility for her own actions where your own relationship is concerned. That doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to restart a relationship with her, but acknowledging her efforts takes little effort on your part and can do a great deal to ease her discomfort. Wish her well, let her know that you were hurt and/or confused by her actions and forgive her. You’ll both feel better for it.
Gina’s last blog post..“No Comment!”
I would probably email her back just to say that you got her email and accept her apology. Then, just wish her well and say goodbye. I think there is no reason in the world you should be expected to keep a relationship up with her, especially since she is still with someone so abhorrent. Perhaps writing back to her will ‘close’ the door with some finality since not writing back to her seems to have left things ‘open’ a bit.
Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..Oh My God, I AM Raising Geeks!
Something similar to your last story happened to me not too long ago. I had a college roomate that had some serious issues. We were very close friends, but she screwed me over time and time again and each time I forgave her because she really was screwed up. I mean REALLY screwed up, especially with men. We went through one crappy boyfriend disaster after another, with me always trying to help her to get out of the relationships and get some help. It went on for years and years. Then, she did a couple of things that were breathtakingly hurtful to me. She said “I never thought you would get married before me because I’m so much prettier and sexier than you are>’ Ouch! That was pretty painful, but stupid me… I looked beyond it because she was so screwed up. Then I started trying to get pregnant. Eight years, 4 miscarriages. VERY painful stuff. During that time she had several abortions and described them to me in detail. Can you say “killer pain”? Um yeah.
But the last straw was when she got involved with a married man with 2 kids that she HATED. She had nothing nice to say about these little girls, she really couldn’t stand them. And he had shared custody so she had to deal with them weekly. Anyhow, this guy was really abusive. Physically, emotionally, and probably sexually. He was a total control freak, the kind you see on Dr Phil. He was loaded, he had a great scheme worked out with the State of Ca and he was making money like there was no tomorrow. She loved the money.
The last time I spoke to her, I was just out of the hospital after my 2nd trimester loss. She proceeded to ignore my sadness and tell me that she and that guy were getting married. I said to her, “Well, call me when you get divorced.” and that was it.
Until years later when I got an email from her, like every thing was just ducky. She was still married to the jerk, they had one son and then she had infertility issues and could never get pregnant again. Heh. I have to admit to still feeling a bit happy about that. I’m a bitch, so sue me. But she deserved a little pain after all those abortions when I was trying so hard and she just didn’t get it.
I did email her back, but it was so bland and boring, the ‘life is fabulous and I don’t miss you at all’ kind of mail, and I never heard back. Which is fine with me.
If I were you, I’d do the same. Just email your old friend and give her the most boring, bland, uninteresting view of your life possible. Make it short but NOT sweet. Give her no invitation to get further involved. Tell her how busy and successful you are. Lie if you have to, but make sure she gets that you’re totally not interested in being her friend anymore.
If you don’t respond, she’ll keep trying. If you do, then you give HER the idea of dropping you because you’re just so…dull. Which is exactly the outcome you want!
I think it makes sense she woke up one day and realized she’s made an error I her friendship with you. I wish more people would (I mean in general). So while it must have been a surprise (and clearly an unwelcome one) it seems reasonable to me to reach out. But that doesn’t mean you owe her friendship.
I do think you should—just out of courtesy and manners—email her back, tell her some such about accepting the apology but make it clear it ends there for you.
That ought to be closure for your both.
Good luck!
Julie Pippert’s last blog post..What’s Love
I had an ex-boyfriend — one of those super messed up sensitive types — who would be my friend for a few months until I did or said something that set him off. Then he’d refuse to speak to me for a few months until he felt like being my friend again. Generally, I was his touch stone — someone who could stabilize his life whenever it was going badly. The last time I talked to him, he called me after being out of touch for several months (something I said had pissed him off). I listened to his latest drama and after he asked if we could be friends again, I told him I loved him, told him I’d listen if he needed me to, but that I just couldn’t let him into my life again — I just couldn’t handle the drama. I never heard from him again. Maybe you just need to close the loop with this woman. Let her know that you’re glad she’s ok, that you forgive her for the way she left you, but that you need to keep your life as drama free as possible.
I’m inclined to say no, don’t contact her. But then I think I might be well served to cultivate a more forgiving nature. It’s a tough call…
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If it was me, I probably wouldn’t reply. Certain people bring more pain into other people’s lives than peace and friends aren’t meant to cause stress. Yes friends can lean in times of support but if that’s all the relationship is, and the one getting support walks away from it, I say it’s probably better to stay away. Unfortunately I’ve had to cut out some people in my life that were more drama, pain, and stress than anything else. But I’ll spare you the babbling: my two cents - let it lie.
motherbumper’s last blog post..woo me with sleep and get Lost
hmm.
if you have the time to do it, i would just close the loop for good. simply accept the apology but that time has moved on. it’s polite.
but again, only if you have the time and energy. if you don’t even have the energy to invest in an email to her, then for get it.
ugh…that’s a tough one. And I too have been on both sides.
But really, I don’t think anyone could blame you for accepting the apology, but not accepting the renewed entrance of that particular energy drain into your life.
At least I wouldn’t.
Gina, I’m with you on this one. I am a mom of four and it took me years before I could leave my children’s father. He was that type of person, even today it is hard to call him my husband, or ex-husband. There were many people that could see the possibilities in me, that I couldn’t see, I felt damaged beyond repair and couldn’t see anything beyond my own little world of pain. I was so unaware of myself as a person, I couldn’t see or feel for other’s either. It is a good thing that this girl has admitted her part in this as it means she has awakened to her own life. The kindest thing you can do as a generous person is to acknowledge your feelings to her, forgive her and then both of you go forth into your future’s with no more regrets. We all grow and learn in our own time.
Oh, that thing called Life. It’s confusing. Guess you have to put your mind in a box - for just a moment - and go with your gut. Do you like the girl? Do you want to have a relationship with her? Do you feel like she needs you? If any of those questions have yes, then ask your mind if you have the time, energy or willingness to dabble in a relationship with her. THEN, set the boundaries.
Hope that didn’t sound preachy— I hate that. Mostly, you’re the nice person with whom people feel comfortable. You get to make the decisions because you are resposible.
Yeah, old relationships can be weird. I’ve certainly improved my criteria for friendship in recent years and would never put up with the bullshit I used to put up with. I’m a really loyal friend and I’ve had people take advantage of me in the past. I suspect it’ll happen again, but at least my eyes are open a tad wider these days.
I think when you have someone like this in your life who you have to spend a lot of energy propping up but without having her bring anything worthwhile into your life but her own drama, you have to cut the tie. It’s one thing to help a good friend through trying times, even if they are not taking the steps to improve their situation; it’s a completely different situation when that person is not a friend in return.
PumpkinsMom’s last blog post..What Should You Be When You Grow Up?
Sometimes you just have to move on. That includes family members as well.
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Where the hell does she get off…? Anyways, you know what Stephen King had another novel/movie - and the main line in it was, “They All Float Down Here!”
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Since I just went through this very thing (twice), I really identify with what you’re saying. Personally, I did reply to one of my former friends with a very basic “hi, how ya doin” email. She has continued to email me and I wish I wouldn’t have responded at all.
Good luck with this. Why do relationships have to be so complicated?
Jennifer’s last blog post..Vacuum P0rn
you are stringer than me. I would totally have written back. And I got frakked alot by friends. Hmmm. Note to self.
Yes, I like her.
No, I don’t want a relationship with her.
I really don’t care if she needs me.
Those are great questions. I can see clearly now :)
Once I write somebody off, I never look back. That’s just how I am. I suppose it could be construed as a sign of character but more likely it’s just a major character flaw. *sigh*
Of course you’re loyal. You’re a Virgo (like me).
:)
“They All Float Down Here!”
ahahahaha…I love it!
It’s not that i don’t want to forgive her. I just really don’t even want to communicate with her. I just feel…unmotivated, unmoved by her email, uninterested.
I had the same sort of situation. Two years after the incident, she called me apologized, and I accepted. I could never fully trust her anymore although I had no ill feelings for her. Now we talk about 3 times a year and see each other maybe once. The damage was done, it is awkward now and I am okay with that.
Tracey’s last blog post..*Shameless Self Promotion*
Interesting - same thing has happened to me, but with ex-boyfriends. I must have something written on my forehead.
I probably would have left that email unanswered, too. Why get yourself back into that hopeless situation?
I wish I was more like that, I forgive very easily. Even if I don’t ever feel *Quite* the same about someone afterwards, it is really tough for me to ignore or refuse an apology.
I used to hope that it was driven by kindness, but suspect that it is actually that I have no spine. :S
I would write her just what you say…That while you wish her a good life and you recognize her apology, you don’t want a further relationship.
Then filter her email address to send further replies to either your spam address or back to her address so that she really gets the picture.
That way, you stop her from twisting in the wind (Because you know that she is) but you have clear boundaries.
Loralee’s last blog post..French food, Diet Coke, and fat. Lots and lots of fat.
I don’t think you owe anyone an email response. I have an old high school friend who pursued me rather agrressively for a while and just ignoring eventually did the trick.
Laura’s last blog post..President’s Day
You don’t owe her a response, but she may keep trying to contact you if you don’t respond. Or maybe she’ll get the hint.
I’ve had so many people like that in my life, and yet I suffer from constantly letting them back in my life. I need to learn to say no more.
My father has been in and out of my life like that. Before I got married, he threw a fit that I chose my mom to walk me down the aisle, and stopped speaking to me, but not before taking multiple opportunities to mess with my head and tell me how everything between us was my fault. We didn’t speak for a long time, and I was happy about that, but then the day Cordy was born, he showed up out of nowhere and expected a relationship.
I was too nice and let him in, making concessions and going out of my way to be nice and help him have a relationship with his grandkids. And then he found out I was a writer and begged to see my blogs. He swore he understood that it was very personal and I wasn’t always nice in my blog. I only gave him my family.com blog, but he found the other one. Yesterday he called me and once again we were back to nothing. Yelling at me, using all of my words (taken out of context) against me. It was ugly. I’m not sure I even want to make the effort any more with him. He’s placed it all on me again to make the effort to call him and apologize. I don’t think I can.
So I know how you feel. And if you choose to not e-mail her back, teach me how to be that strong, will you?
Well, you must care or you wouldn’t have written such a long post. Plus, if you really don’t care you would just send a brief email back. I think you probably have some, very understandable, residual anger or you wouldn’t have such a clasically passive aggressive response.
In any case, while I appreciate your taking the time to formulate a fairly inaccurate psychological profile of me, based on one blog post, I don’t recall actually asking for anyone’s opinion. I’ll be sure to file this one under “Busybodies.”
I think with a parent, closing the door is a lot harder. It’s only natural that you would keep trying to salvage a relationship with him. He’s your dad and just like our kids need us, adults need their parents, albeit in different ways. But…if it’s painful and hurtful and doesn’t yield any positive feelings, maybe it’s best to let that door stay closed.
Who among us has not made mistakes? If you really don’t care, then forgive her. She is asking for your forgiveness. If it makes no difference to you…then why in the world would you withold forgiveness from someone? That’s pretty bad karma if nothing. Nobody is saying at all that you need to reconnect or carry on a correspondence! Just reply *one time* - tell her it’s all in the past, it’s forgiven and good luck. End of story. You can also make it clear that while you forgive her, you’re not about to make the same mistake twice.
Finally, I’m always surprised that people who blog about themselves and their life get so defensive when someone else ventures an opinion. If you don’t want that - then either close the post to comments or don’t put your life out their for public consumption….
Good luck to you and I hope you can find it in yourself to give some of the forgiveness that I’m sure you have received in your life…and that we all need.
I thank you for your bizarre concern regarding my karma but rest assured my karma is good. You’ll just have to take my word on that.
As for opinions… they are generally welcome, even when they weren’t requested. Personal and/or judgmental attacks, on the other hand, are not. But I forgive you anyway :)
I concur :)
I had two friends in the last few years that have wronged me….one did it where we worked…and the other did it twice…once on my own computer (we have a keylogger program and she was babysitting - my husband found what she said about me)…..I dropped the work one so fast and the other, i tried trusting her again….only to find out she was talking smack and lying blatently about me. So I dropped her….for a few years….she got in touch with me again and we talk every so often…but I no longer trust her and am very guarded…
Izzymom,
I am the one who wrote about how, at one time I was married to a man like the husband of this girl you are writing about. As a woman in that position, I also said how, and you did too, that she was emotionally and psychologically abused.
You say, all she did to you, was to move away without telling you. I can only remember how it is to be so controlled and demeaned that fear is all you know. I can remember also walking away from people that that thought they knew what was best for me, for someone so controlled and abused it is impossible to see reality in what you are being told. I felt so bound, trapped and in such massive pain tha I could not think about how I was affecting another person(I felt so inconsequential that if I disapeared it wouldnt matter to anyone). When a person is abused like that it could and it did me, take years to to see what had been done to me and then for me to see how I was in that and then to see how people who tried to help were not appreciated in the manner that a healthy person would have reacted to them.
Some of the comments on this blog are very unkind and thoughtless and based on not understanding the abuse this woman suffered and the effects on her.
Even at ths point although it sounds as though some growth has occured(she has acknowledged her leaving and apologising to you), if she is still with him, she is still not recovered. I am free from him now, and would never allow anyone else to inflict abuse of any kind on me anymore.
My ex? He died two years ago from his addictions, after his death, I found out about the sexual abuse he had suffered as a boy that was never dealt with. I had already forgiven him though, I did that for my own growth and had nothing to do with his actions. All in all though, I am glad I did before he died, that is something I don’t have to carry with me.
I’m coming in late on this, but I think a brief response acknowledging you read her email and closing off future contact may be a good idea…but my reasoning was because of this -
“So I never replied to her email and she recently wrote my husband asking if I’d received said email or not. He says I should reply.”
Respond to keep your husband out of the position of middleman. She never should have emailed your husband, but she did…..if you respond, he is not left in the position of deciding whether or not to respond to your friend, and what to say.
Don’t you love it when people offer assvice without being asked? :) Sorry.
mel from freak parade’s last blog post..Perspective
I think that all people have a tendency to live in the past… that’s why they look you up after a time… because they remember how good it was and want that back. They don’t realize that unlike them, you’ve grown-up and moved on. It’s sad actually, that they can’t do the same (which is why you don’t want them back in your life to begin with). Is that a catch 22?
You know, sometimes life is too short to bother with people who are draining. I once didn’t bother responsing to someone who hadn’t been awful to me or anything, I just didn’t really like her enough to pretend to be her friend. A mutual friend was a bit surprised, but really, we only hve so much time to go around. Why not be honest?
First I just wanted to say I knew this title reference right away. That book cover with the eyes on the bandaged hands scared the crap out of me.
I think sometimes you can look back at your life and see certain patterns in the people you surrounded yourself with. It’s like you have to learn the lesson with the energy-suckers and once you’re really truly done with them, the universe stops sending them to you.