Sperm Donors And Child Support
Normally, when a woman blog-sits for another woman, they talk about rummaging through their host’s fridge and dresser drawers, looking for “dirt” or things to make fun of them for. However, being a man, I don’t want to do that, because I know that with my luck the one drawer I open will be the one with bras and/or panties, and all of a sudden I become that guy. And I have no interest in being that guy, thankyouverymuch. So, all I am going to do is make sure I take off my boots (there’s a lot of snow where I am) and sit on the couch and watch football (this is America - there’s always a game on somewhere). Oh, and hope I don’t block the toilet. That’s basically all men do when they visit anywhere.
When Izzy put out the call for guest bloggers, I practically tripped over myself to offer my services. She’s a blogger after my own heart, who often writes in the “original” blogging style of taking a news piece, linking to it, and then going to town on the subject. Hell, she even started Moms Speak Up, which is all about news commentary. So, with that in mind, I bring you today’s post.
In the past week, two separate rulings have come down from courts, one in the U.S. and the other overseas in the U.K., ordering men to pay child support for children fathered via sperm donation. Both were cases of private sperm donation to a lesbian couple, and neither circumstance had any legal documentation that absolved the man of parental responsibility.The easy thing to do here is put on our blinders, trust our gut reactions, and say that because the men contributed sperm they are technically a father, and therefore bear responsibility for the child or children. However, I feel that would be trivializing the issue, and also would lead us down a slippery slope I am not comfortable with.
Before I continue, I would like to state, unequivocally, that I am in favour of all people being able to have children by any legal means available to them (i.e. I’m not cool with baby stealing, but pretty much anything else is on the table, from petri dishes to turkey basters). This includes same-sex couples, single men and women, or any other concept of a family.
Dealing with my trivialization comment first, I ask the following question: should a sperm donor be allowed to file for custody of a child conceived with his genetic material? Consider the following hypothetical: a young man donates sperm to his lesbian friend so that she and her partner may enjoy parenthood. Fast forward a few years, and this man has now married and discovered that his spouse is infertile. They talk, and conclude that it would be preferable to raise his child than to adopt or seek a surrogate. Knowing the court’s tendency to favour heterosexual couples, they would likely end up with the child. I would suspect that the majority of people (who are not opposed to same-sex marriage and/or same-sex couples raising children) would agree this is unfair to the mother. However, to say the father cannot seek custody but is still financially responsible is a double standard.
With regards to the slippery slope I identified, if these cases result with the fathers having to pay child support, how much of an impact will it have on the likelihood of sperm donation in the future? Will men be willing to offer their genetic material to lesbian couples, or even couples who cannot conceive for that matter, if there is a chance that their donation may land them a monthly support payment? Realistically, that end is somewhat far off, because the most likely evolution of the story will be that more and more fathers will be forced to pay support, which will lead to a run of legal “absolution” documents being conceived and signed, which will lead to one of these documents being challenged in court, which will lead to the document being overturned, which will leave us where we are today: sperm donors on the financial hook. In the end, I suspect that sperm donation will become too great a financial risk, and subsequently lesbian couples and those unable to conceive will have a dramatically more difficult time having a baby.
Rhetoric and hypothetical situations are all well and good, but it’s important I take a position in the discussion. While my instincts as a dad push me towards the “a father is a father” side of the argument, I cannot, in good conscience, restrict people from having a family because of legal pitfalls. To this end, my suggestion would be to formally legislate a means for a man to renounce rights to a child, and in so doing, absolve him of any responsibility in the future. To make this reasonable, the renunciation would have to be supported by the child’s mother (otherwise, every man who had a one night stand that resulted in a pregnancy would take this route). I feel that this offers the best of what is a complicated situation: men will feel free to donate sperm without fearing long-term financial burdens, and couples who otherwise would be childless have a better chance to have a baby.
We are now at a crossroads, and depending on what direction the courts take, we could be at the precipice of a dramatic change in alternative methods for how families are created. From where I’m standing, I hope they make the right choice.
You can read more SciFi Dad at his personal blog called Tales From The Dad Side and also at his commentary column called Daditorial.
I just had a couple tell me two days ago that if they adopted they would have to go outside the US, because they couldn’t risk having the birth mother “take it back”.
Whenever I hear these court cases I think SURELY I am not getting the whole story. Certainly there has to be more that justifies these rulings.
It can’t possibly be that major legal decisions are being made by people with absolutely no common sense - can it?
If you donate money to a charity you can’t later sue the charity to get your money back. Further aren’t most men compensated for donating their sperm? Once you donate they’re no longer yours they become property of the service who collected them. They aren’t a baby without an egg. Do we need to have donators sign away their parental rights before they collect their sample?
Please forgive my ignorance, I got my kids the old fashioned way with my husband and don’t know the answer to this. I understand where this might be an issue when the sperm is donated outside of a sperm bank, but aren’t there already legal processes in place that protect men who donate through a sperm bank? It seems to me that if a man wanted to donate to a particular lesbian couple he could work through the sperm bank to ensure this type of thing wouldn’t happen later. Also, in the US case, this could have been prevented if the man hadn’t taken steps to act in any way like a father once the donation had been made, but according to the article you linked to, he had. Frankly, I think this should simply serve as a warning to men that if they wish to help out friends by making a donation, they should do it in the context of a sperm bank in order to protect themselves.
That said, I still think the courts in both cases have taken leave of their senses. Neither man should be made to pay - if anything, the lesbian women should be suing their former partners and THEY should be made to pay, same as if these were hetero couples.
I agree with you, mostly.
I’m surprised sperm donation at a donor bank doesn’t include a waiver that relinquishes all rights to the sperm after donation and any children that might result.
In the case of a known donor, I think that’s trickier, and the man and woman need to have a crystal clear agreement that allows for flexibility. The man needs to understand he might be creating a child and that child might then want a relationship, or he might, or the mom might. If he’s not up for that, the answer needs to be no.
The slight distinction in my mind is that in case 1, the man has consented to donate sperm and is anonymous. In case 2, the man has implied consent to create a child and is known.
See the difference in my mind?
But, that’s more about relationship and relationship rights.
Financially? If a woman takes these means to create a child, she needs to be 100% sure she can financially support it. Period. It doesn’t seem reasonable to turn around at some point and decide to ask the sperm donor for money, too.
Okay hard to simply comment, briefly, on this topic. There are about 1000 holes in everything I said.
Julie
Using My Words
Interesteing, my first instinct is they really should not have to pay, and I do hope at least if you go through a sperm bank/fertility clinic there are legal practices in place. I remember some friends of mine were considering having a brother donate the sperm, so their child could have her DNA (a lesbian couple), but they were concerned maybe he’d later get religion and decide they weren’t fit to raise a child and try to get him back. In the end they used a sperm bank and I assume it’s anonymous.
The one where the donor sent cards and gifts, and acted as a father, that’s a little harder to judge, but I still think it’s probably wrong to have one agreement, only to later change your mind when you need money.
Craziness. I like how you turned it around. It shows how silly it all really is. Great post.
great post! want to comment at length but read while nursing. typing 1-handed. just saying great stuff.
I hate to say everything needs regulation and lawyers, because I wish that we needed them LESS, but Ithink anyone considering an arrangement might want to get some sort of contract drafted simply because otherwise, it is pretty difficult to prove that it happened via donation with no expectation of claims on either side, rather than an oops or a different kind of agreement. It’s sad that you should have to consider covering your ass on what should be a joyous thing, but it would sure help prevent heartache potential down the road.
Interesting post and food for thought. I don’t think a sperm donor should be expected to pay child support. If someone went to get sperm from a sperm bank they should realize that they are doing it on their own, the donor doesn’t have any connection.
Romie’s last blog post..We successfully donated toys
Men should be allowed to admonish themselves from any responsibility of child rearing due to the consequences of a one night stand. Women have the right to chose. Men have that right too and the courts need to recognize it.