Little Black Clouds: An Exercise in Self-Pity
Do you ever feel like there are little big black clouds following you around?
Of course you do. We all have bad days.
But what about bad months? Like several. In a row?
That’s how I’m feeling lately.
If you hate whiny, self-pitying posts, you should probably leave now… You were warned.
It occurred to me last night, as I got ready for bed, after a few frustrating hours of trying to solve a Wordpress mystery (which I totally solved and then somehow unsolved) that life has been just one big exercise in frustration since late August.
Even though my husband and I have since worked through our problems and are doing better than ever, it started with the betrayal.
Then my father-in-law passed away in mid-September and my husband just hasn’t been himself ever since.
After he died, my mother-in-law decided to give us his newer-than-ours minivan but see, it wasn’t really a gift because we had to sell ours and give her the proceeds. And? I wasn’t given the option to refuse. It was like a “gift” from the Godfather…
So, of course, just days after we sell our very reliable minivan with incredibly low miles, multiple things start going wrong with the new-to-us van. For example, now my keyless entry doesn’t work and no, it’s not the batteries or a fuse or anything else that would be easy and inexpensive to fix. It is, according to the dealer, probably going to be about $500 to replace the computer chip. Arrrrggggghhhhh!
Don’t even get me started about the gas mileage. This thing guzzles gas like a drunk on St. Patrick’s Day and given my love and devotion for all things eco-friendly, it just eats me alive every time I have to manually unlock my car and drive somewhere. Going to the gas station is enough to make me cry…
Then came the ants.
And then I unwittingly screwed with my antidepressant medication.
And since my kids have started school, they have been continuously sick. As soon as one gets better, the other comes down with something. My son, over Thanksgiving break, has turned up with the painful, awful, terrible, never-stop-whining-and-fussing and totally-sleep-destroying “hand, foot and mouth” virus (Coxsackie virus). The poor little guy has been absolutely miserable.
He’s home again with me today which means that all the money I’ve paid for him to go to his morning program this week and last week was for nothing and I’m, quite frankly, losing my mind here because he’s now just well enough to wreak havoc but not well enough to handle any sort of upset, resulting in lots of tantrums and gerneralized fussing and freaking out.
On Monday he went for a head and sinus x-ray for this mysterious eye pain that’s been plaguing him and taking a sick toddler to a walk-in only X-ray facility to wait and wait and wait? NOT FUN. Even worse, the results yielded nothing which means the next test is an MRI. I’m starting to worry.
Yesterday, my daughter started complaining of a headache and sore throat which means she’s probably catching the same virus and we can look forward to a week or more of additional misery and her trademark shitty attitude that always rears it’s ugly head when she’s getting sick — just in time for our much-needed vacation next week, which will probably be canceled.
My workload is piling up faster than I can get to it, I haven’t had any time to blog, I have Christmas-related things that I need to do NOW that I haven’t been able to do and honestly, I feel l pulled in a thousand different directions, that everyone needs me for something and it’s always critical. Nothing can ever wait.
Oh, and the guilt. Everyone loves to heap on the guilt when you can’t stay for the Girl Scout meeting or volunteer at school or don’t want to buy a ticket for the the annual auction or don’t have the ability to do any of the other school-related crap that you thought your exorbitant taxes were supposed to take care of but apparently don’t (like volunteering to make copies for three hours week. WTF?)
I recently checked out mortgage interest rates because I’d like to roll our home equity line into our regular mortgage (hello variable rate from hell!) and now I have a bazillion different lenders blowing up my home and cell phone every day because I haven’t had time to call them back. I’m afraid one day I’ll open the blinds and see them in my yard — an angry mob of desperate mortgage people carrying torches in one hand and a huge stack of papers requiring my signature in the other! And yes, I COULD be calling them back right now but my poor neglected blog needed me and I needed it….to vent.
These are just the highlights. Nothing and I mean NOTHING has gone my way in months. Everything I try to do has been an uphill battle with no end in sight. I just want to curl up and go to sleep and if my son had gone to his program this morning, that’s probably what I’d be doing because I’m sooo very tired of it all.
The only bright spot is a very extensive horoscope sent to me by my friend and fellow Virgo, Jennster when I was having a rough time back in late August. If I recall, it said that 2008 is going to be a great year for us. Well, I hope that’s what it said and that I’m not just confabulating* the whole thing out of a mix of desperation and wishful thinking…
I know when a person is complaining about life, that in a misguided attempt to help said person see the bright spot, people like to tell them all the ways in which their life could be worse. They bring up all sorts of scenarios and comparisons and yes, it could always be worse. But it doesn’t make said person feel any better. It just makes them feel like a big crybaby that’s not allowed to vent. Please, I beg of you…allow me the tiny amount of pleasure I get from venting. And if you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening.
*Confabulation (n) - A fantasy that has unconsciously emerged as a factual account in memory. A confabulation may be based partly on fact or be a complete construction of the imagination.
I am right there with you girl! Right. There. With. You.
My life is so freakin lovely these days I am ready to run away from home.
Hang in there and vent away!
aww, iz. so sorry, lady. i know about going through phases like that. my last one lasted from last fall though this summer (wish i were joking)… feel free to vent, email me if you ever want an e-shoulder to cry on. xoxo
You have had a rough year. And things do add up even if you get a few weeks break between issues. If the kids are sick maybe for vacation you can take a few days away, then he can take a few days away so you both can get some well deserved rest!
I am going through one of those same spells right now except much worse! Much, much worse. Do you hear ME complaining?
These times, they do completely suck ass. I am very quick to believe that life is “always like this” when it’s bad, and “only occasionally like this” when it’s good. I hope you’re better able to maintain your perspective; it will probably help some. As will the venting and the crying, whenever you can sneak a chance.
Wow, sucks to be you right now. Hang in there though, from what I have read here you are a pretty amazing woman with lots of strength. Keep posting and venting, we’ll keep reading. Hugs and good vibes to you.
Amen, sister. Here’s to stiff drinks and brighter days! :)
Oh, babe. Yes, I’d call it a rough year. And you have every right to “whine” about it (which you did NOT do here, anyway).
xxoo
I have this theory, that no one needs permission to feel shitty or to vocalize feeling shitty. You don’t have to earn the right to have a crappy day/week/month/year. And suck is suck is suck. Just like pain is pain is pain. You have to feel it in order to get over it anyway. So own it and do what you have to.
And I truly hope a nap presents itself soon.
Or a bottle of wine.
Or a shoe shopping spree.
Anything that can be defined as silver lining. You deserve it.
Venting is a part of life. Hopefully it helps you to feel a little better! HUGS!
That’s shitty. Sorry! :(
That sucks. Vent Away. {{Virtual Hugs}}
I think without venting, we’d all go crazy! I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough patch. I’m feeling a little of the same way and just can’t get out of the funk.
But as a fellow Virgo, I’m excited about 2008! It will be a great year!
I’m sorry you are going through so much crap right now.
Anyway, Since my son started school this year he has been sick it seems like every other week and now he has pneumonia and is off sick from school for a whole week. Like you, I always feel pulled in so many different directions and there’s always something keeping me from getting things done then the guilt comes…
Hope your new year starts out good…
I’m so sorry. If you’re like me - and I’ve definitely had years like yours, 2007 being one of them - it’s almost paralyzing. Here’s a toast to your 2008!
You’ve had a rough patch of late, I agree. You are a reasonable person and are allowed to vent, actually it’s good to vent. Get it all out, Girl! I am also a virgo and hope that 2008 will be great…
Are you kidding? I feel like I got on a roller coaster 2.5 years ago and it hasn’t stopped since. Frankly, I’m afraid to feel optimistic anymore; an objectively neutral outlook is the best I can manage at this point.
So. Not only do I understand, I admire you for letting it out. Here’s hoping the optimism returns soon for both of us.
You’re entitled to vent. After all, this is your space. I hope things turn around for you.
Whine away. You’re entitled.
And I won’t even try to talk you out of it.
Wanna run away from home together? Because my life is just as fucked as yours is right now. So you can whine all day and I won’t care in the slightest!
Hope everything gets better very, very soon.
go on with your bad self. we’re here to listen.
I’m trying to think of something someone might have said to me this summer when I was clinging to reality by my fingertips - something that might have made me feel better.
But all I remember is the crushing weight, and the fear that if I talked about it and people tried to console me I would lose my damn mind.
So, um, I guess in summary… I have nothing to say. :-(
Sometimes it feels good to grumble.
I am so sorry things are so rough. I am a lurker, just wanted to show my support for you as well.
Rough patches suck rocks. Sorry you are havng one. And may I say I know how you feel because have BTDT and bought the t-shirt. Hang in here.
Julie
Using My Words
Vent away, and take care of yourself any way you can - glass of wine? And forget the school stuff - Plain Jane had an awesome post about how she does not do any of those things - a pox on the guilt-carrying volunteer beggers.
Honey I totally understand your rant. In the past I have had years that were like that. No matter what I did it blew up in my face and somehow managed to compromise everyone else around me too. Drama was like my little sister following me around and wanting to come stay with me every chance it got!
Well I have to admit I am finally drama free (mostly) and I have never been happier. I agree the schools are too needy and I’m not very happy with my son’s school’s faculty right now, but what’s a busy mom to do?
I hope all gets back on track for you soon, but if not, please vent some more it does a soul good and we’re here to listen (well read actually but who’s arguing semantics?)
Vent away. It’s good that you have this forum for that when you need it, and you know we’re here to support you.
But I hope that 2008 is truly better for you. You really deserve it.
It’s better to get it all out than keep it in. And that’s all I seem to be doing on my blog lately. Whatever anybody else’s problems are and how they “compare” when the troubles are piling on and you feel the way you feel, a blog is a good place to deal with it. I’m not going to tell you any bright sides. You’ll find a way back to a bright place when you can. So be as self-pitying as you like and don’t feel bad about that too. You’ve got enough to worry about. I’ll just give you praise for being honest.
Thank you.
Good for you letting it all out - I have been wanting to do the same for a while, just waiting that I explode and can’t keep it all inside anymore.
I wish all the best - all the better- for you and thanks for writing this. It always feels in a weird way good to know I’m not only who has some scheisse going on. Not that I want anything bad for anyone, but you know what I mean. That we really don’t deal with stuff like this alone.
Hang in there. Life’s a freakin’ rollercoaster.
To an Izzy from a Lizzi … just go ahead and cry. Sometimes it’s all that helps. It will get better soon!
Vent. As much and as long as you need to. I hate it when I feel the need to apologize after venting, because I have the right to feel the way I do, just as you have the right to feel bogged down with everything that’s been going on.
So go ahead and feel, vent, be human. (Not that you need my permission by any means. *laughs* I just know exactly where you’re coming from.)
I just spent the last few hours writing something similar but chickened out and posted something about Christmas. Purely cause I didn’t want the ‘it could be worse’ or pity.
Sometimes a girl just needs to vent. You are awesome and your life has been majorly sucky of late. Sending you cyber hugs, chocolate and red wine. Always make me feel better!
I have NO PROBLEM with the venting…like most of the others here, I say it’s totally OKAY to do. Does it really matter that much that it could be worse, when obviously so much is wrong right now? I know you are fully capable of having perspective- but perspective doesn’t change the fact that things are just plain tough. Hang in there!
And…this may be hard, but do try and get a little something positive in your day- even, like suggested above, simply a nap or wine or, I don’t know, comfort food. Just something to remind you that you Deserve comfort in a trying time and that some things- though they’re tiny- can still make you feel a little better…
I hope 2008 is a fabulous year! We need one of those.
Vent duly noted. And you’re right. I hate the belittling “things could be worse” response.
You don’t need to apologize, or justify, or explain away your feelings. I think if we gals could just admit that sometimes we are overwhelmed, and tired, and unhappy because like Atlas we carry our worlds on our shoulders, we’d all feel better for it. This constant need we have to push ourselves until we collapse in not healthy, and not helping any of us.
You vent away. This is your space. I read your whole email and the parts about sick kids and too many commitments resonated with me, as I’m sure they did with many of us. It’s a hard time of year, and you’ve had a bad run anyway. Try to take it easy and don’t beat yourself up quite so much.
Blech….
As a fellow Virgo here’s to hoping 2008 is a better year for all of us…. I know how you are feeling, nothing has been going right for me either….chin up, and don’t ever feel bad for needing to vent!
Sorry things have sucked lately. If it helps any your gorgeous and I think your pretty cool. Hopefully December will break the funk.
know what’s weird?!?! it’s like bad shit is just going around for people and not going away… i don’t like it. i’m sorry you’re having such a rough time with everything, but … here is a bit of what is going on with us virgo’s-
“Saturn will remain at your side until September 2009, a period of two years, while he puts you through your paces and generally toughens you up a little to be better able to handle anything life throws your way. You will soon assume a lot more responsibility in one area of your life, and you may already have an inkling of what that might be. ”
and yes… 2008 will rock!! more to come! :)
Vent away! I hope things get better.
What about the count your blessings speech? That’s usually the alternate one used when you’re not being reminded of how much worse things could be.
Vent honey, vent. Seems like the crap chute only has two settings: open or shut.
And worry not as my mom would say: “Don’t borrow trouble”. Little P may just be experiencing atypical symptoms from the Coxsackie virus. As I mentioned during our visit, we had some wierdness associated it when F had it. Sadly, though, the other kidlet never got it, so I guess I should be on the lookout :( for some unpleasant times me self.
My kids still haven’t recovered from our vacation. It’s like they’re on crack and I was in that funky-back-to-reality depression until yesterday. But, I could have no legs or something….
Izzy, I’ll listen everytime, and anytime. Vent away.
Test
Yes, it has been the Year Of The Suck all over the blogosphere, it seems. Andrea, over at Little Bald Doctors, and I are thinking of making up t-shirts - The Suck Sisters: The Doom And Gloom Tour. Want one?
Sorry about the crappy times; here’s hoping things turn around soon
…and actually, I sheepishly admit that I make copies at my kids school. It’s a volunteer job not controlled by the supermomfia that I can sneak in and do almost anonymously.
Do you have a Toyota Sienna, by chance? Mine SUCKS with the gas mileage. I want my old van back!
Hope it gets better for you!
Good days are headed your way. A fortune cookie told me so!
thank you.
I have been stuck in a slump of the “poor me’s” for nearly a week now and reading over your trials and tribulations has made me feel silly for worrying about the (relatively) small matters that are bringing me down.
I’m glad you vented because the expression “it could be worse” suddenly made sense when I applied it to my situation. (I couldn’t see how it could be any worse before!)
I hope you get through everything ok!
Oh god, you so deserve the bitch session. Really. I can’t believe you didn’t bitch about the van before, because that is rude and aggravating. I’ve been bitching a lot, and all I’ve had to deal with was two months of sickness. Solid sickness, but still. I so totally don’t feel like dealing with Christmas cards yet… This is why I take lots of time off in December, so I can get sstuff done for the holidays without turning into a grnichy ball of stress! I hope things look up for you, and SOON!
I hope things are looking brighter. If not, vent away. It’s your blog and you can do whatever you want to.
That’s a crapload to deal with. Vent away. Hugs to you.
Sidenote: My FIL passed away Sept 2006 and my MIL has been, let’s say, a challenge ever since.
Aw, Izzy.
That’s a fuckload to deal with. Hang in there.
I know it sounds cliche, but you need Jesus in your life. Check him out, you’ve got nothing to lose. Hang in there; I’m praying for you. http://www.christianity.com/
Aww, sweetie. All of that happening in such a short span of time, that is really rough. And your poor little guy getting that dreadful virus, too. Hopefully your daughter is just getting a short cold.
I would do anything I could for you at any time, I hope you know that. You are a treasure to me, whether you are venting or not. Take care of yourself.
That’s OK sweetie, let it rain.
I can’t imagine. I hope things start looking up soon…
Now that I’ve read the back story, I’m kind of mad at your MIL for pushing that awful van upon you!