What About MY Rights?
I only found out I was adopted about five years ago and it was completely by accident that I came across the irrefutable evidence scrawled on the back of a photo of my dad and myself (as a baby) where I was referred to as his “adopted” daughter by someone whose handwriting I didn’t recognize.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. There just aren’t words to describe how I felt at that moment. I had looked at these old family photos, given to me by my sister the year before, a dozen times and never had I seen the writing on the back of that picture until I put it face down on my scanner. I was going to use it to make my dad a father’s day card.
Such irony…
So I confronted my father over the phone and insisted he tell me everything. It was hard for both of us but in the end, I understood why he never told me and why my mom never told me when she was alive and I forgave them.
Of course I still feel very betrayed when I consider that well over a dozen people that were close to me knew this crucial information, including my sister. But I’ve also found peace with it in the ways that really matter.
I found peace because I now know where I come from; because I found my birthparents.
In a nutshell, I contacted the appropriate party in the Department of Vital Statistics to request what’s known as the “non-identifying” information associated with my adoption. This is basically all the information known about my birthparents with anything that would identify them or any details about my adoption stripped out.
I was told the information no longer existed, that the agency had closed and never turned over their records to the state. This information only strengthened my resolve. I flatly refused to accept that this was the end of my search.
After several wrong numbers, three phone calls and exactly one email, I had done what the state couldn’t. I had located the supposedly non-existent records of over one hundred adoptees.
I eventually got my non-identifying information and with one small and seemingly inconsequential nugget of info about my biological grandfather, I was able to locate my birthfather in two phone calls. From him, I acquired my birthmother’s full name and found her on Classmates.com.
After many tense emails with her in which I initially explained that I simply wanted some information, we finally met in person and four years later, I have a pleasant and somewhat close relationship with both birthparents.
But I was extremely lucky.
You see, there are many people out there who have not been able to learn of their parentage, their ancestry, or any of the other elusive information that haunts so many adoptees.
I realize that forty years ago, being pregnant out of wedlock was one of the worst things that could happen to a woman or teenage girl. I’ve read many books and I know the social alienation and ostracization was both systematic and cruel beyond words. I DO understand why adoptions were so secretive.
But what about the adopted children who grow up, both knowing or not knowing of their adoptive status? What about them? What about their rights? What about MY rights?
Doesn’t everyone deserve to know with whom they are forever linked by blood, by shared genes, by shared heredity? Don’t we have a right to know where we come from? To know if we have siblings? Or an important medical history?
As soon as found out I was adopted, so many things started to make sense to me and I quickly developed an insatiable need to know more. When I found out my records were not available, my need only intensified. I had to know who I was. I needed to find my tribe, so to speak.
When I finally did, so many things “fit” and the ability to see that I was like these other two living beings both physically as well as in personality and character brought me a peace I’d been seeking not only since learning of my adoption but really, throughout my life.
The reason I decided to write this because of something I recently read in the NY Times titled “States Urged to Open Adoption Records.” A friend with whom I spoke frequently during my search sent me the link along with a single word… “Finally!”
But there are those who don’t agree, like the American Civil Liberties Union and various anti-abortion groups who feel, despite a lack of supporting data, that women would seek abortions if they couldn’t have closed-record adoptions. I totally disagree with this. You can read why in the comments section where I have responded to a commenter.
Conversely, “States’ experiences in providing this information make clear that there are minimal, if any, negative repercussions,” said the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. “Outcomes appear to have been overwhelmingly positive for adult adopted persons and birthparents alike.”
As noted, I understand that when closed adoptions were the norm and required by law, it was, out of ignorance, thought to be the best decision for all parties concerned but times have changed. Frankly, I don’t think that it was EVER the best decision for the adoptees. We were just babies. We had nobody to speak for us.
Additionally, adopted people are the only class of Americans not permitted to obtain their real and unaltered birth certificates (yes, the state FAKES your birth certificate when you’re adopted). We don’t have the same rights as every other American and it’s completely unconstitutional.
That said, I strongly disagree that one person’s wish to not know their child or remain anonymous can trump another person’s right to their identity.
If a birthmother gives birth in a closed-records state and doesn’t want to be contacted by her child, she should be able to file a “do not contact” request with the state and be required to routinely re-validate the request (the same right to not be contacted should also be afforded to adoptees who wish to not be contacted) but ALL information should be open and available to any adoptee who wants it or at the VERY least, adoptees should be able to have access to their original birth certificates.
Birthparents who wish to know the fate of their surrendered children should also be able to have access to said records.
The adoption world is entirely too secretive. Exactly what are we trying to hide and why? Are the reasons really compelling enough to deny a consenting adult their own birth certificate? The right to privacy argument is, in my opinion, bullshit and if you’ve ever been involved in the adoption community, you’d see just how many birthmothers never wanted secretive, closed adoptions. The few that do are a very, very small minority.
I guess one way to really know how supposedly awful and terrible open records would be is to survey adoptees and birthparents from states where adoption records have never been sealed (there are a handful) and see what they have to say.
I know this is a hot button issue for a lot of people and I just want to say it’s not my intention to diminish the importance of adoptive parents. You are your child’s parents and you always will be. No birthparent or the knowledge of one can ever change that.
And for anyone who is wondering, though they are no longer with me, I loved my adoptive parents with all my heart. Knowing of my adoption and meeting my birthparents could never change that for me, either.
Addendum: Open adoptions can and do work. Secrets, however, NEVER work and nothing stays secret forever. Just ask my family.
Edited to add: You can read some more comments and discourse on this topic here. As per usual, the divisions and opinions are strong but there are some excellent points made in favor of open adoption records. Thanks to Amy for the link.
This is fascinating stuff, Iz. You got a book in there somewhere, Bossy is sure…
hear! hear! i have always thought it completely ridiculous when i hear stories of people searching for their birth parents. it makes no sense to me why that info isn’t available to the children - for medical reasons alone!!! it must feel like you’re walking around with no true sense of who you fully are. there’s a void.
i would lose my mind if i were the one in that situation. i think it’s legally and morally wrong for people to NOT be able to gain all information about who they are and how they came to be. our history is vital to our identity. and for someone to deny us our ability to fully know who we are, for whatever reason, is totally wrong.
could you imagine doing that to someone else? could you imagine walking through your life knowing you had a history that you were completely denying, BUT EVEN WORSE, someone else’s history you were denying them? and it was all okay in the eyes of the law.
like i said before, i think it’s ridiculous, and i really doubt there would ever be anything anyone could say that would change my views on this subject.
We adopted our baby girl from Guatemala, and my husband and I are blue-eyed Gringos, so it’s no secret that she’s not our progeny. But we fully intend to foster a sense of her own heritage and history in her, rather than try to cover it up or gloss over it, and ultimately let her decide how much or how little she wants to know.
I recently met a family who had adopted a girl, domestically, at birth (they wanted a domestic adoption so that she’d look like them). She’s now six years old and has no idea she’s adopted, and she’s showing a few troubling signs. I don’t know the full story at all, but what really bothered me was that within 3 minutes of meeting them at a cocktail party I knew their daughter was adopted . . . and yet she didn’t know herself. That just seemed horribly disrespectful to me, and I hear that feeling echoed in your post. We’re making a deliberate point of revealing very little about Noe’s birthmother to others–even family–because we view it as information that she should learn first, if she so chooses.
By the way, I know this is off-topic, but if you have a moment, check out http://www.generouspour.com, a partnership project I’ve been involved with between Clos du Bois and Share Our Strength, working towards ending childhood hunger in America. There are recipes, entertaining tips and music playlists, along with a full on “party kit” with downloadable invitations, menu templates, recipe cards, votive covers and even donation cards in case you’re moved to turn your feast into a charitable fundraiser to benefit Share Our Strength.
And . . . when you download a holiday song–either an exclusive remix of Like a Star by Corinne Bailey Rae or another featured song–on the site, Clos du Bois will donate $1 to Share Our Strength.
Cheers!
Times have changed. I remember when “adoption” was a dirty little secret.
A childhood friend found out his high school sweetheart was pregnant a few weeks before he started his military training. They decided on an open adoption. They chose the adoptive parents as his sweetheart was 16. Even the friend’s parents as well as and his girlfriend’s parents were still allowed to be a part of this little girls’ life. The adoptive parents often came to the birth grandparents’ homes for parties.
When my friend and his sweetheart got married, the little girl was in their wedding. The adoptive parents named her Cindy, after her birthmom.
The marriage broke up and now Cindy’s at least 16 years old. She’s always known she was adopted. She knows where her birth grandparents live. She knows her parents are no longer together and that it was a very painful split.
My friend rarely calls his bio daughter. His ex rarely calls her as well. I think that although they are very grateful she’s being raised by such wonderful people, they want to keep their distance so she never gets confused — her adoptive parents have been the ones to take care of her and watch her grow. THEY are her parents.
Isn’t HIPAA about medical records privacy? If so, that’s really not the same thing as adoption records. Additionally, birth certificates are only changed upon adoption. if a child remains in the foster care system until they are adults and are never adopted, they will always have access to their OBC so the idea that birthmothers have or are legally entitled to anonymity or privacy is not accurate.
I’m reading this with all the focus on birth mothers, but what about the men (and boys) who get women (and girls) pregnant? What about sperm donors?
Family has been redefined. It’s time to move beyond feeling like the people who participated in our conception owe us rights. Yes, all people deserve to know the truth about their genetic background–as much as it can be known. Even if you have your genetic family tree back 20 generations, there will be questions–it’s biology.
Children/adults who grew up in adoptive families have rights. Of course. Those rights end at knowing the truth of the situation, not names.
I’m betting you’re an adoptive parent. You people are always the most vocal against your own children knowing the truth about themselves. How incredibly selfish of you. It’s not enough that God gave you a child to raise? You have to hide the truth to feel like a ‘real’ parent? If you were a ‘good’ parent, you’d have no reason to fear the truth and no reason to fear your children will choose biology & genetics over a piece of paper. Get over it.
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Every time I read the comments here, I get furious all over again. Those of you who don’t want to know your origins do not have to. Nobody will FORCE you to access that information. For the rest of us that do wan to know, it’s our right. Every other person has access to their real birth certificate. I fail to see why an adoptee should be treated any differently. Also? Birthmothers were NEVER guaranteed anonymity by the law or any other governing body.
I have no personal interest in this, but most people I know who are either adoptees or birth parents feel more complete when the whole picture is known. I have two cousins who are adopted. One of them knows her birth parents, not a happy story but that is not the point. She has a birth-brother who she really enjoys knowing. She was the best daughter my dear aunt could have asked for. Her brother is still wishfully searching for for his birth mom. I know 3 birth mothers who ALL wanted to know where their children ended up.
The world needs to know that many birthmothers DO want to know what happened to their children, that they didn’t necessarily WANT secretive, closed adoptions.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I appreciate your taking the time.