Instant Karma

Do you believe in karma? I do. But until tonight I’m not sure I would have said I believe in INSTANT karma.

See, I have this neighbor with a pool and this morning as I was sitting out on the back porch enjoying some coffee and reading a magazine while I had the whole, peaceful house to myself, I started to notice a rather loud, grinding noise coming this neighbor’s pool pump.

I knew it would only get worse because Neighbor Guy’s pool pump has done this before. It grinded and screeched for 18 hours a day, getting louder with each excruciating day until it finally broke. Only then did I get my back porch and my solitude back.

So anyway, by this evening the noise was so loud the huz and I could barely speak to each other out there and forget about relaxing and conversing like we normally do. It was torture.

So I go over to Neighbor Guy’s house (he’s about 55 and really crotchety) and ask very, very nicely if he would consider turning his pool pump off for a couple hours.

In a very annoyed tone, he informs me that the timer goes off at 10:30pm (it’s currently 7pm) and he KNOWS it’s malfunctioning and that he will be fixing it on Saturday.

So I say, while mentally calculating that it will be over three hours until the unholy racket subsides, “I was just hoping you could turn it off for a little while. I’ve been listening to it all day and it’s very loud, so much so that I can now hear it in the house.

And he says in his typical rude, cranky old bastard tone “Yeah, well I have to look at your trash can sitting out front all week.”

And I say “Yes, I know. But the new ones (we just got these new GIANT blue trash cans provided by the city to work with the new fancy schmancy automated trucks) are so wide, we can’t get it between the cars to put it away.”

(I’d like to note that we have a special paved area next to the street where we put the trash can and it’s obscured by this tree-bush thing. It’s very unobtrusive. He puts his can right IN the street. Idiot)

And he says “Yeah, well you should just move your cars.” And you should just BITE ME!

Now I’m getting pissed but I don’t want to fight with someone I have to live next door to so I DON’T say:

“Yeah, and we have to watch you mow your lawn while your rather unsightly ass is wearing a fricken speedo”

Or

“Yeah, and we have to listen to you blare Rush Limbaugh from your backyard every weekend while you nude sunbathe”

Or

“Yeah, but I have to listen to you gush about George Bush every time I get stuck talking to you and I bet it was YOU that set my John Kerry sign on fire a few years ago, you miserable asshat.”

I could go on and on but you get the point.

So all I say is “I’ll be sure to mention that to my husband” while gritting my teeth and promising myself that we will NEVER bring Monster Can up to the house EVER again.

When I return home, I relate the exchange to my husband and he gets pissed, too.

You should know that we are AWESOME neighbors. We are quiet, considerate, helpful and always friendly and had that butthead ever NICELY asked me to consider bringing the Monster Can up to the house, or anything else within reason, I would have begrudgingly tried to honor his request. Instead he uses it against me. Jerk.

I tell my husband to let it go because I don’t want to have a feud with Neighbor Guy and his Ukrainian mail-order bride (Seriously, the word on the street is he ordered her over the internet) or his teenage mail-order stepson that he works like an indentured servant. It’s just not worth it.

So we get the kids ready for bed and tuck them in and then while I’m out on the porch feeding the cat and musing over how we’re going to survive until 10:30pm, let alone Saturday, the pool pump starts making a new noise. A hideous scraping, clunking, winding down, death knell noise. And then it was very quiet.

Official time of death? 8:30pm

God. I LOVE that instant karma!

Do you have bad neighbors? How do you deal with them?

O Hai You Got Capshinz?

Between my kids’ schools, Brownies, carpool, familial obligations and doing my own work, the very lifeblood has been sucked out of me this past week so in lieu of anything intelligent, funny, informative or heartfelt on my part, I’ve decided I’m going to have my very gifted and extremely attractive readers do the work by captioning this completely bizarre photo of a hairless cat.

Best caption wins a free BlogAd in my sidebar!

The rules are simple: Make me laugh (but please, nothing that even hints at cat-hating because I LOVE TEH KITTEHS!!!)

Click image to enlarge

WTF Wednesday ~ It’s Ba-aaack

Granted, it’s like two minutes until Thursday but WTF Thursday just doesn’t have that same alliterative ring to it so it’s Wednesday until I say it isn’t, dammit!

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It’s not like Walmart doesn’t have enough to answer for already but now someone needs to explain why they’re selling this really f*cked up shirt.

As someone who has experienced the unique displeasure of being stalked, I think it’s rather tasteless, particularly the red blood-like lettering.

Ruth Sheehan of The Charlotte Observer writes:

What’s next?
“Some say it’s rape, I call it hot sex”?
Or “Some call it domestic violence, I say I’m just teaching her a lesson”?

WTF, Walmart???

••••••••

On a lighter note…

I know the ladies will agree that having to squat and pee when there’s no bathroom can be sometimes be a challenge.

First of all, you have to find a place that’s kind of private because squatting down with your arse out there for all the world to see? So not suave.

Second, you have to find a spot where there’s no tall grass or brush because hello? Your hoo-ha is inches from the ground and unless you like that sort of thing, it’s just icky to commune with nature in that way when all you really want to do is take a pee.

Third, if you’re not positioned just so, you WILL pee on your pants. This is a fact. Trust me. And returning to the car, campsite, whatever with pee-soaked pants? Uncomfortable, embarrassing and SO SO SO not suave.

But fear not, my fair ladies. I have THE solution. I give you…THE SHENIS! Yes, someone has actually invented this a very large 12″ golden penis device that will allow you to stand up and pee like a man.

click to enlarge…heh

To be fair, judging by the photos on the Shenis website, it does appear to work but I don’t know…gold just really isn’t my color.

••••••••

Have you checked out Moms Speak Up? Here’s my most recent post. It’s a video all mothers of girls should see.

Happy*

*This post is certified 100% drama, sad stuff and worry-free!

Making me happy:

• Fall. Yesterday was the first day that it seemed like fall (we barely have seasons in FL). The air felt different and the sun seemed a little less brutal and it’s been breezy and I’m in heaven. This is my most very favorite time of the year. For most people, spring is the season they associate with new beginnings but for me it’s always been fall. I feel carefree and cavalier and anything seems possible! (Of course, Florida being Satan’s Buttcrack, it’s likely it will get hot again before we have days like this every day).

• This book. Read the whole article if you have a couple minutes. While I’m not super-conservative in my own life, I kind of am with my kids (anyone who has read some of my rants about hoochie clothes and hoochie dolls and hoochie dolls with hoochie clothes knows this already) so when I read that the author talks about girls and young women rebelling against our culture’s constant sexualization of our gender, I feel happy.

• The state of my marriage. Things between my husband and myself are better than they’ve been in a long time. Do I still have moments of insecurity and doubt about us because of what he did? Indeed, I do. But I talk to him about it instead of acting out, which helps a lot.

Do I still feel scared that he will do it again or do something else to hurt me? Yes…but not often. Is he treating me the way I deserve to be treated; the way I’ve wanted to be treated for so long? Yes!

• The kindness and compassion of everyone who left comments on the post Of Guilt and Grief. You’re an amazing bunch of people. Oh, and all the people who supported me and didn’t give me any crap about wanting to leash my child, you rock, too :)

Thank you to Vicky for giving me a Perfect Post Award for Of Guilt and Grief. I’m honored and humbled :)