No Kid, Huh?
Before I had kids, well, actually way before I was THINKING about having kids, I thought I didn’t want any. It wasn’t because I had a fully-mapped out “life plan” or big goals in which children would have been an impediment. Definitely not that. Burning ambition has never been my strong suit…
I just didn’t have that maternal yen back then. And it wasn’t that I hated children. I simply had no feelings about them one way or the other and seeing as I didn’t ever envision myself being married, it stands to reason that I never spent any time envisioning myself as somebody’s mother, either.
I felt I was destined for bigger things, though I had no idea what those things would be. Of course, looking back on that, I have to laugh. What on earth was I thinking? And smoking?
The biggest irony of all, however, is that I ended up exactly where I never thought I’d be and frankly, becoming a mother, even with all it’s drudgery and sacrifice, is still the best and biggest and most important thing I’ve ever done.
Some people will nod their heads in agreement. Others will scratch their heads because they don’t quite understand. And others still will gag in disgust because they hate breeders, particularly self-congratulatory ones like myself, and they hate children. Not dispassion for us or even dislike for us but hate. They hate me and they think my kids shouldn’t exist.
Now I can understand people not wanting to have children and I don’t think it makes you a bad person to not want to be a parent. I know people who have decided not to have kids and they’re nice, normal, well-adjusted people so far as I can tell and I have no issues whatsoever with their decisions.
I do, however, take issue with those who have a more…extreme point of view; people who feel nobody should have children.
Corinne Maier’s book No Kid: Forty Reasons For Not Having Children is exemplary of this kind of extreme thinking. Maier herself admits the book is “50% provocation and 50% a serious book…”
Maier wrote the book because she has moments in which she bitterly regrets having kids and also as a response to France’s “cult of motherhood”, fueled by generous state subsidies and incentives to have children, which were intended reverse a decline in its birth rate.
Says Maier. “In France, people go on too much about the glory of motherhood and you’re not allowed to talk about all the problems having kids causes…” The Glory? HELLO? Mommy/parent bloggers have already pulled back that particular curtain, thankyouverymuch.
I’m the first to admit that motherhood is hardly glorious. It’s a lot of work. Duh. We all know that. What I don’t dig are some of her ridiculous statements about a child-free France:
“Just imagine. There’d be fewer of us around so rents would be cheaper, it would be easier to get a job and there’d be fewer traffic jams.”
Just who does Maier expect to change her diapers when she’s a miserable ninety year old? I have a newsflash for you, lady… No new babies being born = a city full of old people with nobody to care for them.
Now, I’m sure her statements are somewhat tongue-in-cheek and primarily intended to provoke and rile up oversensitive mommy-types like myself and I can accept that. Ann Coulter does that crap all the time but SOME of the COMMENTS in reference to an article about Maier’s book are kind of sad and disturbing (and very poorly written).
Here are some of th comments, verbatim, with my own (biased) responses following in italics:
Corinne is fantastic! Having children is a form of environmental pollution. We need less people consuming unconsciously the blood and life of this planet. — Andya , Coulson, UK
It’s too bad your mother didn’t share your philosophy, Andya. But hey…since you think the world needs less people, perhaps you’d like to sacrifice yourself in the name of of your convictions?
•••Overpopulation creates pollution (think about that , Mr A. Gore, having 4 (!) children). My wife and I are also childfree and loving every minute of it! Let’s abolish child benefit and the world will be a nicer and cleaner place. — john, ghent, Belgium
Dude, I know. I can’t believe they gave Al Gore the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean he has FOUR children. OMG! But seriously, John, who has done MORE to stop Global Warming? You and your happily child-free spouse or Al Gore?
•••
I never wanted a child but because of a highly correctable mistake we ended up having one. The result for me was something that I never experienced before…total collapse and depression. Real depression. I became a stay-at-home dad, moving away from my home town of Toronto where I had a wonderful job and a marvelous group of friends, to Ottawa, a provincial, conservative and unfriendly town where I know no one. Furthermore, the child that I care for is loud, confrontational and has “special needs” as he has Asperger’s Syndrome, a flavour-of-the-month problem that supposedly denies the kid any social elan, which is certainly evident in this kid. Now I am poor, looking for low wage jobs and I am lonely and depressed. AND I HATE IT! Ms Maier’s book cannot correct the stupid error, but it it so refreshing to know that I am not alone. After reading the responses on this page, I really know that I am not alone. Thank you, Ms Maier. You are a true friend. — John, Ottawa, Canada
I’m very sorry to hear that you are suffering from depression but you know, there ARE treatments for that. Perhaps a visit to your doctor is in order, no? And by the way, Asperger’s is NOT a “flavour of the month problem.” Are you really that ignorant? He is your child, your flesh and blood. How can you be so cruel? In my not very humble opinion, you give creedence to the idea that some people shouldn’t procreate and it sounds like your son would actually be better off without you (and your negativity) in his life.
•••
I agree completely with Corinne. I have a 3 yrs old boy myself and seperated from his father. I’d give a lot of money to turn back the clock. It sounds cruel but it is the truth! But if you say that openly to anyvbody in your social circle, your a bad mother or even a bad person… — Caroline, Barcelona
Perhaps this will sound cruel as well, but why don’t you give your son up for adoption? You don’t want him but I can assure you somebody out there does and he would be much better off with them rather than having a mother who wishes he were never born.
•••Less truly is more. haha! — molly, akron, ohio, us
Ahahaha, Molly! You’re sooo clever ;)
•••
Well, when we don’t multiply as a society, then our oh so pleasant society will cease to exist in 1-2 generations. And the other societies, you know, the less pleasant ones but with so many children, will claim the space with the remaining inhabitants. It’s that simple. — Esme, Prague, CZ
Finally, a voice of reason.
•••
Presumably the proudly childless will be expecting the offspring of the fertile to do all the work when they’re retired, man the hospitals, give them their medicine. Imagine if the work generation went on a tax strike. Why should their taxes go to pay for the welfare of those who didn’t want them to be born? — Guy, London, UK
Well said, Guy!
I’ve been reading this fascinating book called “The Nurture Assumption” and in it the author spends some time discussing how differently people parent today in the modern, urbanized world as compared to “traditional” societies (think villages and tribes etc). Even in just my lifetime, parenting has changed quite a bit.
For example, my parents never sought to entertain or stimulate me and didn’t even play with me all that much and that was NORMAL. And my parents certainly didn’t worship me or worry about boosting my self-esteem and college marketability every waking minute of the day. And that was NORMAL, too.
This is all to say that I know some parents (Not ME, of course. Heh) are kind of nuts and do some insane things that make them really easy to hate (Mandarin classes for toddlers anyone?) but wishing children away is not the solution.
Have you seen the movie “Children of Men?” hile I totally get that it’s a work of fiction, it paints a very, very grim picture.
•••
For those of you who aren’t all anti-parents, anti-kids, I have some interesting news about a cool new mommyblogging anthology coming out next year. I’ll have a little something published in it, along with pieces by a TON of awesome bloggers that make me swoon when I think of the good company I’ll be keeping between those pages!
It’s called The Best Little Mommyblogging Anthology Ever and our fellow author and editor, Rita of Surrender, Dorothy, has worked tirelessly on this project for over a year. I am humbled by her abilities and mad skillz and just so thrilled to be included. Please pop by Rita’s place and check out the long list of contributors and maybe give her a ‘lil high five action because she truly deserves it!
•••
And finally, the caption contest winner will be announced in my next post! Stay tuned.
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Jeez. Maclean’s up here did a huge report on the slow down in births in Canada, highlighting many different facets of the story you mentioned above (France’s approach, the need to have a career, etc).
The bottom line is that the above individuals need to make a choice:
1) Accept the reality that a growing population is needed to support the existing population as it ages, and subsequently their care is what “pollutes”.
2) Accept a finite lifespan in a society where euthanasia is law.
As human society evolves, and its knowledge expands, its members live longer lives. Subsequently, there needs to be more humans to accomplish the necessary tasks to allow all humans to live their full lifespan.
Yes, it is difficult to be a parent. Yes, it is expensive. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it.
Yes, we are consuming our natural resources and need to find alternatives. But cutting the birth rate isn’t going to help.
As someone who has chosen to be “child-free”, I would like to say that it is opinions like this woman’s that give people like me a bad name.
It’s a very individual and personal choice. I don’t hate kids. I like them very much! I just don’t want any of my own.
I don’t wish to defend this woman. But I will say that in Europe women seem to have reacted as if her book was ENTIRELY tongue-in-cheek.
I loved your responses to those reviews. Hilarious!
Exactly!! My husband and I have been married 5 years and are both 27 years old…and we don’t want children right now, and don’t know if we ever will…and there are a variety of reasons for this, but the top one being we just DON’T, and we don’t want to have kids unless we actually want them!
We have 9 nieces and nephews (on his side of the family alone!) and LOVE them like crazy, but….but we don’t want our own children. It’s hard when often, only extremes are represented…I’m sure Assertagirl would agree that being lumped with the people who wrote the comments that were quoted would be something we would NEVER want! We’re not like those people!
And I LOVE reading mommyblogs :) Just because I don’t want my own children doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the struggles and triumphs of parenthood and children…and the good writing of the parents, too! :)
The author says it’s 50% provocation and 50% serious so yes, it’s partly tongue-in-cheek. My gripe is not with her inasmuch as some of the ignorant commenters on the article I refer to.
Amy (Assertagirl),
When I was mentally compiling my list of nice, normal, non-wacko people that I know who have chosen not to have children, you were among them. I know you’re not like that.
It’s unfortunate that those who have opted out of having kids are being represented by such extremist nuts like some of the commenters I quoted.
But what is the point of the provocation? Other than getting attention? To be honest, I think the “cult of motherhood” is dead. I think the (narcissistic Western?) world is far more swamped by stories and complaints of how hard it is. To the point where it almost encourages new mothers to become overwhelmed and depressed. That’s what I see happening. Maybe I should write a “provocative” book, castigating all those mothers who told me all the things I would never be able to do, and all those health care professionals I had to deal with when my son was born who kept trying to shove social workers on me because I was single. The only thing which upset me when I became a mother was everybody being so bloody miserable when I was happy.
So it’s work… We all know that. So we give birth to people, not dolls… We all know that. And if we didn’t know that going in, it’s our level of awareness which is a problem, not motherhood itself.
Sorry. The issue makes me rant, but you made me laugh.
How timely. As I announced my pregnancy with baby number 3, I received my fist troll comment from someone who feels, rather strongly, that I should NOT be having another child. I am puzzled by this, thinking isn’t the point that we all have choices?
I am sad for the child with Aspergers. With the right parenting this child could turn out to be the person who cures cancer. Every child holds potential. Every great person started as someone’s child.
And I LOVE the Al Gore comment! Too funny!
Well done, Izzy. Thanks for this!
I think that every person is different and is also allowed to change their mind. I am a very happy “mommy” but it isn’t everyones dream to be that. I think that if you are doing what you love then you are successful!
I love this smart, insightful response. You GO, Sci-Fi Dad!
Izzy as always you have found a great topic to blog about! I always enjoy a good jab at ignorance!
Wow, if things are left up to that author the species will die off in under 100 years. More crack cocaine for her, Bossy supposes.
Your comments here are great. I’ve been thinking about this since I first heard the term “crotch droppings” at BlogHer 2006, of all places. I had no idea until then that there were people who so vocally hated children.
Thanks for the book mention, as well - I think the title is in flux, but I’ll be sure to update you when it’s finalized. It’s going to be gooey, cremey, kid-infested FABULOUS.
umm, this post made me throw up a little in my mouth (because of the book and its contents, not you dear Iz). gaaaaah. (sorry, am now in a dark place beyond language)
I just can’t fathom the idea of stating - or even implying - that you wish your children hadn’t been born, as some of the book commenters did.
Yes, it’s hard. No, things don’t always turn out as planned. Yes, some people have children that - for whatever reason - they can’t support (financially, emotionally, or otherwise). But the children are the innocent parties here.
It’s funny how those who think people shouldn’t have kids will be depending on the children of those of us who do to pay their social security and be their doctors and nurses when they are older. Do they think that fully developed caretaking adults will just magically appear when needed?
Izzy: I actually find people like this woman abominable and agree that they are the type who give those of us who are childfree a bad name. I’ve been a teacher and also supervised visits between parents/children in the state system because I do think the children that are already here need so much love and support. My husband and I have chosen to be childfree for a variety of reasons, but I still like children. I can’t imagine hating kids enough to say that no one should have them. I was my sister’s birth coach and, to this day, I call my niece my “only child” since I don’t plan to have any of my own. I love my niece so much and, if I lived closer, would spend so much more time with her.
I’m glad you know that some childfree people aren’t child-haters. I shudder to think what would happen if even a quarter of the world’s population hated children. Things would be worse than they are today for the children I see and hear about daily: abused, abandoned, and needing so much love. Children have a right to be here, be loved, and be welcomed into our society.
it’s sad, isn’t it, when people take their own bitterness and project it onto everyone else? I mean, that guy is blaming his child for his move to another city, his less-than-satisfying job, and his dperession? grow up and take responsibility for your own situation, asshat.
Crotch droppings? That’s probably the worst phrase I have ever heard.
It’s funny, really, this sense of entitlement that people have these days. The expectation that there will be others’ offspring to care for them in their old age, to provide the necessary fund via taxes, to continue our society, and yet at the same time to be so incredibly rude about others’ decision to bring children into this world. Can you imagine 30, 50, 100 years ago people having this type of “conversation” (I use the word loosely, because any discussion that involves the phrase “crotch droppings” cannot truly constitute conversation in a civilized world.)
(And, to be clear, I don’t believe that all childless individuals are selfish, overly entitled or rude. Just those like the writer of this book and the commentors to the article.)
I know way too many people that are struggling with infertility, miscarriage, and failed adoption right now, so this particular post makes me feel so incredibly sad and defeated… and we wonder why there’s so much hate in the world.
It’s not so much the people that don’t want children of their own that upsets me, it’s the people that despise that children they already have.
I want to take each and every one of those unwanted children and give them a loving home and lots of hugs and kisses…
By the way, you’re comments are spot on, Izzy! Well done!
That dude with the Asperger’s kid needs serious help or therapy or something. Or maybe the kid needs a different family. Yeesh. I am sorry about that!
I do think the earth is overpopulated. Our growth and resource use are totally unsustainable. Fisheries are collapsing, air quality is declining, waters are polluted. But people don’t actually need to worry about this, because nature will kill us off without any input on our part. Might be a virus, might be famine, but it WILL be something. Children born today will be brought into a world of increasing scarcity and wars over basic resources like water and food. But somebody needs to reproduce, so it might as well be people who like to do it.
My husband and I married when I was 30 and he 36. He brought with him to the marriage two daughters from a previous marriage. We were content with two children and didn’t plan on having more, but we decided that if I did become pregnant, then we would be happy. When I did become pregnant (after about 10 seconds), I thought that my husband would be the main caregiver for the new baby. He was already a father. He knew how to handle children. I was a selfish, only child and a busy career girl with no previous baby experience. In my mind, having a baby was like a company buying a subsidiary – in this situation, the baby wasn’t under my direct division, but I would provide necessary support as needed. Go team, go – let’s acquire a baby!
Realistically, I knew that the baby would require my attention, but I viewed the forthcoming baby like I would view a charity asking to host an event at my house – I knew there would be work to be done – plant some flowers, wallpaper the bathroom, buy fresh flowers, and I would probably have to leave work early, but ultimately, the charity staff would handle the details like name-tags and follow-up letters. I would birth the baby, buy the clothes and order the diaper service, but my husband would do the heavy lifting like teaching the baby to walk and helping with any emotional needs, if there were any.
What a shock it was when my daughter, who over-stayed her nine months in my womb by two weeks, was finally knifed out of my gut. After the nineteen hours of wrestling an uncomfortable knot from my uterus, the doctors, nurses and family left my hospital room. It was twilight, and I was staring at the wall in the darkening room wondering what had happened to me. The nurse plunged into the room dragging a streak of fluorescent light with her. She dropped a baby on my lap and left the agitated infant screaming in my arms. The door slowly closed and the harsh light faded – in the dim light I went to work on the little ball of flesh. Instinctively, I undressed the baby and freed her from the hospital clothes that were unnaturally clinging to her body. I, too, took off my mistake of clothing. Skin to skin, I pressed the little baby to my chest and she stopped crying. The power of knowing how to care for this new life was equivalent to the caveman starting the first fire. The “rightness” of this action had enough energy to engulf the hospital in flames. From that moment I knew that my husband was not sitting first chair on this project – I was lead counsel on this case.
The responsibility of being a good mother is overwhelming, as any parent can tell you, and it’s out of fear that I am motivated to do an exceptional job. There is most definitely fear that I will put my children in jeopardy if I don’t raise them well, but there is also the pressure of being fired — by whom, I’m uncertain, but it’s a real, albeit crazy, notion.
Hmmm … I can’t help imagining what the world will look like if all of the mainstream people stop having kids, but the fundies are multiplying like crazy.
It will be a world full of prairie skirts and 80’s bangs.
I’m a Baptist pastor’s wife, so I can get away with saying that! :)
wowza. this is a great post. really upsetting though. just like ann coulter (and my kids have figured it out too): negative attention is still attention. this woman needs to check herself. what a disservice. I have friends that have made the choice not to procreate and I applaud them for knowing themselves. I did not feel the “urge” myself and after battling ppd and a complete identity crisis, I find myself unbelievably in love with my children. Go MOMMYBLOGGERS! Just like you said, the wizard is lifting the curtain on the truth about parenting. Is anything really that black and white after all? Can’t wait to read the book. (the mommy blog book, not the crazy chick book…)
A little while ago there was the whole ‘motherhood is boring’ thing going on in the blogosphere, and I felt the same way about that as I do about Maier and her advocates - how very unfortunate that your children will one day be old enough to discover how very little you enjoy them.
This post brought up lots of responses in me, but I’ll sum up this way: Well said.
As another person who never thought she’d get married and never thought she’d have kids, and truly, truly understands how hard it is (and I have one of those special ed kids), I would NEVER in a million years change any of it.
I could have written the first part of this post. When my husband and I first got engaged, we both agreed that we didn’t want to have children. Not because we didn’t like them, but because neither of us had any experience with them. I had no younger siblings, hadn’t spent time with any babies at all, had never been around a new mother. The first time I EVER held a newborn was when the nurse put Ryan in my arms. Even the fact that we decided to have a child was a shock to both of us, but it was a feeling we just couldn’t deny.
I am very, very sad for the child who’s father resents him for having Asperger’s. And for all the the children who’s parents made the comments you posted. I just don’t understand how anyone can hold their child and not fall deeply in love with them, no matter who they are.
The book sounds exciting, I can’t wait to see the final result!
(Did my comment just get eaten?) (ARGH!)
I felt similarly about parenting as you describe.
However, I always thought children to be beautiful and vital. And they are!
So to hear such irrational hatred of them is deeply disturbing…even more so when it comes from people currently parenting children…
Just a thought for the father of the child with Asperger’s Syndrome: the condition is hereditary and 80% are male.
Your kid got it from a parent — and it sounds very much like it may have been you.
As the Aspie son of an Aspie mother and father of five Aspie kids, I have a little insight into the condition.
It may be worth seeking a diagnosis and some professional help if it’s available to you. It certainly turned my own life around.
The book is crazy, but those book commenters are even more crazy. I have absolutely no problem with people who don’t want kids. I think highly of people who can think about their own wants and needs, and know that a child isn’t for them, despite society’s pressures.
But those people who said they didn’t want the kids they had? Wow, that made me sad. Sure, we all have thoughts of wishing we didn’t have our kids, but to fixate on those thoughts is a sign of needing some counseling, or maybe giving a child up for adoption.
My husband’s mother had a child when she was a teen (his half-brother), then gave the boy up for adoption when he was 2 because at that time in her life she didn’t want a child and didn’t want to resent him. That boy was given a much better life because of her actions.
Maybe the dad of the Asperger’s kid and the divorced mom of the 3 year old should think about adoption. Kids can pick up on stuff like that - they know when they’re not wanted.
Confession: When I was in grad school and a t.a. in a freshman compostion class, 22 years old and full of moral certainty, I received a paper from a student about the joys of growing up with A LOT of siblings (8? 10? something like that). I wrote on it that I was glad she had a happy childhood but nowadays it was morally irresponsible to have so many kids. I cringe to remember it. If I remembered the student’s name I would google her and send her an apology, eighteen years late.
I have two kids of my own now, and I still wouldn’t have more than that more environmental reasons (this is actually the topic of my last blog), but that’s my decision and other people are entitled to their own decisions. My sister has decided not to have any of her own biological kids for similar reasons but might adopt. If she thinks I’ve been morally irresponsible for reproducing, she hasn’t let me know. Live and let live.
My opinion is that any idiot can write a book, just look at OJ Simpson.
My other thought- to mix 2 different sayings- is this: opinions are like @ssh*les, and this lady wouldn’t know her elbow from her @ssh*le. ;)
I think the crazy’s are getting more abundant.
Honestly, I’m happy for these “childless warriors” that decide not to reproduce. We don’t need them passing on their stupidity. It when they actually have ears in the government that I would start getting really worried
“Suckassiness” is the best category ever.
I never, ever wanted kids. Especially not at the tender young age of 18. But I would NEVER wish my kids had never been born. I sometimes joke that I’m going to sell them, but I woul die without them in my life. Never wanting kids and ending up with 2 is very hard, but pretty great at the same time. Those people are ignorant and their children are the ones that are going to grow up to be serial killers, cult leaders or followers and the all around unredeemable criminals of our time. Yay to them for being complete ignorami. That leaves us smart ones who actually care and love their children to rule.
What can I say? It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love!!!
But I understand it’s not for everyone…it’s a personal decision you must make based on your lifestyle.
Parenting is not for everyone that is for sure. I commend people who don’t have kids for the right reasons (not a kid person, never wanted kids etc…) Its all about personal choice. Kudos for your blog and responses. I would have nothing to laugh about if I didn’t have kids. I probably would have nothing to cry or swear about either. What a boring world this would be without my kids…
YIKES. Its sort of disturbing how this woman put out a book. I wonder what her children are going to think of the book when they get to their teen and adult years? I wonder what she’ll think when see has grandchildren?
And congrats on essay that will be in the bloggers anthology book. How exciting.
Wow, did you generate conversation and opinion. Great post, I hate the no kids person…and not because she doesn’t like kids..because she reminds me of what a psycho must be like….
I enjoyed your comments…
Dorothy from grammology
call your grandma…
I wrote a brief post about this at the end of August: Angry Woman Writes Book, Hates Children and added some quotes from the piece in the comments:
“Of course, millions of parents will read this and get all defensive and think that it’s all worth it because those angels of theirs are sweethearts. But they’re not: they’re little savages.”
“Things haven’t changed and little children are just as unpleasant and annoying as they ever were, except that as a parent you’re not even allowed to fight back now.”
“More murders and child abuse happen within families than outside them - every family is a nest of vipers: all the more reason not to add to your own.”
“Instead of pitying the child-free, we should be envying them, I know I do. Because as a mother-of-two I know better than most why having children is a big mistake.”
I really think she’s just trying to sell books.
However, I can’t imagine how her poor children must feel!
Well, France will soon be a very different place at any rate with the birthrate below replacement rate except for a group of immigrants that they aren’t assimilating.
Two things:
I found you via the eBeansTalk blog, and
You are going on my Google reader
I’m not sure what to say other than the individual excerpts from the book left me feeling a little sick in the stomach. As a mother of three kids, one of whom has “issues” that include SID and possible Aspergers (we are still going through evaluations), I certainly have my share of “bad” day. However, I would never wish for a life without them. They mean everything to me.
What a horrible, horrible woman she must be.
And Ann Coulter drives me insane.
Well said Izzy!
Apparently all the people in the world without a brain managed to get into that book.
I cannot believe the people that wrote that horrible stuff about their children, are actually their biological parents. It’s SO cruel and heartbreaking.
I can’t take it too seriously because I know these are people with problems. We see them daily on the street, in cafes, passing by schools, sneering at children and permeating the air with their joylessness.
As another formerly sworn childless woman like you, I understand why some people don’t want kids. But why no one should have kids? It’s more than stupid, it’s sad. Nicely done Izzy.
I usually never read long posts because I’m incredibly lazy but this one? Totally worth it.
I’m with you, sister.
This is the best post I\’ve ever read. Well, I respect couples who doesn\’t want to have kids maybe for a moment but I hope not forever. Because having a child is the best gift you can ever had…I promise. Seeing your kids while small playing and having tantrums is just like seeing you while you were a kid. My son got most of his attitude on me. That\’s why I\’m so flattered when people says he is more of me…He is my Mini Me…
I know it is hard to be a parent esp. being a mother. Motherhood is hard.
Being a parent is a choice. No one can judge you if you don’t want to have kids. At least your not messing the responsibilities of a parent. I’ve known some who had kids, it’s not that they don’t want to have but they are not just a “parent material”.