Betrayed ~ The Update

I feel a little silly saying this, like I’m giving a speech or something, but before I embark on another post about the status of my marriage I’d like to thank each and every one of you that left comments and sent private emails of support.

There are simply no words to describe how much they meant to me and how much they helped me to not feel so alone during one of the most gut-wrenchingly awful times of my adult life.

I’ve spent a lot of time away from my computer these past few days but during the times that I would sit down to check my email, it wasn’t at all unusual for me to be in tears as I read your words and felt your collective arms propping me up when I needed it the most, sharing your wisdom and in some cases, your own trials in similar circumstances…

I wish there was some way to show you how much I appreciate the way all of you, both friends and total strangers, reached out to me. I wish there was a way to somehow repay you for your kindness. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to thank each of you personally, though I wanted to, and I want you to know that EACH AND EVERY email and comment was read and re-read and your words and well wishes were taken to heart.

You’ve helped me more than you know. Thank you, my friends.

••••••••

I’ve spent the past several days thinking deeply about my life, my marriage and my children. During the day, my husband and I try to be “normal” for the kids. No matter what I’ve been feeling inside, I want things to carry on as normally as possible for them.

We’ve spent several long evenings talking very honestly about a lot of things; things that we should have sorted out a long time ago. If anything good has come out of this, it’s that.

I’m still very hurt about the way he betrayed me — and with whom. My stomach still churns and roils every time I think about it. Or even if I do something as simple as look at the chair on our porch that he sat in for months both iChatting (voice chat over the internet) and emailing so intimately with his ex. Right under my nose, I might add.

I still feel like a total idiot for not trusting my instincts when a few months ago I noticed him being very secretive about his email (closing it every time I came near his computer) and asked about him about it.

I still wonder if I will ever be able to trust him again.

And yet, after much soul-searching and a lot of talking and a lot of brutal honesty, I feel like there’s still a chance for us if I want there to be.

I know you might be wondering how any woman in her right mind would choose to stick around for another potential helping of humiliation…

A woman who cares about her family, I guess.

A woman who is herself not perfect.

A woman who, while married (before kids), found herself tempted by another but had the good sense to move away from the edge of that particular abyss before it swallowed her whole.

I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to ruin my marriage even though this other person made me feel wanted and desirable and special in ways my husband no longer did.

And yes, it still stings to think about the fact that my husband didn’t give me that same consideration.

We both realize now that we were much younger and much less mature when the seeds of our current problems were first sown and we didn’t even fully realize what was happening to us. We didn’t know how to fix what we didn’t understand.

Some big walls went up between us and while we were still happy enough to be able to make our marriage work in most ways and even start a family, we put “us” and our issues on the back burner for a really, really long time. I suspect a lot of married couples do this, ignoring the elephant in the room until it gets so big that something has to give.

In our case, that something was this.

A betrayal.

An “emotional” affair that, given enough time, might have resulted in a physical affair.

When I strip away everything else, any sort of understanding of how we got here, I still feel angry as hell and hurt and deceived and foolish and everything else that goes along with such a betrayal.

But life doesn’t exist in a vacuum so the “hows and whys” of how we got here are pivotal. And while I in NO WAY blame myself for his selfishness, for doing what he did, I am at least partially to blame for our pre-existing problems. I know that much is true and for that I do accept my part of the responsibility.

And what does he have to say about all of this?

To paraphrase:

He didn’t do it “to me” or rather, he didn’t mean to. It just happened. BLECH!

It became a distraction from real life and the challenges and responsibilities that come with it. This I somewhat understand

It was an ego stroking for him. This, too

He still loves me. I believe this

This didn’t happen because of any shortcomings on my part. I want to believe this

He says if he’d never been deceptive in the first place about the fact that she’d contacted him, maybe it wouldn’t have become this secret, illicit fixation and they would really be JUST friends. Knowing what I know now and what I know of her, I can only say that I’d never be okay with it.

He has agreed willingly to cut ties with her.

He still thinks counseling would be good for us.

He’s answered all my nine million questions. I believe he’s been honest, even at the risk of causing me pain.

I’ve made it clear that any sort of reconciliation is contingent upon his severing of all ties with her. They can’t be friends. They can’t be friendly. They can’t be anything. I’ve gotten no argument about it.

My one remaining concern is that later this year he’s taking a class in the city where she lives. He assures me he won’t see her. Thinking about this also makes my stomach churn.

Make no mistake… I’m still hurting over this. I’m still wary. I’m still second-guessing myself. But as so many of you advised, I need to know that I gave it my best shot. I need to know that I did everything I could. And so I’m trying to be mature and resist my impulses to act out and make things worse and I’m going to give my marriage a chance.

And that’s where we’re at now.

Will we be in a better or worse place tomorrow or next week or next month?

I wish I knew.

••••••••

Again, thank you all for everything. I’m not sure I’d be this sane without your compassion and support.

And thank you to my Apryl, my BFF, for listening to me through all of this, for helping me to be rational when all I wanted to do was cry like a baby and for standing by me through all the the dramas of my life for 30+ years.