I’m Internet Dating
No, no, it’s not what you think. Though some would probably cheer me on if I was out looking for a new man, that’s not quite the case.
I’m actually looking for moms to date. Well, not to date exactly but something like that. I want to meet them for kid playdates during the day and for grown-up playdates at night.
I’ve decided that I need to find some local friends as cool as the ones in the little white box on my desk (uh…that would be you guys). My closest IRL friends live in other states and my friendships here with other moms are mostly based on the friendships shared by our kids.
It’s not that they aren’t nice people because they are but I’m not sure I can spend one more afternoon with someone who doesn’t get my sense of humor or weird pop culture references, who doesn’t understand irony or someone who doesn’t appreciate or utilize sarcasm from time to time. Am I shallow or narcissistic because I want to be with people who are more like me?
I just know my tribe is out there somewhere so, at the recommendation of a very lame local mom website, I’ve started perusing Meetup.com and looking for moms or mom groups in my city that sound like my kind of people. This is where it starts to feel like dating.
Let’s see…there are the working moms groups, the homeschooling moms groups, the moms groups identified by their locale, the Christian moms groups, the “Chic Moms” group and the “MILF” moms group, just to name a few.
I’m not sure I fit with most of the aforementioned but I’m intrigued by the MILF group because I’m curious to know what women who identify themselves as such are like. Are they wild and crazy? Fun loving? Exceedingly attractive? I have no idea but I’m betting they’re not gonna be scrapbooking or playing Bunco on Friday nights and that’s a pretty big plus in my book.
The “Chic Moms” are probably not my type at all. I may not be trouncing around in mom jeans or holiday-themed sweatshirts but I don’t own any pricey handbags and I don’t buy trendy, expensive, designer clothing because I’d rather have something like an iPhone or a lot of massages or Thai every Friday night. So yeah…my lack of “chic” might be a turn off for them and probably not lead to second date.
And there’s always The MOMS Club. Nothing against TMC as I used to belong to one and even founded a chapter, but I’m just so tired of everyone putting their Perfect Mommy masks on and never taking them off.
It may not be like that everywhere but here? Those mommy masks are welded on pretty damn tight and I just can’t hang out with people who won’t admit that parenthood is hard and sometimes isolating and frequently all-consuming.
I can’t hang out with people who never swear and never lose their tempers and won’t admit that they look forward to bedtime. Their kids bedtime.
I just can’t.
Is it me? Am I being too picky? Is it wrong to not want to compromise anymore?
When the hell did making friends get so hard and so farking complicated?
Omg, I have been thinking the same thing. I chickened out though after the first group I joined turned out to have a combined IQ of 60000, I turned and ran(not that I am stupid by a long shot but we had nothing other than the fact I knew what all their big words meant!). Be brave, all you need is one person as nutty as you and suddenly the nutcase world is your oyster and you will have a life once more.
Aaargh! I am going through this same thing right now, since we just moved to a new town a month ago. I am going to a playgroup on Friday, and I keep thinking, ” What should I wear? Will they like me? Will I like them? What if they think I’m a big dork?”
I thought I was done with the whole dating thing when I got married 10 years ago, but here I am doing it again.
And it sucks.
We can meetup! I lose my temper a lot but am really not cool. I don’t scrapbook and am not really sure what bunco even is for sure. By no way would I be a MILF with all this extra weight hanging around. I like long walks on the beach and dinner by candlelight. Wait. Wrong ad… email me :)
Give it up.. you don’t need to find a group of moms to sit around and gab about your kids and ungrateful husbands.
What you need is a gay.
Advertise yourself as a hag in need of a fag, and you’ll find the best friend you could ever hope for… and if you’re really lucky, you might just double your shoe collection. :)
Could you please just move into my neighborhood? I’ve ‘been there/done that’ too (Bunco? Oh God. Moms Club? Eh. How can I meet some many women and have none as friends?) I almost wrote about this very subject—I am starting to feel like I either smell or am just destined to have made all my friends before the age of 30 (I’m 40 now).
But, pleasepleaseplease meet the MILF Club. I HAVE to hear what these women are like!
I think it gets hard once you realize that actually liking your friends is a good thing.
I wish you were up for another long distance relationship, because I’d totally date you.
My rule of thumb in the last couple of years is to never wear a mommy mask. People start being real and raw when you approach them in the same way. When I met Kimberly to drive to Chicago (THE MORNING WE WERE LEAVING! How scary is that?) One of the first things I said to her is “Thank God you’re not all prissy - I can’t handle that crap,” which made her laugh. I was SO relieved she was cool. And by cool I mean relaxed, real and omg so much fun.
Oops…I meant to say Good Luck! Be yourself - you are wonderful!
I wish you lived closer - I would so love to date you!
All mommy masks need to be burned! A mom who can’t admit that this is a damn hard job is not a mom I want to hang out with.
This is a great idea. You got to have real flesh-and-blood friends.
I’d be all over the MILF group. Give it a go!
Why don’t they have match.com for moms? Because I have certain criterion that include swearing, drinking and aversion to sharing birth stories.
Have you considered the Angry Moms? We can be fun! I’m sure there’s a chapter where you live.
I am so in the same situation. We moved 90 miles from all of my friends & family and I have not had friends here since we moved.
Where are all the cool moms and how can I meet them?
And then? And THEN??? After you meet someone with whom you totally click? Someone who gets your sense of humor and enjoys sarcasm and doesn’t mind that your car is a pit or that you sometimes expel wind from one end or the other? Then she up and moves to WISCONSIN. And has the gall to take your son’s best friend with her.
grumble…grumble…grumble…
I could go for some real flesh and blood friends, too. Real friends that I can tell everything to. I have loads of “friends” who are moms at PunditGirl’s school — nice enough to hang out with for a bit on the playground or having coffee at a play date. But the women I’m really close to are scattered all over the country. I was just really getting to know one great woman when their family moved for the husband’s job.
I need another one like her who is close by — and so do you. You’ll find her. And, of course, we’re not going anywhere. ;)
Oh, I am so there. And, I totally agree with getting a gay. My husband knows one via work that is a personal stylist. Snap. I’ve been thinking about stalking him. I want him to raid my closet and make me throw away my dork clothes in a sarcastic “What Not to Wear” fashion. We would have mojitos and go shopping and oggle hot guys together. And, I would look so hot in the ensembles he picked out for me that I could join the MILF group, too.
I’m going to check that site out. I need friends (who live close by), too. Where are these chicks? I can’t be the only one here.
Okay, went to meetupdotcom and there are no mommies or cool chicks of any type that seem to suit my personality. Just vampires—yes vampires, Prince fans, knitters, and top models (only 21 in that group). I live just outside of a major metropolitan area. I’m assuming the cool people here have already found each other and don’t need a group. Sigh.
Jodi, I’m totally feeling you, except mine moved to Montana, then the other one died in a car accident. It’s been five years and I still haven’t found my perfect local “sister.” So everyone? Please move to my neighborhood - it’s cute and affordable and we could walk to get really good coffee and we could drink wine in the backyard while the kids play. Please???
Oh and Izzy, for reals, if you don’t meet the MILFs and tell us all about it, I’m kicking your a$$. And you know I totally could. But if they don’t work out, check out a Unitarian Universalist church. That’s where most of my friends are (including my gays, without whom I would have died of loneliness years ago).
You have so beautifully articulated my issues with meeting people and making friends. I can’t seem to do it either. But, since I actually live within 20 miles or so of you, maybe we should get together and try to rectify that.
I know what you mean! It’s hard to find cool women to hang out with these days. Fortunately for me, I found a little group of four gals that I meet up with once a week… We eat dinner at someone’s house, watch episode on episode of Sex and the City, and all just yuck it up! Good luck!
It has been very hard for me to find real friends after having kids. It’s been 6 years now and I still have not found one real friend. I’ve also not found a mommy group that isn’t fake. It sucks!
I could have written this post! I have 2 friends that I had in high school that I talk to once a month or so, I have a few work friends (I am the boss in my office so it’s hard to be “friends” with the minions,) I have horse friends that I have known for years and there are a few sports Mom’s that I talk to but I do NOT want to call friends. I can’t get involved in the kid dating drama and birthday party invitation drama. I am more than just Gabe and Bay’s Mom, and it seems these SAHM’s at football and soccer don’t feel that way. I am a Mom first of course, but I want/need more than that! I am a Mother, Daughter, Friend, Ex-wife (a darned good one too!) Banker and all the other assorted titles that go along with all those things. I am politically incorrect and I cuss like a sailor. I am not a MILF but I secretly would like to be termed that just for the ego boost! I live in Upstate NY- anyone looking to “date” from this area???
I once approached a mom at a kids function (children’s theatre) and asked if she would mind setting up a play date as girl.imp and her daughter were ‘bff’ in that group.
She looked at me like, ‘back off now mister or i’ll scream rape’
sooo, we are keepin’ it real, ya know! gotta hang with the peeps and ignore the posers!
and hope that the imps drag home some parent friends for us someday…
I’ve also gotten pickier about friends. I just don’t have the time or energy to waste on people I don’t like. And certainly not people who don’ts curse. I’m too old to watch my language.
(BTW - happy belated birthday. I tried to comment a b-day gretting last week but was having trouble loading your page and then, you know, I got lazy and forgot to come back. Anyhoo: XOXOXO)
You can move to Orlando and be in my Lazy Mom group. We’ll never get around to meeting, but we’ll make plans to.
If we lived closer I would definitely love to hang out with ya! I’m not perfect, a perfect mom, a perfectly dressed mom… and me likey the sarcasm. oh yeah, I curse on occasion. I feel like I’m filling out an application LOL!
You know what’s amazing? Kind of, at least as a mom, you have a common ground to start a friendship. As an unmarried non-mom it’s kind of difficult.
I agree with flutter! I’m a married non-mom, so it would be hard to try finding groups for that specific criteria- being a parent does at least give a person a definite starting-off point to have in common with others. I’m also shy and geeky, which makes it tougher sometimes.
But!! Izzy, I think you are doing a good thing by trying to find people you click with- being proactive about it is the only way to do it in our often isolationist society- and if your friends aren’t at least a *little* like you, I doubt the relationships could last long. You have to have some criteria to build on, as long as you’re open for surprise friends in unexpected places.
Also! Totally meet the MILF group. I add my vote! I’m so curious!
Don’t think you’re being picky at all. Kindred spirits are hard to come by. And totally worth it when you do. So keep at it! I think it’s a great idea.
I think it starts in the early to mid-30s, in answer to that question. No, you aren’t being picky, in answer to that one; and yes, I get you 100%. I hope you find the right group.
Funny, Julie from Learning and Laughter posted about this same topic today!
Julie
Using My Words
I don’t think you’re too picky; or maybe, I’m just as picky and see nothing wrong with it!
All my childhood friends are childless, and beyond them, I don’t hang out with any moms. I don’t know know any “like me” (the one I’ve met through my blog lives far enough that we can’t hang regularly), and I’m not about to start hanging out with moms who are so fake and plastic that it makes me want to slap them. Or maybe I should, it would make for good blogging material. :-) My forays into the meetup sites and such have resulted in sheer frustration, as I’ve mostly come across much younger new moms who are so not on the same page as me that it’s pointless.
I understand. Like SM said, it’s hard to find kindred spirits… so do what you have to do until you find some gals you really can hang out with!
I know exactly what you mean, and I would totally be your type of Mom to hang out with if we lived anywhere near each other.
You might want to try http://www.mamasource.com. I haven’t personally had a lot of luck meeting similar people on there but maybe your area is different.
You’re definately not alone with this one. And I don’t think you’re being picky at all. I’ve used a few places similar to meetup, without much success so far… good luck to you though.
This is why I spent my entire year at home alone with my girl. Oh, we went for walks and to the park and to the coffee store and so on, but we had no playgroups or mommy groups or anything really but one laptime group for 6 weeks or so. That’s it. I just couldn’t figure out how to break into a group or if I’d want to. It was okay, but it would have been nice to have a couple of friends. Just a couple, really.
And it’s also why I’m sending my new-mommy friend a set of blog links.
OMG! My sentiments exactly! I have a desperate need for REAL friends. Not SuperMoms. I want people who can admit they scream at their kids and don’t bathe them every single day and sometimes let them watch 5 hours of tv in a single day because they just don’t have the emotional stamina to go on any longer.
I’ve done the moms group, too (MOPS). Never again. I sometimes wonder if I am different from every other mom in the world.
Oh I hear you! I feel like I’m living in some strange alternate Stepford sometimes! I belong to a local Meet-up and a neighborhood mom’s group…. both of which I don’t do much with, but I have been able to connect with some women who “get” me. They are few, as I mentioned the “stepfordness” around here, but there are some!
Good luck!
I found some great moms on meetup.com, but it took some looking. The first couple times I met up with mom’s group, they weren’t my type but the third time, I really liked the moms. They were down to earth and friendly.
Well, good luck Internet dating. I know you will find some cool moms out there!
ditto what jester said. trust jester!!!!!!!! ;)
p.s. try meetup.com
i am in a meet up group and i love them OR is it just that they tolerate me? :)
I hear ya sister. I’ve been complaining myself about how having kids the same age is not always the best reason to be friends with someone. I’ve found myself caught in a new town, as well, where I have all these “mommy friends” but I don’t really like any of them. Sounds like if we lived in the same town we could totally hang.
Good luck with the Meetup thing. I had no luck whatsoever on there. And The Moms Club. Ugh. Too Stepford-ish, at least the one here.
I’ve been really, really lucky because the little playgroup I joined has some great women and we’ve become good friends. They don’t have the Perfect Mom thing going on. It’s too bad you don’t live near me or you’d be more than welcome.
I lucked into meeting a bunch of great people in a post-birth hospital group. Otherwise I’d be totally stuck for mom friends. Maybe the MILFs have a good sense of humor?
Happy Birthday!
I’ve started making playdates with bloggers. They have nothing to hide and they already know that you pee when you cough and that your kid can curse in 2 languages so it’s impossible to put on the mommy mask.
Blogger playdates are the best. Why don’t you live closer to me?
OH HELL!
Same over here!
I’m dying to find moms who won’t quiz me on stats - how many words? potty training? height/weight %?
Go away!
I’m with you… need to find!
Any fine moms out there in Rhode Island?
3 boys. Cute. Handsome. 2 of them can talk. Single. With a mom who can laugh, read, cook. And she likes the beach and sunsets. Oh, and white wine.
- Audrey
meeting new people sucks. that’s one thing about being at work that’seasier. there are always people around!
Are there some more blogging moms in your area? There are some over here — we’re finding more and more. And we try to get together for dinner here and there. Its WONDERFUL because you have drinks and talk about all things “unbloggable”. And it didn’t feel like “meeting” someone. It felt like we were just picking up after we left off. Like meeting up with an old friend….
That would be awesome if you could find some chicks like that! Or if you are even in St.L area — especially on a wed nite, I’ve got some chicks i meet up with on Wednesday nights. They are WILD! And fun.
Don’t feel bad, every class or function I have taken my children to I have always felt like “odd Mom out”. My daughter is a social butterfly and can make friends with ANYONE, but I always feel less stylish, less skinny, less “perfect” than all of them.
I wish you lived closer!
I love your blog - you are so right on! I am moving next week and terrified about meeting moms in my new neighborhood. I have a mouth like a sailor and enjoy making un-PC comments at inappropriate times. I am crossing my fingers for both of us. :)
I’m sorry.
I couldn’t get past the part about you trying to date other moms over the internet.
I totally understand what you mean. It’s been a year a searching and still have not found the mom group for me. Wishing you better luck on your search.
Ditto. Let me know if you find anything tall, dark and handsome…just in case.
I almost didn’t want to comment when I saw how many you had. But your post is what my daughter and I just, discussed regarding mothers, she thought were out of her league. So thanks for describing me and my daughter Sherry ..we think were great..and so are you.
Dorothy from grammology…
Quit it! You are way too cool to troll for friends. Show yourself ANYWHERE and the hip people will flock to you. E-mommy-mating sounds painful. No more pain for Izzy!
I agree — other than my one close friend locally, it’s been so hard to find other moms that I click with. And I’m definitely all about quality rather than quantity these days.
I share your sentiments. I’m in need of friends who get me, too. So much so I am trying to start a mother’s group or something. It’s not really working for me just yet! Good luck in the “dating” world! :)
Hi, new lurker here.
I just have to ask…. WHY are you only looking for ‘Mom’ friends? Why aren’t you just looking for friends? I admit I’m a little biased being single with no children but it would never occur to me to look for friends based on their ‘Parent/Non-Parent’- status. I think you should look for friends based on shared interests/common activites.
I do have friends without kids and frankly, they don’t really understand all the things that go along with being a parent. They don’t even try to understand if I have no babysitter then I can’t go out or if I have to cancel plans due to a sick child or that you don’t break promises to your children and the biggie…having kids is NOT just like having pets. People without kids come and go as they please, they generally have more expendable income and they have more freedom. People with kids are a drag to them. In their defense, I was the same way before I had kids, too.
Additionally, when you have kids, you don’t have as much time for activities and interests so you’re less likely to seek out friendships based on something you don’t really have time to pursue.
I was away from the internets for a time and am catching up on all my favorite blogs. I just caught up on yours. I went through something similar with the first husband. I’m so sorry. Solidarity, girl.
Nice blog tho, hows wordpress working for you?
Visit me sometimes , need post guest?
I went through trying to find a mom’s group. There are four groups in my area that I looked into. One was a group of skinny bitches that had never worked in their life, thought their children pooped ice cream and seemed to be totally out of touch with reality.
I went to several meet-ups and met some nice people, but finally gave up going for a while. Once it isn’t 5 billion degrees outside, we will probably go again.
Wanted: a cool mommy who understands that denim is beautiful, being cheap is a necessity, speaking her mind is attractive, high heels are not for playgrounds, and baby wipes can clean faces, hands, butts, and that dropped bottle. You can be a SAHM but must not assume that WOHM’s are miserable and would rather be SAHMs. You see the value of children’s benydryl, noggin, and the occasional piece of cake. You read books of real value but can get down with the trash too. You are unorganized in a very organized way and while your cell phone may be right out of the 1990’s (oh my!), you know that blogs are the new chat rooms. Only serious inquiries, please. MILFs need not apply (no offense, I just don’t want that kind of pressure). If you fit this mold, I live in Westchester and would love to meet you.
Forgive the question if you’ve already said this somewhere, but, erm, where do you live?!
I wish we lived closer, we’d have a blast. Not that I actually know where you live, but I assume not close.
I am I intrigued by Moms Speak Up!
From the # of comments, there are obviously a lot of us in the same boat as you, I wish we all lived nearby. I hadn’t heard of meetup until your post, so I’m excited to go check it out.
And, no, you are not being too picky. It isn’t wrong to not want to compromise anymore. Life is too short for that sh*t.
JUST wrote about Mommy dating myself. And a few commenters mentioned Meet Up. I think I’ll check it out. If only we were just a tiny bit closer. Even meeting halfway would be an hour for each of us.
how’s it going???????????
It is so completely freaky to me how you can be feeling a certain way and randomly go to a blog and find you are not alone.
You gotta have some girls who understand you. You just have to.
I’ve met some good friends through book club, or the kid’s sports and of course school stuff. I know that all sounds really boring, but they’re some pretty cool women. I’m seriously lucky too with a terrific neighborhood. It seemed to get easier as my kids got older. They were involved in more things.
I need something like that too, except looking for other parents who have kids around my daughter’s age.
All our friends are hooked-up, married, gay-partnered, and extremely childless.
Sometimes you want “Cheers” and a guy named Norm who tells you funny stories
totally wish you lived in atl. i’d go out on a date with you any ol’ day of the week.
Ach. you make me feel so lucky. Three of the moms I met when our firstborns were sucking our boobies off and we were like deer in the headlights have become my homies. They are the best and the baddest most irreverant and loving friends a woman can have.
You just come on up here to Toronto and we will show you a good time.
I just now compiled a list of 10 only for moms social networking websites and I am sure you will love it. Please have a look at it and do digg it. http://www.nofullstop.com/2007/09/17/10-everpink-only-for-moms-social- networking-websites/
I was lucky (in an unlucky situation) to find my Mommy BFF at the NICU, where our sons were roommates.
I have found other moms just walking around the neighborhood (the ones with dogs at least), and I have even picked up a few in the baby aisle at our local hippie drugstore.
Chillin’ at the park is also another good place — compliment a rockin’ diaper bag, etc. and you should be well on your way to mommy friend-dom.
Good luck!
I did the same thing. I have been hanging out at my blog less and tracking down some irreverent bitches to hang with, in real life. I can say, without hesitation, that I was inspired by having met all of the wonderful women at Blogher. I figured there must be some foul-mouthed, alcohol-inclined moms, hiding in their houses in MY neck o’ the woods.
I found one!! Woo-hoo!!
Let me just stand up to cheer and say…you won’t be sorry. You have a tribe out there waiting to be discovered by you! Go find them!
that’s one of the multitude of reasons i was so glad when my oldest when to kindy last year: the influx of new possibilities in my barren mommy existence. ok, there was really only one other reason, to get one of the 3 out of the house full-time.
Good for you! I love what you say about the ‘mask’. I was totally taken off guard by that when I became a mom a whopping three months ago, and felt like I had nowhere to go with the “this SUCKS!” moments. On the opposite side of the coin from your quest for mom’s groups, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now by the social side of mommyhood. I live in a small town, and we have a daughter adopted from Guatemala, and I feel a bit bombarded from requests to “get together” from about a dozen different factions . . . and of course I feel guilty about not being able to get together with them all!
Are you in Wichita, by any chance? I’ve been having the very same problem meeting mommy friends who I have anything in common with other than, uh, kids.
WILF? What on earth is a WILF? Sounds intriguing. A cult? Women Igniting Loud Flatulence? Could be entertaining, especially for the kids.
I just stumbled on your blog while blog cruising and your post touched me. I have been there before and felt so left out and in need of a friend. We moved to a new town 6 hours away from ‘home’. I found taking short courses was good for me not only as a learning experience but to meet others with similar interests. That could be an option for you if the flatulent chicks don’t work out :)