Betrayed ~ The Update
I feel a little silly saying this, like I’m giving a speech or something, but before I embark on another post about the status of my marriage I’d like to thank each and every one of you that left comments and sent private emails of support.
There are simply no words to describe how much they meant to me and how much they helped me to not feel so alone during one of the most gut-wrenchingly awful times of my adult life.
I’ve spent a lot of time away from my computer these past few days but during the times that I would sit down to check my email, it wasn’t at all unusual for me to be in tears as I read your words and felt your collective arms propping me up when I needed it the most, sharing your wisdom and in some cases, your own trials in similar circumstances…
I wish there was some way to show you how much I appreciate the way all of you, both friends and total strangers, reached out to me. I wish there was a way to somehow repay you for your kindness. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to thank each of you personally, though I wanted to, and I want you to know that EACH AND EVERY email and comment was read and re-read and your words and well wishes were taken to heart.
You’ve helped me more than you know. Thank you, my friends.
••••••••
I’ve spent the past several days thinking deeply about my life, my marriage and my children. During the day, my husband and I try to be “normal” for the kids. No matter what I’ve been feeling inside, I want things to carry on as normally as possible for them.
We’ve spent several long evenings talking very honestly about a lot of things; things that we should have sorted out a long time ago. If anything good has come out of this, it’s that.
I’m still very hurt about the way he betrayed me — and with whom. My stomach still churns and roils every time I think about it. Or even if I do something as simple as look at the chair on our porch that he sat in for months both iChatting (voice chat over the internet) and emailing so intimately with his ex. Right under my nose, I might add.
I still feel like a total idiot for not trusting my instincts when a few months ago I noticed him being very secretive about his email (closing it every time I came near his computer) and asked about him about it.
I still wonder if I will ever be able to trust him again.
And yet, after much soul-searching and a lot of talking and a lot of brutal honesty, I feel like there’s still a chance for us if I want there to be.
I know you might be wondering how any woman in her right mind would choose to stick around for another potential helping of humiliation…
A woman who cares about her family, I guess.
A woman who is herself not perfect.
A woman who, while married (before kids), found herself tempted by another but had the good sense to move away from the edge of that particular abyss before it swallowed her whole.
I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to ruin my marriage even though this other person made me feel wanted and desirable and special in ways my husband no longer did.
And yes, it still stings to think about the fact that my husband didn’t give me that same consideration.
We both realize now that we were much younger and much less mature when the seeds of our current problems were first sown and we didn’t even fully realize what was happening to us. We didn’t know how to fix what we didn’t understand.
Some big walls went up between us and while we were still happy enough to be able to make our marriage work in most ways and even start a family, we put “us” and our issues on the back burner for a really, really long time. I suspect a lot of married couples do this, ignoring the elephant in the room until it gets so big that something has to give.
In our case, that something was this.
A betrayal.
An “emotional” affair that, given enough time, might have resulted in a physical affair.
When I strip away everything else, any sort of understanding of how we got here, I still feel angry as hell and hurt and deceived and foolish and everything else that goes along with such a betrayal.
But life doesn’t exist in a vacuum so the “hows and whys” of how we got here are pivotal. And while I in NO WAY blame myself for his selfishness, for doing what he did, I am at least partially to blame for our pre-existing problems. I know that much is true and for that I do accept my part of the responsibility.
And what does he have to say about all of this?
To paraphrase:
He didn’t do it “to me” or rather, he didn’t mean to. It just happened. BLECH!
It became a distraction from real life and the challenges and responsibilities that come with it. This I somewhat understand
It was an ego stroking for him. This, too
He still loves me. I believe this
This didn’t happen because of any shortcomings on my part. I want to believe this
He says if he’d never been deceptive in the first place about the fact that she’d contacted him, maybe it wouldn’t have become this secret, illicit fixation and they would really be JUST friends. Knowing what I know now and what I know of her, I can only say that I’d never be okay with it.
He has agreed willingly to cut ties with her.
He still thinks counseling would be good for us.
He’s answered all my nine million questions. I believe he’s been honest, even at the risk of causing me pain.
I’ve made it clear that any sort of reconciliation is contingent upon his severing of all ties with her. They can’t be friends. They can’t be friendly. They can’t be anything. I’ve gotten no argument about it.
My one remaining concern is that later this year he’s taking a class in the city where she lives. He assures me he won’t see her. Thinking about this also makes my stomach churn.
Make no mistake… I’m still hurting over this. I’m still wary. I’m still second-guessing myself. But as so many of you advised, I need to know that I gave it my best shot. I need to know that I did everything I could. And so I’m trying to be mature and resist my impulses to act out and make things worse and I’m going to give my marriage a chance.
And that’s where we’re at now.
Will we be in a better or worse place tomorrow or next week or next month?
I wish I knew.
••••••••
Again, thank you all for everything. I’m not sure I’d be this sane without your compassion and support.
And thank you to my Apryl, my BFF, for listening to me through all of this, for helping me to be rational when all I wanted to do was cry like a baby and for standing by me through all the the dramas of my life for 30+ years.
Izzy-
I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am to hear this.
You know your husband better than any of us out here would ever know
:(
Tony
Thank you for your honesty. For all the people who understood from personal experience what you were going through and shared their thoughts, there will be others who, either now or in the future, appreciate you being so candid about your decisions on this matter. Good luck to you and your family; we’re all rooting for you!
There’s no way he can take that class in another city? Izzygirl, thank you for being so honest and so willing to bare your soul through this. We are all here for you.
Only you know what is best for you. No matter where you are tomorrow, next week, or next year, you will be able to say you tried everything. I pray that this all works out in whatever way is best for you and your family. You deserve happiness and real, safe, dependable love. I am praying that in one way or another, you get that.
And, “It just happened” ?!?!?! Ugh. Puh-leeese.
Izzy,
You are wise and brave beyond words. Marriage is a tough tough road…
Rachael
You are a strong woman Izzy and you have found the strength to make this marriage work, for this I admire you more even more. I understand waaaaay more of this than I’d like to admit and I offer you to lean on me as much as you want any damn time you need it. Damn straight, I’ll be a little rock for you.
Izzy, I totally respect your decision. And, it is good that he’s agreed to do everything you’ve asked. He’s going to have to be an open book, and it sounds like he’s willing.
No matter how this all turns out, Janssen is right: we are all rooting for you!
Big (HUG). Izzy, no I don’t question your decision. Nor do I wonder anything about foolish. I think you’re right. Marriage, adulthood and our responses to it are complicated. I’m glad you devoted time to yourself, thinking about how you feel, talking, thinking of your family. I’m glad you are doing what you feel is best. I appreciate you explaining it out, seriously, but I know you are a smart and tough cookie so I’d trust it as well-thought out anyway. But I am with flutter…he needs to find a way to take that class elsewhere or another time. It’s too soon.
You’re right, I believe, that many marriages end up with an elephant due to things being ignored or backburnered. I can identify with that. You’re right too, I believe, that two people make the problems. But you’re right too, that you are not to blame for this bad choice he made.
You’re a wise woman and you’ve got support, and belief in you.
Julie
Using My Words
You are not foolish to give your relationship another chance. You are wise enough to know that you can get things back on track. You are embracing what real love is (as opposed to what our culture teaches us it is) - love is a choice. You are choosing to try and learn to forgive and start over and that is something to be very proud of. Not everyone is so strong. Making that choice in the face of such deep hurt is really hard. Good luck to you on this journey!
I respect your decision and completely understand how you feel when he says it wasn’t because of you.
It’s never easy.. you’ve worded it perfectly.
This is, quite possibly, one of the most level-headed and mature-sounding posts I have ever read on the internet. I applaud your honesty both here and with your husband. I’m really glad that he’s open to counseling and I hope that, over time, you both can mend the wounds you have.
I remember when it hit me that marriage wasn’t just fun and games, it’s work, and it’s hard. Damn hard at times. It was a total shock to me, my young, naive self. It still shocks me now, sometimes.
I’ve been thinking of you lately. You’re in my thoughts.
Izzy, you’re a class act. And smart and beautiful, too.
This approach seems so solid and sensible. I wish for all the best for you as you go work to rebuild your marriage.
Good luck Izzy.
Marriage is work. And compromise. And trust. And love … and about ten million other things.
But it certainly isn’t EASY.
You guys will work this out
xoxox
It sounds like you’ve got a great foundation on which to rebuild everything. You both want to talk it out and fix things. In this case you can’t really ask for more than that.
Well, of course you can, you could ask for it to never have happened but… Yeah. Anyway…
I wish you guys all the luck in the world.
No thanks necessary to the collective internets… I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for the best.
Izzy, I applaud your maturity, strength, and wisdom. He’s lucky to have you. He’s lucky still to have you. I hope that he understands that. We do.
Izzy– You’re awesome. I know that word is overused but you really are. You inspire awe in me. I’ve actually been on your husbands side of the equation once. We made the same choices you did and we’re still together. It was never that we didn’t love each other anymore… but that day to day life and struggles had overwhelmed us and our relationship… wasn’t anymore. We walked through the fire and came out stronger and you guys will too if its truly what you both want. Much love and support from my corner of the blogaverse.
Just….Respect. It takes a brave woman, a strong one, to face this so squarely.
You know I love you and only you know what’s best for your family…I hope everything works out and that you’re both able to heal and grow from this together. xoxo
I’m glad that you’re talking about it and taking the time you need. That’s the most important thing. Doing what’s right for you first, before tackling the issues. And I hope everything works out in favor of you and your children. I don’t know what to say about your husband, I don’t think it’s fair of me to call him awful names — but I do hope he is sincere and takes the steps necessary to repair what he destroyed.
I’m glad to hear so much talking going on, because really, ANY step, towards each other or apart, couldn’t really happen without that. I was once in a sort of similar situation, but caught it earlier, when the betrayal was less and I knew he wasn’t seeing where it could go yet. Still, it hurt and it took a tiny bit of trust away. it will take time to rebuild if you want to go that way and work on it, but I think it could happen, given how willing he seems to be to give up on that and work on you two. But whatever you choose, I know you’ll make it.
best of luck to you, izzy. whatever decision you make is the right one, because only you know what’s best for your family. i wish you the very best in your marriage and in life.
I would recommend both of you reading a book called Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs.
To add to Maureen’s recommendation, I would also recommend Tony Robbins’ Ultimate Relationship DVD set - it’s not cheap ($299, I believe), but way cheaper than therapy or a divorce. And this DVD set really transformed my aforementioned marital problems.
So glad to see you are picking up the pieces - I think that 5 years from now you will be somehow grateful that this happened. The life lessons and strength you will gain from this time in your life will be priceless.
Hugs - W
Delurking to say that I have faith in your ability to work through this — with him, without him, whatever you choose to do.
Hey, I am sorry to hear that this is happening to you! I think it can be said that we have all had desired in our marriages before, that in itself is not the problem. It is when someone decides to act on these desires that presents the roadblock. In one sense it’s great that he is being so open now, but it may seem like to little too late. Both of us in our marriage agreed to tell the other about attractions to others (human nature after all) and just keep everything generally open, even if it would hurt. Deception is disrespectful on so many levels. I wish you best on all your decisions and my heart goes out to you.
Regardless of whether your marriage continues or ends in divorce, I’m glad that you two talked openly and honestly. You needed the answers for yourself, and he needed to confront those issues for himself. Where you go from here individually and/or together can now be decided with clearer heads (if not hearts).
the courage required to navigate this deeply personal time is gigantic. and you’ve got buckets of it. it’s a day by day thing for a while, and yes, during each of those days you’ve got a giant well of support.
“This didn’t happen because of any shortcomings on my part.”
I *swear* to you that’s true. Not only because I know how absolutely fabulous you are, but because this is about him. And unfortunately, that’s a big part of the problem - that he was only considering himself, unlike you who “had the good sense to move away from the edge of that particular abyss.”
I’m glad you guys have been talking, and I’m here to support you regardless of what path you and he choose.
I know I went full tilt on your last post in my comment to LEAVE THE F*CKER. I lived for years not trusting my gut reaction and getting burned in the process. Hence, I projected all over your bandwidth. For this, you’ll have to forgive me, La Izzy Dollin.
But, the core message still stands - you are entitled to be angry, it’s healthy unless it crosses the line (like when it leaks on your kids). Be tough, be strong, stand up for yourself just as you would for your babies. It sounds like you’re being clear as a clanging bell to your husband (”I’ve made it clear that any sort of reconciliation is contingent upon his severing of all ties with her. They can’t be friends. They can’t be friendly. They can’t be anything. I’ve gotten no argument about it.”). That’s excellent and alpha. You have to be the alpha here.
Something you should know - he may be grieving about losing contact with this woman. He may get mopey and maudlin and say that this is due to something else. Don’t be fooled. That sort of thing should not be allowed in your presence. Tell him to snap out of it and get his own individual counseling. It’s not just about couples counseling, he needs a good shakedown via therapy. He can “grieve” in his shrink’s office and if his shrink is a good one, they’ll acknowledge that he feels bad but will remind him to get perspective and consider what he was willing to risk and lose. If you can, get Dr. Phil to shrink the hubs’ head.
And you are entitled to pursue comfort, validation and perspective in your own therapy sessions, Iz. Go cry your eyes out with your own shrink. Get the tools from therapy that will aid you through jealousy, rage and rejection. Sometimes just a simple mantra will help, perhaps along the lines of “I count.” or “I am worthy.” or “F*ckin-A, the Izzy will rise again.”
Finally, take back that space on the porch. Claim it for yourself. Remove the chairs and put a bench, a sidetable and plants on stands. Sit there with the kids. You go out there with your laptop and work your growing Izzy Empire. This is your turf now and the symbolism of that will be empowering.
And, one more thing - you’re always welcome to come to California as per my previous rant. Our property is good for primal screaming. Perhaps we can throw in a cleansing ritual involving drums, a sweat lodge and a bonfire. However, small animal sacrifices will be limited to bugs.
Love from GraceD who wishes only the best and badass things for you.
xoxoxo
I can’t really add anything to GraceD’s excellent comments above. I chose to do the same thing that you’re doing and the only thing I will say is that the anger still can overwhelm me at times and this happened three+ years ago. But I can talk to my husband about it and that helps. It’s the only that’s helped during all this - the ability we have to really talk to each other. It’s hard, though.
Your husband sounds like he knows what he almost fucked up and his willingness to go to counseling is a great sign. Hang in there, Izzy.
You sound so level-headed and strong, which is wonderful. You’ve gotten great advice from others, so I won’t chime in with anything but encouragement to keep making good, sound decisions and support for whatever you decide.
What a brave thing to recount and share. So very sorry to hear of the demise of your relationship in this way. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep writing. It will help.
I’ve been thinking about you. You really sound like the two of you have a plan for making your marriage work. I admire you for continuing to try with him, I don’t know if I’m as big a person as you.
Hugs to you.
Only you know what is right for you. Your love for your family is wonderous. You always amaze me.
There is no way anyone can ever know what you are going through or what your marraige is worth to you, other than you.
I completely understand the will and desire to make it work and try to get over this set back. To trust again. I understand it because it is how I would feel. I pefer to trust and be hurt than to not trust and live too guarded. I hope you find that peaceful place again.
I didn’t say in my last comment, but my husband and I had a similar crisis in the year before we were actually married. I’ve been waiting for you to update over the weekend because I was worried. I still am concerned, but it seems like you’re working through it (trying to) and I hope it continues successfully. xx
You are brave and strong and all sorts of awesome. This is real life.
Thank you for the update. My stomach’s been kn knots over this, and I’ve never met you!
I felt sick for you reading the last two posts. The saving grace (maybe) is the lack of actual physical involvement(not to diminish the betrayal) I would like to suggest a book that nearly saved my best friend’s marriage after he cheated on her. “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley. If he had quit using drugs, they would still be together.
(((((hugs))))) to you and be strong. It is not weak of you if you decide to forgive him. Take care.
I really admire you for having the guts to try to fix things–I think divorce is sometimes the easy way out when bad things happen but if you can work through this it will be better for everyone. You’re pretty brave to share all this too–I’m adding my hugs to those already left. Good luck.
Hi, this is my first time visiting. I do agree that two people who have something left to save should absolutely give it a try. Just make sure you are doing it for yourself as well as your family.
I have a friend who’s husband told her a few weeks ago that he was having an affair and wanted to leave her. A few days later, he was back saying he wanted to work things out. SHe was so disgusted, hurt, and angry. She didn’t know what she wanted.
Right now, they are “dating” again. They are having dinners together again. And he’s a more attentive father now than he had been in years. So they are slowly finding their way back to each other.
Only you can decide what’s best for you and your family. Whatever you choose, you can rely on us to cheer you on.
Izzy,
Again, I want for you the thing that you most believe will be best.
I will always be on your side.
Best,
Jessica
Oh Cripes, Izzy. I haven’t stopped by in so long and I see this; I am so sorry for your struggles and the pain you have in your heart (and stomach too!) You definitely seem like your head is clear and you know how to get through this. Not that my opinion matters, but I am proud to hear that you are not giving up. Hugs to you!
I did not comment previously but my heart has been breaking for you. My dad cheated on my mom with and ex and it brought up a lot of memories for me. I just felt so bad for you.
I’m glad you guys are trying to work through it. Counseling is a great idea. My only advice to you on that is try to steer away from any counsleor who will try to fixate on the fact that you are adopted. I had a counselor once who did that and it was really unhelpful because she basically put everything on me and i didn’t feel it was fair.
Also about that class. If the time comes and you still don’t trust him, either tell him he can’t go or go with him. HE”S the one who screwed up here and he needs to acknowledge that now may not be the best time to be skipping off to exie’s home town.
Good luck. I will be thinking of you and hoping the best.
You are indeed, a class act, with more sense, compassion and understanding in your little finger than most people have in their whole body. I’m so impressed at the way you’ve handled this, and at your grace and humility in light of such devastation.
You’ve got brass ones, Izzy, in all the right places.
xoxo from a longtime reader, rare commenter
I was in a very similar situation to you and made the same choice as you made. My hubby and I are still together and better than ever. Not perfect in anyway, but we made it past the hell and am steadily climbing every day. I made the choice for my family and don’t regret it. I wish you the same… you are very brave!
Hold on to instinct’s hand, don’t let go. She’ll keep you safe, even when she whispers to you to do things that scare the ever-living hell out of you.
*delurking* I hate this for you. I admire your willingness to forgive and get to work. Some think forgiving is turning a blind eye, but you are proof it’s so much more. You are an awesome example to the rest of us. God bless you.
PS- Go to counseling. Even healthy couples need it.
I’m sorry you are going through this, I read your original post last night and I have been thinking of you all night and day. Your update sounds very good, I think you are making a very sound, mature decision. My hope is that five years down the road you and your husband find yourselves happier than you could have ever imagined.
I hope you can feel all of the love and positive thoughts so many of us are sending to you, Izzy.
I am impressed with your present handling of your crisis. I know how hard it is, but you are making the right decisions. Isn’t it great to have the support you’ve gotten from so many people? There are others who have traveled your same road and and seen their marriage survivie. I want to suggest a couple of books to you that I believe would be helpful. One is Broken Heart on Hold by Linda W. Rooks, brokenheartonhold.com which helps get you through the pain of a marital crisis. It gives you the emotional strength you need to make it from day to day and make the mature decisions you will continue to need. You are doing great today, but you need to stay strong because there will be other tests as the two of you heal from this hurt. Another book I would recommend is Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver. This couple survived the actual affair of the husband and they walk you through their healing step by step. Each of them takes turns talking about how their healing took place.
I hope you continue to stay strong and that your marriage continues to heal.
I am still thinking about you. Good luck. I hope everything works out.
I am so glad to hear an update from you. You know, you have to go with your gut and do what you think is good for the whole of the family. That is your call what that means. …And you have full support with whatever you choose.
My offer still stands on the a$$ kicking if he does not get inline. :)
Sending good thoughts and prayers.
i admire your honesty and strength! i completely understand why you are willing to make things work for your marriage! kudos to you and yours!
p.s. have you heard of this book before?
http://www.amazon.com/Husbands-Affair-Became-Thing-Happened/dp/1412033 209
It’s so good that you two talked, despite the truth hurting you. In the end, the truth has seen the light of day and YOU CAN work through this if you two work hard at it. My husband and I went through this years ago, it was tough but we are still married. We now tip toe around the issue, but we have learned that the hurt of that situation means little compared to the want and need to work things out, because we still loved each other.
I ain’t saying it was a walk in the park, but counseling is a wonderful idea. Email me if you want to know more.
(((HUGS)) to you and hubby, sending good vibes your way.
Stay strong and best of luck to you. We’re here for you no matter what happens.
Good luck in whatever you decide. I can’t even imagine what I would do! I admire you for your honesty and willingness to give your marriage a shot.
I know this is gut-wrenchingly (word?) awful. I admire you for taking the time to work through tough issues.
I just want to say: Go YOU! From what you’ve written above, it shows clearly that you are a mature and thoughtful person, and that you DO want things to work between you and your husband. In our current society, with so many prominent/celebrity couples screwing up and splitting, when this is the example we see, it makes it look like giving up is okay, like splitting is the easy way to go. I know of multiple young couples who are already divorced when I know that in some cases (some similar to yours!), they could have worked harder, analyzed their situations better (like you!) and stuck it out longer and possibly stayed together. This isn’t always possible with every couple, I know well, but I wanted to say to them “don’t give up yet! Please!” It is encouraging to read this from you- facing a difficult situation where it might take less effort and energy to just end this and start fresh- and seem very alluring, too! So, props to you. HUGE props. Thank you for sharing all of this and thank you for trying to work things out and hopefully improve your marriage (and for caring about your kids- some people don’t seem to). THANK YOU!! And I think you can do this! (P.S. I am married and have gone through tough stuff with my marriage (different though) and it can be SO HARD to really talk things out maturely and actually reach conclusions and resolutions on both sides…so I very much admire you both for doing so.)
I think of it this way: Both the prospect of leaving him as well as the choice to give him another chance have equal aspects of PRO and CON. You’ve chosen one particular road. If you give him another chance and he makes good on it, then that’s great for you and the kids. If he betrays you again then you can always tell your children (in years to come) that “mommy did everything she could to make it work”. You do what feels right for you and, regardless of what it is, I’ll go to the mat over your right to do so. However it turns out, there should at least be no regrets and I think trying your best is one step toward making that a reality. Good luck to you, Lizzie. Good luck to everyone in your family.
Best of luck to you and your family. I’ll be praying for you.
It sounds like you’re in a better place. It’s great to come at a problem from a more relaxed and smart and less judgmental space. You are hero to many.
I am so happy (sounds odd, but true) that you are giving it a try. What type of woman? You sound like the type of woman who truly loves her family and herself and wants to give it every chance. Whether things work out (I sure hope so) or not, you’ll know that you did everything you could. It takes two, at least, but it sounds like your husband is going to try, as well. Best of luck to both of you.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too, while you are doing this hard work to repair things.
The hardest thing, I think, is deciding what will make you happy and what is best for you. Silencing all those other voices and how it will affect others can be more difficult, than trying to find what works for you. I wish you happiness, no matter the outcome.
Oh Izzy….
I almost feel like I shoulldn’t type this because I don’t want to make you feel worse, but I want you to be careful. I HOPE and PRAy that your hubby means what he says, and that things will work out for you. PLEASE PLEASE be careful though. I am not proud to say this but I have been the other woman once. The other woman that had an affair with a man whose wife said many of the same things you have said. They went to counselling, he “said” he would cut all ties, he told me he wanted to stay for his family. I respected that. I did not contact him. 9 days later he showed up at my door. I don’t want to tell you how it all ended, but PLEASE PLEASE trust your gut. If you feel somethings not right call him on it. Make sure he knows that you expect to know where he is all the time and be able to check in on him ANYTIME. If he is not Ok with this remind him he brought it upon himself and it is what you need to be able to do until you can build back some trust again.
MY husband and I have been together for 5 years and he still falls in this category…. because he’s the same guy I had an affair with. Now, circumstances I am sure are very different, they were having pro blems for a long time, but he knows that because he cheated on another with me that I will never TRULY trust him (though I’m getting closer and closer now as time goes on). He knows that I want to be able to call him 24/7/365 and be able to check weather he is telling the truth. I am not proud of how our relationship started even if I do think we belong together.
You probably really didn’t want to hear all that crap, I just would hate to see yopu hurt and I want you to be wary until he has EARNED it.
((((HUGS))))
When I was going through a similar experience, my mom told me, “Leaving and divorce must be your last option. You must exhaust every other avenue before choosing divorce. You won’t be able to live with yourself and your ‘what ifs’ if you don’t”. It was and still is the best piece of advice she’s ever given me. Although I don’t know you, I hope with all my heart that this avenue is the solution. If not, at least you know you gave it your all. Best wishes for happiness.
I completely understand your decision. If both partners feel there is still something there - some spark of what once was - it’s totally worth trying counseling to mend the marriage. Just like a rip in fabric, that mended tear will always show, but if put back together well-enough, it can be just as strong again.
And it’s important to remember that you can still exercise the right to change your mind at any time.
Having been through it, I can tell you that counseling may be very hard to deal with at first. But give into it fully, don’t hold back anything during those sessions, and you’ll really benefit from it. And just talking to your husband - and you’ll keep rehashing this A LOT - will help, too.
You’re a brave woman, and you’re strong for facing this so well without upsetting the kids.
You absolutely don’t have to apologize for this decision - when we create a family we owe that family every effort we can give it. Having lived through some incredibly tough times and “come out the other side” to what is a real friendship built on the foundation of a shared history and gigantic memory bank, I can only praise your efforts to preserve those things. There’s always time to give up - and if it’s necessary you’ll know it. For now, you’re doing what I think is the bravest thing imaginable - fighting for your family. If I were standing near you I’d salute - If I had on a hat I’d take it off.
I am a lurker on your site, but I just had to tell you that I’ve been there. Well, not all the way there, but close. Just last month I found out my husband was emailing his ex (same situation as you…in the process of ending things with her when we got together). They had found each other through Facebook. And he was lying to me about talking to her because I had asked him not to email her. So, I just wanted to tell you that I feel for you and I’ve been there and I so know that sick feeling that you are talking about and I am so sorry. I hope you guys are able to work it out, and if not then I hope he and his ex get together and break each others hearts and they end up dying a horrible painful death…oh wait. I didn’t mean that last part. ;) Seriously. Feel better.
Delurking here because I feel the need to add my two cents. When I read your last post, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach because I was in the exact same situation almost 2 years ago - the only difference is the other person was a co-worker of my husbands who also happened to be my daughters teacher
I only found out because another co-worker thought things were a little off between the two of them so I snooped, found out the password to his work e-mail and proceeded to almost vomit over what I read. I have no doubt in my mind that this would have become something physical had I not stepped in.
It was a rough month, especially considering this all happened around Christmas, filled with little to no sleep on my part and MANY MANY heart to heart talks and many questions from me and very few answers from him. What really sucked about all of this is they still have contact but only in the professional sense because they have to and also because I have threatened him with going to the headmaster at school if I find out anything different and they could both lose their jobs.
Where are we today? Our marriage is much better but I still have trust issues. I still call and check on him A LOT and he knows that if he doesn’t answer a call, I will wake up the kids, put them in the car and drive to where he is supposed to be to check on him.
All of that aside, I am very glad we worked it out. I love him with all of my heart and soul and we have a much stronger marriage and are both more open and honest with our feelings than I really thought possible.
I hope your situation ends like mine, if you want it to but as someone said before me, if it doesn’t you will know that you tried your hardest.
Warm wishes being sent your way.
I love you!
Izzy,
I have been in your EXACT position. The only difference is that we separated for a couple of weeks with the intent of divorcing. During that time, the affair turned physical. He eventually cut it off and I returned home and we decided to give it another try. I only wish I’d had something like this to read at the time. I will say this to you….the road to recovery is long. And there will be many times where you will want to give up. To this day (2 and a half years later) I still have inklings of doubt, but my heart is still in it. And as long as that is the case, you should stick with it. As long as you’re being respected and true to yourself, then do whatever YOU think is right. And make sure the counselor you see understands that. I had one bad counseling experience in which I was encouraged to leave, not come to decisions on my own. Anyway, thanks for the post, and I wish you all the peace of mind, strength of heart, and courage in the world. You will need it for yourself and your children in the years to come. And please, be kind and patient with your soul….you are about to embark on something very hard….I know…I’m still in the throes of recovery.
MUCH respect to you for sticking it through.
And Happy Birthday!
Way late, but also sending my heart and respect to you, sweetie.
xoxox
I don’t have anything to add to the wonderful words of the women above, but I wanted you to know that there plenty of us out here who will stand by your side whatever you choose to do.
For now, I will quietly stand in awe of the bravery, courage and maturity that come across in your words.
Izzy, just catching up on a rare moment at the computer while Myles naps. I’ll add my voice to so many others to say I’m so sorry and I’ve also been there. My ex husband had a two-year long secret affair that resulted in a child that I never knew about until he was 14 months old. So, if you’re beating yourself up and asking yourself how you missed the signs, I’m here to tell you, it happens and it’s not your fault.
I admire you very much for being so open and for doing what you can to give him a second chance. I hope everything works out the way you want it to for you and your family and if you ever need an ear from someone who knows how you feel, I’m here.
God, I had no idea this was happening - I’m just catching up with my reading, blogging, etc. I won’t offer you any advice at all. Just my support and my hope that things get better for you.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, do what’s right for you. I’m hoping it all works out for the best.
Izzy, I’m delurking just to say hang in there, and do what you need to do for you. I hope you can get to a place with our without your marriage that makes you happy.
Peace to you.
Oh Izzy, I can relate to that pain. And to quote all of my good friends, “I’m so sorry I can’t make it go away”. Hang in there and know I’ve got my fingers crossed for you!
I think it’s great that you are working things out with your hubby. Many marriages bounce back and often are better than before the crisis because you are forced to deal with the bullshit that got you into the mess in the first place. My marriage is living proof of it. All my best to you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Happy Birthday! You definitely don’t look 40 and I’m not just saying that. If I don’t think it I don’t say it.
Glad to hear you guys talked. Communication is the biggest key to help keep a marriage going. It’s so hard…forgive but never forget. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and will keep hoping for the best for you!
Freaking hell, Izzy. Freaking hell.
I’m sorry you’ve been going through all this. Really really sorry. And I hope you two can find your way back to each other. These early years with young ragamuffins are tough, but you can get through it. You’re smart and beautiful and strong. Hang tight, my friend. I’m thinking of you.
I just read both the original and this follow-up and all I can say is woah.
Like others have said, I applaud your honesty and your willingness to try and work things out. Marriage definitely is hard work, and can be truly rewarding.
However, as a caveat, I must say that you have to be conscious of everything that you’re doing “for the sake of the marriage” and make sure that ultimately it is what you want, and that you will not regret it. I’m not trying to say “once a cheater, always a cheater”, but if you feel that way, then maybe it’s better to consider alternatives.
You know your husband better than any of us do, so you do what you think is best. Just make sure you don’t become a door mat; either for him or your marriage.
Girl, I am so sorry. I too can unfortunately join in on the “been there, done that” bandwagon.
I am really sorry you are having to go through this.
My advice, for what it’s worth—–
– don’t let anyone try to force any decisions you make— they are just that, YOUR decisions. That is one massive problem I had with my blog that was really hard for me— I would vent about problems, but at the same time I didn’t really WANT anyone else to give an opinion. I don’t know, it doesn’t make sense. You are the only one living in the situation, and you are the only one that knows the kind of man he is.
– be mad. let yourself be mad for a while, really mad. it will help.
– be careful about what you tell immediate family. This is yet another mistake I made— I told my parents way more than I should have, and once I decided that I had to try to salvage the marriage, they can’t forget. Not really.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Izzy, I had no idea about this until today, and my heart went out to you. Then when I read this, I realized that you are an amazing woman and I think you are wonderful. I’ve been where you are and it takes a great amount of courage to do what you are doing, but the payoff can be so worth it. SciFi Dad is right, do it for YOU, not anyone else.
Hugs to you and best wishes and good things.
Shash
Izzy I am usually a lurking reader but these couple of recent posts made me want to comment and wish you good luck with whatever path your relationship takes.
To make up or break up is really very hard to decide on — especially if a couple still wants to save their marriage for the sake of the kids and the family. We often reach iffy situations and need to decide personally after careful analysis — our priorities, what will really make us happy and what would be best for everyone concerned. I don’t know you personal circumstances are; I can only read your emotions from your blogs. The best to do during these times: pray for the Lord’s guidance and strength. Will include you in my prayers:)
Good for you for wanting to try to work it out. Who knows? This awful, terrible thing, and the process that follows it may be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage in the long run. Or it may be the thing that helps you to realize you need to move on. Either way, I’m hoping that this painful process ultimately leads you to a way better place. And I’m sorry you have to go through the intervening pain. I give you a whole heck of a lot of credit for handling it with a lot of strength, and I’m keeping you guys in my thoughts.
We’re in the same boat, Izzy. Just endure it, dear!
I feel so out of touch……I have been out of the loop for a while and your posts have shocked me……Sorry I couldn’t be a better blog friend, but I am sure many have offered their support and advice….Stay strong and do what’s best for you and the kids.
What a tough time for you. Wishing you strength to get through it all.