Betrayed
The title says it all.
But because nobody likes weird, cryptic blog posts and because I have to vent, unleash, release… I’m going to break a rule of mine and discuss my marriage. Or what’s left of it.
You see, I found out my husband has been having an “internet relationship” with another woman.
It gets worse…
It’s with his ex-girlfriend. The one he was in the throes of a pretty acrimonious break up with when we got together. The one he’s had not a single nice thing to say about for the past thirteen and half years.
I guess she’s having the last laugh now, huh?
We’ve had some problems over the last couple years and as recently as five months ago we were contemplating divorce. I feel so stupid. I was so trusting, hence the title of this post.
When I read the emails, I was literally sickened by their intimate nature. No cybersex or anything like that; just the kind of talk that people engage in when they’re still in that glorious becoming-infatuated stage.
So I confronted him. And he claims they’re just friends. That it doesn’t mean anything. That it’s just a distraction.That she found him on MySpace and they just email. But I know they frequently iChat as well as email each other numerous times daily.
And I damn well know that those are not the words of people who are “just friends.” And I know now that’s why he spends hours every night out on the porch with his laptop while I’m inside either working or waiting for him to come in and hang out with me.
I’ve all but begged him to be with me the way he’s been with her in those emails. Apparently he’s only got enough of that for one woman and she ain’t me.
There’s so much more to tell but I honestly feel like I might throw up.
So in a rather large nutshell, I can’t bear the thought of tearing my family apart and hurting my children by taking them away from their father but I’m also not sure I can bear the idea of staying in this marriage for another day.
Right now I’m hurt and angry and I’m giving serious consideration to selling this house, filing for divorce and moving far away from this godawful state and starting over somewhere else.
I’m turning 40 on September 4th. I feel like I’ve wasted the best years of my life with him (I know…a total cliché) and now I just want to put it all behind me and begin anew. As a single mother. With no family. And no place to go. I have some pretty sucky options, it seems.
He really wants to go to marriage counseling to try and fix whatever is at the root of our brokenness and four months ago I would have agreed but I don’t know now. I’m not sure there’s anything left inside me to try with. I don’t know what to do. I feel empty.
Sad.
Betrayed.
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Sick for you. Have been there.
Emailing you…
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be in that situation.
I would encourage you to try the counseling. If it doesn’t work, at least you know you tried. And if it does work, maybe you’ll have a better marriage than you thought possible. I haven’t dealt with infidelity type issues with my husband, but we have had our trials, and we have come out in the end much better than I ever thought could happen. But only you know what’s best for your family and situation. The whole thing just sucks. *hugs*
Oh Izzy. I am so sorry.
You know, I read the first few lines and thought…please let this be a joke.
I’m sure you’ll have plenty of offers, but if you need to talk, my email is open.
I wanted this to be a joke too. I don’t know you so there’s nothing I can say to make this feel better. I guess there’s nothing anyone can say right now. It sounds like there are people who are here for you, that you can talk to, or who will just let you cry. I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you.
I’m so sorry.
love you lady. also emailing…
oh, no. oh, god. i’m so sorry.
fwiw, you might regret it someday if you don’t at least try counseling.
hugs to you and know that we’re all here, listening.
Izzy! I am so sorry. I don’t even know what to say to you.
I wish I had some words of wisdom….I wish I was there to help you and hold your hand….
I’ve been there. This type of betrayal scorches your heart - leaves it with singed edges and an undeniable emptiness that is as heavy as lead.
I know you will get a lot of private emails offering support and words of wisdom. I am going to offer mine here because you wrote this publicly and per chance that what I say might help someone else, well, I’ll just unleash it all in the comments.
You, my dear, are correct. There is no reason to trust him. And as my ex-husband’s therapist told him, when things like this happen the perpetrator has to take it up the ass. Meaning, if you are so kind as to offer him a chance, he shouldn’t for one fucking minute think that you are going to trust him, and he has to deal with that. Trust is earned. My ex never earned my trust again, he never deserved it. Sometimes people do get through these situations. They live and learn and learn to love and trust again. Sometimes they do not.
For me and my kids, I wanted to make sure that I did everything in my power to save the marriage. That’s different for every single person. Then I realized that you cannot, in any way shape or form, save a marriage alone. And that was that. I also realized in the end that I was better off not married to that man. Not better off financially, not better off with hysterical children who missed their father, not better off without a partner. Better off without that partner. It enabled me to give birth again — to myself. But I must admit that trust is still an issue for me.
Emotional infidelity is rampant due to the internet. The depth of feeling and intimacy that is developed should be obvious to you because of the friendships you have made this way. I still know it to be true because of the friendships I’ve made online, and because for almost five years I’ve kick-started every single dating relationship with an online fire.
I’m not an advocate for divorce. But I am an advocate for counseling. Alone. Go alone to a therapist - a good one. Talk to people you trust who have been through betrayal. Fabulous and wonderful well-meaning loving family and friends who have not been through it have no clue. Lucky for them.
I hope your 40’s become the reward for your 30’s.
((hugs)) to you Izzy. Email anytime.
Oh Izzy.. I don’t have anything good to say except I’m so sorry to read this.
If you’ve read the emails and you really feel like he is minimising what has happened, I don’t think counselling is going to help. If he can’t be honest with you now, he never will be.
But maybe you need to give it a try. To at least feel like you tried. Then you can see whether he is willing to try, or whether he is just trying to save face. And I agree with Kvetch about counselling - alone. It will help you decide where to go from here.
Snoskred.
Oh, I wanted to add - you’ll be fine regardless. Someone as brave as you, willing to put this out there on the www, you’ve got some serious balls of your own. Which begs the question - why do you need his? :) Unfaithful as they may be?
Snoskred
I’m so sorry to read this, Izzy. I’ve never been down this road, so I don’t know what to tell you. If he truly wants to get counseling, the first thing he should do is sever all ties with his ex. But even then, you’ll never be able to truly trust him again.
That totally sucks and I am very, very saddened and sorry to read this. Sending you tons of thoughts, prayers, and hugs. Makes me want to come up there and give a good a$$ kicking.
Hugs, baby. That sucks. It also sucks that you can’t just flee, because you have bigger issues to deal with, like trying to make sure your kids have everything they need.
I would demand counseling, at the very least, and an end to the internet thing, and for his laptop to be put under lock and key for a while.
Oh my God, Izzy, I’m so sorry…absolutely horrible. Big hugs.
Dude, I am so very sorry. That absolutely sucks.
And I wouldn’t put his laptop under lock and key. I’d throw it out the window. And then run over it with the car.
I’m hoping everything works out for you, whichever path you choose.
Izzy–
Nothing any of us can say is going to fix your heart. You don’t know me from Eve and don’t know where my point of view originates from and honestly, you probably don’t care. Right now you are raw and in pain. I’m so sorry you’re having go through all this but know you’re not alone. Those who read you and get to see the world through your eyes care and want to help if we can. You’re in my prayers and thoughts girl, as are you kids, and your arseha… errr husband. Hugs
I’m so sorry, Izzy. Really. I wish I had some comforting words.
Izzy, I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry for the shattering of your world. An affair of the heart - that’s what this sounds like, and, I think they can be much more destructive than an actual physical relationship. You’re always wondering what he’s thinking, what he’s dreaming. Even though he says they’re only friends, you wonder what he’s hoping.
I have no glorious words of wisdom, no insights, no helpful hints; I can only say that I admire your honesty and empathize with your pain. You will do what you think is best for you which, in turn, will be what is best for your children.
Best wishes.
All I can say is that I’m sorry, and encourage you to try the counselling. It can’t hurt, and maybe, just maybe, it will help.
I’m so sorry.
Your marriage is yours and I don’t know your husband.
I do know that my dad had an affair with a nurse that was discovered in 1984 - my senior year of high school. My parents went through counseling, separated, got back together.
I never fully trusted him, and everyone thought I was being too harsh.
My mom died very suddenly in Oct 2005. By Dec of that same year my dad was spending the night with the hussy from the 80’s, although we didn’t find this out until the following Mother’s Day.
They’d kept in touch during the entire 20 years. My mom knew and shielded us from it (though I suspected).
There’s a possible kid.
You’re young.
I think my mother’s life would have been vastly different, and happier, if she had left in 1985, but she and I have very different personalities.
And in the long run, the hurt this has caused my sisters and me (discovering the true extent of my dad’s lying) after my mom died has probably been just as hurtful as enduring a divorce would have been.
That’s just my perspective.
I wish you strength and confidence in the decisions you make.
This sucks donkey balls, Izzy. This shouldn’t be happening to you. Thinking of you, hon.
oh sister, i am so sorry. so, so sorry. the bitch about betrayal is that it’s cowardly. if he could have come to you and was honest earlier you could have dealt with it, but it’s this, this sneaky bullshit that makes the person betrayed feel so blindsided. i am so sorry, truly. it’s so cowardly. and unfair.
and for what it’s worth - you are extraordinary. absolutely gorgeous. cool. don’t let this question that for a minute. this is his lack of courage, not yours.
Found your blog recently and have been lurking. I think you’re FANTASTIC! I was sick to read this. I’ll be thinking of you and your kids.
I am so sorry. I’ll be thinking of you and your family, sending positive energy your way…
Oh Izzy, I mostly lurk here but had to say how sad I am to hear this news. I don’t know what to say. I agree with all the comments. I think it would be good to try counseling, but it will be hard to get over. So sorry this is happening. You are strong and beautiful and whatever happens you will be alright. I just know it.
I too have been a lurker, but this one made me post. Be strong - talk to your OWN counselor - you know what is best for you and your kids. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts and support…
Wishing you strength and peace.
oh my god Izzy,
I’m so sorry this is happening. I’m thinking of you and your family…
Oh my God Izzy. I am so sorry. You are a strong person and I wish you all that strength and more as you move forward.
oh, man. so sorry izzy. i left my first husband for a similar situation. i would not want anyone to go through that pain. i wish i could say something that helps. if you want to talk, you have my email. big, GIANT hugs to you.
(HUGS)
This is so tough.
You know, at some point in life (usually, it seems right about now) I find many people retreat a bit in marriage. When they retreat into another person in any way—especially the way you’ve been asking for—that is such a betrayal.
It’s just like they think it’s easier to go someplace else than deal with what’s on their plate, an escape. Which really hurts.
I’m so sorry you have this.
Counseling sounds like a good step…if nothing else, you’ll know you did all you could.
Big (HUG) of support.
Julie
Ravin’ Picture Maven
Izzy? Dude? You are at a great place: The place of motherfucking righteous anger. Okay, some needing-to-upchuck is involved and probably an ocean of tears need to be shed, but still - your basic anger has kicked in to motivate and cleanse. Trust the anger, the reasons behind it are almost always, like 99.9% always, correct.
So forget that the bitch with no honor may be laughing her family wrecking ass off. And, more than anything, dump that husband who not only has no honor but lacks decency, (”Sir, have you no decency?”). He’s scum and no amount of counseling can redeem him. You will never be able to trust him again and he will always be tempted to fuck things up (though he won’t think of it as such).
Prepare for a tough road, Iz. But, it’s the way out to a fresh start. And, yes, you’re nearly 40, a good mother to your precious children. But, I left a loveless marriage at 41 and remarried at 45. If I, a feisty, foul mouthed, greying bitch queen can find a love match (he’s from Brooklyn, foul mouthed and feisty, too), then you, genteel lovely one, can find it as well.
(If you want to; you may not want to. And that’s okay, because you are whole unto yourself.)
The larger, overriding, all-important point is you must live a good, wonderful life, a life you, our IzzyMom, so richly deserve.
I am available to you on so many levels including beyond these bytes and into meatspace. If you need to come out to California to chill, our home is big, in the woods and near the beach. You can be alone to wander and scream at redwood trees, or you can ride shotgun as I show you around Big Sur and San Francisco. My hospitality comes with references (Leahpeah, for one) and you’ll get your own bedroom, robe, a new toothbrush and we’ll go for spa treatments. Seriously. Just pay for your airfare and I’ll cover the rest.
I mean it.
Always your admiring fan and friend,
GraceD
How horrifying. I feel sick after having read this. I can’t imagine what I would do in your situation. Maybe time and space away from him will help clear your mind? Hang in there!!
I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. I know there’s nothing I can do but I am thinking of you and wishing you the best in whatever you decide to do.
I went cold when I realized this was a real post. I’m so sorry, sweetie.
Whatever else you do or don’t do, I think you should take GraceD up on her offer.
You deserve it, and much more.
Well damn. This is not what I expected to read, and I’m sorry that you had to write it. It completely sucks.
I’m going to go off on a limb though from the rest of the comments and say this:
If this is the “final straw,” you might consider not wasting anymore time. Get out. Get out clean. Get out quick. I’m all for trying to make it work and counseling and what not, but there is that point where no of it matters anymore.
And you will know that point. I knew it as clear as day. No amount of counseling was going to change it.
So counseling for the kids? Abso-freaking-lutely. And lots of it. For yourself? You betcha.
But sometimes you know.
If you don’t know, and this isn’t a final straw, then work your ass off to keep it together. And you’ll find lots of support from all of us.
I’m just saying, if you know it’s time, you’ll also find lots of support.
Love you much.
OMG, I want to come and hug you and protect you and do anything I can for you. holy shit balls… I’m so very very very sorry.
Yes, I thought this was some sort of joke until I read ‘discuss my marriage’ and ‘Or whats left of it’. Then I thought, shit-this is serious.
Rough situation, to say the least.
Oh, Izzy. I am so incredibly sorry. I wish I had some sage advice, some wise words of wisdom…but all I have is my love, my thoughts and my strength to send to you.
xo
Oh, it feels like being sucker punched in the gut to read this post. I was hoping so much that the opening was leading to something else. Something tongue-in-cheek.
I’m so sorry.
so sorry to read this. whatever you decide will be the right thing.
Oh, friend. I have no words. None. I am so, so sorry, and can hold sit here, at a distance, wishing you strength.
If you need anything, anything at all, you know how to reach me.
I am also delurking. I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.
Well this makes my stupid speeding ticket seem even stupider. I wanted to throw up on your behalf.
Praying for you & your family to find peace, whatever form it takes.
I am so sorry, Izzy. I left you a message on your cell, and I mean it when I say you can call me any time. Or message me on MSN at e.a.edwards@sbcglobal.net, or on Gmail chat at table4five@gmail.com. You are beautiful, successful, loving, and the best Mother-you deserve a husband that KNOWS THAT. I’m sorry, but what an ass.
And what Grace said in her comment? She extended the same offer to me when I got home from BlogHer and I’m taking her up on it, the second weekend in October. You should come too, and we can have a Blogger’s Weekend Retreat. Good for our souls, I think.
I just wanted to add to the chorus of support. I know how sickening and final this all seems. You are right to be angry, obviously. Let me just say that counselling can really work. You might be surprised how much it can help–if there is something there to fight for (and unromantic though it may seem, keeping the family together is a powerful reason).
Hugs to you gorgeous lady…
Izzy, my heart reaches out to you. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. You have a big blogging community standing by you and offering many shoulders for support.
God, sucks isn’t even the word. People have strong feelings about this, they say “once a cheater, always a cheater” and an emotional affair is cheating. But once you have kids, things become so much more grey.
there is no right or wrong thing to do, there is only what is best for you & your family.
I would try counseling, individual and marriage, because why not at least try?
Good Luck.
Izzy, me too. I’m sorry. But I’m proud of you for confronting him and asking yourself the tough questions. (Too many women I know would think, I can’t be alone, I guess I just have to put up with this.) It’s just awful to feel like this but try not to make any harsh decisions overnight. The right answer will come to you, just give it a little time. Meanwhile, we’re all here for you. Vent away.
because i don’t have anything to say that hasn’t already been said, i’ll just send you some hugs and tell you that i’m thinking of you today. :)
Oh, Izzy. What a mess. I wish there was something I could do or say to make things better for you. Sending big hugs your way.
Oh, honey. Oh, Izzy. I am so so so sorry you are going through this. If you want to talk, email me and we can arrange particulars. I’ve been there. We didn’t have kids then.
We’re still together, and stronger.
I wish you much strength and love, and offer any and all support I can give.
People who’ve met you and people who haven’t all agree: you’re too wonderful a person to have to go through this. I wish you strength and…eventually…peace.
People who’ve met you and people who haven’t all agree: you’re too wonderful a person to have to go through this. I wish you strength and…eventually…peace.
I’m so, so sorry that you are going through this. Know that you have a huge network of support here.
seems like a laptop restriction is in order. I am sorry.
Please go to counseling with him and by yourself. it doesn’t mean you will or should reconcile with your husband, but if you have children together, you will be in a relationship together for the rest of your lives whether you want to or not. my prayers are with you and your family.
So sorry, Iz. You have to *try* to separate out the “other woman” thing and get to the heart of what you want. Do you like your husband? Does he do it for you? Is he what *you* need. Because sometimes it can become all about the competition for your husband’s affections — and not about figuring out if he’s even who you want.
A wise sage once said to look at the person’s life without you in it and see if it even floats your boat.
If you decide he is everything you want, go to therapy. If not - you have a wide network of people to support a decision to go it alone.
Kisses, babe.
I have no advice, or whitty words of wisom, just a virtual pat on the back, hug and ear for listening. I’m so sorry.
Just wanted to add…I had no idea you are turning 40…You surely don’t look it! :)
Wasting the best years of your life… it’s a cliche for a reason. It happens far too often and to far too many decent people.
There aren’t answers that anyone else can give you (just support… *hugs*), I think you’ll find your answers yourself and it might just take a little time. Counseling may very well be worth it but you may have to get used to the idea first. I wish you the best luck.
Another delurker to say YES, COUNSELING, PLEASE! My dad left my mom 25 years ago and took off with her best friend, leaving Mom with no one but us kids to talk to (read: vent at!) We heard more than we ever wanted to hear about their relationship over the 33 years of marriage because she didn’t have the money to go to a counselor.
One of the best pieces of advice that I was given when my first husband and I divorced was “Remember that his blood flows in your children’s veins, too. Don’t make them ashamed of it.”
Sure wish someone had told my mother that. She’s still bitter.
I am so heartsick for your hurt and your pain. It stinks, doesn’t it? You always have us to talk to, Izzy, but do get some professional help for yourself and for your children. And holler if you need us.
God. I have nothing to say to make you feel better. Except to say that I’m sorry you’re going through it. And if you want you can have my phone number if you need one of those total strangers to dump on - it works.
I have been there. I know you don’t know me, and have already gotten a whole lot of “hey, if you wanna talk, I’m here” offers, but add me to the list. I’d be glad to listen if you ever wanna talk.
Izzy, I am so sorry. I literally want to throw up for you. I have no idea what to say except that I am sorry. Very, very sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so, so, so sorry for you.
Oh, Izzy. I am so so sorry. I’m sending you love. Add me to the list of people you can contact, if you want, if you need. xxxxx
I don’t think I’m that far from you, so, ah, if you find yourself in need of great escape, don’t hesitate.
I’m just so sorry.
Izzy.
I am sorry to read this.
Please do your self a favor and give yourself a gift. Go for professional counseling. Find a good marriage and family therapist or clinical pyschologist, and go for couples counseling.
An objective therapist will be able to ask the tough questions and see if your marriage is worth saving. She/he will be able to help you both move forward, whatever the outcome.
You both deserve to be happy, either together or apart.
I’m so sorry for you. Trust yourself when you make your decision. And know that it’s not YOU who is tearing your family apart if you decided to leave.
You don’t know me, but I’ll be thinking of you.
Oh god Izzy. I am so so so so incredibly sorry. I have no words that can help you, but know that we are here for you. XOXOX
Izzy,
I have come here several times today but I haven’t quite been able to express my thoughts about your situation.
First of all, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling and the betrayal. I truly feel deeply for you, and I am sad for you. Feeling betrayed and hurt by someone you think should be your best friend and confidant must be the most disappointing, heartwrenching , nauseating, feeling. For that, I offer you my support and wish there was something I could say to make your pain less.
Second, I guess the thing you have to ask yourself is “Do you love each other?” Do you? Truly? And if your answer is “YES” there is some hope to have something good come out of this mess…..IF you both want that.
We as humans do terrible, hurtful things sometimes to those we love. I count myself among those, as I am sure we all have made mistakes at one time or another. *IF* he understands the magnitude of his actions and *IF* he is willing to accept responsibility for his actions and *IF* you think you may be able to forgive him on some level EVENTUALLY, then you have a chance…. with counseling. I guess you’ll have to decide that for yourself.
One thing is certain: you are a strong, beautiful woman who deserves to be happy and loved. Please know I am thinking of you. Take good care.
:(
There have been a few posts on my blog as well even though I didn’t want to speak badly of my husband sometimes you just need to feel not so alone. There are so many different things one could say and god knows it looks like you have enough of them on your comment section, but I guess my advice would be to take some time to just cry. Take the time to be sad over what you are going through and how it has made you feel. Then take some time to really evaluate your marriage. If you honestly love your husband (outside of your anger) and vice versa then I would recommend that you take the time to go to counseling. At any time you can always choose to be happy (and I say this instead of divorce because you aren’t choosing to get a divorce; you are choosing to be happy - big difference) with or without your husband. I just want you to know you are not alone. There are many people out there who are struggling with their marriage and their happiness. Feel free to email me and talk about this further.
I hope blogging about it helps you. What an amazing group of women (men?) supporting you here!
I don’t know what to say (((HUGS))). I have seen it before though, and you are right that those kind of “intimate” conversations and if he is spending that much time at it… they are not just friends.
Just remember, think about you. Your kids are resilient, they will adjust, they will grow up, you need to look back on this time in your life and know you did the right thing FOR YOU. They will love you regardless, and you are strong, you will heal and move on and be happy.
I am not saying jump to divorce, if you still love him and you think there is a chance… you should work on it. But make sure he knows he better be an open book from now on, understand your need to check up on him often, and that it will take a LONG time to win back your trust. If it doesn’t work, you can leave with the peace of mind that it was truly the right thing to do.
I am so sorry…please know there are good thoughts directed at you.
Oh Izzy, I’m so sorry you’re hurting like that. I don’t know what to say and I know I can’t make it better but I wish you peace in whatever you decide.
Izzy, I’m so sorry. I got that queasy sick feeling from reading this, because I’ve been through something similar. It hurts and it sucks. You’re angry and you feel like your heart has been ripped out. It happened with us before we had kids, and it took a lot of counseling to decide to stay together. I can’t imagine how much more it would hurt with kids.
Whether you pursue counseling to work it out or not is up to you, but I do recommend going to counseling either way. Even if you do want out, counseling can help you make a clean break so the kids aren’t caught in the middle.
I know several have offered, but if you need someone to talk, vent, whatever to, e-mail me or I can give you my chat ID and we can chat. I’ll even call you if you want.
Just adding my voice to the chorus:
You are an amazing person.
Sending you energy, love, hope, to get through to the other side of this, whatever that looks like.
Izzy, I’m so terribly sorry. I’m going through our own family crisis right now so I can’t tell you everything I want to, but take Kvetch and Grace’s advice. They both say everything that I could. I’ve been in your place, and they are right, once a cheater…. You can pick up and move on. I did, grace did, kvetch did…and you know what? It’s easeier being a single mom that being in a crappy distrustful marriage.
As for Grace’s offer, ditto for me. We’ve got woods, a big lawn, a beautiful fall, and a soon to be redecorated living room! You are welcome anytime for as long as you want.
You know my email. If you need to talk, please…any time day or night.
Crap, crap, crap.
I feel sick that you are going through this.
I have a friend who couldn’t get pregnant for 8 years. She caught her husband doing some internet goodies. He stopped (after lots of therapy) and suddenly she was able to get pregnant since his goodies were landing inside her instead of on the floor by his computer. Imagine the fury and excitement all in one.
Hope you can figure out what is right for you to make a fresh start - be it reconciliation with him, or a completely on-your-own adventure.
Izzy, hon, breathe. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. We all love you and will do whatever we can to help you get through this. Sending all the good thoughts and energies to you that I can.
Izzy, I’m so sorry to hear about this. You are so clever, funny, and pretty. Wishing you all the best in figuring out the right next steps.
Hang in there…I can tell you hurt….deeply. And that sucks. Raw.
I’m not going to give you advice, because I’m not you or him. You two will decide what’s best and move on from there. This too shall pass…..
Izzy - I’m so sorry.
Part of me wants to tell you to stick it out, go to the counseling because if you don’t TRY everything, you may regret it later.
But then part of me wants to tell you to punch him in the face and come stay with me in Boise. Boise’s a nice, nice place for starting over.
I’m sorry you are going through this. You’re in my thoughts.
Your blog buddy and validater of any feelings you are feeling,
Jamie
Izzy,
I am delurking to tell you that my thoughts and prayers are with you.. you are incredibly strong and brave. Follow your heart…
I’ve been there. (not with current husband) It totally sucks. I understand everything that you’re feeling right now. What you need to know is…no matter what issues you’ve been having, it’s not your fault, and it’s not okay. ((HUGS)) to you. Looks like you’ve got tons of support, but if you want to talk, please feel free to email me.
I am delurking myself, as many others have done. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, Izzy. I admire you so much, and I wish you the strength you need to get through this. Do what you need to do, but most importantly….protect your heart.
You are obviously loved by many, and rightfully so.
Take care of you.
Jess
Izzy! I’m so, so, so sorry. Your words just tear me apart and my heart goes to you and your kids. I want to give you a giant cyber-hug and assure you that you are loved tremendously!
Be strong and follow what your heart is telling you.
Oh, Izzy, I’m so sorry. You’ve been in my thoughts lately (no pun intended!) because of your late period (glad you got it by the way, especially under the circumstances) and because your post about enjoying your kids in the moment has stuck with me. So to check in and find you going through this really bothers me. I’m not one to give unsolicited advice (despite my master’s in counseling), but I do recommend you give yourself time to sort out what’s best for you and your kids. Counseling may just provide you that time and means to know you did everything you could before you make a decision. I just don’t want you to have any regrets, no matter what you do. Good luck. I’ll be thinking of you.
Oh god. Izzy, I’m just sick for you. I’m so sorry - sorry that he did this, sorry that you’re hurting, sorry for the steps you’ll have to take - regardless of which path you choose.
Sweetheart. This is the road I have traveled in the past year. If there is anything I can do or talk with you about, please let me know. I am finally on the other side of marriage, and things are not as scary as I thought they might be. The kids are doing well, and we’re making it. Love to you.
OMG, I just want to cry. There has been so much good advice already, I just want to add to the chorus of love and support rising up around you. Hang in there.
I so want to cry for you, but I also want to do a cartwheel.
I’ve been divorced and happily remarried, so I know the shitty part is temporary and the liberated feeling of moving on with your life and finding what you really deserve is more permanent and rewarding.
I would go see the counselor, if for no other reason than to help you convince yourself that leaving is absolutely the right thing to do.
Oh, Izzy. I am so sorry.
Only you really know what is best for you. I’ll stand by your side, whatever you decide.
Much love and support,
Jessica
First time reader, and what a way to jump in.
Been there. The nicest things my (I went alone) told me were:
You will feel a great many things, but you will feel no single thing for very long.
and
It’s okay to be immobile, to not take immediate action. There is great wisdom and safety to checking out all angles of a situation and figuring out which way is the right one for you. (her analogy was like pulling up to a busy intersection, in the rain, when the stoplights were out - it’s dangerous, and very okay to be slow moving so you make it home safely.)
fucker. (can I say that?)
sending you hugs and wishing you peace whatever the outcome.
I’m sorry, my thoughts are with you. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. That really sucks & I am really sorry.
I don’t know you (here from Amalah @ MDD) but I want to at least say I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt. No advice but hugs and good thoughts for things to work out the best for you and yours.
Oh, Izzy! I am so sorry to hear this. You’ll do what you need to do. I do hope you go to counseling, though, if only so you’ll know you tried everything. I can certainly understand why you would just want to move on now, too. I think in the future, though, you will be more at peace about whatever happens if you give the therapy a try.
I’ll be thinking of you and your family and hoping you’ll find your way.
Izzy - This totally sucks for you. I am so sorry. *sigh* I almost hate to post my comment now due to your post but….
I stumbled in here a few days ago. Not sure how I even found your site really. I am participating in BlogDay 2007 and I decided to feature your blog. :) When you are feeling up to it, come on over to my place to read the gushings that I shared with my readers about your place.
Complete bummer, and I feel for you. Having gone through a divorce I would hope that you seriously consider counseling before taking that step. If it doesn’t pan out then you tried all that you could. I hope the best for you and your family.
I’m so sorry. I wish you peace and resolution. Strength too. You will be okay. Your children will be okay. I’m thinking of you and them and sending good thoughts.
Came over from Amalah’s club mom site and just wanted to say I’m sorry. So, so sorry. Divorce without kids almost finished me, I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
First time here and I just want to say I am sorry - sorry that he disrespected you and sorry that people no longer have a sense of the sanctity of marriage. I know the torn feeling you feel I stay in a relationship that’s not healthy and is unhappy because he’s a good father and damn I am only 22; the worlds a big scary place any more. Anyway I am sure you have a wonderful support group but if you ever need someone please feel to e-mail me.
Went through a divorce 12 years ago when my son was small. Every day is still difficult. Although I don’t miss my ex, I do DEEPLY regret the damage to the father-son bond. For example, my son started high school this week. I know that his dad was thinking about him all day (he called that night) and was sad that he couldn’t see his son on his first day of high school.
Divorce was the right choice for me but the wrong choice for my family. I hope that makes sense.
I’m 41 now (wait! oh, shit, I’m 42!) and so very, very, very much more tolerant of all human foibles. I am remarried, have another son, and life isn’t perfect, but I wouldn’t go through another divorce. I’d just kill him. (that was a joke, K?)
Izzy,
I felt sick for you just reading that. I wish you all the best while you go through this.
I am so sorry. Nothing hurts more than to be betrayed by the one you trust the most. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom but I do not have any. This is unfortuantly something you will have to work through on your own. I wish you all the luck in the world.
(hugs) Betrayal effin’ sucks. Peace, clarity and strength to you in this time.
I know we don’t know each other very well, but I feel like we are in similar situations right now. I am not ready to leave, but can’t imagine staying and feeling like this forever. I feel for you! I am so sorry this happened. If you need to talk (email or whatever) you know where to find me. Good luck with all of this. Sometimes the easy choice isn’t the right choice (that is what people keep telling me and once I figure out what it means to me, I will act on it). Good luck! If you need anything, please ask!
Having to post this truly sucks; you deserve to be treated better. The internets agree. Good luck, sweetie.
Don’t you just want answers? Why? Why did he do it? What made him start that relationship with her?
I’ve only been cheated on once by my college boyfriend. He slept with my roommate. I came home to find them together, naked on the damn living room floor.
The anger was terrible. I had even considered losing my virginity to this man. Thank God he did what he did before that ever happened.
I asked him why he did and he told me it was because he knew he could get away with it, had I not come home early from work.
My roommate’s excuse was that she didn’t think my relationship with him was that serious.
I ditched the boyfriend, kicked out the roommate and realized I needed a tougher skin. But it was easy then. There was no marriage, no children to worry about.
I have no advice for you and I wish I did. I just pray for you, that everything works out best for you and the kids.
I’m here for you Izzy. I know you have so many friends who are, and I’m glad to be another one of them.
love you…girlfriend.
Oh my god. My heart is breaking for you. Real, true tears. I am so sorry. Why did he have to do that? It must seem insurmountable and surely you feel so much anger and hurt, but if you could possibly muster the generosity to go to counseling it would be a huge favor to you and to your kids.
My best friend’s father had an affair with my friend’s dance teacher when we were in junior high. Much counseling got them over it and they have the model marriage now - 30 years later. They fell back in love and are still that way.
Best advice that someone gave me when my 5-year relationship ended because my boyfriend announced out of the blue he had FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A FORMER STRIPPER WHO WORKED AT WALMART was to give yourself time and permission to experience what is happening.
After my breakup I went to an island and reveled in despair. It took years to work through it, but weirdly, it was one of the most significant times in my life.
You are SUCH a wonderful person and I am so sad for you, but even though it sounds bizarre, this experience will change you life, and I am sure it will be for the better.
Internet hug to you.
What city mama said.
Absolutely go to counseling if you think it can be saved. Kick him out of the house next week. Work through your justified anger or not. Whatever you decide to do, whatever works for you, call a lawyer right now. Go see one today and find out how to protect yourself and your children just in case. Don’t wait and see how things play out, go make that call right now.
yet ANOTHER delurker who wants to lend her support. Thinking of you…
I am so very sorry. I would be incredibly hurt and angry, too. I know my husband corresponds with his high school girlfriend, but he actually shows the emails to me so that I know what is said. There is no excuse for what your husband did, but I would go to counseling if I were you. You may be amazed at what it can do for you. I think it’s a good sign that your husband want to go.
Jane, Pinks & Blues Girls
It’s been awhile since I have read your blog… I’m so sorry you are going through this. You have to do what is best for you and the kids. Hang in there, sending good vibes your way.
Read this izzy, i’ve been RIGHT there.
http://christinacedeno.com/2007/06/21/attention-all-husbands-time-and- place/
Oh, Izzy, I’m sorry. I’ve been there, too, and it’s not an easy thing to recover from. I wanted to go to counseling; my husband didn’t. We’re still together, but it has definitely changed and warped my already-warped outlook on our life together. Hang in there…..
Izzy, sending you ((HUGS)) and hoping you find the strength to make the right decision for you and your kids. Whichever decision that is, I support you.
Izzy, I’m so sorry. This really sucks. (Hugs)
I wish I had something to offer you, because no one should have to go through this.
Any strength I have is yours to use. In the meantime, I will try to send it through the airwaves.
You are not alone.
All I can say is I am so sorry. I have been there, and I know exactly how you feel. I too wanted to keep my family together because the thought of raising my daughter myself, and trying to make ends meet myself was too difficult to even think about. But in the end, the trust was broken, and that was it; there was no way to get it back. So, I kicked him out, and moved on with my life, with my daughter. I am happy to say that we have been divorced for almost 8 years now, and I have been happily married to my “new” husband for over 5 years. I’ll admit it was tough, and I ended up filing bankruptcy because of the amount of debt I was left with, but a damaged credit rating and a few sleepless nights was worth it to have the happiness that I have now.
It’s a big step, and a huge, difficult, endless second-guessing yourself decision, but it is one that only you can make, and it can only be made when you are ready.
Good luck, and God bless! :)
~Dana~
I’m so sorry. No one can know how they’ll respond in a situation like this until they’re there. And likewise, no one but you can decide what you need to do.
I have no advice, but I wish you peace.
I don’t know if counseling will help, and I know that you are going through a rough time right now, but I know that you will be ok. You seem like a really strong and smart person. I send you hugs. Good luck.
You can’t fake happiness. My mom divorced and followed up with an unhappy marriage in which she still suffers. Just know how much your your happiness means in everythign you do. Follow what will make you happy, workin’ it out or packin’ up.
You deserve happiness.
You are in my thoughts. And honey, when I saw you I thought “Oh my goodness, she’s GORGEOUS.” You have NOT given the best years of your life to your husband. You’re smart and strong and beeyootiful and I know you’ll get through this, whatever you decide.
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how awful this must be for you.
Delurking also and new blog reader…
I’m so so sorry!
Sucks being on that end but at least you found out instead of someone telling you about it which always makes things worse. I hope for everybodies sake ya’ll come to a decision soon on what to do as its never good to let these things just ride out.
I will add my voice to the “give yourself some time to think” and “get a lawyer” columns. If divorce does happen, it will move fast and you need to protect yourself, your kids, and your business.
I think the fact that he suggested counseling is a good sign, but who knows if you’ll ever trust him again.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
Just another voice of support saying we’re with you, we ache with you and, eventually, we’ll be there to laugh with you again.
All my best,
Mike
Oh Izzy… I’m so, so sorry. If you need a shoulder that has been there and done that, please don’t hesitate to contact me. In the meantime, you’ll be in my prayers. You WILL get through this, and come out the other side (wherever that lands you) and one day you won’t feel so broken anymore. I promise.
Commenting as a stranger to you but not to the situation, I recommend taking him up on the marriage counseling thing. The purpose isn’t necessarily reconciliation but working through issues, many of which will be part of your life whether or not he is. That said, I’m sorry you’re hurting.
What a horrible thing to discover. I am so sorry, but am glad to hear that your husband is open to counseling if you decide to go that route. I will be thinking of you and will, of course, support whatever you decide to do.
My thought is to try the counseling but I know very little about the situation and of course only you can decide what is right for you.
I wish you all the best during this challenging time.
This really sucks. I’m sorry.
Don’t forget to breathe. In stressful times, we sometimes forget to. xoxo
I am so sorry. No one should have to go through this. You have so much support no matter what you decide to do. Take care.
Izzy, I’m so sorry. So. Very. Sorry. I hope you’re able to find strength and courage in this really difficult time.
I know that no matter what any of us say it won’t take away your pain and heartache, but do know that we are all rooting for you and think that you deserve nothing but the best. many ((hugs))
This is the first time I’ve read your blog - directed by Amy/Amalah’s Mom’s Daily Dose - I am four months out from a similar betrayal. Not that you need to talk to someone you don’t know -but if you do, you have my email and I’m willing to share. You have a great many comments and friends - use them and when you’re upset, count the offers of help you’ve received - little or big - in any form. It will help.
I just came over from Suburban Oblivion, I am so very sorry for your pain. I wish you the best and hope things work out for you, whatever you do.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through such a shitty and gut wrenching situation. It’s hard to know what’s right for ourselves sometimes, but factor in kids and the decisions get more difficult. Just remember, the kids matter, but so do you. Do what YOU need to do.
I’m giving the husband a virtual kick in the balls as I type.
((hugs))
Izzy, I am so sorry…I’ve been in a very similar situation. It was many years ago and in those early raw days I also wanted to cut and run. I almost did.
This ‘relationship’ is a symptom…if you have an inkling that your marriage is salvageable I’d recommend at least trying counseling. For the kids if nothing else; you want to be able to know you tried.
Trust CAN be rebuilt…especially if your situation is the same as mine that no actual *physical* infidelity has occurred.
But you have to go with your gut.
Gosh girl, I’m so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.
I know you are angry right now as you should be but I hope you give counseling a chance. It saved my marriage two years ago. I felt like you do now. I just wanted to give up and move on but I would look at the children we created together and feel guilty about wanting to run. The counseling and a few weekend getaways helped us to remember how we used to feel. So often I think affairs happen because the spark is gone and there is something very addicting about that feeling you get when you first start dating someone. You know that butterflies-in-the-stomach-can’t-wait-to-see-that-person-again feeling. Marriage and parenting can be draining. We take each other for granted.
Just remember that this isn’t about you but about him. Something is missing and he is turning to someone else looking for it. Men do this more often than women usually because they are not as good about communicating their feelings. It’s worth a try to see if you can bring back the spark. It’s possible that your marriage will be better than it was before. That is what happened for us after counseling. If it still doesn’t work out then you will be able to say that you tried.
Thinking about you. All my best to you as you navigate through this.
Well by now it seems utterly redundant to say it, but I’m sorry you’ve fallen on hard times. No assvice here, just trust yourself and do what’s right for you. I’m sending this post to a friend of mine who did the same thing to her husband.
I know we’ve only swapped a few really informal emails, but I just wanted to call you and say, “Oh, honey…”. I even have a tear in my eye reading this.
I have a little experience with a similar situation. It was different too - my husband used to be an alcoholic and we almost split up a year and a half ago. But somehow most of the time I felt like the alcohol was just like “another woman”.
Although we saved our marriage, that’s obviously not the solution for everyone. I’ll email you some posts I wrote on my personal blog in case it helps.
(((Izzy)))
Been there. I know how you must be feeling. Only you know what’s best for you and your family, but I gotta say…try counselling first, for the kids sake at least.
I am so sorry for what is happening, and reading your post was deja vu for me, because my husband and I just went through this (though not with an ex-girlfriend, but rather a new woman). It has happened twice. The first time, I forgave him. The second I told him to get his crap together or I am leaving him with our infant son. He also knows that I do not trust him, and that he is still in the process of trying to earn that trust back. Our relationship has changed… and it is no where near as comfortable and easy as it was, but I am hopeful that it will be again.
Anyway, You are in my thoughts and prayers during this trying and hard time. Do what is best for you and your children and the rest will fall in to place.
I’m so very sorry sweetheart. So very sorry. My heart is aching for you.
I hope you know his bahavior has nothing to do with you. You are georgous, smart, talented, funny. Like Slackermommy said, he’s looking for a missing piece of himself.
So, so very sorry that your heart is hurting. (((big, big hugs))) And shedding a few tears for you now, because even though I don’t *know* you I feel that I know you.
Hi!!! I was wondering if I could be added to the blogroll. Bloggerchicks. I didn’t know how to email, i’m sorry!!!
Tami Peterson
Oh god, Izzy, I am so sorry to hear about this.
I’m so sorry for you. I’ve been there & you can come out of this, stronger than you’ve ever thought.
You can check out my brand new blog
http://lifeafteradivorce.blogspot.com/
This is jumping the gun, but you might want to have a look. It’s not a venting blog, just a encouraging one. Maybe it will help.
or you can PM me.
My daughter found your blog & told me I should post .
be strong.
Peace.
~S
Izzy, I’m so sorry. And sending you hugs and support.
My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine how hurt you are feeling right now. I wish I had some great advice or magic wand fix. I agree that the marriage councelor is a good thing. It doesn’t always mean you end up staying together, but it helps to work out issues, which is important regardless of which road you go down. Mostly for your children’s sake.
De-lurking to say how sorry I am to hear this. Please consider going to therapy. If now with him at first then by yourself. If for some reason that doesn’t work then you can say you’ve done everything you could when your kids ask why.
Best of luck to you.
Holy crap. I am so sorry Izzy. I wish you the best!
Isn’t it ironic how the things that strain our marriages are the same things that make us want to keep them going? Somebody call Alanis.
It looks like you have a lot of great advice here, but mostly it’s the support that will help you get through this and WOW do you have some support.
I know nothing will console you now except going back in time to before everything went to sh-t. But given the opportunity, where would you go? Maybe that might help you figure out where you want to be in the future.
For what it’s worth, I agree mostly with Slackermommy. He was lacking something he didn’t know he could get right at home–if he just tried. Somebody call Shirley Temple (the bluebird of happiness was there the whole friggin time).
Also, this betch ho of an ex-girlfriend hunted him down, flattered him, and lured him into this at a time when the drudgery of life and responsibility were wearing on you both (you’re just a little more mature). Now, I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m defending him, because he knew he was doing something wrong. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have hidden it. It’s just that feeling attractive to someone other than your spouse is really intoxicating. Addicting even. It’s a cookie jar of monstrous proportions.
You know I’m behind whatever you do and of course, though it would be cramped for a while, you and the kidlets can always bunk with me.
I’m also for the whole taking your time thing. Call me when you need to.
Love,
Apryl
Izzy, even just thinking of how you must feel is making me feel sick. I can totally understand feeling like trashing it all and walking away. At the same time, I think it might be worth it to talk, to probe a bit and see if there is something to salvage. I am not one who thinks women should just forgive and stand by their man, but after some time and some talk, things might change a little. If it’s not happening? Well, we just need to build that blogger compound and have everybody move in and share babysitting, then, don’t we?
Long time lurker. First time poster. My heart sincerely aches for you. Give yourself some time and follow your heart.
oh izzy…. I ache for you … ((((((hugs)))))
Oh holy hell, that totally, totally sucks. Here’s hoping for the best possible outcome for all involved.
Wow. I’m so sorry. I know how much it sucks to be betrayed by someone you love so dearly. I hope that everything works out for you. Be strong.
Wow lady, I’m so sorry and I know that doesn’t help, but I’ve been there, and I am here for you- email me if you like, looks like you have a huge support group..that’s exactly what you need in a time such as this..
Thinking about you.
fucking shitty. lousy lousy horrible times.
I know. I’ve been in similar places.
And I understand the desire to bolt.
trust your heart honey. do what you need to do to make it right for you and the kids.
I wish the answers were easy.
It makes me feel so shallow and stupid to be posting about jokes and recipes when you’re going through such a time of it. I have no advice, can’t possibly tell you what to do but you have all my thoughts and best wishes.
I’ve seen your name all around the blogosphere, and when I saw the link at Life of Pie, I came over to see how to lend support. Not that I know how to do that. I’ve been in a similar sucky situation, and it just sucks, sucks, sucks. I’m so sorry. However, you may find that counseling works, and for all the years you’ve put in, a few months investment in counseling may be worthwhile before you decide.
Im sorry to hear that.I can feel your pain.Well,get yourself busy.Time heals all wounds.Goodluck to you!
:(
EXACTLY the same thing happened to me. My husband and I worked through it and I’m glad we did, now. But it did take a LONG time for me to forgive him. I hope that you’re doing okay.
16 years…
High school sweethearts…
We did everyone thing right (even our counselor said so)…affectionate, loving, date nights, communication, couldn’t wait to see each other, blah blah blah)
7 months ago he started telling me OUT OF THE BLUE ways he had betrayed me before we were married, and in the first couple of years…..WHY tell me?? Because he wanted a clean slate, he needed to be honest with me about everything in our lives….which led to…..
He had been having an affair for the last 3-4 months.
Ladies…I was the one that always said I would know. How could I not? But he was very sneaky. Only saw her and talked to her during the day when he was working…lunches, texting, afternoon trysts. I had not a clue…He was the same he had always been. Loving, compassionate, the man I had loved and trusted my entire life.
Went to counseling. Asked him why…he said I dont know. Counselor said, you will figure out why, otherwise how can you stop it from happening again?
The day he figured it out was like an oprah “a ha” moment…
I had always been the love of his life. I was the one for him. Completely happy. Met a woman who let it be known she wanted to get to know him. (she worked at a restuarant where he took clients) He got to know her a bit, and started thinking of her and had that “feeling” you have when you first meet someone, which he hadn’t felt in 20 years.
He took that to mean, if someone else could make him feel that way, maybe we didn’t have the relationship he thought. Because when you get married and find your partner, you ARE NEVER TOO FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN.
Basically, if your happy, committed and content, NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE YOU DOUBT THAT.
Which we all know is BS. It happens, it just doesnt mean what you already have isnt right.
So months of counseling and we are on the right track. Had a recommitment ceremony for our anniversary. Trust is still hard. The other woman didnt take the end well. And I asked hubby ALOT of questions that should NEVER be asked…and he was brutally honest.
Yeah, dont ever ask after a month if he misses her. Cause you will get kicked in the gut all over again. But i appreciate his honesty now.
What KVETCH said in the comments is right. Trust is earned. My hubby understands that. I know he thinks I should trust him instantly, but he knows it will take time. He sits with me through my moments of insanity, because he understands he is the reason for it.
Go to counseling. You have to do all you can to see if the marriage can be saved.
And if you choose to move on with him, and work it out, don’t punish him. Us women tend to hold grudges :), and being cold to him, making him sleep in another room, even another house doesnt help.
I was worried that my husband would think I was a “doormat” since I never kicked him out and things actually went back to normal pretty quick.
He thinks I’m stronger for sticking with it, dealing with it and having us be in the house together to work on it.
Do the counseling. He has to be 100% honest with you to have it work. There is a reason why he has done this. He might not know it, or want to go through the pain of figuring it out, but he has to in order to work it out.
I dont know you, but you can email me. Sometimes its nice to talk to someone you dont know (obviously since I just put my BS on a comment section of a blog)
Good luck….
Please, please give your marriage a chance. Maybe just one small chance? I’ve had so many divorced friends tell me (even after they were married a second or third time) that they wished they would have tried harder with the first marriage. Prayers for you!