How I Wish…
I’m feeling so melancholic this weekend and I don’t know why it is exactly (although I hope it means my period is coming) but I’ve been thinking about my children a lot. I mean, of course I think about them all the time but I’ve been thinking about them in a different way.
I get this way from time to time and it’s always epiphany-like, as I suddenly see them so clearly, as these pure little beings that practically emanate light. But I also see them as distinct and unique and absolutely perfect just as they are. It’s almost like I’m seeing them the way God (insert divine creator of your choice) sees them.
It’s truly a gift and for this brief period in time, I feel no frustrations, no impatience. Rather, I feel myself trying to soak up the essence of who they are RIGHT NOW and trying in vain to commit it to some kind of sense memory because I know that it’s something that can’t be recorded on videotape or captured in a still photograph.
My husband surely thinks I’m a sucker because when my son, who isn’t tired because he took a late nap, calls me into his room for the umpteenth time, I get him out of his crib and he jumps from my arms onto the big bed and gets under the covers, giggling. I join him and simply enjoy being in this moment where nothing else matters but us having a few minutes of illegal post-bedtime fun grabbing each other’s noses and playing with a flashlight.
When my daughter, who went to an evening birthday party and came home well past her bedtime gets out of bed to tell us she’s too excited about school on Monday (amongst other things) to go to sleep, I feel nothing but understanding. I’m not compelled to usher her back to her bed right away but instead I engage her for a few minutes as she tells me what’s on her mind, treasuring this moment instead of wishing for silence.
As I listen to her, I study her profile and I’m struck by how big she suddenly is and subsequently, how beautiful she is in an untamed, lust-for-life kind of way.
My heart melts in bursts of pride and pain. She’s all mine. For now. In a few years she will think I’m stupid and hopelessly uncool and that I couldn’t possibly understand the complexities of her tween/pre-teen life. Then high school, college and beyond. *shiver*
At least once a month, I playfully implore her not to get any older and she playfully agrees, though I know she loves every second of being newly seven. She’s suddenly so mature and it scares me because I don’t even know when it happened. I also remind her not to try and grow up too fast because being a grown up is a drag and again she promises me she won’t because she loves being a kid so much.
Oh, how I wish that could really be. How I wish I could keep them little forever. How I wish I could freeze moments in time and revisit them whenever I wanted. How I wish I could always see my children the way I do today.
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Oh Izzy. This was beautiful. I think I know. After I put Jack to bed last night I lay with him and studied his face — it’s losing its last traces of “baby.” I can’t believe he’ll be six in December. I wanted to freeze that face with the hint of roundness in the cheeks and the rosebud mouth.
He starts kindergarten in two weeks. :(
It goes fast.
Gorgeous post.
I’ve been feeling this pull lately as well. I hope that it’s your period for both our sakes.
I think she will keep those promise. Sure, it’ll be different, but her head will rest on your shoulder, her voice will call out to you. Never again the same, but always your baby, always your magic.
Exquisite post, thanks for the journey.
So resonant. I think this blog will keep these moments for you.
That was lovely. Sounds like I’m not the only one that goes through the monthly meloncholy. My Shecky is 7 as well. Every night I tuck him in. We play and giggle a little. He asks me to sing him to sleep. I dread the day he no longer things mommy sings better than anyone… and the day he no longer asks me to sing.
I love this post! It’s nice to forget about bedtimes and the worries of spoiling and just be.
I’ve been reading so much of this sentiment the last couple of weeks. I wonder if it’s the close of summer that’s bringing it on.
I do know what you mean about seeing them with different eyes, sometimes, though. This morning I was smoothing sunscreen over Pumpkinpie’s face, Misterpie was holding back her hair, and I was just shocked by how lovely she is. She’s just got this perfect little face.
And last week it somehow came up that when kids grow up, they leave home and get their own home. She freaked out, “I don’t wanna leave!” So nice to hear, kid, because I bet by the time you’re old enough, you’ll be dying to!
We were at a birthday party last night with the families in the playgroup we’ve been in since my son was three-months-old (because you know how important it is to get those ninety-day-old kids out there in a playgroup!).
My heart was heavy as I watched all of the now 3 yo running around playing with each other and chatting it up, when it seems like only yesterday we were bouncing them on our knees.
I don’t want a third, but I’m not so sure I’ll feel celebratory next month when my baby turns two :-(
Lil Satchmo is going to be five. Soon.
He announced to me “You know, soon I’ll be six then seven then eight. I’m really getting big.”
I thought my heart would burst. Because when I brought him home weighing over 9 pounds - I wondered how I would ever carry him, he was so heavy.
And now he will be five then six then seven then eight……
Oh, come on now. Being “grown up” is not always a “drag.”
And, make some home movies! That way you can always watch them when they’re this age - even if they’re in that rebellious stage.
Now I am sitting here, teary. This is beautiful.
I can relate to this post on so many levels. I will be turning 30 on August 30 and while I am not having problems getting older and am startinge to wonder if I can keep my daughter from ever getting older. I love the cuddling and innocence and excitelment of childhood and I don’t ever want her to experience the potential heartache of adulthood.
Such a great post.
So beautifully written. I was just looking on as my daughter had a conversation with her dad this morning….she just seemed so grown up. Her speech, her thoughtful observations, her perfectly placed smiles, her appearance…everything. I just stopped for a second and committed that moment to memory. They get big so fast.
Wonderful reflection. My daughter is 11, and my son is 8, and they still love to snuggle and hug and curl up in bed with me. They are bickering more with each other, but they are still best friends, and they snuggle each other before bed.
My kids are full of love and affection, and I hope they never lose that.
Wonderful. We should all remember to be like this as often as possible.
Thanks for this great post (and I’m keeping my fingers crossed on the monthly thing, as well). I know that I actually need a little away time from PunditGirl at the moment to rediscover some of those feelings. While “mommy camp” has been a good thing for her, it’s wearing me down. And I need some time to get refreshed so I can see her through those eyes again. She’ll be 8 soon, so those special moments will be fewer and fewer.
How touching. I know how you feel. Just today I was looking at Cordy and thinking about how hard it is now to cuddle with her, and wondering how much longer I have to scoop her up in my arms and hold her close. It’s hard to watch them grow up.
Well, now you’ve gone and made me cry!
I know I need to take a step back and enjoy this time more than I do. Three is such a rough age though. Between tantrums and temperment and trying to assert independence my patience is tested to the limit. I need to try and see things from her point of view more often, and take a chill pill.
Thanks for putting that in perspective.
That was a beautiful post. I find myself trying to photograph memories in my mind to remember forever exactly how things are right now…
This is so how I feel about my nine and five year old girls. I too want to enjoy the here and now, to savor those moments when they open their little hearts to me, to not always wish for silence as you said or shoo them away when they are underfoot. This time in their lives is so fleeting. I want to relish and savor every moment.
I’m working hard on that “Stop Time” machine. I’ll let you know when I’ve got it finished. You can use it right after I stop my kid from growing up.
Amen. To feel marvelous about them each and every day would be such a treasure, but to have these moments in bits and pieces is equally valuable! Lucky Izzymom.
Awww.. sweet post… I can relate…
I get that feeling when I see how long my 6 year old’s legs look dangling out of his shorts and when I kiss his cheek and notice that his baby fat is melting away and he is getting the more chiseled features of a little boy.
In other words, I think I can relate to what you wrote here.
It’s wonderful that you are able to enjoy your children in this way. It’s so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of life and miss it, isn’t it?
Beautiful post.
That was beautiful.
And I get it.
wonderful post. thanks for reminding me to stay in the moment. soo difficult, yet soooo important.
How very true. I understand….I love photographs for this very reason. Just a simple still image can take me back to a moment.
Beautiful. I SO get this, and I was feeling a lot of the same this weekend while visiting my relatives that I hardly see. I so don’t want them to grow up, and my baby almost isn’t anymore.
Oh how well I know that feeling. The times when something is just bigger and more important than the usual boundaries.
Julie
Ravin’ Picture Maven
That was beautiful, I started to get teary eyed. I think about Bubbie getting old enough to go to school and I cry. His first year went by like a flash, I also wish I could freeze time just to be able to go back and revisit.
That one reason I like blogging, I can go back to the archives and re-read the post, like a digital scrapbook.
This was a lovely, lovely post. And when they’re preteens and we’re dumb? They’re still ours - just not as regularly.
i love this. so beautiful and so perfect AND I JUST LOVE IT!
random note- did you ever get my post blogher 07 email that i sent to you?
I love this post. And as a side effect, perfect for my mood today.
Lovely post capturing complex feelings that every decent, thinking parent must face and get through. The thought of my girls growing up and spreading their wings excites and frightens at the same time. There is a track on the new Okkervil River record that speaks about a father still seeing his “baby girl” as an eight year old, even though she is older, disconnected from his life and he from hers. It is the saddest song I have heard in a long time. Your words here remind me of that same feeling I get listening to that tune (Savannah Smiles).
Oh, if only we could bottle that feeling. I’ve felt it, too. The fleetingness of childhood makes me so, so, sad. What a beautiful post this was. Thank you.
But if you kept them little forever you’d miss all the fun Bossy’s been having, eating her way across New England. She means ‘visiting colleges’.
Beautiful post, Izzy. I know exactly, exactly how you feel. I feel that way every now and then about Max, most recently this last week.
Beautiful post- I often ask my 4 yr old to stop growing just for a little bit, she is going too fast. And how awesome to take the time and to do the snuggling and funning and not get lost in the craziness of life!
What do you mean…they grow up?
This is truly beautiful, Izzy. I read it through bloglines awhile back but never commented. Someone else reminded me about it and I had to say how much I loved reading your words.
I was referred over here by Believer in Balance and love this post - it is so beautiful! And a reminder I definitely need to remember to be with and cherish my kids as they are today. Thank you!
You brought tears to my eyes when you mentioned how your little girl looks growing up. I feel the same way, and my daughters make me tear.
Perfect post indeed. I shouldn’t have read this after wine.
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