Notes to Self

Note to Self #1:

The next time you think of trying on your pre-preggers jeans to see if you’ve made any progress (because while you have not lost ONE SINGLE POUND, they ARE getting looser) you might want to check the calendar and make sure it’s not the day before your period.

It will save you vast amounts of frustration and perhaps a little brain damage via headbanging, as well, and NOT the recreational “I heart Metallica” kind either, but more of the “WHY THE EVER LOVING HELL CAN I NOT LOSE ONE MOTHERFARKING POUND? while your forehead bleeds profusely” kind.

You’ll get a pass this time because the ruiner-of-all-underwear and bringer-of-many zits DID come a few days early but please, pay attention next month.

And lucky you, this year you won’t have your period at BlogHer and have to hit up the maids for some super plus tampons from their private stash because you didn’t want to leave a quarter mile trail of blood to and from those crazy ass vending machines where you could buy cell phones and ENTIRE BAGS of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies.

Now thank the baby Jesus one more time for nice maids with heavy periods.

Note to Self #2:

The next time you’re goofing off on your computer when you should be doing something educational or horizon-broadening with your toddler, look at him very closely when he climbs up on your desk for the seventh time in 15 minutes.

Had you done that today, you might have noticed that he had removed his diaper (because you were too lazy to put shorts on him after changing him) and you might have been better prepared for him to pee ALL OVER YOUR DESK, mouse, mouspad, camera USB cable and God knows what else.

And right after you finished cleaning the first massive pee tsunami, it was really awesome the way you caught shower number two with a Guinness glass full of ice. Pee. On the rocks!

But the point is that even though you caught it the second time, you should have been diapering him instead of skimming yet another forwarded email extolling the virtues of George Bush from you know who. She knows you’re not a fan but she still sends them which is really just obnoxious and maybe even a little passive-aggressive?

Next time just hit delete because it’s only going to be more of the same anyway and put a damn diaper on your son instead.

Note to Self #3:

The next time you think it might be fun and kind of a special treat to take the kids out solo to eat dinner (because you’re still mad at your huz from this morning) and decide Pizza Hut will be a good kid-friendly choice, stop thinking that thought immediately because it will NOT be a good choice.

Sure, it was nearly empty in Pizza Hut but they have one of those stupid ass crane machines where it costs $100 in quarters to win one crappy stuffed animal that was probably made in some Chinese sweat shop by a four year old and is probably filled with lead shavings and little balls of mercury instead of little white balls of polystyrene and of course, it’s like a ginormous and totally irresistible magnet to both of your kids.

So while you stand around watching them molest this machine in every conceivable way and listen to a medley of eighties gems by New Order, Frankie Goes to Hollywood and OMD while waiting for your food, you spy a girl playing air guitar to a song that clearly and rather curiously has no guitars in it and it occurs to you that for one brief moment this feels like a G-rated David Lynch film and you halfway believe that at any moment a midget in a pink tutu sporting a ZZ-Top-like beard will come rollerskating out with your food.

Then you snap out of it because your son, age 25 months and way cuter than a speckled pup, decides he’d rather go behind the counter of Pizza Hut and then kicks it up one more notch and runs into the little alcove where the drive through window is. And then he’s laying on the floor laughing at you. And then he decides to run from you into the bathroom except he can’t open the door.

On and on the circus continues and suddenly, being at home with your husband doesn’t seem so bad and you might even accept his previously offered apology after all. You tell the nice lady your order is now “TO GO!!!” and she nods in total appreciation of this capitol idea!

The point? Eating out with the kids during the witching hour (5-8pm), even at Pizza Hut, is a bad, bad idea.

NEVER, EVER have that idea again.

••••••••

Once again, there’s booty to be scored over at Props and Pans. We’re giving away one of those ultra-cool SATees for a baby, toddler or child — YOUR CHOICE!

All you have to do is leave a comment telling us which one you want if you’re the winner. It’s a total no-brainer and even if you don’t have kids, they make a great gift!

It’s All About Me and a Little About You

When demigoddess Mocha Momma BEGGED me to do this BlogMe 07 thingy I was like, “Oh, alright. I guess I could do it” because you know…I hate to see a grown woman cry and stuff ;)

So anyway, the name of the game is to illuminate yourself as much as you can in ten seconds. Ten seconds? Is that ten seconds of typing? Ten seconds of thinking? I confuse easily.

Okay, here goes some serious stream of consciousness nonsense about me:

• I have a BA in Communications, for all the good it’s done me.

• I used to teach developmentally-delayed adults

• I also used to teach Beginning and Advanced Photoshop at a design college.

• I went on the internet for the first time in 1994 and it’s been true love ever since.

• I own the domain name ilovecoffeecups.com because? I love coffee cups (but no, I don’t actively collect them). Yes, I’m serious.

Fascinating, aren’t I?

Well then…I hope you won’t mind if I move on to another little assignment because, as the title of this posts indicates, it’s ALL about ME and the more you know me, the more you shall love me — or find me incredibly annoying.

Okay, I was tagged for this baby several weeks ago by Dallas Meow and as always, I’m late but I don’t think it matters because it’s not like these eight things about me are going to expire or get moldy or anything, right? Right.

Alrighty then. Please fasten your seatbelts as these facts fall under the category of “extreme excitement” and I wouldn’t want you to get hurt and then try to sue me or something.

1- I have two gray hairs in my head that I pull out whenever they appear.

2- I have a long white hair that grows from my forehead above my eyebrow. Don’t try to look for it because I pluck it religiously.

3- I fail to see the fascination with watermelon. I hate the texture and the seeds and it’s just too…watery.

4- I also loathe egg salad or any salad that has chopped onions, celery or relish in it. NO crunchy shit in my tuna, potato or pasta salad, dammit!

5 - I’m seriously craving baby back ribs this week. MUST HAVE.

6 - I want to buy this adorable bungalow, fix it up and sell it for a tidy profit. I’m completely obsessing over it this week, along with those ribs.

7- I’ve always wanted to own my own business. I have an awesome idea for one but I can’t tell you what it is. Oh, and can I borrow $200,000? I’m totally good for it.

8- My credit score is a gleaming 794. I’m a good risk. Can I get that money now?

Sick of me yet? Yeah, me too.

Moving on…

Okay, now it’s my turn to pass the memes, dole out love and things of that nature.

I was named a Rockin’ Girl Blogger by four mighty nice ladies and each time is worth five people that I’m also supposed to deem Rockin’ so that’s like…TWENTY PEOPLE?

Holy Timesuck, Batman! It’s not that I don’t know twenty rockin’ chicks but seriously, it’s 11pm and the sofa is a-callin’ my name so even though I can think of hundreds of women worthy of the title, I’m going to narrow it down to just a few bloggers that are new/newish to me because I like to spread the lurve far and wide, dig?

Drum roll, please!

And my designees for Rockin Girl Blogger status are, in no particular order:

Judy from the GoodyBlog for many reasons that should be plainly obvious to all who know her awesomeness and because I love the GoodyBlog. It’s like all the best mom, baby, parenting, news and shopping blogs all rolled up into one; serving up wonderful, tasty morsels every day.

Aimee from GreebleMonkey. She’s smart, always interesting and she wrote this post that made me want to stand up and cheer, mostly because I don’t have the balls to go there, even though I totally agree.

Working Girl from Pad and Panty. Working Girl is a labor and delivery nurse. She writes a lot about her job and I’m completely fascinated by her stories.

Bitsy Parker of ValueWit and Props and Pans. Opinionated, observant and funny…I adore Bitsy’s writing. There’s just something about the way she tells a story or writes a review that I love.

Canape of Don’t Take the Repeats and Props and Pans. The heart behind Team WhyMommy, Canape is doing amazing things for her dear friend WhyMommy, who was recently diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer. She’s not really new to me but she truly does rock.

Fairly Odd Mother of Fairly Odd Mother says she is a married, workaholic, homeschooling, liberal, quasi-vegetarian stay-at-home mom to three beautiful children. I just dig her.

Slouching Mom of Slouching Towards 40. She writes these amazing posts. Some reach out and touch my heart and others are just so beautifully crafted that I feel like I’m reading a piece of art. That’s the only way I can describe it.

That’s all for now. I may add others later when my eyeballs are more up to the task of staying open without one of those scary eye-holder-opener devices from “A Clockwork Orange”

If you made it this far, leave a comment so I can make YOU a ROCKIN’ READER and give ya some linky love. Mwah!!!!

Oh, and if you want to do the BlogMe in Ten Seconds meme (whether you’re attending BlogHer or not) you can find all the info here.

As a matter of fact, I think I’ll tag ALL OF YOU!

And to sweeten up this looong post just a teeny bit more, there’s booty to be scored over at Props and Pans. We’re giving away one of those ultra-cool SATees for a baby, toddler or child — YOUR CHOICE! All you have to do is leave a comment telling us which one you want if you’re the winner. It’s a total no-brainer and even if you don’t have kids, they make a great gift!

How Much Would You Endure to Lose More Weight?

So the other day I’m at the CVS pharmacy, also known as the store with the $50 cover charge because I always leave there with at least that much less in my checking account, and while I waited for a prescription I started looking at the Alli brochures.

Have you heard of Alli? It’s an over-the-counter FDA approved diet aid that’s selling out of stores everywhere.

Anyway, I was reading the brochure for this stuff that’s being advertised everywhere because I was curious. Like most women, I want to lose a few pounds. And hey! It’s FDA approved. It MUST work, right? *snort*

From what I gleaned, you lose weight with Alli because instead of absorbing fat, your body expels some of it when you um…take a poo.

Then I read the line in the “treatment effects” about how if you eat too much fat while taking it, you may suffer from gas with an oily discharge. Oh, and possibly some “loose stools” that may be difficult to control, too.

And then it hit me!!! That’s how it REALLY works!!!

It scares you into not eating as much fat because who, in their right mind, would take a chance on farting greasy discharge into their clothes and walking around all day with an ever-enlarging and presumably smelly oily spot on their ass, ESPECIALLY, when the average person passes gas EIGHTEEN times a day?

And the loose, uncontrollable stools? Uh yeah, those are definitely a dealbreaker because hello? Shitting in your pants? So NOT suave.

I also read that the makers of Alli suggest wearing dark clothes and carrying an extra pair of pants. AN EXTRA PAIR OF PANTS!!! Seriously?

Apparently there is an Alli Accident Support Group, too. For reals. Although a little weird, I guess that’s a good thing because it’s been ohhhh about 34 years since I’ve had one of those kinds of accidents and as an adult, I’m sure it would be a lot more traumatizing than it is when you’re six.

So tell me, folks, would the aforementioned side effects “treatment effects” scare you into eating less fat or would you just wear a big old pad or something and go about your business?

I mean, it probably does help eliminate some fat absorption (30% is the claim) but I do think the majority of weight loss, for me anyway, would come from avoiding too much fat so you don’t suffer those “treatment effects.”

They sound remarkably similar to the warning on those scary Olestra potato chips, which I have yet to try for fear of foul-smelling oily spots in my underwear and pants because you know…I’m average. I may very well fart eighteen times a day. That’s a LOT of greasy discharge..

Is anyone thinking of trying Alli?

Anyone out there that has tried Alli?

Would you tell us if you had greasy farts or leaked some brown in your pants?

Okay, okay. You don’t have to tell us that.

I’m mostly just curious to know if it’s effective and if it has made you consciously eat less fat.

Thanks in advance for sharing :)

An Open Letter to a Very Important Person

Dear Ms. Important Lady,

Judging by your very expensive suit, perfectly coordinated and equally expensive accessories, and very tastefully done highlights and coif, you must be somebody VERY important. No, really. I totally mean that.

But I’m still confused about why you’re out doing your own menial tasks, you know, like going to the post office. Did your assistant call in sick today? Perhaps that’s the reason for your extremely rude behavior…?

But hey, I get it. I know doing something as pedestrian as mailing an envelope must be terribly vexing for you. Having to be around so many of us average folk; the little people of the world…it’s unthinkable!

However, when a woman carrying a 30lb toddler with one arm and a fairly sizable and unwieldy box with the other arm goes out of her way to keep the door open for you, you might want to be a bit more gracious.

I could have let it close and hit you in your pointy, rodent-like face but I didn’t. Adding insult to injury, when I started to drop my box in the course of being polite to you, did you even stop to help? No.

Did you even bother to say thank you? No.

Seriously, lady. I had a child in one arm and a box in the other. You should have been helping ME and you did nothing but breeze past like I was your personal doorman.

So, I hope you were appropriately embarrassed when I said “YOU’RE WELCOME!” and perhaps you even heard me mutter a nasty name as you kept walking; leaving me in the wake of your self-importance and stinky perfume.

But just so you know… You’re not going to turn me into a rude self-involved asshat like yourself. No. I’m going to keep holding doors for people and thanking people when they do it for me and I’ll continue to model good manners and graciousness for my children. Except when I feel compelled to utter a nasty name about someone as rude and inconsiderate as yourself, of course.

As for you… I do believe in karma. You’ll get your comeuppance eventually. With any luck, it will hit you right in your pointy rodent-like face.

Yours in Better Manners,
IzzyMom

˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚

Believe it or not…this sort of thing happened to me twice in one week. The second time was at a restaurant.

I had to go out to the car to change a diaper (a mother’s work is NEVER done, is it?) and as I was coming back inside with my son on my hip, I waited and held the door for the woman about five feet behind me and she didn’t say thank you either.

But I still said “You’re welcome!” and I said it in the most sickeningly sweet sing-song voice. I’m sure she got the message. Bitch.

Some Unsolicited Advice For New Moms

Tonight I noticed someone did a Google image search that brought them to a photo of my son right after he was born which, by the way, really creeped me out. I clicked the link that led me to a post I wrote when my son turned one; a re-telling of his birth.

As I read the post, I realized how much I had already forgotten about his birth in just two years. I thanked myself for having written his birth story and then I was struck with a pang of regret.

I had nothing written about the birth of my daughter. But then again, my c-section was a wholly unpleasant experience so maybe it’s for the best. We do have lots of pictures. Those count. Right?

Well anyway, what I want to tell every mom of a new baby is write your birth story. I know you’re probably exhausted and you think you’ll have time later but don’t wait.

Do it now while every detail is still fresh in your mind. Or…tell your baby his birth story while you rock him or nurse him and record it as you’re telling it. Later you can get it transferred to a CD or transcribe it to paper.

However you do it, it will be precious energy well-expended.

I promise :)