Notes to Self
Note to Self #1:
The next time you think of trying on your pre-preggers jeans to see if you’ve made any progress (because while you have not lost ONE SINGLE POUND, they ARE getting looser) you might want to check the calendar and make sure it’s not the day before your period.
It will save you vast amounts of frustration and perhaps a little brain damage via headbanging, as well, and NOT the recreational “I heart Metallica” kind either, but more of the “WHY THE EVER LOVING HELL CAN I NOT LOSE ONE MOTHERFARKING POUND? while your forehead bleeds profusely” kind.
You’ll get a pass this time because the ruiner-of-all-underwear and bringer-of-many zits DID come a few days early but please, pay attention next month.
And lucky you, this year you won’t have your period at BlogHer and have to hit up the maids for some super plus tampons from their private stash because you didn’t want to leave a quarter mile trail of blood to and from those crazy ass vending machines where you could buy cell phones and ENTIRE BAGS of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies.
Now thank the baby Jesus one more time for nice maids with heavy periods.
Note to Self #2:
The next time you’re goofing off on your computer when you should be doing something educational or horizon-broadening with your toddler, look at him very closely when he climbs up on your desk for the seventh time in 15 minutes.
Had you done that today, you might have noticed that he had removed his diaper (because you were too lazy to put shorts on him after changing him) and you might have been better prepared for him to pee ALL OVER YOUR DESK, mouse, mouspad, camera USB cable and God knows what else.
And right after you finished cleaning the first massive pee tsunami, it was really awesome the way you caught shower number two with a Guinness glass full of ice. Pee. On the rocks!
But the point is that even though you caught it the second time, you should have been diapering him instead of skimming yet another forwarded email extolling the virtues of George Bush from you know who. She knows you’re not a fan but she still sends them which is really just obnoxious and maybe even a little passive-aggressive?
Next time just hit delete because it’s only going to be more of the same anyway and put a damn diaper on your son instead.
Note to Self #3:
The next time you think it might be fun and kind of a special treat to take the kids out solo to eat dinner (because you’re still mad at your huz from this morning) and decide Pizza Hut will be a good kid-friendly choice, stop thinking that thought immediately because it will NOT be a good choice.
Sure, it was nearly empty in Pizza Hut but they have one of those stupid ass crane machines where it costs $100 in quarters to win one crappy stuffed animal that was probably made in some Chinese sweat shop by a four year old and is probably filled with lead shavings and little balls of mercury instead of little white balls of polystyrene and of course, it’s like a ginormous and totally irresistible magnet to both of your kids.
So while you stand around watching them molest this machine in every conceivable way and listen to a medley of eighties gems by New Order, Frankie Goes to Hollywood and OMD while waiting for your food, you spy a girl playing air guitar to a song that clearly and rather curiously has no guitars in it and it occurs to you that for one brief moment this feels like a G-rated David Lynch film and you halfway believe that at any moment a midget in a pink tutu sporting a ZZ-Top-like beard will come rollerskating out with your food.
Then you snap out of it because your son, age 25 months and way cuter than a speckled pup, decides he’d rather go behind the counter of Pizza Hut and then kicks it up one more notch and runs into the little alcove where the drive through window is. And then he’s laying on the floor laughing at you. And then he decides to run from you into the bathroom except he can’t open the door.
On and on the circus continues and suddenly, being at home with your husband doesn’t seem so bad and you might even accept his previously offered apology after all. You tell the nice lady your order is now “TO GO!!!” and she nods in total appreciation of this capitol idea!
The point? Eating out with the kids during the witching hour (5-8pm), even at Pizza Hut, is a bad, bad idea.
NEVER, EVER have that idea again.
••••••••
Once again, there’s booty to be scored over at Props and Pans. We’re giving away one of those ultra-cool SATees for a baby, toddler or child — YOUR CHOICE!
All you have to do is leave a comment telling us which one you want if you’re the winner. It’s a total no-brainer and even if you don’t have kids, they make a great gift!
I’ve made mistake #1 and #2 one too many times. I’m a slow learner and I’ve had 4 kids to practice on!
Note to self #2 has so happened to me. I get so lazy sometimes and end up making much more work for myself.
#3 The izza Hut mistake…a G-rated David Lynch! OMG I am LOL! I SO know that exact feeling bwahahahaha…classic way to put it.
Yes, Pizza Hut is surreal, I agree.
And death to those crane machines.
I used to think that it would be so magical to take my oldest out to spend time together, he would act like the DEVIL no matter where we were or what we did.
I think it doesn’t matter what the hour is. When you are alone with them - angels turn to devils.
However, they might be more entertaining if it did turn into a David Lynch movie. Would Kyle McLachlan show up? Would be naked as usual? Because I could totally get behind that.
I had to wait and catch my breath from laughing so hard. I can’t decide if I like the peeing on your desk/in a glass of ice story best - or the crane game in the Pizza Hut!!!!
OMg thank you for my laugh of the day!
Okay, the pee on the rocks quip made me laugh out loud. It also made me put down my glass of ice tea, but it did make me chuckle.
Oh, I needed a laugh today (because I was mad at my husband this morning - what did yours do?) so thank you for improving my day!
I laughed out loud at this post! And, seriously? I really needed to laugh just now. Enjoyable blog. I’ll be back.
Maybe you should have got the pee to go too… since it was in a glass and all? God, that’s killing me. the joys of boys, huh?
omg - sorry to laugh but damn you tell these stories in the best way possible - freakin’ funny.
I continue to make mistake #1, too. Until I witness a sizeable portion of my ass fall off, I’m not trying on anymore pre-pregnancy pants. Too crushing to my ego,
the closest i get to taking the kids out - alone - for a meal is the tim horton’s drive thru :)
Yeah, we are on the same cycle- just like sorority sisters living in the same Internet dorm!
peeing on the desk? that one made me laugh out loud. i’d need copious amounts of pizza to deal with that one.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who is happy that she got her period, just so that it didn’t come during BlogHer!
Oh god, you caught the pee IN the glass? Ewwwwww!
Yep, in a glass. But seriously, it was better than trying to keep the pee from pooling all over and getting my stuff all wet again. The upside? My desk is cleaner than it’s been in ages.
Forward that bush lover to me. I’ve always wanted to know what the other half (ok, other 29%) is like.
and hey, at least you’ve got your period as an excuse for bloating and NOT the pepperidge farm cookies. (ahem)
Sorry about the Sally coming early. But this had me laughing OUT loud at my desk (what a GREAT pic that would have been, imagine): at any moment a midget in a pink tutu sporting a ZZ-Top-like beard will come rollerskating out with your food.
Been there done that with all of these. We don’t go to many restaurants b/c my kid wants to stare down all of the other patrons. It’s a little disconcerting.
And you’ve got some mad skillz to be catching pee in a glass.
If Pizza Hut had midget’s in a pink tutu on roller skates, maybe I would eat there more often
Pee. On. The. Desk.
Nothing could be worse than that.
We have Guiness glasses too. NOw when I see one filled with ice, I will think of your son! :-)
OH and YEAY for early periods that mean you won’t have to worry about that at BlogHer. Kinda. We must be on the same cycle.
i laughed when you expected the zz top bearded rollerskating midget in your david lynch movie.
luckily, my daughter just unplugs my computer if i ignore her.
OMG! TOO funny! I may never look at Pizza Hut the same!1
OMG! TOO funny! I may never look at Pizza Hut the same!1
OMG! TOO funny! I may never look at Pizza Hut the same!1
I always say that I’m so lazy I inconvenience myself. I should make a t-shirt….
OMG well at least the pee can’t be confused for actual Guiness. although how you let your desk stay close to the computer long enough to pee without destroying the whole thing is a mystery to me. If I let mine get close for even second things go flying.
Pizza Hut at dinner time scares me even if I am alone.
That is too funny about the missing diaper craziness.
haha…..tooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!