This is My Brain on Drugs (Edited)

As recently noted, I started back on antidepressants (Zoloft) six days ago and I was extremely hopeful because in the past I’d always felt improvement in a relatively short amount of time but this time? Not so much. I do have a bad cold and I feel like shit but I also feel so…I don’t know. Like I’m just lost in my head most of the day.

I’m also finding it difficult, today in particular, to get motivated to do anything and I’ve been reluctant to answer the phone or interact with anyone besides my husband or children. I just feel sort of detached from everything, which is eerily similar to the way I felt when I had postpartum depression except without the irritability and crying jags. I guess that’s one bright spot.

Also noteworthy…I haven’t been particularly cranky and I’ve been exceedingly patient with the kids. Not that I’m not usually patient but seriously, I’ve been super chill, like I can’t even spare the mental energy it takes to be annoyed.

Ultimately…I feel like I’m getting worse instead of better and quite frankly, all I really want to do is go to sleep and not think about any of it.

(That said, if I haven’t responded to an email or been by your blog, I hope you’ll cut me some slack. I’m trying but with P and I both sick and me feeling like an antisocial slug, I’ve been pretty useless.)

I wanted to thank everyone who left comments of encouragement on my previous post on this topic. I was hesitant to discuss any of this in such a public forum but after seeing how many of you have been where I am or are on antidepressants and doing well, I’m glad I did and I appreciate your candor more than I can say.

It’s very hard to discuss this with people in real life. You feel like you’re just flogging a dead horse and that nobody really wants to hear about it and really, they don’t. Why would they?

At least here, I can write about it and if someone doesn’t want to read about it they can leave and I won’t even know. There’s also something comforting about confiding in strangers. Not that I think of everyone who comes here as a stranger but you know… It’s different than real life. And I’m babbling. Never mind.

I wanted to ask if anyone has had the experience of getting worse before getting better on AD’s. The thought of having to try different ones scares me and I don’t want to do it. Thank you in advance.

And Happy Valentines Day :)

——————–Edited to Add——————–
After a night of restless semi-sleep, I am feeling better than I did when I wrote this post. Unfortunately, it’s time for my next dose and I’m reluctant to take it now. I guess if I do take it, at least I will know if it’s the AD’s making me feel weird or something else. Crossing my fingers and toes…

Five Facts

I beg your indulgence. P and I are both sick with terrible colds and my head is sooo heavy and snot-laden that I’m actually grateful to have been tagged by Spig for this meme. You understand, don’t you?

Five (slightly odd) Facts About Me

1: I love marching bands. Whenever I hear one in person, the hair on my arms stands up and I get goosebumps.

2: I love Tiny Size Chiclets. I’ll buy five packs at a time and eat them all in one sitting.

3: I always cry while watching the Olympics; during the opening & closing ceremonies, when people win, when people lose…

4: I stay up ridiculously late and take a nap every morning. I’ve had my days and nights mixed up for as long as I can remember. Most nights I get a second wind around 10 or 11pm and then I don’t want to go to bed.

5: I floss my teeth every night no matter what. I’ve seen what gum disease can to your grill…

I’m going to tag some chicas from Props and Pans –> Emily, Gidget, Mary, Canape and Nicole please consider yourselves tagged for this Five Facts About Me meme. If you hate memes, feel free to skip. If I didn’t tag you and you want to be tagged, you can pretend that I did.

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Have you voted yet for the finalists in the Share the Love blog awards? Hey, you! I see you rolling your eyes over there!

But seriously, I’m a finalist in the Woman Power category and some great bloggers that I’m very fond of are finalists as well. if you haven’t already voted, go check out who’s nominated for what and throw us a bone! And thank you so much to Heather for sponsoring the awards!

ROFLMBFO = Rolling on the Floor Laughing My Back Fat Off

As always, Cristina and myself are pleased to announce the winners of the January ROFL awards and given the mood I’ve been in lately, they couldn’t have come at a better time.

I awarded January’s ROFL Award to Mama Tulip for a hilarious post about her husband’s foray into healthier eating.

Check out the other awardees and have laugh on us!

Troll Baby awarded Oh.My.Gawd.Really.

Momish awarded Jenny of Mama Drama

Red Stapler awarded Little Bald Doctors

Polliwog (launching soon) awarded Bobbarama

Sebastian awarded my reality my check my bounce

Dirty Birdie awarded Everybody Can Just Bite My Ass

the avery lane experience and Jennyhaha awarded Oh the Joys

Jenny from Mama Drama awarded Dirty Uncle Mark

The Silent I awarded Mr. Nice Guy

Just Thinking awarded the true story of what was

Mrs. CPA awarded Jason. For the Love of God.

Scribbit awarded Midwestern Mommy

Oh the Joys awarded Hello Insomnia

Why? (Edited)

I can’t stop crying for this child. I just don’t understand.

Why? Why do things like this happen?

If there is a God, why doesn’t he spare innocent babies?

I’m so angry I want to scream.

My heart hurts.

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Okay, I’ve calmed down. I was actually sitting down to write a blog post when I saw the headline for that awful story on my Google start page and like an idiot, I read it. You may recall that I’ve had myself on a news blackout because I have a very hard time with stuff like this and other depressing news stories. That said, I wish I hadn’t read it. I’m feeling very…down…today and that story just sent me over the edge and into the proverbial abyss.

As it happens, however, I went to the doctor this morning to see about getting back on antidepressants. I’ve made excuses for the mood issues I’ve been experiencing since my son was born and I’ve finally decided that there are worse things than being back on Zoloft. I only hope that it will still work for me.

I’ve experienced recurring episodes of clinical depression since I was 20 years old and antidepressants have always been effective but you hear a lot of terrible stories about people going on AD’s and getting worse and that is a huge fear of mine.

Being mildly depressed sucks but I can usually meet my day to day responsibilities and hold it together enough to not be considered unstable. (Most people don’t even know, though a perceptive few have inquired) Getting worse while trying to get better is just such a cruel irony and I want no part of it.

So…wish me luck.

Each Person Should Have Their Own Beer

The title of this post is a direct quote from Stefanie Wilder-Taylor of the Cocktail Playdate saga that made me want to stand up and cheer for her and her humorous but unwavering stance that parents are adults and should have the right to partake responsibly in an alcoholic beverage of their choosing without guilt or judgment.

Wilder-Taylor was just on the Today Show again this morning in a rebuttal-type segment that was obviously devised to help Vieira and the Today Show save face after insulting women the previous week with the suggestion that mothers and babysitters are interchangeable, which was wrong on SO many levels. The blogosphere was set afire with indignation from women who found the comparison insulting and unforgiveable and they didn’t hold back criticizing the Today Show and Vieira, in particular, for trying to pass that piece of tripe off as good journalism.

Today Vieira and her guest expert had toned back the judgmental rhetoric considerably, as well they should have after blindsiding mother and blogger Melissa Summers last week with the babysitter nonsense as well as the not-very-subtle suggestion that all women who drink are problem drinkers and thus are a danger to their children. It should be noted that today Vieira and her expert still had difficulty grasping the “it’s ONE freaking drink” concept.

Furthermore, having your expert state the obvious over and over (that mothers need to be constantly evaluating themselves and make sure they aren’t self-medicating. No, really? DUH.) tells me that while Vieira and her expert may be a teeny bit embarrassed for acting like asses in the first interview, their stance remains much the same and appears to encompass the following:

• Mothers lose their ability to think critically the second they give birth

• Mothers need to be told how to be a good parent because they’re too stupid to figure it out for themselves

• Mothers should harbor considerable anxiety about their status as a “good parent” at all times

Christ…it’s no wonder we’re NOT all self-medicating after dealing with such nonsense for two weeks in a row.