Why? (Edited)
I can’t stop crying for this child. I just don’t understand.
Why? Why do things like this happen?
If there is a God, why doesn’t he spare innocent babies?
I’m so angry I want to scream.
My heart hurts.
–––––––––––––Edited to Add––––––––––––––
Okay, I’ve calmed down. I was actually sitting down to write a blog post when I saw the headline for that awful story on my Google start page and like an idiot, I read it. You may recall that I’ve had myself on a news blackout because I have a very hard time with stuff like this and other depressing news stories. That said, I wish I hadn’t read it. I’m feeling very…down…today and that story just sent me over the edge and into the proverbial abyss.
As it happens, however, I went to the doctor this morning to see about getting back on antidepressants. I’ve made excuses for the mood issues I’ve been experiencing since my son was born and I’ve finally decided that there are worse things than being back on Zoloft. I only hope that it will still work for me.
I’ve experienced recurring episodes of clinical depression since I was 20 years old and antidepressants have always been effective but you hear a lot of terrible stories about people going on AD’s and getting worse and that is a huge fear of mine.
Being mildly depressed sucks but I can usually meet my day to day responsibilities and hold it together enough to not be considered unstable. (Most people don’t even know, though a perceptive few have inquired) Getting worse while trying to get better is just such a cruel irony and I want no part of it.
So…wish me luck.
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I don’t even know what to say.
It’s horrible and I don’t understand it either. I don’t think a loving person would be able to comprehend it.
My heart hurts too.
Jesus. What the fuck is WRONG with people?
I don’t blame you for your media blackout. This kind of thing just makes my head spin. I hope you find some relief with the antidepressants. Just remember, you control how long you stay on them and YOU are the best judge of what’s working for you.
I can’t read any of this stuff, and I used to be a journalist. I don’t know what story you’re talking about — I can’t read these kinds of stories for the same reason as you. It just upsets me too much.
Good luck. You blogging about your progress won’t scare me away at all.
Of course, my sick curiosity got the best of me and I had to read that article. Now I just feel nauseous. Good luck with the pills. I know what you mean and how you feel.
You rock. Your honesty is refreshing. Good luck with the meds ~ I really hope they help.
god. that story is like a punch in the gut. there have been too many of them lately…
i definitely wish you luck. you’re brave to confront it–i know it’s not easy. take care, izzy.
That’s the second hit of unpleasant child abuse news I’ve taken today. I hope they don’t travel in threes.
Nothing funny here. That man should be nailed to a tree naked in the same wooded knoll…I volunteer to help.
I don’t know what happens in people’s head sometimes. It’s like they get stuck at 8 years old: more likely to lie, cover up, and think of themselves rather than take a lump and responsibility and prevent a larger harm form happening. The empathy is stunted.
GL with the Zoloft. I sure hope it works as you need it to. It was like a miracle for me with my PPD. The initial ecstacy was gorgeous, but the leveling off was worrisome. I wish my doctor had explained that better so I anticipated it and understood it was normal. Still it sure improved quality of life.
I missed the Today show again. Dratted work getting all in the way. Your bullet points were brilliant. I absolutely agree.
I had just read this myself, not 5 minutes before coming here. It’s cases like this that make me yearn for a life free of the prohibition against “cruel and unusual punishment.” I would love to be creatively cruel in coming up with a punishment for him.
I wish you well on the meds, and rather than scare me away, blogging about your progress just makes me want to read more. Your honesty and … pluck inspire me.
Reading the headline was enough for me. When my girl wakes up I’m going to hug her tight.
I can’t read stuff like that either, it haunts me. And for some reason I replay things over and over in my head.
Good luck with zoloft. I am back on it after weaning off. But heading to the doctor next week to see about trying something else.
I wish you well on Zoloft. I took it for a while for anxiety/depression and it helped me to weather the worst. The hardest part was going through Prosac and Effexor to get to Zoloft and effectiveness.
Wishing you luck, happiness and all good things. That can’t be an easy thing to come to terms with, let alone write about. Thoughts are with you, Iz.
Good luck on the ADs. I can’t even fathom living my life without my trusty Effexor. It truely is life saving.
I’m suffering intense sadness from our own horrible child abuse tale in Boston, which I’ve blogged about. I can’t even begin to tell you how FURIOUS I am about this, not only because the parents were both asshats, but because it involved a lot of ‘professionals’ that were also culpable. You just don’t want to know, honestly.
I read this story an hour or so before coming to your post, so I was familiar with it.
You are perfectly normal to feel the anguish over this story. If you didn’t feel anguish, that would be greater cause for concern.
I don’t think admitting you need help is a weakness. Rather, admitting it and then seeking it is a sign of strength, that you understand that you cannot solve everything yourself and that you know there is no such thing as a supermom or superwoman.
You are a valiant woman and a perfect creature, with all of the strengths and “weaknesses” that go with that. Go get your help, and we’ll all be here to help you along.
I’ve been in the same boat since my twenties. It’s hard to go back on…but it’s worth it. I hate telling people because I think they judge me. I hate telling other physicians because I’m worried they’ll think I’m a hypochondriac because I’ve battled with depression. I know, stupid…but I still think it.
I can’t watch most news anymore. It’s just too awful. Hence my addiction to blogs. I get the “news” of people’s lives and it’s usually a lot more honest and quite often less depressing than what we’re spoon fed on TV.
Hang in there. It’s hard.
outrageous…
I knew I shouldn’t have clicked on that link, but I did, and now I feel sick. Imagining that poor little girl confused out in the cold will haunt me all night. Some people don’t deserve to have children. My own daughter was up in the middle of the night last night, but I didn’t blame her for it. If she wakes up again tonight, she gets an extra big hug.
Good luck with the antidepressants. I’ve struggled with depression on and off for years, and I know it will likely come raging back when baby #2 is born. If the Zoloft doesn’t work, don’t be scared to try something new. Last time I had to be on two complimentary ADs to get the right balance.
I’m on antidepressants … sometimes it is the best solution. I’ve been on celexa for a year now and it ’s worked well for me. I hope you are feeling better soon.
Hurray for you taking charge of your depression. You rock, Iz. As a “lifer” on drugs for OCD, I wholeheartedly support your decision and I look forward to future posts about your progress. Yay you!
I don’t watch the news for this very reason. I am always the last to know anything, but at least I am not constantly heartbroken about stories like this one. Good luck with the meds. Hopefully they will help you feel better.
I am the same way about the news, so thankfully I have avoided that story today. I don’t need to know the details.
All the best as you work through the depression. I have been there so I know how challenging it can be. I would love to hear you write about it as you work your way through, if you are willing and/or need to share.
((hugs))
This just blows my mind and I was a social worker for 10 years. That’s one of the reasons I got out of it…I just can’t handle the heinous crap that humankind is capable of. Not that this person should be considered human… By the way, where was the mother?
Hence my post of Monday - the world can just seem far too dark to bear.
Please PLEASE do keep us posted about your progress. I’ve been thinking about re-approachign my doctor on the same issue…
I was put on an AD after a VERY bad car accident left me in the hospital for 3 months. They started me on them against my knowledge while I was in ICU for flashbacks (PTSD) I had of the car hitting me head-on. They changed them around a lot and I continued on them for about 8 months.
I took it upon myself to go off of them (cold turkey) when I thought I was cured. Then I’d start having flashbacks, or trouble sleeping, or anxiety or whatever and my dr would want me to go back on them. I’d go along with his for 3-4 months and then decide I was cured and go off again. (All the while my husband and family could tell the difference in my moods, patience, etc… In fact my husband would try to talk to me about going back on them.)
So after 25 surgeries in 2.5 years & 2 years of physical therapy & the money issues that came from all this and the other depressing issues, I’ve realized that I need them to function. Or at least function happily & enjoy the life I was fortunate to keep! So I’m back on them and it has made a difference. But everyone’s differet. Med’s affect everyone different. I still worry about being on them long-term and if we can/want to have another child down the road what will happen, but we’ll cross those roads later.
But there is a “stigma” about AD’s. I still don’t tell other dr’s (besides my family doc who prescribed them) that I take Zoloft. Which is bad I know. I am glad you’ll be sharing your experience on here. Thanks!
hugs. cant stop crying now :(. need to hug my kids.
You couldn’t scare me away if you put on a Bush mask and started babbling Bushisms at me.
But seriously, I wish you well with fighting the depression. My best to you.
That is so FREAKING. This may be inapprpriate but people like that don’t deserve to live. As far as the rest of your post, I know the feelings you are talking about. I have the same problems but mine are more from anxiety that turns to everything else. Nice blog!
Earlier tonight I went to CNN.com to read about Anna Nicole Smith, and my husband asked me if I had seen this story. He said to me, “I can’t help it, I keep putting myself in that baby’s place and feeling what she must have felt, and it’s killing me.” And then I started crying and couldn’t stop. I can’t even finish this comment because I feel the tears coming. That man is not human, and I hope he dies in prison.
Good luck with the Zoloft. I’ve also had periods of clinical depression on and off since my mid-20s and I’ve always thought that going to the doctor and asking for the ADs is the hardest part. I’m always available if you want to chat.
God, that story was awful. I just read it.
You know what helps me put things in perspective sometimes? The fact that the news is always focused on the horror stories, but there are so many, if not AS many, wonderful things going on that never make the news. Maybe we should start a blog to highlight good news stories because it doesn’t seem like the mainstream media is interested. They’d rather cover stories that make people sad and angry and scared.
Did you see Oprah the other day? She covered families in this town (in the Midwest somewhere I think) who had all adopted 1-6 children each (31 total) from Liberia after hearing them sing in a choir that was traveling to the U.S. Each of these children were teenagers and their orphanage had been destroyed by rebels during their travels abroad. They had no parents and no home until these families found it in their hearts to adopt them. I cried through the whole story. It was such a beautiful reminder of the goodness in people and the fact that miracles can happen. Why can’t the news focus more on these stories?
My second comment of the day… I just wanted to say I hope things are OK for you and that the meds help. I have a history of night terrors, anxiety and mild depression too and finally turned to meds this past December. I am on low doses of Topamax, Lexapro and Lunesta… and it’s been amazing. (In a good way). I know we have never spoken directly, but feel free to email me if you want to chat about it. Best wishes. - Aimee
When I saw that news story, I was so bewildered!
I agree with you- if you are only mildly depressed it seems that it makes it harder for you (and sometimes those around you) to admit that you can’t just “Shake it off!” I’m glad you are taking care of yourself!
I wonder if bewildered was a wrong choice of words- I take that back and change it to DISGUSTED, now that I think about it.
I’m new here to your blog, but I’m really glad you’re writing about your depression. So many people don’t talk about it, when really there are so many people who do suffer from depression (including me!) who could benefit of knowing they aren’t alone. So good luck, I hope things get better!
I feel you, sister. I’ve been there and I’m currently on lexapro for anxiety and depression. It helps.
But even with the drugs I’m still too sensitive to see those stories. I don’t read the news anymore. I know that it’s wrong to bury your head but I just donate money to the red cross and tell Victor to tell me if there’s anything I need to know.
Right now I just can’t handle seeing pain. I feel it too much. Don’t be afraid to set limits in your life.
PS. You have my email address. Don’t be afraid to use it.
“If there is a God, why doesn’t he spare innocent babies?”
I believe that the innocent babies are OUR responsibility as well as everything else down here on earth. Hell is what WE make. And heaven will be, too.
Sometimes you gotta protect your own psyche against these stories - I know I do. Ever since I was on anti-depressants, I cannot watch a horror movie, or a gory movie. Too many flashback of the PPD visions I had. I’m still not ready to write about them at length, but I’ve been where you are and I’m proud of you for going to the doctor for help. ((hugs))
I’m typing this with tears streaming down my face. This innocent baby is the same age as my daughter. This world is freaking cruel, it makes me sick! This animal of a father will get his day in prison, I tell you! I hope they do evil on him in prison!!
Izzy, I know how you feel. I can’t stop crying. But I have to believe that God was with Niya. Death is tragic, but God took her beautiful soul with him to Heaven to spare her anymore pain from her evil father. I am sick about what that man did, but I am praying for Niya. She’s with God now.
Of course wishing you luck, and happiness too. And no, it won’t send me away when you blog about it because it’s really important to talk about these things so that people can think, “Oh, I’m not the only one.” and “So that’s what one can do.”
I saw the headline on CNN’s page the other day and did not click the link because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle reading the story. Still haven’t, but I’ve been able to glean the gist. It’s inconceivable.
Take care, Iz. With everything.
I’m not commenting on that story. I just can’t.
As for depression, it has me too and I’ve been fighting going back on my anti-depressants. Here it is 2pm and I still haven’t had the energy to get dressed for the day. I keep saying it is the winter sludge.
You must do what you feel is necessary and I’ll be eager to read the happy post saying you are feeling better.
I have to say that I reacted much the same way as you did initially and almost started crying. Which wouldn’t be very good since I’m at work. But, I agree that sometimes you just have to stop watching the news, otherwise you’d be crying all day.
I do hope you start feeling better soon. And, no, it won’t scare me away. :)
as the father of a 2 year old girl and, well, a sane human being - this is fucking sick. holy shit. my state and it’s residents, well represented again. i wish my girl was by my side right now.
Like Mama Tulip, I cannot read such stories, but I can imagine how horrific it must be.
I’m glad you’re taking steps to feel better. I wish that I didn’t need meds, but I’ve come to terms with it, and I can’t effectively describe what a relief it is to feel NORMAL again.
I know. When I read that story I immediately wished I hadn’t. It has haunted me ever since. I cry whenever I think about what that poor baby went through. Fucking monster.
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling low. I hope you get some relief soon.
Ever since the story broke about the Kim family’s ordeal in Oregon, I have shied away from the news, because their struggles to survive really just took me over the edge. Even before James Kim was found dead, the story was unbearable. But when the details emerged about him walking and walking and walking and finally succumbing to hypothermia, I just couldn’t stand it. Sometimes the world really is too much to bear. At those times, I need to stop reading the papers, stop watching the news, and essentially focus on routine, repetitive tasks. Like folding laundry. My FIL must have been affected by the Kim story too, because not long after he gave us a GPS for the car.
I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling depressed and hope that Zoloft eases the sadness.
i told myself not to click the link not to click, because I also cannot handle reading these horrible stories. but alas, i clicked, and my god, how awful.
i hope you have luck on the zoloft and feel better.
Lisa G
I heard about this story and it broke my heart too. It is depressing to read about these sad people and their innocent victims.
I wish you luck with the Zoloft. I am glad you are taking action to feel better. You deserve it.
This makes me SO FUCKING angry. WHY, oh WHY are pieces of shit like this man so fucking fertile? I have had to stop watching the news. I don’t even watch movies with violence or drug abuse because that stuff affects me so much. It hurts my soul… It bothers me to where I can’t eat or sleep.
I hope the Zoloft works well for you…
I hope you are doing better. Zoloft is a good anti-depressant. It is funny because I have just stopped taking it! I have been taking various antidepressents since I was 15. Now I just need my sleeping pills although I could probably do without those if I didn’t drink so much coffee. One thing that I like about zoloft is that there was no withdrawal symptoms like I had with paxil and others. I will be thinking about you. And I did not check out that link…I try and stay from the news too although I did not plan it that way.
Thank you for writing about depression. It’s such a comfort to read about others’ experiences…we’ve all dealt with it, obviously. It felt like such a dark secret to be medicated.
I was on Zoloft for about three years before we began trying to get pregnant. I weaned off and was more or less fine, while managing the up and down emotions of pregnancy.
Now, 10 months post-delivery, I’m starting to come to terms with a constant low-level of anxiety. It’s different than my previous depressions…I find I’m just tense most of the time. Hoping to continue without meds, because Z made me feel reasonably numb - couldn’t experience the depths of sadness, but also couldn’t reach the heights of happiness. I don’t want to go back to that. We’ll see what happens. Thanks again for writing about this.
P.S. In response to the first part of your post…I can’t stop thinking about those little footprints in the snow. Makes me want to cry.
Some people should not be allowed to reproduce. There is a family in the Detroit area who have had nine (NINE!) children. All of the children are in foster care. Their youngest, a boy 2, was beaten to death last summer. Can you say tubal ligation???Please post your progress on the AD. You are not alone.
I do media blackouts too - I’m all for them as a coping mechanism. I’m a mom of infants too - depressed too - on Zoloft too - and am lovin’ it (the kids and the Zoloft, not the depression). Don’t let your depression trick you into not seeking a cure. I think of depression like an evil little monkey that doesn’t want you to get it off your back, it whispers in your ear: “Noooo, YOU don’t need help! Medication won’t work for youuuuuuuuuu, it might just make you WORSE! You’re fine, just fine, nothing’s wrong really, you’re just a little stressed…” NOT!