Let’s Get Meta, Baby

Some random junk about search traffic on my blog and your blog, too…

First of all, to the numerous pervs who end up here after googling “Britney Spears pantiless” and “Paris Hilton pantiless” I just want to tell that until just now, the word “pantiless” has NEVER appeared on this blog. And seriously, do you really think a blog that has the word “mom” in it’s name is going to be some den of iniquity with a bunch of nekkid pix of celebs? Most likely it isn’t. Go buy a magazine and be done with it.

For all the people looking for “TR Knight shirtless”, I do wish I could help you. Your request seems benign enough. Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures of anyone missing their shirts (or their panties). Sorry!

To the person who lands here every week looking for “exploded babysitter” I just want to know WHAT THE HELL that is and why do you keep coming here looking for it?

To the person who always comes here looking for “fanny porn,” I hope you’re not too disappointed by the fanny pack pictures. They’re a JOKE, dude. There is NO actual fanny porn here and if I might make one little suggestion…STOP using the word “fanny”. You sound like my grandmother.

To the person who searched today for “I hate Billy Mays,” you’ve come to the right place. This is The Official Site for Billy Mays Anti-Fans. I’m going to make laminated membership cards and everything. You in? (Oh. My. God. I just found out that Billy Mays lives in MY city. WHY? WHYYYYYYYY?)

For you, dear friends and passersby, if you really want to attract a lot of Google search traffic and you’re not picky about what they want, then post or link to a picture of a ball gag and make sure the picture is named “ball gag.” How do I know this? Well, awhile back, I wrote this post and merely linked to this photo and now I get TONS of search traffic because there are apparently a frighteningly high number of people who would like to see someone ball-gagged and I don’t think it’s because they’re upset about bad manners.

I also recommend using the word “shirtless.” This word will bring you lots of traffic, as evidenced by the TR Knight-searching fans noted above. See, if you have any celebs names in your blog, someone will google their name and the word shirtless and end up on your doorstep. HELLO!!! Is shirtless David Spade home? No? Okay, how about shirtless Stephen Colbert? You get the idea.

And finally, my last recommendation for low-quality, high-volume search traffic is to write about smelly balls. Yes. I’m totally serious. Apparently this real-life story about smelly balls attracts a buttload of people who want to know more about smelly balls and/or smelly balls plus Alec Baldwin, who once did an SNL skit on a similar topic (schwetty balls?).

Now go forth and prosper!

Freaky Parent Sighting

P and I were in the ladies room of the public library waiting for TQ to use the bathroom. While waiting, a woman came in with her daughter who was about 8 or 9 yrs old. She ushered the daughter into the empty stall and then stood outside peeking through the crack in the door, essentially WATCHING HER PEE, the entire time.

At first I thought she was speaking a foreign language that I didn’t recognize but then I realized she was just talking really, really fast. The only parts I could accurately decipher were her repeatedly telling the girl, “Come on, hurry up, let’s go”, all the while watching her through the crack.

The girl looked very uncomfortable when she came out. We made eye contact and I smiled at her. Then her mother glowered at me like I was Satan’s handmaiden and proceeded to further micromanage the girl’s handwashing while telling her to…you guessed it…HURRY UP. WTH?

When TQ was done and we all exited the bathroom, I saw that they were in the kids area and the girl was looking at books while her mom flipped through a magazine.

Where’s the fricken fire, lady? You rushed (and spied on) your daughter the whole time she was peeing and washing her hands so you could read a magazine?

When we were in the car, TQ told me she recognized the lady as an aide from her school.

That wacko works with kids???

Am I the only one who thinks the freaky pee-watching mother was beyond weird and possibly bordering on abusive?

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From my Six Year Old…100% unprompted:

“They should call Wal-Mart “Skidmark” instead. You know, like dirty underwear.”

My loathing of our local Wal-Mart may have influenced her a tad…

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From my Six Year Old to My Husband:

You’re the Dad of Rock! Put on some punk rock. Or some jungle. C’mon Daddy!

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I Talk in My Sleep:

“I’m bored off my ass. I fucking hate this.”

Apparently, I also swear like a sailor when I’m talking in my sleep…

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Word most totally guaranteed to make my son burst into a fit of giggles even though I’m certain he doesn’t know what it means:

BUTTCAKE!

Be Careful What You Wish For

Because when you’re finally about to get it, you might find that it’s actually a very scary proposition and that maybe you’re not really up to it even though you’ve bitched and whined and complained and argued for it endlessly for almost a year and you know that you really do want it but when you think about it, your nervous stomach kicks in and you have to run to the bathroom and for a minute or two you are distracted by thoughts about your typically lazy colon and how great it would be if you were this anxious all the time because then you’d never have that uncomfortable feeling that prompts you to add Benefiber to everything you eat and drink (which doesn’t work worth a shit, by the way and no pun intended) and why the hell are you talking to the internet about constipation when what you really wanted to unload on them (again, no pun intended) were your fears about moving to the other side of the country (because if you were to move, that’s the only place your husband will go) and it’s still hard to think about leaving what little you have in the way of family, even though they’re all steprelatives, because you know they’d never waste a plane ticket to come see you and vice versa so you know you might never see any of them again except maybe for a funeral or something and God, who wants to think about that as a reason NOT to move???

*deep cleansing breaths, deep cleansing breaths*

Yes. Husband has finally decided he’s ready to move from here. What prompted this change of heart? Well, we just got our new homeowners insurance bill and it’s almost doubled even though we’ve never filed a claim and have not, in recent history, even HAD a hurricane in this part of Florida. Basically, we’re subsidizing all the stupid motherfuckers who live on the water, lose their homes in a hurricane and then choose to rebuild in the same place.

In addition to that, we just found out our health insurance is going up AGAIN and that for a family of four we’re paying almost $800 a month now with a group plan. That figure could pay for a second story addition on this small house but no…we get to shell out all this extra money and we’re getting exactly NOTHING in return. It’s bullshit.

My husband makes good money. By definition we’re not poor. It’s our outrageous car insurance, homeowners insurance and health insurance that are eating us alive and we just came to the conclusion that we wouldn’t mind sacrificing that money if we were happier with where we lived but we’re not and it just doesn’t make any sense to shell out insane amounts of money so you can live somewhere in which you’re not happy. And then when you hear on the news that the summer of 2007 is going to be the hottest one ever, living this far south seems even less appealing.

So…I don’t know what happens next as I sit here and ruminate, half thrilled and half terrified but I do know that the day before yesterday I was thinking about how if you really want something (like moving somewhere better), you have to focus more positive energy on it rather than thinking about all the negative stuff (everything I hate about Florida). It was just a passing thought but sort of epiphanous (is that a word?) in it’s simplicity.

Yesterday, Husband called me and told me about our health insurance premiums increasing and after a semi-long discussion, he said that he was ready to “do it”, meaning getting out of here. Wow…that positive thinking stuff works fast!

Yayyy!

Shit!!

Now what?!

Is it National “I Hate Breastfeeders Day” Again?

Because I thought it was National De-lurking Week. You know, where you come out of hiding to say hello to the writers whose blogs you lurk upon but never leave comments. I’d love it if people would delurk but hey…no pressure :)

So…you’re probably wondering about I Hate Breastfeeders Day. Well, I only asked because I got three obnoxious comments today on older posts about breastfeeding and two, both from the same person, were extremely antagonistic and bizarre.

This could be a joke but I replied via email and they still haven’t bounced back so the email address used by “Sean” is valid and thus it’s possible this person is serious, as well as ignorant and crazy. Either way it takes a hell of a nerve to post such a diatribe. It’s just too bad the loser doesn’t have a blog he’d like to share with us.

I’ve posted this nutbar’s priceless comments below so you can behold the madness for yourself…

Wackotastic comment # 1 from “Sean” of Hayward, California, copied verbatim:

Hi…i just wanna say that i happen to be 100%against breastfeeding in public, i find this act to be revolting and sexually obscene. Public breastfeeding is a primative behaviour which shows that we are not much different than Animals, we as a society needs to stop abandoning common sense that public breastfeeding is indecent behaviour and quit looking at this whole issue as womens rights political correctness Bull****. The trouble with our society is that its too liberal, we live in a liberal free society that teaches us as a new generation to be rude and impolite and to make it ok to be rude and impolite which is what public breastfeeding is. A liberal society is miseducating a new generation to socially accept this indecent, lowclass, primative behaviour to where we are becoming more like ignorant savages and plus lose a civilized society with no moral values. These liberal womens rights lactivist are doing everything they can to indoctrinate a new generation in the 21th century of the bad ways which we should look at as social mores. Lactivist are a poison to this country and they set a bad example for all breastfeedingstay-at-home-moms, the ideal traditional conservative breastfeeding mother, usually stays at home with her children to breastfeed, or to show some class by breastfeeding her baby in a restaurant bathroom to show some honor and respect for all restaurant customers.

Read more »

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling…

As always, Cristina and myself are pleased to announce the winners of the December ROFL awards. Thank you to everyone who sent in a nomination and of course, to everyone who keeps up laughing.

Please click around and help yourself to some funny!

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