Crying it Out…Family Style
I haven’t said much about this because babies not sleeping? So normal, so common, right? What about toddlers who abandon their formerly stable and predictable sleeping routines? Still not abnormal and certainly attributable to any number of things. And God knows I’m not alone here, right?
Unfortunately, we’re not dealing with a little bit of sleeplessness or the occasional night waking. No. P has decided recently that sleeping and napping? It’s for suckas. And I honestly believe that in my quest to be a good mom, I may have created a proverbial monster.
How on earth did I do that? By always answering every cry or whimper. By never letting him cry for longer than it takes to appear cribside with a ready hug or cuddle or…the wrecker of all sleep habits…the “let’s snuggle for a minute on the big bed while you settle back down”. I know that last one is the culprit because now whenever I go to see what’s wrong, P leans his entire body, safety be damned, towards our bed, pointing and speaking in that mysterious language he prefers over English.
I just want to clarify that the waking isn’t just waking. It’s also the flat refusal to sleep in some cases. Either way, he goes from being perfectly fine to basically standing up in crib screaming like he’s being with poked with an electric cattle prod.
The first thirty or so times, the huz or I would go running in, convinced that he was, in fact, dying. But after innumerable diaper checks, itchy checks (he has a touch of eczema on his arm and sometimes it flares up and itches), considering the possibility of teething (and thus administering some pain relief) and countless bottles of milk (Yes, I said bottles. Shut up), we have concluded that there is actually nothing wrong with him other than his newly developed sense of autonomy, which we’ve decided we pretty much hate (and so does his sister because she can hear him through the walls.)
This means we have to do it. The evil three letter acronym…
Yes, we’ve resorted to the hated but generally very effective CIO (cry it out) or extinction method to put a stop to this because we have to dissuade him of this newfound and very accurate notion that if he cries, we will come running without fail and give him loads of love and affection. And I certainly don’t blame him. Who wouldn’t wake up several times a night for a yummy back scratch or a tummy rub or a cozy snuggle? But this waking up 4-5 times a night or just refusing to nap at all is like having an infant again. Except he’s nineteen months old.
And before you jump all over me, just know that it’s tearing my heart out. Listening to him cry like that and knowing that if I run in and pick him up, I will cancel out any bit of progress we’ve made, is incredibly painful for me, too. And the idea that he may think we have abandoned him is just twisting the knife. But I know it won’t work any other way so after going in one or two times and hugging him (without picking him up) and then laying him back down, we don’t go in anymore for at least 15-20 more minutes, which is an eternity for all of us.
It seems like the total crying time is slowly decreasing but it’s still horrible and admittedly, it’s also aggravating. WHY won’t he just give it up and go to sleep, I wonder silently? And eventually…he does. But we know he will be up again later so we brace ourselves and fight the urge to drink copious amounts of NyQuil so we’ll sleep through it next time. (Kidding. KIDDING!!!)
Dissenting opinions are allowed. Sanity-saving suggestions are welcomed :)
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I don’t want to give you ASS-vice, but I decided to leave you this comment because we sound very similar in regards to the CIO thing. I hated it. I had such a hard time doing it. HOWEVER, co-sleeping was not an option for us for all the reasons that you mentioned, plus the fact that my husband is such a light sleeper that he gets no sleep at all when my daughter is in the bed with us.
What I did was a combo thing, and it worked for us. I couldn’t bring myself to let her cry for hours, and that’s what it would have taken. I worked on 5 min intervals. If after the first 5 minutes the sound of the crying didn’t change for the better (it almost always did) then I’d go in. If it did change, then I’d wait 5 more. It made it easier for me to have a end in site. 20 minutes was my max. I couldn’t stand more than that.
After doing that for a couple of days, it got better, but I started to get burnt out. Couldn’t handle it, started thinking - There has GOT to be a better way to teach her this!!
So what I did was sit next to the crib, one hand on her back as she cried. It worked much much better. I was there to comfort her, but I didn’t pick her up, and she wasn’t hysterical cause I was right there. She would fall asleep, and I would sneak out. The key to this is NO EYE CONTACT. I lay her in, and I sit right on the floor next to the crib, head down, eyes closed.
NOW I’m happy to say that I lay her in her crib, and she may make a peep or two, but the crying has stopped. I still sit by the crib for a minute while she settles, but I don’t mind that.
Just my $.02 Good Luck hun.
I think that’s the best decision. He’s more likely to realize you can’t control him if you … don’t let him!
The little angel went through a six-month period when she did things like this. We tried everything (if archive digging, start in August 2005 and see through about February 2006). Save yourself some time - put your sleep first. I say this as a friend. We resorted to sleeping on the floor of her room because my beloved didn’t want to share the bed. But seriously - it could be a phase, and it could take a while to pass. Stop thinking you can bend your little darling to your will and just do what you need to do to get your sleep. You are important too, my dear.
I lack the energy and stick-to-it-ive-ness to do the three letter acronym … with all three of my kids. I play musical beds. Whatever to get us all through night and my kindergartner well rested enough to go to 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. school. Whatever gets ME rested enough to drink a whole pot of coffee on the daily. Good luck, mama.
I wish I could give some advice. I’ve been back and forth a few days and was hoping I could offer some gem from my experience, but all seems to blur together. We did what we could do. We literally walked my daughter to sleep for several months to the same song over and over (If I never hear “Pink Moon” again…) for hours taking turns. She slept with us and before our son was born we weaned her out of our room by having my husband sleep with her in her own room. Then when my son was born almost 4 years ago, we co-slept with him. He’s still there. My daughter sneaks in at 3 am and it’s like “Little House on the Prairie” with all of us wedged on our sides, arms falling asleep and legs cramping. Our laziness inconveniences us, but OVERALL I can remember not losing large amounts of sleep. Instead, we opted for years of minor sleep loss.
Oh Izzy! I think as parents, we’ve all been there before. Sleep deprivation can play lots of tricks on everyone. I’m a fan of CIO! And with three kids and one more on the way, they all seemed fine to me after we check to make sure they were not wet, or even worse puked as a result of crying too much.
I really wish you luck, it will get better I promise. Just don’t give up. Eventually, P will know that his parents mean business. Big hugs to you!!
i don’t have any suggestions, but only reassurances that this is the Right Thing. ANd I would personally just go cold turkey and stay out of there. I did it with my first boy, and life was immeasurably better–and HE was better too. Sleep–who knew kids actually thrive on UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP? In other words, this can feel selfish, but he needs it as much, if not more than you.
I say all this, but I am currently co-sleeping with my 10 week old because it’s just so fucking convenient for the boob access. I’ll be coming down your road soon enough. (sigh…)
We had to “let her cry” a few time and it was horrible (for us). Thankfully we haven’t had to do that more than 3 times in 18 months.
You’d think somebody would invent a robot to help a parent out…
Visiting via Blog Explosion. :)
I totally understand what you have been going through. I had to use the CIO method with my youngest. She was a very clingy baby… still is today actually. She would not sleep on her own unless she was out cold when I put her down and even then, she would wake up several times. It eventually got to the point where I spent four nights sitting up in a rocking chair trying to get her to sleep but she would start screaming if I tried to put her down. Due to pure exhaustion, I went to letting her cry it out. The first night was absolutely horrible. I cried all night right along with her but I stuck to it and it got better. After 2 nights, she was sleeping on her on just fine. :)
My little one is going on 22 months old and is going through this also.
You are not alone!
I’d read this post before, but just had to add I’ve done a similar post today on the same subject….because I really feel your pain. This is the 2nd child of mine to put me through the wringer like this
I’m doing the same thing! I have the No Cry Sleep Solution, but I’ve modified it a bit. I was picking her up for a few minutes as she cried, then I’d sit her back in the crib when she was almost asleep. Now I just sit by the bed, no eye contact, and either pat her chest and tell her it’s ok or I’ll gently rock her (she’s swaddled)–and 2 1/2 months old. It’s working–and last night she slept 7 hours straight, AND she’s nursing. Good luck. Every night is different though.
We just got through with the CIO and let me say I was VERY scared of the prospect, but after one hellish night when he decided to sleep no longer than 30 m at a time all night long (this was after about 6 weeks of increasing night wakings) we bit the bullet. Our boy is 6 months old and once we committed, it took us 2 (yes only 2!) days to break him of all bad night sleep habits! It was a miracle. Night 3: I got 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep - not ONE single peep from him from 8:30pm to 6:30am! We decided to go in immediately whenever he started crying to feel his pjs to make sure he wasn’t wet, make sure he had no limbs painfully sticking out of the crib, and then patted his tummy good night, then leave. He would scream like crazy, and we decided for every 30 min of crying, we would repeat the check-in process. It wasn’t fun, but it worked! Good luck!!
We just got through with the CIO and let me say I was VERY scared of the prospect, but after one hellish night when he decided to sleep no longer than 30 m at a time all night long (this was after about 6 weeks of increasing night wakings) we bit the bullet. Our boy is 6 months old and once we committed, it took us 2 (yes only 2!) days to break him of all bad night sleep habits! It was a miracle. Night 3: I got 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep - not ONE single peep from him from 8:30pm to 6:30am! We decided to go in immediately whenever he started crying to feel his pjs to make sure he wasn’t wet, make sure he had no limbs painfully sticking out of the crib, and then patted his tummy good night, then leave. He would scream like crazy, and we decided for every 30 min of crying, we would repeat the check-in process. It wasn’t fun, but it worked! Good luck!!
We just got through with the CIO and let me say I was VERY scared of the prospect, but after one hellish night when he decided to sleep no longer than 30 m at a time all night long (this was after about 6 weeks of increasing night wakings) we bit the bullet. Our boy is 6 months old and once we committed, it took us 2 (yes only 2!) days to break him of all bad night sleep habits! It was a miracle. Night 3: I got 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep - not ONE single peep from him from 8:30pm to 6:30am! We decided to go in immediately whenever he started crying to feel his pjs to make sure he wasn’t wet, make sure he had no limbs painfully sticking out of the crib, and then patted his tummy good night, then leave. He would scream like crazy, and we decided for every 30 min of crying, we would repeat the check-in process. It wasn’t fun, but it worked! Good luck!!
We just got through with the CIO and let me say I was VERY scared of the prospect, but after one hellish night when he decided to sleep no longer than 30 m at a time all night long (this was after about 6 weeks of increasing night wakings) we bit the bullet. Our boy is 6 months old and once we committed, it took us 2 (yes only 2!) days to break him of all bad night sleep habits! It was a miracle. Night 3: I got 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep - not ONE single peep from him from 8:30pm to 6:30am! We decided to go in immediately whenever he started crying to feel his pjs to make sure he wasn’t wet, make sure he had no limbs painfully sticking out of the crib, and then patted his tummy good night, then leave. He would scream like crazy, and we decided for every 30 min of crying, we would repeat the check-in process. It wasn’t fun, but it worked! Good luck!!
We just got through with the CIO and let me say I was VERY scared of the prospect, but after one hellish night when he decided to sleep no longer than 30 m at a time all night long (this was after about 6 weeks of increasing night wakings) we bit the bullet. Our boy is 6 months old and once we committed, it took us 2 (yes only 2!) days to break him of all bad night sleep habits! It was a miracle. Night 3: I got 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep - not ONE single peep from him from 8:30pm to 6:30am! We decided to go in immediately whenever he started crying to feel his pjs to make sure he wasn’t wet, make sure he had no limbs painfully sticking out of the crib, and then patted his tummy good night, then leave. He would scream like crazy, and we decided for every 30 min of crying, we would repeat the check-in process. It wasn’t fun, but it worked! Good luck!!