Let’s Get Meta, Baby
Some random junk about search traffic on my blog and your blog, too…
First of all, to the numerous pervs who end up here after googling “Britney Spears pantiless” and “Paris Hilton pantiless” I just want to tell that until just now, the word “pantiless” has NEVER appeared on this blog. And seriously, do you really think a blog that has the word “mom” in it’s name is going to be some den of iniquity with a bunch of nekkid pix of celebs? Most likely it isn’t. Go buy a magazine and be done with it.
For all the people looking for “TR Knight shirtless”, I do wish I could help you. Your request seems benign enough. Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures of anyone missing their shirts (or their panties). Sorry!
To the person who lands here every week looking for “exploded babysitter” I just want to know WHAT THE HELL that is and why do you keep coming here looking for it?
To the person who always comes here looking for “fanny porn,” I hope you’re not too disappointed by the fanny pack pictures. They’re a JOKE, dude. There is NO actual fanny porn here and if I might make one little suggestion…STOP using the word “fanny”. You sound like my grandmother.
To the person who searched today for “I hate Billy Mays,” you’ve come to the right place. This is The Official Site for Billy Mays Anti-Fans. I’m going to make laminated membership cards and everything. You in? (Oh. My. God. I just found out that Billy Mays lives in MY city. WHY? WHYYYYYYYY?)
For you, dear friends and passersby, if you really want to attract a lot of Google search traffic and you’re not picky about what they want, then post or link to a picture of a ball gag and make sure the picture is named “ball gag.” How do I know this? Well, awhile back, I wrote this post and merely linked to this photo and now I get TONS of search traffic because there are apparently a frighteningly high number of people who would like to see someone ball-gagged and I don’t think it’s because they’re upset about bad manners.
I also recommend using the word “shirtless.” This word will bring you lots of traffic, as evidenced by the TR Knight-searching fans noted above. See, if you have any celebs names in your blog, someone will google their name and the word shirtless and end up on your doorstep. HELLO!!! Is shirtless David Spade home? No? Okay, how about shirtless Stephen Colbert? You get the idea.
And finally, my last recommendation for low-quality, high-volume search traffic is to write about smelly balls. Yes. I’m totally serious. Apparently this real-life story about smelly balls attracts a buttload of people who want to know more about smelly balls and/or smelly balls plus Alec Baldwin, who once did an SNL skit on a similar topic (schwetty balls?).
Now go forth and prosper!
Boobs. Specifically, Mommy’s Boobs. That’s what’s bringing them to my blog - in droves.
My search results have been making me so sick that I am having a hard time looking at them. I never knew there were so many sick creeps out there. I am not even going to say what they have been looking for, other than to mention that I am so sorry I have ever said “pooping” in one of my posts.
I’m with Suebob - there are some really sick pervs out there. Can their IP’s be reported, I wonder?
I still get a lot of traffic for the word “cankles.” Sassy ( my best friend) and I had some hilarious conversations that I blogged a long time ago and I even get hate mail that I’m making fun of fat people. Um, I AM FAT PEOPLE, PEOPLE. :)
I wrote a flippant post forever ago about Terri Hatcher being on Jay Leno and being a dumbass. I still get about 10 hits PER DAY for people looking for “Terri Hatcher vagina”. Not even kidding.
Of course, now that I put it in your comments, you will too. HAH! Take that! ;)
Sorry about the fanny porn searches. That may or may not be me.
My favorite perv search I get CONSTANTLY is “Laurie Berkners Boobs”.
I went back and read the Smelly Balls story. That is too funny. Around these parts, we call that “fumunda cheese”. You know, like cheese from under your balls. Let’s see how many hits that little phrase gets ya!
Karen, I’ve tried. Nobody at the ISP gives a rat’s ass.
First, “pantiless” is not even a WORD. Jesus.
The “fanny” searches concern me. Who knows what pervs might be checking out Jennster and me sporting the fabulous Izzy fanny pack?
I do remember the smelly balls story, and it still makes me throw up a little bit just to think about it. Thanks for the reminder.
And apparently I need to write about much more racy topics than atheism and breastfeeding. I’m missing out on some serious Google hits.
As for Alec Baldwin? I thought it was a skit for “schwetty balls”. And the guy he played, a guest on an NPR cooking show, was named Pete Schwetty. And TR Knight? LOVE HIM!!!
What is it with the searches with words you swear you never used. I once posted about my oldest wanting a training bra and got tons of hits from pervs wanting to see girls in their training bras. I was so disturbed that I took my Flickr badge off my site!
I have noticed a lot of crude searches hitting my place too…I must be famous for naked girls in tutu’s and poopie fetishes….within the perv circle…it seems…ugh!
Who is TR Knight and Billy Mays?
ha! only yesterday I was looking at the meta that got people to my site and was also quite amazed. I now plan to steal your post idea and address the pervs that arrived at my site unwittingly (i think)
I think I have to be the number one search for “sexy black mama’s,” and I can guarantee there are some highly disappointed googler’s out there. I just posted my third edition of messed up searches. Someone actually landed on my site from the search “Household items to shove up your butt” and now that I typed that out, your search stats will surely prosper as well. Enjoy!
Wow, those are some really interesting searches going on in the web world. At the risk of sounding dumb, how can I find out what searches are bringing people to my site? Thanks!
http://ntycnboricua.blogspot.com
Try using the word redneck. Or poo.
You’d be amazed.
My creepiest search thing—and probably my most common one—is “brother sister love.” This is because of a book I published, a kid’s book, about autism. The characters are brother and sister. People must be really disappointed but ICK, WTF?
On the whole, though, I think I have the cleanest, most interesting search result visitors (compared to stories I hear). I must use and refer to a lot of really high-brow stuff because I get a lot of ivy league university traffic, and searches for Shakespeare and other really geeky stuff.
Visit me, the clean, geek blog! BWAHAHAHA
I get a lot of crazy searches too. It makes me laugh until I remember that real people are searching for these things. People who live in the same world as my kids and I do! Sometimes it is kind of scary!
You’ve Been Tagged!
sorry to do this, but Amanda from Mamapop did it to me, and I don’t know anyone other bloggers than all of you on Mamapop.
http://spig.vox.com/library/post/once-you-have-been-tagged.html
Hmmm…smelly balls, shirtless, boobs…and so on. The things you people will do to increase your traffic!!!!
Just kidding.
Oh, I might have to put all those terms in a ps on a post somewhere just to see what kind of searches I can get. *LOL*
Hmm…I must try adding shirtless to a post and see how that drives up traffic. I usually get lots of hits for people looking for dirty mommy stories, or spanking stories or some such grossness.
My favorite was “sperm shooters.” Untill I realized that I had actually used the phrase. Then I just felt silly.
Smelly balls, shirtless celebs, ball gags… It’s just another day in the life of an at-home mom :)
Oh, I know. I get some twisted ones…ones that I thought should be reported to someone so I contacted the originating ISP and they could not have cared less. It\’s sad. But like the news, I try not to dwell on it too much or I\’d be in a straightjacket drooling all over myself.
I do think there should be someplace, some sort of registry where you can just give the information from your sitemeter and let law enforcement handle it.
Wow. I wonder what people say when they click on your site and discover your a mom who blogs? heehee.
I found out recently that someone googled “easter crackpipe.” Sadly, I wasn’t even #1 with that one. BUt hey, #2 isn’t so bad either.
Or just have your child eat a silicone packet and then write about it. It is good for lots of search hits
I remember the SNL schwetty balls mock NPR program. Salty, schwetty balls. But do you remember the Kids in the Hall “I wanna dip my balls in it” skit? I think it was Kids in the Hall. Can’t remember.
Sorry, that’s my mistake. I keep searching for those things and wind up here. I feel…conned. *sniff*
Great blog though. :)
BTW, someone landed up at my blog by searching for “useless packaging.” Should I be insulted or just confused? How key word searches work is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a whatever they say to me.
Do you think they come for the pantiless Britney Spears, but stay for the insightful/humorous observations on domestic life? That is the real question….
Hee hee. It does make ya wonder about people.
Lisa
*LOL* that schwetty balls episode was priceless! I don’t know how the actors kept straight faces through that skit.
Anyway, yeah, those searches can be pretty strange. I used voyeur in a title post once. Needless to say, that is the most frequent search that ends up bringing folks to my blog. then I realized someone linked me to a porn site! Gross, just gross….
You know I got MAD TRAFFIC after I did that post about the large penis on ROME from the Penis Size Links people.
I think they are my true audience.
Fanny in the UK has a completely different meaning than here - more like the C U Next Tuesday means here, which is an awful thing to discover when you’ve used it referring to your host family’s niece. Yeah. Whoops.
The exploded babysitter must be the weirdest because they come back weekly. Is it the same IP? Same person?
Freak.
I definitely only got to this page by searching “shirtless Stephen Colbert”. Touche my friend. Touche.
Haha. Ended up here after searching for Billy Mayes infomercial scams and schemes. Laminated membership cards, you say? Ok, home much?
I HATE BILLY MAYS… the most obnoxious, abrasive, low mentality… the intelligence of parking lot gravel idiot on television. Where do I sign up for the I HATE BILLY MAYS CLUB?
And, what’s with the fake hair????????