I’m Sorry… Was I Boring You?
Last night, while flipping through catalogs trying to figure out what to do about Christmas gifts for the kids (haven’t done ANYTHING) I start getting upset (hello PMS) and talking to the Huz about all the guilt I’m feeling lately for not being Super Mom or even her distant cousin Mediocre Mom. I continue on, covering the following bulletpoints of guilt for:
• not doing the same things for my son that I did for my daughter.
• not being as motivated to get out with him and, you know, expand his horizons.
• not spending more one-on-one time with TQ.
• staying up too late, too often and then being so tired the next day that my primary and only goal for the day is to have a nap as soon as P goes down for his nap.
Yeah, I spilled my guts and told him about all the rationalizations I’ve been making and all the lazyass shortcuts I’ve been taking; all the ways in which I am sucking at my job as a stay-at-home mom lately, so forth and so on.
I finally take a breath after my self-inflicted diatribe of guilty confessions and criticism, I and look over at him for some sort of reaction and HE’S FUCKING ASLEEP!
But NOT deeply asleep, he insists, after I screech at him to wake up.
Says he heard MOST of what I said.
Oh, REALLY? Did you miss the part about my fatal disease? That I only have ten days to live? Hmmm? Yeah…that’ll learn ya!
Meh. He doesn’t care that I’m dying. He just tells me I’m being too tough on myself and that two kids are harder than one and you can’t do it all, all the time.
Well. He sure knocked the wind out my pissy missy sails, didn’t he? Who the hell does he think he is being all wise like that? Fucking Deepak Chopra? Hmmmph.
(Note to self: MUST REMEMBER to send address to Devra to claim my Mommy Guilt book)
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All I can say is…I know. I feel that way too most days.
I live for naps and even when they don’t happen, I leave her in her room just because I need some time…I could go on and on about the things I feel guilty for too…
Today, I can say don’t be so hard on yourself, but tomorrow I may be guilting right along with ya…it all depends on my mood.
hug.
I always hate myself when I stay up too late and am tired the next day. Those are tv days and that is bad.
My husband tunes me out all the time but I don’t think he’s ever fallen asleep!
All that matters is that you love your kids. Period. They will know that, and nothing else makes a difference. It doesn’t matter what you did for your first that you don’t do for the rest. Listen to them, be there when they need you and that is all they really need. Sucks that it took me getting really sick to realize that, but at least I learned it. Give yourself a break! No one needs a stressed out mommy!
I hate it when they pass out on me!
Hi-freaking-larious! Except if I was you. Then it wouldn’t be funny at all. And he would be missing a nut or two.
;-)
You know how you can tell if someone is a really good mom?
If they are always fretting that they are not doing enough.
You’re awesome. Relax :)
Wow. You are totally owed a dinner. And maybe some Grey’s Anatomy DVD’s and a bedroom to yourself.
You be sure to fall asleep the next time he’s expecting you to be AWAKE *wink* *wink*. And then say “Oh, I hardly missed a thing!”. Evil yes, but mostly fun.
Oy vey! The classic “I feel like a shitty mom, what the hell is wrong with you, don’t you get it” syndrome. Don’t you just HATE when men just come out and say the simplest, most assinine, most insensitive thing that TOTALLY makes sense?! Doesn’t it want to make you slap the shit out of them just to wipe that vainglorious smugness off of their faces? Ugh.
But, he did make a point, and that is that as mothers we CAN’T do it all. The greatest barometer is when you look at your kids sleeping at night, and they have peaceful, content looks on their faces. THAT speaks volumes about how they are loved and cherished by YOU.
Don’t ever forget that.
Now about that sleeping husband…THAT’s another story…
God I can relate to this. Don’t beat yourself up, sister. You’re messing with one of my favorite people.
I can’t believe he fell asleep. That’s both hilarious and punishable by withholding.
I can relate to it all too.. including the husband that falls asleep…Hah!
I remember when #2 was a baby, saying to the clinic nurse that I felt bad that I already wasn’t giving her the same attention that I used to for #1. She gently reminded me that #2 had the older sibling to entertain, distract, and interact with her… So you actually don’t need to be doing as much!! Oh how I loved her for telling me that! It freed me from a lot of mother guilt.
The other thing I reckon is that you HAVE to stop comparing yourself to other apparent Supermums… WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT, and all super at different things. And just because you are home with your babies/kids, doesn’t mean you have to turn your place into a child care centre, and be providing non-stop stimulation and entertainment. Sometimes I think that babies or kids don’t need that full on. They need time to play by themselves… entertain themselves..
One of the best ‘permissions’ I gave myself was that it was ok for me to read a book in front of my kid. To ignore my kid for a while and get lost in a book. That’s called bein g a great role model!
The late nights and that are another thing… and I battle that myself. I tell myself that all my time at the computer is me trying to stay connected to the world out there - continuing to use my BRAIN.
(Any other excuses you want.. just ask.. I’ve been through all the guilt - but I must have been doing something right because I have 3 intelligent, academically achieving, sporty, fit, healthy kids. They are not perfect, and neither am I, but we’re doing pretty well in the scheme of things. )
I don’t know if this will help or not … but my kids are grown and gone and I STILL wonder if I did this right or that right. I used to go through those same conversations with The Hubster as well. And with me it was even more intense because two of my kids I didn’t even give birth to … so there was that whole “am I good enough” question.
It finally comes down to one simple thing … you do the best you can do. You CAN’T do more than that. It’s just not humanly possible.
And here’s the best part … even if you DID screw up once in a while, when they get older (the kids) they have the ability to recognize that you DID do the best you could … and tell you they love you anyways.
You are cracking me up - sounds like a discussion we’d have. Complete with Kyle falling asleep.
Speaking of which, how the fuck can they fall asleep in thirty fucking seconds? How unfair is THAT?
Conversations with Hugh -
Me - Saying something very important… the children/their teachers/the house
Hugh - Yeah. OR, Really?
I can’t believe I have let him live this long…
Hey, I don’t care how 1/2 awake my husband was, if he fell asleep while I was talking to him, that’d be my license to guilt for like 6 months, AT LEAST.
I did that to him once, though. So I guess I’d have to shut up about it.
And yours is right, of course. I hate that.
I have a hubby that does that too. He likes to “shhh” me mid sentence and say, “Its sleepy time.” And those are the nights I wait for him to fall fast asleep and then go all passive aggressive on him.
i love you.
tonight, my show.. ashely (actress from la) is going to be on talking about being a role model in today’s society. call in? please. lol
Haha this is too funny although possibly would be not so funny if it had been me who’s husband fell asleep in the middle of a D&M.
I look forward to my nap, as soon as my 3.5 y/o goes off to pre-school. And esp. with the 4th one on the way (crazy huh?!), I need all the naps I can get before the middle-of-the-night feedings.
Don’t be too hard on yourself Izzy, we all go through that stage. I do almost every single week.
I can SO relate on every point you listed. It comes with the territory and you’re doing FINE. PHINE, even. You and I are so similar, it creeps me the frig out. Stop being so hard on yourself.
I hate to say it….but he’s right. We all feel inadequate around this time of the year. You’re just being way too hard on yourself.
Yes, at the risk of being compared to Deepak Chopra or someone similar, I will agree with the kid. Take it easy on yourself. I’m sure you’re doing just fine.
a. guilt is overrated - did he feel guilty for falling asleep while you were pouring out your heart? Nope. But would you have? I bet yes. See, overrated.
b. from what i can see from over here - you are a rocking mom.
c. guilt is overrated.
d. ok, i do it too.
i “feel” ya on this, it’s 2am right now where i am. and, where on earth did we get the idea we have to all be super mommies? where? maybe it was that special group of people known as “them” or “they”?
I love that, ‘Mediocre Mom - the less than super hero’
Your husband sounds great. I don’t know what to buy anyone and am spending my shoppong time mostly looking for smart, but comfy, shoes for me. Good Luck.
Glad to know I’m not he only one who has a husband that doesn’t listen.
P.S. That Supermom thing, I think it’s a myth. (or at least I’m hoping)
Hmmm…. perhaps when he fell asleep he began channelling Dr. Phil?
Perhaps when he fell asleep he began channelling Dr. Phil?
Asleep!
Too funny.
Sounds like mine.
My daughter calls my husband the “Snoozer Loser”. Did I have a hand in that? I’m not telling.
You must not be the only adult in your house who is staying up too late. We have the same problemo around here occasionally. Hubby nods off in the evening hours but has a second wind right around, uhm, my bedtime. Hmmmmmm.
Being the only male to comment here, I’m just going to keep my darn mouth shut! But, needless to say, I’ve been in your husband’s shoes many times.
If you find me down here, I hope it’s cool but I linked to you from my blog. :)
Drat drat drat and meant to say…I’m so totally laughing WITH you. I’m like Unisom for my husband when I get rolling on a topic.
Ugh! My hubby has a BAD habit of falling asleep when I am talking to him ALL THE TIME!! Drives me bat shit!!
Hey, I’m male. I know this might not immediately obvious without seeing my beard but it’s still true. I guess my reference to comfy shoes made me sound like a lesbian.
I can’t believe you didn’t kill him. Amazing restraint Izzy.
But, hark, it’s not so bad. My hubs actually fell asleep when we were DOING it. Ya, I’m so exciting in bed I just put all the boys to sleep.
Sigh.
He lives to sleep another day????
As the 3rd guy here making a comment…
Ain’t nuthin’ wrong with sleep! Except in Redneck mommy’s case above- that just take some, well ya’ know.
BTW- you’re like supa-mom anyway. How can you get any higher without crack?
He fell asleep while you were pouring your heart out? Typical, eh?
I do recommend the Mommy Guilt book. I constantly feel bad that I’m so tired from pregnancy that I’m not doing enough for Cordy, but then I have to step back and realize I’m doing as good as I can, and that’s what matters.
LMAO! Oh man…nothing funnier than listening to PMSing women when you know you have 3 more weeks until yours comes back around.
“Oh REALLY? Did you miss the part about my fatal disease??”
HAHAHHAH! You rock, Izzz.
I swear we have had that same exact conversation many many times, minus the sleeping part. though I am sure he tunes me out as if he were. he he!
you are THERE for your kids, you are finding a way to fuel your own interests by staying up late to read or do whatever… you must be happy yourself to be a good mom.. think of it that way.
Lisa
Man - I’m too afraid to let myself fall asleep. That’s just asking for trouble.
Hello, and welcome to my club. Let’s drink.
Since my husband is a SAHD, I’m the one who falls asleep while he rambleson.
Ummmm……we’re sorry!
Fucking Deepak Chopra … sounds like my sleepy/wise hubby.
Sending you a virtual Martini.
Your hubz is a smart man.
If this was the first time you initiated this conversation with him…can you have him contact me and let me know how he did that??
What is a D&M?
Send me your address! Send it ! Send it! Send it! Otherwise I may have you listen to the book instead. Don’t get excited, it’s not an audio book yet. I’m thinkin’ I will just call your house and start reading to your voicemail.